Sangha Meeting: Don't Deny The World, Attachment, Tragedies

This recording of our Weekly Sangha meeting on Insight Timer addressed many different topics: that we shouldn't deny the world, to enjoy it but not get attached. To remember, we perceive the world through contrast, and even in tragedies, there is something beautiful that can be found.

Transcript

To remember that the, Yeah, When we come out of the meditation, It's not, We're not trying to compartmentalize that, Oh, I'll feel the peace and the energy when I'm in the meditation, Because this energy is always here. It's just that we're so distracted and lost in our thoughts, Chasing and resisting, We don't feel it, Right? And in fact, We, Because we're so identified with our thoughts, The ego, The separate self, We actually change our energy. And in that way, The energy is always here, But we don't experience it because there's this tightening and this, Or more anxious energy that's coming up to the surface. And so this practice is not about getting anywhere. It's about removing all of the obstacles that are in the way to experiencing what is always here. So yeah, It's good to remember this as we come out of the meditation. Yes, There's a little, There might be a little bit of a shift because we're coming more into paying, Reading the comments or listening to the words a little bit differently with your eyes open perhaps. But, You know, There's kind of a practice with this. I mean, This is what our mindfulness practice is, Is to recognize as we're coming back out into the world, Right? And we do need to navigate the world and decisions need to be made and we're decisioning happening, Places to go, Things that are going to happen, Just to notice the mind kind of when it's getting a little too far ahead and keep bringing it back. It's bringing the mind back into the body. That's where the energy is. That's where the pleasant energy, The good energy is that we want to feel, That when we ask in the meditation, What is it that you want more than anything else in the world for yourself? That's the energy. We want the energy that's here and now, But we spend so much of our lives chasing around, Chasing our tails, Literally chasing our tails, Looking for some experience outside of us to bring us into this energy for a fleeting moment, For a fleeting moment. And mostly, Most of the time, 99% of why it feels good when we get somewhere that we want to get to or we imagine we need some object outside of us, 99% of it, Probably 99. 999% of it is simply because the chasing mind has subsided for a few moments. We got there. We got the object. And so with the chasing mind gone, We feel, Ah, I'm okay. We imagine it's the object that brought me this feeling. It was the dropping out of that mind, The chasing mind. Not that there's not pleasant things in life, Right? We do want to experience the nice things in life. We're not denying ourselves pleasures. But even even in experiencing the pleasures of life to understand like, Yeah, There's a little bit of a, You know, Excitement that comes with it, But allowing that little bit of extra excitement to come and go that we can still find that sense of ease and peace in there if we're not grasping at it, If we're not chasing it. I see your other comment here, Crystal. Yeah, It's nice to linger in it. Yeah, It's nice to anchor in the breath and not chase it. That's the point. When our attention is anchored on the breath or a mantra, Even a contemplation, An object, There's the chasing is gone, Right? That's the chasing is gone. And it feels so pleasant. And it doesn't mean that we can't go about our day. Even go about our day, You want to create things, You want to progress in your job, You want to learn things, You want to do things like none of that's fine. There's, You know, Enjoy the world, Right? We're here. Let's not deny the world. But we can do that while still being here and enjoying every bit of it. Not imagining that I'll be happier over there when I get something because I won't be. And if you always imagine you'll be happier somewhere other than where you are, When you get there, All that's going to happen is you'll have a moment's break, Because the chasing mind will drop out for a few moments. But it will just start back up again. It will start right back up again. And if you cannot be present now, There is nothing in the future that's going to bring you greater happiness. Because when you get to that future moment, It's the present moment. And the mind will just keep doing what it's been doing, What you've been training it to do. What our culture and society also very much reinforces that it's always out there. It's the next thing, Right? And to feel, Again, Why we ask the question in the meditation, What's most important, As again, Another anchor to keep reminding us we are so easily distracted. We so easily get lost in what someone else has, Their achievements, Their success, They're going on a retreat, They're going on a holiday, They've got this partner, Right? That we get so easily distracted and lost in chasing things that just perpetuate this mindset of happiness is over there. And all that happens is the goalpost just keeps moving again and again. We get there, All this effort, All this stress, All this energy wasted, All this unpleasant energy, Because what if I don't get there? What if someone gets there first? What if someone takes it all, Right? All this unpleasant energy to get there. And for a few moments, Ah, It falls away, Right? We feel good, Not because of the object, Not because of the success, Not because of the praise, Because the chasing mind fell away for a few moments. The fearful mind, The mind that was fearful, That thought, What if I don't get there? Because the chasing and the fear, The desire and the resistance, Right? The aversion, They're two sides of the same coin, Right? I want to get over there and now I'm afraid that I won't get over there. So the energy, The vibration that we want to feel, The connection, The belonging, The sense of worthiness, Of being whole, Of feeling complete, It is not in anything outside of us. That simply perpetuates the sense of lack and scarcity. It is in remembering it's right now. And even as we're going about our day, Right? And we're pursuing goals and we're doing things, It's okay to do things, Right? But to not imagine that my happiness is over there, It's right here. It's here in this moment, My sense of connection, My sense of belonging, My sense of wholeness, It's only ever right here, This moment. And that's what we're doing in mindfulness, Is to recognize that tightening and all the minds over there and just bring it back, Just bring it back, No beating ourselves up, Right? As we talked about in our Sangha on