For Parents: 'Big Feelings' In Kids

Hello parents,

My name is Reuben and this is a little talk about big feelings.

So big feelings and this is a phrase that's used a lot with kids but it's also can be used for adults as well.

So the classic thing here is that when big feelings hit the child's nervous system upregulates in a way where it takes over any form of being rational or grounded.

So the rational and grounded part of the brain goes offline not just for kids but for adults as well.

This means that logic,

Consequences,

Use of words,

It's not going to work in the moment of that intensity of those big emotions right.

Now Dan Segal is a brain scientist and he has this phrase of name it to tame it.

So naming feelings activates the part of our brain that helps downregulate and helps us be more connected,

More grounded.

It quiets the alarm.

So children whose parents notice,

Name and stay with their emotions actually are benefiting not only themselves but their children.

They're developing better impulse control and lowering stress.

It's a message that the child absorbs over time and it does take time and time and time again.

My feelings are survivable and I am not out of control.

It's that kind of message right.

So just think back to a recent big feelings moment with your child.

What would have happened in your body is similar to what happened in theirs.

For sure theirs is the activations was obviously a lot more but it doesn't something to our own body right.

Tightness,

Heat,

The urge to fix like you want to say the right thing or and it just doesn't work right.

Your nervous system was is activated as well right.

Your nervous system was activated as well.

So imagine now here's a little strategy.

The next time your child has a big feeling once you recognize your own inner world and it doesn't mean that you're going to just you know not feel uncomfortable.

It's about being with the discomfort,

Owning it.

Get low,

Get eye level.

Steady your voice and if necessary you can hold them gently and steady your voice and say I can see you're really angry right now.

This makes sense.

I'm right here.

I know that you're going to be okay soon.

Something along those lines right.

Just something along those lines.

You're being there.

You're not fixing.

You're not explaining.

You are naming and you are helping them be present.

You're not giving them the message of hey you shouldn't be feeling what you're feeling which let's face it every single parent can own up to.

I know I can.

I've made that mistake and I still do sometimes.

Anyway get eye level.

Recognize you're taking responsibility.

You for your inner world even though it feels uncomfortable.

Get down on their level and recognize right I've got this.

I know that they're gonna get over this.

And I'm gonna give them this talk.

Give them this stern kind validating talk using the name entertainment approach.

And then afterwards when their brain has come more online,

The rational grounded parts of the brain become more online,

You'll be able to have a conversation about what that feeling was.

Maybe they maybe they want to use another word.

Was it anger?

Was it something else?

Frustration or whatever you know.

You can talk to them about it.

You don't.

We can't be a perfect parent.

We just can't.

But we can be a present one from time to time.

Can't do it all the time right.

Yeah.