Wanda and Andy,
A bedtime story.
When the lights are turned off or turned down and your phone is switched to airplane mode and you know that no one will disturb you,
You can climb into bed or a comfortable recliner,
Make yourself comfortable and put your ear buds in your ears using all of your imagination like you were a half asleep,
Half awake child,
Totally absorbed into what I say as I tell you this bedtime story about a monk who helped me reduce my anxiety.
There was an old man with a white beard wearing a monk saffron and purple robes.
He spoke in a low,
Smooth,
Resonant voice and he had a certain smell,
A spicy smell.
I can't remember exactly,
Maybe it was vanilla or patchouli oil or cinnamon.
I can't remember but I do remember that I liked it and it relaxed me a lot.
He told me to close my eyes and look up into my third eye,
Breathe in and then slowly breathe out relaxing my face and chest,
Abdomen,
Pelvis and legs.
And as I did that,
He said he wondered what temple sites were more comforting to me,
Perhaps the offering table with the roses on top or the peaceful expression of the religious figurines or pictures in the front of the temple.
He wondered which temple sounds resonated most with the relaxed and open cells in my body,
Whether it was the temple gong that did that or the light knock on the wood block that did that.
And as I was listening,
I could feel my breath moving in and out my nostrils and my belly moving up and down,
Up and down as I breathe.
He told me to deeply relax and with my eyes closed,
I again looked up toward my third eye,
Took a deep breath in,
Relaxed my facial muscles and then slowly breathed out,
Relaxing my body from the top of my head all the way down to my feet and out.
The old man,
The old monk said,
Now I would like you to return to a time in your mind,
In your past,
When you were a small child,
Perhaps in kindergarten,
Seeing the decorations around the classroom,
Sitting at the desk with crayons,
Crayons you can even smell.
And a very sweet,
The magical teacher comes and says in a very good storytelling voice,
There's a special story I want to tell you.
Please listen and enjoy.
Get curious,
Very curious and listen with big eyes and big ears.
You know what that's like,
Right?
Good.
Let's begin.
A long time ago,
Two twin sisters,
Wanda and Andy were born.
They grew up in the same family and went to the same school.
Like most kids,
They were rewarded for being good and even got stars at school for being perfect.
And of course,
They were punished for being bad and sometimes laughed at or even rejected for making mistake or being imperfect.
They were both growing up and developing quite well until one month,
A couple of unfortunate things happened to Andy.
First,
One day Andy did something that the big people did not like.
And later in that evening,
When an important big person found out,
That person did not help her understand what a good behavior was.
Instead,
That big person scolded her terribly,
Judged her as wrong and called her bad names and sent her away thinking she would remember the lesson.
But Andy didn't remember the lesson.
She only remembered the bad feeling,
Feeling like a broken person,
A bad person.
And she did not really want people to know that she was broken.
There was another person who Andy liked and admired.
Andy really wanted this person to be her friend.
She joined a club because that person was a long-term member of that club.
And at the very beginning,
Andy did not know the club rules.
One day during activity,
Andy unknowingly broke a rule by saying something wrong.
Her friend,
Who was standing around with other members,
Felt very embarrassed.
Andy didn't like people staring at her.
It made her nervous.
The friend that Andy had admired pointed at Andy and everybody started looking at Andy.
That friend with a very judgmental facial expression and judgmental voice said many hurtful things that humiliated her in front of the others,
That made her feel inadequate and scared and afraid of doing anything.
Her friend saw her shaking and laughed.
We won't call you Andy.
From now on,
We will call you Ancy.
Ancy,
She screamed,
Nobody likes you.
Oh,
Terrible.
These experiences made Ancy very careful.
She was always checking out the situation and was always watching what she did carefully so she wouldn't make any mistakes.
Made her very nervous.
A couple of years later,
However,
Unfortunately,
Ancy was killed in a traffic accident.
Ancy did not want to leave Wanda and,
Well,
Wanda did not want to let go of the memory of Ancy.
So the memory of Ancy lived inside Wanda.
This might seem like fun,
But many years later,
Wanda began to have troubles.
Every time Wanda wanted to approach a new boy or girl at school to strike up a friendship,
Ancy would say,
Look at you.
You have this problem and that problem.
You're just not good enough.
If you want people to like you,
Don't look this way or wear that.
Don't act that way.
They will hate you.
So Wanda began looking in the mirror,
Dissatisfied with this and dissatisfied with that,
Finding all the parts that people might not like and trying to hide them.
She was very worried that people would notice.
So she tried and tried and tried,
Tried to hide them,
Tried to change them and tried to hide them.
And when she couldn't change them,
She would just worry about them or play computer games to forget about them.