Insight Timer a couple weeks back, Right? Begin again, Just begin again, No judgment, No beating ourselves up because we had a little comparing thought or a jealous thought or a worrying thought, Right? There's no, We have this idea that somehow if I beat myself up about it, Then I'll stop doing it. No, You just go from one sense of separateness to another sense of separateness, Now beating myself up for it. So it's begin again, Every time, Begin again, Let go, Oof, New moment, Begin again, You're here. And then we learn to trust this moment over time, The present moment, Because we do not trust the present moment, Right? That's why we keep going back up into our thoughts, No, I've got to hold everything together, I've got to make sure everyone likes me, I've got to make sure that all my relationships are in good order, I've got to make sure that I'm safe, I'm secure for the future, Right? And not to say that there's not ever, Thinking is not bad, Thinking is not the enemy. But when this constant kind of just, I mean, We have 50, 60, 70, 000 thoughts a day, I mean, Just the same, Just rehashing again, This feeling of scarcity and lack, And I'm incomplete, And I'm not worthy, Only to kind of get to that moment, Oh, No, No, I feel like everything's good, All my ducks are in a row, For a few moments, We feel safe, Oh, Phew, They finally texted me back, Oh, They don't hate me, Oh, I can breathe again. And we feel good for a few moments, And then the mind just go, Oh, But what else? Oh, No, No, No, What about what happened? What if this happens? And we get lost again, And we just keep getting lost and lost and lost. It's just begin again, To keep coming back, To begin again. Our ducks are never going to stay in a row for very long. They're always changing. The world is always changing. The wisdom of impermanence, That's, There's nothing in this world that isn't changing. Nothing. Sometimes we win, Sometimes we lose, Sometimes we get praise, Sometimes we get criticized. Yes, The praise feels better than the criticism, No question, But let the praise go through you. Don't get attached to it, Right? Just, Ah, It's nice, It's a good cue, Good social cue, Oh, That was a good thing, Okay? And then let it go through you, Right? And the wins, Yeah, Enjoy it, Enjoy the wins, Enjoy the comfort, Enjoy the nice meal, But just letting them go through you, Right? Because every experience is impermanent. The more we grasp at it, The more we suffer. There's just this moment. There's nothing on the other side of this moment. There's just this moment. See Rosa's question here. Oh, That's great to hear that you're, Rosa, Your first meditation with a coworker from Sri Lanka. He took your phone and he put insight timer on it for you. I love that. What a, What a fortunate moment for you, Rosa. What a, An important moment in your life, That coworker. Think about if you hadn't, I mean, That coworker being in, Working in whatever proximity to you that you two worked at the same company at that time, The fortuitous conditions that then brought them to you and whoever it was that brought him, Or I think you said him, To insight timer, Right? And then the person that brought that other person, Previous person to insight timer, Right? Right? Although you say from Sri Lanka, So Buddhist country, Very much a Theravadan Buddhist country, Right? What if that coworker wasn't from Sri Lanka, From a different country? I mean, How amazing, What a gift that he gave you and that you started meditating because your paths crossed. And we all have a story like that of how we began meditating. We saw a flyer, We, Maybe our doctor recommended it to us, Or we heard a friend of ours started meditating and we're like, Wow, You seem really calm and relaxed. What are you doing? And you start looking and you find something, Right? We all have this story, This moment that was such a pivotal moment in bringing us on the spiritual path and to have gratitude for that, To have gratitude. And it's why in our meditation, I was asking us to reflect back, To have gratitude for ourselves, For all of the times that we have sat and meditated. And for that very first time, That was so scary for so many of us. So, So scary. I remember for myself when I went into, It was Deepak Chopra, His center was a couple of blocks from my office. And this was in San Diego. This was back in 1999. And so many times I stood outside there wanting to go in and I was terrified because I thought I was a financial advisor. I worked at Merrill Lynch. I was corporate. There I was standing in my high heels and business suit and, You know, See people walking in. I'm like, They don't look like me. And back then in 19, Even just back in 1999, Meditation was not, It was not something I shared with people. It was definitely not something I told people I did. I kept it very, Very secret, Very hidden, But I was so afraid to walk in there. And finally I did one day, Whatever it was that pushed me to walk in there and say, I'm just going to do it. I didn't know what I was doing. It wasn't even a class where they taught you meditation. I mean, It was, I didn't know what I was doing, But something clicked, Something clicked that day and I stuck with it. And for all those times, And that's why so often we look and think of where we're going and we forget about all of those efforts, All of that effort that we have already put into our practice, That we are receiving all of the benefits of every meditation, Every mindful moment, Every moment of gratitude, Of kindness, Of forgiveness, Of patience, Of compassion. Every time we let something go, All of those moments to be grateful for, It's brought us to this moment. And these are the good conditions that bring us to this moment to keep us in this moment. Oh, And I'm glad to hear you guys are still friends and call each other. And just from Crystal, Yeah, There's always a beginning and an end. Seasons change. Yeah, Everything changes. How you feel now about something you'll feel different later. Don't get too attached to it. Don't get too attached to anything, Really to anything. Because every time we get attached, The way we attach is we get lost in our stories, In our thoughts. And that's where the little separate me, The separate self, The ego arises in our stories. And we get so lost in the spin of our stories. And we're being yanked all around, So believing this alternate reality, Preventing us from being here and seeing that we are, That we have good lives, That everything's okay, That we're safe. And to feel that sense of connection, Because every time we get lost in our thoughts, Not wanting the good times to end, Trying to cling, Make them stay, Pushing back on the times that are unpleasant. Every time we do that, We create a sense of