Listed Everyone We Hurt, And Became Willing To Make It Right

This is a talk about step 8 of the twelve steps of anonymous programs. It relates to the principle of responsibility or willingness. The step asks you to become willing to make amends to everyone you ever harmed ever. Sounds daunting? The freedom that comes from this is large.
Don't take my word for it. See for yourself.

Disclaimer, I've never kidnapped a dog.

Transcript

Step eight,

We came,

Made a list of all people we'd harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

Making a list,

Checking it twice.

No,

You're checking it more than twice.

You're gonna check it and then your mentor's gonna check it and then you're gonna probably check it a couple more times.

No,

I'm just kidding.

But,

You know,

Check it a few times,

Whatever.

Make sure it's thorough.

Thorough is good.

You know,

There's the idea that you can never write too much step work but you can write too little.

I mean,

If you,

I mean,

If I were working with you and you brought to me 30 pages of a step,

I might not read it all,

But good for you.

Let's get to the heart of the matter here,

Shall we?

Anyways,

So you made a list,

All people you'd harmed.

And,

You know,

If I were to venture a guess,

Probably every person you've ever encountered,

Probably every person you've ever been within five feet of,

You harmed.

Let's just be honest here.

And,

You know,

Like,

This doesn't mean serious harm,

Right?

Like,

You didn't,

You know,

You didn't kidnap their dog.

Obviously,

You didn't do that to everyone.

Maybe just that once,

Twice,

Thrice.

Who is gonna judge you for kidnapping three dogs on three separate occasions?

Not me,

Certainly.

Hopefully,

Not a jury of your peers,

Whatever.

But very probably,

You may have committed,

Like,

Caused some harm to,

Let's say the majority of people.

I mean,

There's no absolutes,

Right?

Like,

You probably didn't harm everyone you met.

I'm,

You know,

Being a little facetious,

Perhaps.

But there's a good chance that if you really examine it,

You cause some harm to most people that you've had,

That have been,

I mean,

I would say,

Like,

Almost certainly for everyone that's,

Like,

Been in your life for an extended period of time.

And most people you probably just saw on the street.

Caused someone to get in traffic.

You,

Like,

Went,

Didn't hold the elevator open.

You know,

Like,

There's all kinds of,

Like,

Minor things.

You just,

Like,

Gave some,

You were mean,

You,

Like,

Gave a dirty look to a clerk.

You,

You know,

Like,

Whatever.

Like,

There's,

Like,

All these,

Like,

Little things that people do when we're triggered or angry or having a bad day that,

You know,

Could be counted.

And yes,

This is nothing.

You know,

A lot of people will say,

Like,

Forget all that stuff.

Death knock does have no consequence.

I would disagree.

I think the spirit of this,

And even the letter of it,

You know,

Says it,

Made a list of all people we harmed.

You know,

Like,

Some of the people,

We don't know who they were.

And,

Like,

We harmed people.

I harmed people that I don't know who they were.

I harmed people that I will have no memory of harming and nor will have any memory of harming.

It'll never come back.

I didn't sleep for a week and no idea what happened.

But we make a list to the best of our ability.

We recall what we can.

You know,

Like,

I was rude to the McDonald's clerk.

I threw my money at them because they didn't give me my order correctly.

Whatever.

You know,

Like,

The people we don't know,

The people we do know,

We write their names down.

McDonald's clerk,

Jimmy,

You know,

Whatever.

And we write it down.

And we,

A really useful idea behind this,

So as not to get trapped in,

And I believe this is why steps eight and nine are separate,

We made the list and became willing.

We're not making amends yet.

We're not even thinking about making amends yet.

And the thinking about making amends part is,

In my opinion,

Critical.

You pretend,

You trick yourself however you can.

I know you've done it before.

You've tricked yourself into some shit.

I mean,

You can do it.

It's just pretend you're not gonna make these amends.

You know what I mean?

Pretend,

Like,

There is no more steps.

Or maybe you just get to write this list,

And this is the day you die,

You know?

Like,

So you won't have to make them.

Doesn't matter.