And every time Wanda wanted to try something new,
A new sport,
A new game or a new skill,
Ancy would be right there inside looking over her shoulder.
When Wanda made a mistake,
Ancy would imitate the voice of that terrible friend in her club.
Failure,
Loser,
Stupid,
Boring.
Then she would say,
You're lucky nobody saw you.
Don't make that mistake,
Gwen.
Quit before everyone notices how clumsy and dumb and boring you are.
This back and forth between Wanda and Ancy kept going on for years.
There were many things that Wanda wanted to do,
But she didn't dare because Ancy would not let her.
The more Wanda wanted to be free of the control,
The more fearful,
Insistent and controlling Ancy would become.
It got so bad that Wanda just stayed home away from people and became very lonely.
She would look for good excuses to stay home or go back home.
She would also make herself too busy to do things that would give her a meaningful life with friends.
She wouldn't go out because she was worried about a pimple,
A bruise,
A cough,
Being too fat or her room wasn't clean enough.
She would say,
Someday if I'm well enough,
I'll blah,
Blah,
Blah,
Blah,
Blah.
She worked out at the gym.
She just listened to music with her earphones blaring loudly.
She made a point of looking very determined to finish her workouts.
In this way,
She didn't have to approach people,
But in this way,
People were also afraid to disturb her and they didn't approach her.
And in this way,
People would not know that she was broken and afraid.
She always made sure that Wanda was safe,
Safe inside.
But Wanda felt lonely and imprisoned.
Wanda wanted to make friends.
And after a few years,
Wanda had had enough.
Life was going to pass her by and she wanted to have a life.
She saw how people of all shapes and sizes had lots of friends.
She had read stories about how babies born under quiet rooms and soft lights being bathed in warm tubs of water and hearing sweet loving voices grow up feeling safe and secure.
She thought how wonderful it would be to wake up the next morning having been born this way.
She read about how warm furry animals let their babies play in the high grasses even when there is some danger nearby because mother was always around there to protect them and the grasses were always there to hide them.
She read about how they grew up this way feeling happy and secure and thought how wonderful it would be to wake up the next morning having been raised this way.
And so she dreamed she had been reborn in that room reborn into a safe world and had grown up again with that understanding and protective mother.
The next morning Wanda knew in her heart that it could be different.
So she called Ancy to come out and talk.
She told Ancy come out sit down here and she said I know some of the things that happened to you when you were young and I know you did not want them to happen to me.
You love me and you are protective of me but maybe a little overprotective.
Thank you for wanting me to be careful and for wanting me to be perfect so people might like me.
I appreciate you wanting these good things for me very much and I trust you really do want to help me.
But Ancy your way is making me way too anxious and unhappy making me afraid to move.
You want me to be happy right?
And Ancy said of course that's why I pay so much attention.
I judge you before others can judge you and warn you to stop and not make a fool of yourself.
Wanda said well I'm unhappy would you like to find a better way to help me?
I'm sorry Ancy said yes I would love to find a better way to help us be happy.
I want to be happy too.
Wanda you have been growing up and learning things but here I am little Ancy stuck at eight years old.
Tell me how I can help.
Wanda said well first know those big people in our lives just expected too much from us.
We all do the best we can.
We are humans.
We're not gods and those were those big people's problems not yours.
Second think about some of our cousin's homes that we used to go to.
Prissy's room was always in perfect order and clean very clean sparkling clean like a commercial.
And Jimmy's room had an old brown coffee stained sofa with a big old dog lying on it and throw rugs all over the floor and books and toys going around.
Tell me the truth.
Where did you have the most fun?
Where did you like hanging out?
And Ancy said well I was always afraid to walk around and put my things down in Prissy's room.
I always felt she was watching me to make sure I didn't dirty it.
I hated going there.
Made me nervous.
But I had a great fun in Jimmy's messy room.
I didn't worry if I spilled some water there.
Wanda said right.
Well I want to be comfortable with myself and I want others to be comfortable with me.
That sounds good to you right?
Ancy said right.
Then Wanda told Ancy remember that nobody wanted to play in Prissy's room and she was lonely.
So please Ancy stay relaxed and carefree when I make a mistake or when I'm imperfect and say things and show me memories that calm me and encourage me that help me.
And Ancy asked like what?
Wanda replied remember when you did that thing that that big person didn't like and she scolded you and sent you away.
Yes answered Ancy.
How could I forget?
Wanda asked what do you wish she had done?
And Ancy answered well I wish she had just explained to me what to do next and how to do it.
I would have learned my lesson.
She didn't have to make me feel so ugly and guilty.
Wanda said right.
If she had done it that way you would feel a lot better about how you look in the mirror now right?
Ancy said right.
Wanda continued remember when that person you admired and in the club called you those names and said that you were selfish or stupid or boring.