separation. I am now separate. There's a little me that I believe more than I believe reality. My perception of reality might be illusion. We believe that more. And I feel separate, And I feel disconnected, And I feel like I need something in order to be complete. And that's why the mind then focuses outwards. If I could just get over there, Then I'd feel better. Get there. Oh, It didn't work. Let me go to the next thing. Oh, It didn't work either, Right? We're just chasing our tails. Even when we're experiencing something unpleasant, Because we do experience unpleasant. You can't have pleasant without unpleasant. You can't have one without the other. You can't have up without down, Hot without cold, Praise without criticism, Gain without loss. They are all two sides of the same coin, But we so chase, I only want the good conditions. And when I get the unpleasant conditions, I'm just going to push back on it, Even in the unpleasant conditions. If you don't push back on it, And you just accept, Okay, This is what's going on right now, It doesn't mean if you're on a plane, And it's really uncomfortable, And maybe your legs are cramping up, Stand up, Go for a walk up and down the hall, Right? Let's have wisdom here, Right? It doesn't mean we can't do something. But without the story, Why is this happening to me, And I'm so uncomfortable, And I'm never doing this again, All of the ways in which we push back, Create more suffering. As soon as we accept, And accept, Accepting what's happening, But not but still recognizing, Oh, I can stand up, I can do something. My legs cramping, I can rub my calf. It doesn't mean we can't do something. But still with that mindset of okay, I can do something. But I can also still be accepting of the situation at the same time. Not mentally pushing back on it. Because everyone experiences unpleasant. Everybody experiences unpleasant. The Dalai Lama experiences unpleasant. The Pope experiences unpleasant. Everyone experiences it. But it doesn't last. That's the thing, It doesn't last. And for most of us, For most of us, Our unpleasant is really just neutral conditions. And most of our life is kind of neutral condition, Right? We have pleasant conditions, Unpleasant conditions, Neutral, The neutral mundane, Going about our day, Showering, Doing our hair, Doing the dishes, Feeding the dogs, Like all those just mundane moments throughout the day, Running errands, Preparing dinner, Going to the grocery store. That's most of our experience. I mean, We have the highlights, The exciting moments, Yeah, They'll still be there. But we also have the moments where we are experiencing physical pain, You know, Our body's sick, We're losing someone that we love. Right? We're in a little bit of a stressful situation, You're about to miss your plane, You got to run. Okay. Right. But it's this understanding that this is part of life too. That in fact, It's out of those moments, Right? That then when it changes and you go, Oh, Oh, This feels good too. Yay, I got to get up off the plane now. Yay, This is exciting. But not all the suffering building up to it. Just okay, This is unpleasant, It's not going to last. It's not going to last. And out of all those mundane moments, Out of all those, Can you guys hear the horn honking? I'm just going to see if there's no, No one's there. Sorry. I don't know if you can hear the horn honking out there. Out of all the mundane moments, That is most of our life, Probably 60% of our life, Just mundane moments. It's the word, The extraordinary comes out of the ordinary. Right? Just wait, It's going to change. Just wait. It's going to change. It always does. It always changes. And that's the beauty of our lives that when we're present and not chasing and not trying to force or control or believe that there's something better over there, Right? We can bear what's happening in this moment when it is unpleasant, Which is usually not that much for us. And when it changes, There is really someone honking there. Hang on. Oh, It's the gas guy. I don't know why. Sorry. Sorry, This happens in Mexico. Sometimes the natural gas guy is here. So yeah, Sometimes we have the calls. No one's here. No one bothers me out here every now and then. The natural gas guy shows up. So out of the mundane, Out of the ordinary comes the extraordinary. Just be present. Be present for it all. The peace, Even again, In the mundane moments, The boring moments, You're paying the bills, You're doing your taxes, All of that stuff. If you're present, If you're not pushing back on it in your mind, There's still the peace. It's here. The peace is the absence of the pushing back. The peace is the absence of the grasping. It's not in what conditions are happening. It's not that I need to be in first class versus economy, Or that I need to be in this place versus that place. Those things are actually irrelevant. It's all up here. What am I grasping? Am I pushing back? Am I reaching forward? Or am I here? And again, And I always like to balance this out, Because I think people take this to the extreme. And then they say, Well, That just means you're not going to do anything. And you're going to be a big blob. No, Doesn't mean that at all. You're present for your life. That's what it means. The creativity that comes, The wiser choices, Wiser choicing that's happening out of that, From being here and feeling the peace that is always here. It's always here. It's not outside of us. It's here. The gas guy's gone now. Okay. Oh, From Crystal. Thank you, Crystal. Thank you. Great comment. People have this perception that meditators don't have unpleasant moments, Or that meditation teachers don't have unpleasant moments. Of course not. Of course not. There's this idea that if we're on a spiritual path, No one should ever be unkind to us. We should never experience discomfort in the body. No one should ever take advantage of us. No, Of course not. The difference is our response to it. Because we understand, The wisdom is understanding this is the world we live in, To stop fighting back and imagining that I should only ever experience pleasant conditions. And that is the, I mean, That's the ego, Right? That's the ego. It always wants the praise. It never wants the criticism. Always wants to win. It never wants to lose. It always wants the comfort, Never wants the discomfort, Right? There's no wisdom in that. There's no wisdom in any of that. It's the understanding that this is the world that we live in. We are trying to live in reality, To come out of this thought-created world, That really there's such naive thought-created world, This childish thought-created world that we live in, That only wants the good and never wants the bad. If you were praised every day and never criticized, It would