I used to be afraid of the spaciousness,
Or maybe the silence that accompanies being alone.
Once I told my therapist this and he answered,
There is so much in that space waiting to love you.
And at the time,
The light at the end of the tunnel was still too distant for me to believe him.
But I know now,
My higher self was sending me smoke signals the whole time.
I'm still learning how to not run in the other direction of my loneliness.
Still learning to curb the urge to drown the tenderness in a sea of distraction.
The urge to hold it under the water until it cannot make my skin crawl ever again.
I know the goal is not perfection,
But hell,
Sometimes I wish there was an end goal I could reach.
Some days I'd even take a participation trophy.
I think there's still a part of me that needs to grieve all that is out of my control.
I am learning that life is to be experienced instead of controlled.
Here in the quiet of my sacred 900 square feet,
The dog stretches and releases a sigh onto the cold tile.
We both watch the fish's iridescent fins coast through the warm water.
There are dishes in the sink.
A million things on my to-do list that will not get done today,
And I think this must be what my therapist meant all along.
That most likely life will look nothing like what you thought,
And sometimes it will be even more beautiful than you could ever imagine.
I release the need to control my life instead of live it.
I release the ways worry has made a home in me as a way to say to life,
I love you so much,
But I do not trust you.
I remember that control is the opposite of trust.
That trust can take lifetimes to build,
And I honor and heal from the ways distrust has become my second nature.
I remember that everything is temporary.
No matter how uncomfortable my feelings are,
I know they are visitors,
Teachers.
What can I learn from them?
Where can I set down my swords?
Where can I ask for help?
A hug?
A break?
My breath,
My heartbeat,
The air around me,
It is all a love letter from the universe.
An opportunity to tap back into what truly exists.
This moment.
I remember that I am co-creating with life.
I am the alchemist.
The magician.
I see this magic in all of life around me.
In all of the plants,
Humans,
Animals,
And trees.
I trust that I am made up of the same sap that lives in the redwoods.
Made of the same dust and stars that make up the Milky Way.
I find love in all of the spaciousness.
In all the hidden corners.
I remember love is an action.
It is not something frail or flaky.
It is a sturdy foundation.
It is the vastness and power of the ocean.
It is a mystery and within it there is ever-present beauty.
I remember to take it easy on myself.
I am learning to laugh at myself and find joy within the small moments of life.
Carrying them like gems in my pocket.
Reminding myself how far I have come.