I mean,

You're lucky,

Because that's it.

I mean,

Really,

That would be a great case scenario,

Because the freedom and the open-heartedness that comes from the willingness of this step,

In my opinion,

Is like a huge gift.

You know,

Like,

If you do this step,

And you become willing to,

Like,

Make amends and take ownership for everything you've ever done that was harmful,

Everything you've ever done,

I think that's,

Like,

A deep spiritual movement.

I think that's,

Like,

A real step towards,

You know,

Like,

Awakening,

Whatever you want to call it.

So if,

You know,

If you did this,

You made this,

And then died,

That would be not the worst timing,

You know?

Because then you didn't have to actually have to make any amends.

So let's pretend that's gonna happen.

Let's pretend you're gonna die,

And that's gonna be great.

Strange,

But,

You know,

Whatever.

If it works,

It works.

If it doesn't,

Please discard it.

If you're,

You know,

Terrified of death,

As I sometimes am,

And you probably shut this off already,

So it's fine,

But.

Anyways,

So you make the list,

You become willing,

Forget about the rest.

And that's the key part,

Right?

Because,

You know,

There's some stuff that's so hard,

Or that feels so daunting.

It's like,

Oh,

Certainly I could never actually talk to this person again.

You know,

Like,

I,

You know,

The first two dogs I kidnapped,

Like,

Whatever,

It wasn't a big deal.

I didn't even seem to like their dogs,

But that third dog,

I knew,

I knew she loved Fluffy with all her heart,

And I stole her,

I kidnapped her dog.

I don't know if I can ever face this.

You know,

I lost her dog,

It's a park,

Whatever.

I don't know if I can ever face this down.

And,

You know,

So that's why you don't think about the next part,

But don't think about the next part.

And this is,

You know,

Like,

This is where the whole idea,

Or thinking,

Or resistance of,

Like,

Why do I need to go back and make amends to these people?

Like,

Who cares,

It's in the past.

Let's just leave the past in the past,

Let sleeping dogs lie.

And that's fine,

You know,

Like,

I would suggest,

Like,

Try to have some compassion towards that resistance,

You know,

Like,

The resistance that has probably served you well up to this point,

The resistance that has kept you safe and from doing,

You know,

Harm to yourself or others in some ways,

And that's okay.

But,

You know,

Like,

You're on this path,

Perhaps,

And this is where it's walking you to,

And hopefully you've got some faith in the process by now and can turn to that.

And just,

You know,

Like,

Try and keep an open mind to see without thinking about making amends,

Just,

Like,

See what it would feel like to become willing,

To be willing,

And,

You know,

Like,

To just say,

Like,

Okay,

Like,

If this person appears in front of me right now,

I can see,

I can see clearly through this inventory what I did,

Where I was at fault,

Where I was unskillful,

Where I was wrong,

Whatever you want to word it,

And I'm willing to take ownership of it,

No matter the cost,

No matter the cost,

No matter the cost.

You know,

Like,

If there's bodies buried,

I become willing to take responsibility,

Legit.

If there's pending charges,

If the statute of limitations has not yet been exceeded,

I'm willing to take responsibility.

You know what I'm saying?

Like,

For real,

Willing.

And just open your mind and heart to seeing what that could be like.

And that's kind of all that's being asked here.

Like I said,

We're not doing amends yet.

We're just seeing what this might be like to be open to it.

And,

You know,

Like,

There's a lot to be said here about,

Like,

Willingness and intention and motive,

You know,

Like,

You know,

Like,

We become willing to make these amends,

But all the while,

Like,

Considering,

Like,

You know,

Like,

For me,

Like,

There's some amends that I was,

Like,

Really willing to make very quickly.

And,

Like,

Upon examination,

I can be like,

Oh,

Like,

Well,

Like,

I really want this person to not think I'm an asshole.

I really want this,

I really want to be held in high regard by this person again.

You know,

Like,

Maybe a girl I mistreated,

I want her to see,

Like,

Oh,

Look,

I'm an upstanding man now.

I don't abuse women anymore.

I don't treat them like objects.