mean nothing to you after a while. Nothing. If you only ever won and never lost, It would mean nothing. It's how we experience the world. It's why we can appreciate the good moments. And when the moments are unpleasant, Just to remember, This won't last either. This won't last either. It's okay, Right? It's going to fit. It's going to pass, Right? It's how we experience the world. If we only, We could not, There would be nothing to experience if it were just one thing. We need the contrast in order to experience the world. And out of, Even out of that which we perceive as bad and that which we perceive as good, It's not one thing, Right? Out of tragedies, People step up and do amazing things. And even just that sense of connection, That sense of we're all in this together all of a sudden. I can remember in the States after 9-11, This sense of just all of a sudden we were all in it together. A tragedy, Right? Or just even the tragedies that, There is a story from after the tsunamis in 2004 in Thailand. Thailand and, Oh my gosh, I'm going to forget. I think Indonesia, I can't remember the other countries, But Southeastern, Southern Asia. And of course, The tsunami wiped out villages. I mean, Just wiped out entire villages. And there was this man who had lost all of his family, All of his children, His wife. And of course, I mean, A tragedy. I mean, You can imagine the grief, The suffering that this man is going through. And then somehow he, I don't remember the exact details, That he'd come across all of these orphan children because all of their parents, I think, Were in this field and they all got wiped out, All died. And he started adopting the kids. And then he ended up with, Last I read this story was probably maybe five or six years ago. I think he had 30-something kids that he had adopted. And in this interview, He said, You know, I would never ask for what happened. Like, I love my family and I miss them every day, Of course. But I would have never known this love that I have right now from adopting all of these kids. So even in tragedies, In tragedies, There's amazing things that happen, But we look at it in such a binary way, Right? And I think there's so much wisdom and compassion in saying, Well, Let's see. People step up in amazing ways in tragedies as well. So even just to think of this kind of, When people say, Well, Why is there, You know, Or good or evil or just good or bad? It's like, It's such a binary, Such a simplistic way to look at the world. I mean, You would never ask for these bad things to happen, Of course. But the reality is that they do. And then there are some extraordinary things. We often dig so deep in extraordinary ways, In extraordinary circumstances. So yeah, We are trying to live in accord with reality, Not to change reality out there, To be in accord with it, To find peace and harmony within and peace and harmony with the external world, That even in the tragedies to say, Ah, But let's keep looking what else is happening here. It's not one thing. And it's always changing. This is a ride. You are the ride. We're trying to stop fighting the ride. Enjoy it all. Experience it all. Be here, Be present, Because that's where these extraordinary moments come from, When we really do, We step up in ways that we could have never imagined. So don't hesitate as well. So many times we hesitate, Where we see someone, The person at the subway station, That someone falls on the train tracks, And someone jumps in and gets them, Right? There's always the story, Someone jumps in. And pulls them out and they're interviewed afterwards. What were you thinking? I wasn't thinking of anything. I mean, You see in that moment, There is a seeing of the shared connection that pushes someone to risk their own lives for a complete stranger. And if you were to ask all the other people on the subway platform that didn't ask, What were you thinking? Oh, I was thinking about whether I could even get down there and back in time. Could I lift them up? That I've got to be somewhere in a little while, I can't be late. Only one person leaves the subway platform that day without regret, The person that acted. Out of extraordinary moments, We act in extraordinary ways. We should not view these moments so simplistically, So naively, To say, Well, It's just one thing. It's not one thing. It's never one thing. That's the teaching of emptiness. Emptiness, The great Mahayana Buddhist teaching. Emptiness does not mean voidness, Does not mean nothingness. It means not one thing. Not one thing. I mean, Just to look at one… Thich Nhat Hanh uses the example of the flower. When you look at the flower, There's the sun, There's the rain, There's the clouds, There's the worms, There's the bacteria, There's the cow manure, All of those things, That's the flower. And in our own lives, When we even look back on our own lives, When we look back at the times that were so challenging, So difficult, Something got birthed out of there. Something was born out of there that maybe pushed us on a spiritual path, That had a friend, Rosa, You know, Your friend said, Ah, You're going through something. Download insight time or start meditating, Right? Look at the whole thing. Look at the whole thing. If we look at the world in a binary way, We are missing so much. Of course, For all those people that are suffering, The people are suffering, The people in the Middle East, In the Ukraine, In Africa, I mean, Just so many places where people are suffering. Compassion, Practice compassion, Practice tonglen, My favorite compassion practice, Because we need to be able to move towards pain and suffering as well, Because in our ability to look at someone's pain and suffering, To move closer to it, And in tonglen meditation, Not just to move closer to it, But taking on the pain and suffering of others and transforming it, We are transforming ourselves. It's not one thing. It's not one thing. Okay, I'll just go to Leslie here. Sorry, I'm a little late getting back to you here, Leslie. I know we all find this path when we're ready. Is there a thoughtful and respectful way to encourage, Suggest it to someone you feel can benefit? So far, I've just shared the piece that's brought me. Really lovely question, The way you propose that, Leslie, Because a thoughtful and respectful way to encourage and suggest it. As Rosa said, Like apparently your relationship with this co-worker, Like it was good, And you received it, You were open to it, To receive the gift of meditation. But not everyone's ready for it. And the more we push something on someone, The more they push back, Right? So it's really important that we understand the teaching of right gift, Right time, Right? And I think we understand this teaching best without attachment. It's