Ancy cried that was horrible.
It made me feel useless and stupid.
Wanda said yeah I was really feeling bad for you myself but I wasn't there.
What do you wish they had done?
Ancy said well first they could have stopped calling me names and they could have given me a clear list of the club rules to follow and they could have told me what they liked about me too.
Wanda said great.
You see you know what to do.
You can start doing that for me instead of making me feel so useless and stupid like those people.
Ancy said sorry I didn't know I was doing that.
How do you want me to begin?
And Wanda said well you have been with me as long as I have experienced many things and you have seen the same things that I have including people of all shapes and sizes being happy and in love.
Well I'm sleeping.
Well I'm doing things.
Well I'm planning to do things.
You can go back in time in my life or flip back through the previous pages of my life and find those memories of past successes that I have had to encourage me.
Comforting memories to comfort me.
Find inspiring memories to inspire me.
They're all there and you can find them and you can place them in my mind in the auric fields around me in much more eye catching locations putting a spotlight on them making them a more appealing size and more appealing color than those other thoughts.
You can find all those encouraging words and comforting words inspiring words and say them to me in just the right voice in my inner ear catching the right location using reassuring tones say them to me have them ready.
So instead of warning me of all the bad things that might happen you can use that voice and remind me that there are many good things and good opportunities waiting and you can remind me that some of the people I'm talking to are actually good open minded accepting people.
You can give me those encouraging comforting and inspiring ideas and words.
You can remember I had to mispronounce hundreds of words to learn how to speak and I had to misspell many words before I learned how to write them and I had to follow a few mouthfuls of water to learn how to swim and that I had to scrape my knees a couple of times to learn how to ride a bike and I didn't die did I and now look what I can do.
So you can let me happily and finally make some mistakes again and she said yeah there are so many great memories.
How do I know which ones and Wanda said you know me very well.
You can find the memories that make both you and me happy and confident and relaxed feeling at home in this world.
Search for them while I'm sleeping.
You can search for them while I'm studying or working.
You can go and find them while I'm brushing my teeth or eating dinner and then store them in my mind or in my aric field so that you can use them just like a kung fu master giving them to me faster than those old anxious thoughts can arise and she thought about it and said okay but there is a problem and you have to agree to one thing.
Wanda said what's that and she said would you please start calling me Andy again.
Wanda said okay I'll call you Andy handy Andy.
Okay.
Okay I would love to be your handy Andy.
When and Wanda said anytime one of those old worried or anxious thoughts comes to me anytime I make a little mistake or notice someone looking at me anytime my heart jumps a little or I stop breathing for a second or anytime I tighten up a bit and start worrying those are the times I want you to go into my secret movie theater our secret movie theater and sweep away all those bothersome anxious thoughts and then play me a virtual reality movie showing me pictures and saying things and playing background music that remind me of those encouraging comforting inspiring memories saying those encouraging comforting inspiring words and then through my inner eyes and inner ears send those wonderful memories comforting memories inspiring memories through my inner eyes and inner ears into my heart fill my entire circulatory system with them and send them from there throughout my body filling the fluid around my cells with them filling my thoughts with them and filling the thoughts behind my thoughts with them filling my hair follicles with them and my toes and fingernails with them fill me with so many of them that I become so busy thinking of all the good things that can happen that I just forget to react the way I used to that I just forget when to be anxious and the end he said sounds like fun to me it'll take a little practice but I'm sure I can do it from that day on and he got handier and handier and Wanda got happier and happier more and more wonderful the more handy Andy got at finding those comforting encouraging memories the happier and more wonderful Wanda became and they developed a wonderful partnership and Wanda could do what Wanda wanted to do and her path of live and learn trial and error ups and downs became much more exciting and adventurous when all of your cells my sleepy head my wonderful sleepy head when all of yourself your higher self your lower self your inner self your outer self your past present and future cells know what to do and know how to do it just right for you in a way that is quicker or faster than the old ways and they agree to do it you can use your own time and your own way to return to conscious awareness and go on to sleep or go on to sleep if it's bedtime knowing that all unfinished learning can continue daily at the unconscious level as you go about your day until one day you find that people are more forgiving than you ever thought and you find that life is much more adventurous and fun than you ever imagined it could be remember the old man with the white beard wearing the monk's saffron and purple robes he said to me when all those lessons have settled deeply within in very important locations you can leave them there and come back feeling great and all the secret lessons and memories and magic words can stay back there like little jack-in-the-boxes inside little Pandora's boxes like surprise pop-up cards ready for you at times when you need them they can stay there waiting for you as you come back or go into a deep peaceful sleep forgetting what they are for now so that you can be pleasantly surprised when they show up in unexpected very surprising moments