So I really want to be seen,

You know,

I want her to remember me,

Whatever,

You know,

Or things like this,

You know,

And these are important motivations to weed out,

You know,

Because often,

They can lead to getting slapped in the face or just having a bad outcome wealth-wise,

You know,

When we eventually do make amends.

But the more important part,

Because,

I mean,

Like,

A slap in the face is annoying,

But,

Like,

The more important part is we don't want to short-circuit our awakening.

At least I don't.

I believe that you don't,

So I say we,

Like,

Imagine you want the real article,

Right?

And so,

Like,

To check these motives and to make sure that they're in the right place is,

You know,

Is important.

It's important.

And,

You know,

Like,

Then some other,

You know,

Like,

Other amends for me,

Like,

There was some financial amends that I sure as shit,

I'm like,

I don't want to make this at all,

Like,

And I am,

Like,

Unwilling,

And,

You know,

All these sorts of things,

And I had to,

Like,

Look into that and why that was.

And some of it was,

Like,

You know,

There was some real stuff.

I was like,

Oh,

Like,

I can't possibly,

In my life,

Like,

I've been a student,

Like a university student for some time and a very low income of,

Like,

Student loans and things.

So,

Like,

How am I going to make these amends?

And the real truth was that,

Well,

I can't yet because,

Like,

You know,

I'm dipping a little bit into nine here,

But,

Like,

We don't make amends that are going to hurt us.

So if I,

Like,

Go pay this money back and can't pay my rent,

That's not good,

Right?

So there's,

You know,

So sorting out some of these things is,

That's a lot of the part of step nine,

But it's not horrible to tune into as we do this step eight,

You know,

Like,

Just because it can offer us some insight when we are making our list.

Like,

Oh,

Man,

I'm really excited about this one.

I'm scared of this one.

And,

You know,

Like,

I did,

You know,

Like,

Of course,

I stand by what I said about,

Like,

Just pretending we're not going to do step nine,

We're going to die after this list,

Whatever.

But there's also something to be said about,

Honestly,

Acknowledging that we become willing,

Or willing,

Willing,

Willing,

To make all these amends to every person we ever hurt.

Every person,

Institution,

Organization,

We ever caused harm to,

We became willing.

But that doesn't mean we're going to have to make amends to all.

And that should be just,

You know,

And that might be useful to think of here,

Because it often does,

It can be helpful,

Can be helpful.

You know,

Going back to the whole idea of,

Like,

Yeah,

Like,

Every relationship,

We probably caused some harm and so forth.

And,

You know,

Like,

There's lots of relationships in our lives that,

At least in my life,

I'm going to assume yours,

Because it seems like it's pretty ubiquitous,

And that great harm,

Or medium harm,

Or light harm was done to me by a person.

You know,

And that can obviously be a barrier to willing to make amends.

You know,

Like,

Yeah,

There's been lots of great harms done to me,

As I'm sure there has to you.

And it can be blinding.

You know,

It can be blinding,

And even limit one's ability to recognize our part.

You know,

Like,

If someone,

Like,

A caretaker,

Maybe,

Or a relative,

Like,

Abused you in some way over a long period of time,

Over and over again,

It can be really hard to acknowledge that,

Like,

You were also very passive-aggressive to them on a regular basis.

Because,

Like,

You know,

Like,

Something like this,

Right?

And,

Like,

Because,

Like,

Maybe they were doing such outrageous things to you,

It's,

Like,

Really easy to overlook that,

Like,

Yeah,

Like,

I was taking shots at them.

You know what I mean?

Like,

Yeah,

I was saying some snarky shit here and there,

Because what they have done just,

It seems so,

Like,

Not even comparable.

And there's,

You know,

There's lots of situations where that's very true,

That the harm you caused was dwarfed by what has been done to you,

No doubt.

No doubt.

But,

I mean,

What the point of this step is,

This is your inventory.

Right?

Like,

This is,

We're looking at us.

We're turning inward here.

And I just want to say that all that shit that was done to you is real.

The harm was real.

I believe you.

Like,

I haven't heard you,

But I believe you.