not our job to change the world. That's not our job. Even as a teacher, As I stand up here and sit here and send this information out to you, It's not my job to change you, Right? I'm not attached to that. If I was, I would suffer, Right? I give it freely, Lovingly, With kindness. I wish for you what this path has done for me. And I send it out here to you, And I hope it's received. But there's not an attachment to, Well, You really taking it in. And so I think sometimes when we propose to someone to meditate, There's this attachment to, I want them to find peace. I need them to find peace. So many times, I can't tell you the number of times people will say, I really need to bring my partner to these classes. I really need my partner to start meditating. And it's not about needing someone to meditate. If it's really with this idea that I think someone could benefit from it, I think one of the best things that we can do is just show kindness to them, Show care for them, Show compassion. And if there's a moment, The right time arises, Don't put it on your schedule, Just the right time arises, And you feel there's a moment to say, Let's just take a minute and just breathe together, Or let's just take a moment and come into our hearts, Or it's just the moment where they're really saying that they're feeling safe with you and saying, Yeah, I'm really stressed, And I could really use some help. And hey, Have you thought about meditation? Maybe just give it a try. Maybe you could give it a try, And you could go on Insight Timer, And there's all these courses, And you could learn and just maybe give it a try, But really doing it with this attitude of kind of showing them the path, But not pushing them into it, But just, Okay, And then you leave it with them. And you just, Okay, The right gift at the right time, And now I leave it with you. So very beautiful way of the way you asked that, Leslie, Because too often, And it is, I totally get like, We get so excited sometimes. It's like, Oh my gosh, I can't believe how great this path is, And we want everyone to experience it. And that's a good intention, But everyone is walking their own path, And we have to be really careful the way we present, The way we share this path, Because this is a path of peace and non-attachment, And that is interesting how quickly we can get attached to needing everyone else to be on the path, And then kind of falling off the path in that way, Because we're getting attached to something. So beautifully, Beautifully asked question, Leslie. Thank you. Oh, From Stacy, What made me move here to Mexico? I'll just very briefly. I've been coming down here for a long time. I used to live in San Diego, So Baja, California, And Tijuana is very close, But I'm way down, I'm about a thousand miles down Baja, And I first started coming here because I kite surfed. So the first time I came here was in 2010, And I used to do a lot of kite surfing, And for those of you know with the big kite and the surfboard, Actually I was doing the hydrofoil. I don't, I only kite usually a couple times a year now, Just to make sure I remember how to do it, But I don't really seem to have much of an interest these days, But it was the kite surfing, And then three years ago I was down here just for the winter, And decided, You know what, I'm going to just stay, And built a house, And got permanent residency, And I was kind of ready for a change from the states as well, And I just, I very much like the laid-back pace here, And uh, It's, It's just a tiny, It's a little, Little fishing village. It gets pretty busy during the winter because we do have good wind, So a lot of kite surfing, Wind surfing, A lot of mountain biking, A lot of people, A lot of snowbirds come down in the winter, And then in the summer it's very, Very quiet again, But still relatively speaking. I just got back from Mexico City yesterday, I was there for a week, And it feels so quiet and peaceful again, So nice. So it just, In it all, I mean, This whole path has just unfolded for me in ways I could have never, Ever imagined, Never imagined. As I said, I worked in the financial industry for 25 years, I was a hedge fund trader the last part of my career, And I would have never imagined I'd be down here in Mexico living on my own, Living very much a spiritual life. I mean, I live my life as close to my spiritual practice as I can, Really, Really, Um, And I, And I think that came out of because I first moved to a Buddhist monastery in 2013, I thought I was going to become a nun, And then when I didn't become a nun, I thought, Okay, Well, I still want to live my life very much dedicated to my spiritual practice, Because nothing has brought me more peace and joy than this path. And, And I say that, And I've shared this before, I mean, Coming from a place where there was a lot of suffering, A lot of suffering, A lot of unhappiness, Um, A lot of taking things to alter my mind. I was still very successful in my career, But I mean, At the end of the day, I'd come home, I would smoke something, I'd drink something, I didn't know how to turn off the thoughts, And those thoughts that made me feel so unworthy, So unlovable, So that there was something so wrong with me, I so believed it, That there was something wrong with me, Something fundamentally broken about me, And I could have never imagined where this path would take me, And it just keeps, Because I, I realized I'm not controlling this, It just keeps taking me along, And I'm open to it, And, And I think there is something about this path, The more you let go, The more you let go, Because you realize there is, You are not controlling any of this, You are simply arising in each moment based on causes and conditions, Getting nudged and nudged and nudged, And the less you, You, When you stop fighting it, There's almost this kind of, Like, It doesn't mean that all of a sudden everything is, You know, Puppies and rainbows, It doesn't mean that everything's great and no one's ever unkind to you, It doesn't mean that, But it's, But things do seem to align, I don't know how else to say it, I mean they, They just seem to, You seem to have enough for what you need in that moment, And and it just seems to keep opening up in ways I could have never imagined, Could have never imagined, And would have never, If you'd asked me 25 years ago, Where will you be in 25 years, Then I probably would have said, Oh, I hope I'm the CEO of Merrill Lynch, I would have had very different aspirations, I would have never imagined this is where I ended up, And I'm so grateful, I just, I walk around like, I don't know how this happened, I don't know how this happened, But I'm grateful that it did, So. How would I suggest to cope with family members' long-term toxic