You know what I mean?

Like,

That shit happened.

And,

You know,

I didn't know that for me.

Like,

Shit happened to me that I didn't believe,

Like,

That I didn't know was real.

You know,

Like,

People mistreated me and I was gaslit.

So I was like,

I don't know what the fuck is happening.

I don't even know what's real.

You know,

So I just want to say that to you.

Like,

It's real.

I believe you.

You know,

Like,

And I'm only responsible for my part.

I got no responsibility on that side of the street.

You know what I mean?

Like,

All I can do is,

Like,

Take care of my own inner world you know,

And set boundaries,

Obviously,

Right?

Like,

With people that have harmed me over and over,

I can limit how much they under in my life or in my life at all.

That's what I can do in that way.

But elsewise,

I can still take responsibility for my part because it's not about,

Like,

Giving them any kind of,

Like,

Apology or whatever,

Right?

Like,

This stuff is all about,

Like,

Cleaning out the hate in my heart.

You know what I mean?

Like,

Holding on to resentments feels so bad.

You know what I mean?

Like,

Holding on to,

Like,

Yeah,

But,

Like,

I'll never be willing to,

Like,

Make amends because they did this,

You know?

Like,

Who's that hurting?

Not the other person.

I mean,

Unless you're,

Like,

Actively,

Like,

Fucking doing stuff to them,

You know?

Like,

If you're,

Like,

Running around knifing their tires or,

Like,

Sending them,

Like,

Gnarly,

Like,

Letters,

You know,

Like,

Mail with,

Like,

Letters cut out of magazines and,

Like,

Crazy shit to freak them out.

You know,

Like,

If you're doing that kind of stuff,

Then yeah,

You're definitely fucking them.

But,

Like,

Probably,

Probably there's,

Like,

Any resentments and unwillingness to make,

Like,

Take care of your own side of the street is just hurting you.

I don't know if that's the case for me,

You know?

Like,

Some of the stuff,

Like,

I was,

You know,

With Dad,

I was,

I was waiting for some fucking amends from him.

I was like,

Man,

Like,

When are you gonna say some stuff about this?

When are you gonna say this shit?

And I was mad for,

Like,

A few years,

You know?

Like,

I was like,

You know,

I'm not gonna tell my dad's story here,

You know,

But I was,

I was anticipating some amends because of the situations of,

You know,

Both of our lives at the time.

And I was like,

Where are these fucking amends at,

Dude?

And I was unwilling,

But,

You know,

Like,

Then I became willing to do my own stuff and let go of any need to be acknowledged,

Forgiven,

Or sorry,

Acknowledged,

Or an apology.

And then I went and made my amends,

And,

You know,

At the same time,

I got some back.

That's,

You know,

Like,

That's not always the way it works.

Some people will never say,

Or admit,

Or acknowledge.

I got,

You know,

I was lucky in that case.

Some people will,

You know,

Like,

Just not.

And that needs to be okay with me,

You know?

That needs to be okay.

So,

In conclusion,

Yeah,

This is a step all about willingness,

Responsibility.

You know,

Like,

Willing to own my shit,

Regardless of what the other person did,

Or hasn't done,

Or will do,

Or won't do.

And it's about,

It's not about them,

You know?

It's about me getting free.

This whole thing is about me getting free.

For me,

The steps are processed to being just as free as I can be,

You know?

And I know if I do them openheartedly,

To just to the best of my ability,

You know?

I don't have to do it perfect,

Or some kind of superhero level stuff.

I just do the best I can with it.

And it's gonna get me freedom,

And more freedom,

You know?

Who doesn't want that?

Who doesn't want that?

I know this step eight and nine process can be a heavy place,

And I know something that works for me a lot when I'm digging into this stuff can be forgiveness meditations.

If you are or aren't familiar with that,

That's a thought.

There's lots available all over the place.

So,

May you be willing,

And may you reap the rewards of it.

Reviews

Thanks for sharing your experience. It gave me the opportunity to reflect in new ways on this valuable topic I'm exploring for myself atm, whilst navigating to become more free internally 🙏🏼