behavior? It's a good question, Ellie, Because a lot of people are dealing with that, I think the first, It's always important to recognize when someone's behavior is toxic towards us, And I, And I am just going to add also, How wise and compassionate it was for you to say their behavior, Not them. I mean, I'm serious, There's so much wisdom and compassion in saying the behavior is toxic, Not that they're toxic, Because the toxic behavior is, Again, A result of causes and conditions, Their causes and conditions. If you had had the same causes and conditions, Your behavior would be toxic as well, Right? We are the result of our causes and conditions, So it is so important for us to recognize, Yes, It's their behavior, It's their causes and conditions, It's not personal, It feels so personal, It's not personal. You are the result, Ellie, Of all of your causes and conditions, They are the result of all of their causes and conditions, And that does not mean that we don't set a boundary with that person, Even a family member, Right? People say, Oh, It's family, I can't. Yes, You can, Yes, You can, You can set a boundary, Because it's not healthy for you to be around someone that is causing you harm, That is maybe just in some way their conversation, Their dialogue is quite aggressive and toxic, And creates and maybe kind of brings out some resistance in you, Because it's also really important for us to know where we are in our practice, To know how much time we can spend around someone, How much time we can be around someone that is exhibiting toxic behavior before it brings out our ego, Right? So I think that's really wise and compassionate to ourselves to say, Hey, It's not healthy for me, It's, I need to set a boundary with this person, Right? And however that might look to whether you need to have a conversation with them, Whether you can write them a letter or send them an email, It's really difficult. I mean, Setting boundaries is not easy, It's not an easy thing to do, But we have to be so careful, Because we know the alternative, If we're not setting a boundary with someone who is exhibiting toxic behavior with us, We are still having that conversation in our head and pushing back on them, And then our thoughts turn to judging and resentment and anger and ill will, And all the things that we do not want to be cultivating within ourselves, All of the ways in which we're closing down our heart, We close down our hearts, There's no wisdom, There's no compassion. So it's so important for our health, Our peace of mind, To set a boundary, To understand, It's not, There's no wisdom in saying, Well, I should just suck it up and let this person treat me poorly, Because it would be too painful to have this conversation with him. There is way more pain in not having the conversation, Way more pain that you are causing to yourself, Changing who you are in that moment, Because if you focus on thoughts of judging someone, Again, Anger, Ill will, Resentment, Thinking about all of their unpleasant qualities, Whatever your mind focuses on, Is who you are becoming in that moment, Judgmental, Angry, Bitter, Not who you want to become. So, So I do want to make that clear, It's, It's understanding they are who they are through their causes and conditions, So that we don't have the anger or ill will towards them. They are the result of their causes and conditions, Just as I am the result of my causes and conditions, No anger or ill will towards someone, But the wisdom and the compassion to know it's not healthy to be around this person. I need to set a boundary, And often writing a letter, I think can be a good way to do it, To say, I need a little bit of space. This behavior is, Is creating a wedge between us, And it's not safe for me, It's not healthy for me to stay in this relationship. It's tough to do that, It's tough to do it, But you won't regret it. And then that person is also learning, Oh, My behavior has consequences, Because yes, It does. You are the result of your causes and conditions, You also are the heir to the consequences of every action that comes out of those causes and conditions. And that action, That consequence, Could in fact, Nudge them to recognize, I need to change. Could, Might not, Don't bank on that, And don't do it for that reason, They're walking their own path. If it's a situation where you can just, You can kind of slowly let it just stop, You know, Engaging much with them, Responding very often, Text, Hey, I'm busy, Hope you're well, You know, If you can just kind of keep them a little bit, Okay, You know, You'll have to judge what's the best way to handle that. But absolutely, Our practice does not mean we become doormats, And that we allow people, We allow their behavior, Their toxic behavior to continue towards us. There's no wisdom in that, There's no compassion in that. So I hope that helps. Oh, From Rosa, I love it, From Kushan, Carried Kush in his cars and you went to the building's roof. I used to go in my car and meditate in the garage once the Deepak Chopra Center went away, He had moved to another part of San Diego, And I used to just go in my car and meditate. We go where we can, I've gone in bathrooms and meditated, We have meditated in a lot of strange places, We go where we can to find those few minutes. And just on that again, While we have our formal meditation practice, Everyone probably here, I would imagine on Insight Timer, You have your 20, 30, 40 minutes, Maybe hour that you do in the morning, And then in the evening, Little minute meditations throughout the day, Little minute meditations. That's pausing, Centering yourself, Remembering because we do, Especially in the beginning of our practice, You know, As we're learning the wisdom teachings, Impermanence, Emptiness, Interconnectedness, Interdependence, Karma, As we're learning all of the wisdom teachings and taking them from an intellectual understanding down into a place of knowing, It's really good to just have those pauses throughout the day because the mind is so used to just chasing and resisting because all the minds around you are doing this as well. And our culture has been doing it for thousands of years now. It's very much ingrained. It's all around us, Right? And so it's really important just to take those minutes. Oh yeah, Connect back. And as many of you know, You know, I love the heart-centered energy. There's something and science has really proven the more we bring our attention to our hearts, Activating that heart-centered energy. I mean, We do physically change our heart in that moment just by breathing in and out of our hearts, Right? We bring our heart into coherence. When our heart feels safe, It sends a message up to the brain, Hey, I wouldn't be beating like this if we weren't safe, Right? And the brain says, Oh, The heart says we're safe, Then we're safe. And your whole nervous system relaxes. And just to pull yourself, So, You know, Affecting your nervous system, Bringing your nervous system down and remembering, Oh yeah, It wasn't out there. It wasn't in the next moment. My happiness wasn't there. It's right here. What I want is to feel this. I want to feel the absence of the grasping because in the absence of the grasping is the peace and harmony. Oh yeah, I just forgot for a moment. I thought it was out there again. And I brought myself, It's here again. Oh, That's right. I forgot. It's okay. We all forget. It's okay. It's okay. Begin again, Right? And you're here and you start to connect in and feeling your body coming into your body, Feeling it. Oh yeah, It's okay. It's okay. I'm back. Yeah, Right? And just begin again, Begin again, Begin again, Over and over, Beginning again. And every time you do that, Every time you bring yourself back, Even for those little one minutes, You start trusting this moment more than the thoughts. You start having more evidence. I feel better when I'm here. I feel connected when I'm here. It's the thoughts, The ego thoughts, The separate self that makes us feel this sense of lack and separation and then sends us out on this mission to try and get something for us to feel more complete. But we are already complete. We are a part of this tapestry. We cannot not be a part of it. We can think we're not. That's the thing. That's what we're asleep to. We think we're not a part of it. We've fallen asleep. We're lost in the dream. And it's coming out of the dream back here. Oh yeah. A moment ago, I thought I had all these problems. Where'd they go? Oh, I'm here again. I'm back again. And we feel that sense, That energy, That vibration of just that. It is such a beautiful sensation of peace and harmony, Of ease, Of contentment, And still going about and doing the things that you want to do in the world. It's okay to do things. It's okay to have goals, Right? Just not believing that I'll be happy, That there's anything happier, There's anything here that could be happier over there. When the more joyous moments happen, When you have the slice of chocolate cake, The nice latte, The nice meal, The nice massage, Enjoy it. It's good. Don't deny it. Enjoy it. This is nice, Right? But it's not, Don't start grasping at it, Right? We do this. We go and you go and get a massage or a pedicure or something. And you're there getting it. And now you're thinking, But I should do this every week. How can I fit time in for this every week? You're already grasping at it. So just enjoy the good conditions because they can't last. Whatever is pleasurable will eventually turn to pain. Enjoy it and let it go. It has its moment. The latte is nice. Enjoy it. The chocolate cake is nice. Enjoy it. But five pieces of chocolate cake is no longer pleasurable. Three hours, Four hours on the massage table is no longer pleasurable. Whatever is pleasurable will eventually turn to pain. Whatever you are doing that is pleasurable will eventually turn to pain. We're not denying the experience of pleasure. It has its limitations. Just let it, Ah, This is nice. Yay. The ride's fun. Let it go through you. So that when it ends, There's not this, Oh, Oh no, I got to get back there. It's just, That was pleasant. And now this is okay. And mostly, And I will reiterate this again, Mostly we are going from kind of exciting, Pleasant moments to a lot of just mundane, Neutral moments. And that mundane, Neutral moments, There is peace there. If we're not pushing back on it, We're not chasing. And then when we do experience the unpleasant, When we're sick, Our body's experiencing discomfort, We're getting old. I mean, I know this at 58, I'll be 59 in a month. You know, The body does not feel like it used to feel, Right? There's definitely things I can't do that I used to do. And you feel it, You know, Or you're losing. Again, I've lost a lot of people that I love in the last, Just in the last few years. And, You know, Those are the, Loss is real, Real physical discomfort or feeling sick, Like that's really happening. To be able to be with that too, To be able to be with the situation, You have a family member who is exhibiting toxic behavior, A colleague who's exhibiting toxic behavior, A friendship that's a little bit on the rocks, Right? To be with that too, Not with this, I got to fix it right away, Just, I can bear this too. I can feel it in the body, Feeling what's happening now. Now, What's not happening is the story you're telling yourself about it. It's not happening. What is happening is what you're feeling and coming in and feeling and being with it. Because we can bear the feelings, It's the story that throws us over the edge. How am I going to handle this in the next moment? What if they say this? What if that happens? What if they responded this way? All of that that gets us lost in this spin, Separation, Disconnection, Lack, Scarcity, Fear, Worry, Anxiety, Right? And so instead of getting lost in the story of it, We come in and we feel it. It's energy. It's not as pleasant as the energy of gratitude, Right? It's not as pleasant as that, But it's just energy. It's a little more tense. There's a little more pressure. You can feel something solid. It feels solid. Of course, There's nothing solid, Right? But it feels that way. The intensity of the pressure is a little stronger. And you feel it and you breathe space into it. And you can be with it. And you find, Oh, Even in the sadness, Even in the grief, In the loss, There's peace when I'm not pushing back on this. Because if that person didn't mean something to me, There wouldn't be this feeling of loss. I can bear it in this moment. So coming into the body and feeling, Right? Enjoy the good, Have gratitude. When the pleasant conditions are there, Have gratitude. We do not know, By the way, For most of us that live in countries that are relatively safe and don't have war, You know, Directly on your doorstep, We do not know how long these good conditions will last. Have gratitude. Just the fact that you can walk out your front door and not be afraid. Have gratitude. Appreciate the good conditions that we have. When the conditions are mundane, Okay, That's most of life. Be with that to feel it. It's okay. It's going to change. It's not going to last. And the more that you can be with the pleasant and the mundane, When the unpleasant conditions, Which are a part of it as well, The truly unpleasant is a relatively small portion of it. For most of us, Not everyone on this planet, By no stretch am I saying everyone on this planet has these conditions. Many people on this planet are still in survival mode. This would be a very different talk. You are on this call because you've survived. You've survived. If you can take an hour out of your day to be on a Dharma talk, To join your Sangha, You've survived. And you have the good conditions to be able to transcend now, To see what is beyond survival, To see the amazing world in which we live in, Because it is, This is a trip. This is a total trip that is changing moment by moment by moment, That all the little things, A butterfly, A bird, A scorpion, A snake, What your dog does, Who calls you next, All of these different things, The weather, I mean, It's all affecting and arising in each moment. And when you see that, And you are able to experience the world as this continuous, Interdependent, Interconnected, Arising and changing moment by moment, That you have the good conditions to be able to look and see this, Everything changes. Everything changes. We have the good conditions. We shouldn't take them for granted. We shouldn't take them for granted. You didn't make the good conditions, You be grateful that you have these good conditions. Gratitude is in all of this, Because in one moment, This is all going to be over, This part of it. Meredith will be over. But consciousness, Consciousness doesn't, Consciousness is not subject to beginning and end. Awareness is not subject to beginning and end. But the ride of Meredith will come to an end. And I'll see where it goes from here. See where the ride of Ellie goes, The ride of Leslie, Of Rosa, Of Stacey, Of Crystal, Right? Of Mary, And Dean, And Kathy, And Libby, And Kara. See where it goes. We're getting someone back there. I can't see where it goes. Be open to it. You have the good conditions. We've got to get out of the head. We've got to get out of the ego. We've got to stop believing this illusion, Maya. It's just suffering. It's suffering. So we are doing, Because we'll bring this, We'll wrap up our call here, As I think we've gotten through all the questions. So for next Sunday Sangha on Insight Timer, Uh, We are starting a new series. This is based on a course I used to do called The Ego Game. I've changed the name. I just changed it this morning to Ego and Identity, Excuse me, Ego and Identity, Understanding Its Varied Faces. So we're going to start on Insight Timer this Sunday and, Uh, And really go through understanding how the ego's arising, What it's trying to do, Uh, How we get lost in it. So really having a good understanding of the ego, Uh, The fundamental, Kind of the fundamental nature of the ego. Because while it's an illusion, I'm not saying it's not, You know, It's an arising. It's like a rainbow, Right? When a rainbow arises, Certain amount of water, Certain amount of light in the air. Um, Someone perceiving it with particular, You know, A human where we see in that particular wave spectrum, Light wave spectrum, Right? All of those conditions creating the rainbow. So not saying the rainbow is not there. It arises temporarily and passes away. So does the ego. The problem with the ego isn't so much that it arises and passes away. It's that we believe it is fundamentally who we are. That's the problem. That I believe if someone has hurt me, Has, Has criticized me, Has blamed me, Uh, If I think I've made a fool of myself in some way, I believe the little image of a me, A little Meredith in my mind in the fetal position that's life is over because she said something, Um, Stupid, Incorrect. She embarrassed herself in some way that I believe that more than I believe, Ah, That happened. Yeah. People do, People embarrass themselves all the time. I will, I will continue to. That's part of being human, But, But not carrying that image around all day that every time that image arises, Just, Oh yeah, It's okay. It's okay, Sweetheart. Talk about self-compassion. Yeah. It's okay. That happens. Not happening now. I believing more. Oh, You're here. You're safe. Everything's okay. There's food in the fridge. You've got a roof over your head. You're okay. You're okay. All of the causes and conditions that have allowed you to survive so far. There's no reason that that would not continue. There's no reason that we can discontinue. And so it's being able to pull yourself out of it, To not believe that thought created me more than you believe the reality that here I am sitting here perfectly safe. I'm okay. We spend most of our lives walking around with this little unworthy image that, That isn't getting what it wants, Or someone's getting more than me, That someone's taking advantage of me. Someone doesn't agree with me. How dare other people have different opinions, Vote for someone that I didn't, Wouldn't vote for, Right? We carry this around all day and believe there's this little wounded me when in fact it's just arising through our thoughts, But we're so believing in it. We just can't, You know, We just so believing in it. And our ego is just the master of disguises. We keep getting, It's like whack-a-mole. You kind of catch it. Oh, I've stopped comparing over here or judging over here. And then it pops up with a new disguise. It's like, Caught me again. So, So in this course, And it'll probably be, I think we'll probably be 10 to 12 weeks that we'll be doing this. We're also going to go through some of the kind of key personalities of the ego, The most common ways in which the ego arises so that you catch it when it's happening. So you were kind of saying, Look at it. This is what it's doing. Don't get caught off guard by it. So we'll be starting that on Sunday on Insight Timer. So hopefully some of you can join us for that. And, And of course on the Tuesday Sangha here on Insight Timer, It will still be this format where I'm not coming with a prepared talk. We're just going to, We're going to meditate. We're going to see where the class goes and all of you are contributing to it, Making this, This conversation flow and hopefully that we all benefit and, And awaken and awaken through this shared Sangha, Through our, Because no one's doing this independently. We're all doing this based, It's all interdependent, Interconnected. We're all helping each other. Thank you, Rosa. Thank you so much. Thank you. So with that, I'll say happy Tuesday to all of you. May you, May you all be safe, May you be well, May you know you belong and begin again, Begin again, Begin again, Begin again. Thank you, Sue. Thank you so much. Thank you all so much.

Reviews

many thanks- appreciate you so much as a friend and teacher 🥰♥️🌹🥰♥️🌹🥰♥️🌹🥰♥️🌹🥰

They say things come to you at the right time, and there is reference to a ‘path’ in this talk. I was always meant to discover this session, thank you so much Meredith. I’m looking forward to learning more from you.

I love that you post these!!
Thank you and Namaste💕🙏🏼