A Searching And Fearless Inventory Of You
This talk is on step 4 of the twelve steps pioneered by A.A. The step is "We made a fearless and searching moral inventory of ourselves". Very often this is the step that gets people nervous and starts itching to run. This talk is about how this step is a loving gift and an act of self-compassion.
Transcript
Step 4 of 12,
Of the steps pioneered by Alcoholics Anonymous,
Way back when,
And adopted by many other 12-step groups since.
Step 4 says that we made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Which is a real twist and turn for some of us,
Because I know I myself was great at taking the inventory of other people and deciding what was wrong with you,
And what you were doing incorrectly,
And how I could improve your life,
Etc.
Etc.
This is of course a hallmark of codependency,
Being other-focused.
So,
Taking an inventory of my own self,
Pretty radical.
The principle that I'm honing in on is responsibility,
And the question about this step is who am I?
First,
I'll dissect some of the language,
The old language of the step of searching and fearless moral inventory.
Of course,
Noting that we made,
As with all the steps,
It's a we process.
And especially when you get to step 4,
It's important to have a guide at this point.
Someone who can help you through this process,
Because it can be very deep and challenging and triggering.
You're digging into the entirety of yourself.
You're a whole,
Exhausted list of the things you've done,
The things you are and aren't,
The good and the bad and the in-between.
So,
Really having a mentor at this point is really strongly suggested and advised,
Whoever that may be.
The ideal is someone that's been through this process before,
So they know what it's about and they have experience with it.
So,
That said,
The moral part is often the part that people can get hung up on with this step,
I find.
You know,
There's a lot of moralizing that goes on in the world in general,
But can in relation to 12-step recovery.
You must this.
You must believe in the Sky Daddy,
Whatever,
You know.
But you mustn't.
You mustn't.
That's not required.
But,
You know,
What is in the step is,
Yeah,
Taking a look at oneself.
And whether you like the word moral or you just want to say,
You're searching in fearless and thorough.
Those are the key markers.
You know,
The moral part,
I think,
Relates just to like the things,
The actions we've taken.
You know,
Really,
You could just say it's like a behavioral inventory.
That would be,
I think,
A little easier to reconcile,
Right?
Because,
You know,
It takes away from some of that like kind of like,
You know,
Sort of like wrathful,
Brimstone-y kind of feeling and language,
Yes.
And,
Because this isn't about judgment.
This isn't about judgment.
And,
You know,
Like it's ironic because a lot of people think that it is.
And there's a lot of people that,
A lot of people that are uninitiated and not understanding what this step is about,
That don't stop to take inventory of the good that they've done and the positive things about themselves.
They just use it as an exercise of self-abuse and it's not what it's intended for.
So,
As I said,
The searching and fearless part,
You know,
That's the critical part.
You know,
And it's really,
You know,
Like I've said in the previous talks,
But this step is really important to not look past and not plan beyond.
You know,
Like if you can get yourself in the headspace of tricking yourself into just forgetting that there's anything that comes next,
That can be beneficial.
You know,
Because if you start writing with in mind that something needs to happen afterwards,
You might sell yourself short.
You know,
Just like you might sell yourself short with the level of honesty you can reach.
And you know,
I found myself,
It's really important to rely on a higher power of my understanding to get myself,
You know,
Like to motivate myself to be fully self-disclosing,
Fully honest with myself.
Really take a look at the whole picture,
Not leave anything out,
Not leave anything out that's inconvenient.
Or,
You know,
Perhaps,
You know,
Perhaps you're working on like a really potent addiction,
But you just like really don't want to consider certain areas.
Like maybe you have some secondary addictions going on,
And you're just like really not wanting to look at that stuff right now.
You know,
I'm not your dad.
I'm not going to tell you what to do.
But I'm going to suggest that the more fearless and thorough that you are in this inventory,
The more benefit you'll gain from it.
Because if you leave areas unexamined,
If your closet is not cleaned out,
So to speak,
The monsters in there will grow and grow and grow.
But if you shine the light in there,
Shine it in the dark,
In every dark corner,
You'll realize that the monsters weren't there to begin with.
So,
You know,
There's some,
You know,
The different organizations have different,
You know,
Formats and structures to this step,
You know.
And they're all very valuable and useful.
And,
You know,
Like some of the key stuff has been like inventory of,
You know,
Fears,
Sexual conduct,
Resentments,
Things like this.
You know,
Like all the harms we've caused to people.
Perhaps we've stolen,
You know,
Lied,
Cheated,
All the things,
You know,
All the things that we've done that could have caused harm.
And,
You know,
The idea,
And a skillful guide will be able to help you with this,
You know,
Because one might ask,
Like,
What is the point of this self-abusive exercise?
Like,
Why would I want to do this to myself?
It's going to be so painful.
And yeah,
It is going to be difficult.
This isn't easy stuff.
But the idea behind this is that,
Like,
When going through all these behaviors and patterns and things of the past,
Patterns start to emerge.
Patterns start to emerge of the underlying habits,
You know,
Our underlying personality quirks and traits and habits and tendencies and dispositions.
These things start to emerge and become clear.
And it's that clarity and that insight and understanding that,
You know,
Will be used later to help us get even more freedom.
So I can tell you when I first did my,
You know,
First rough fourth step that I actually shared with someone,
I was in treatment.
And basically,
Like,
I didn't really do it,
You know,
Like the quote unquote right way.
I just did,
Like,
I just listed all the things that I had done that I thought were,
Like,
Too horrible for myself to ever be accepted into humanity again.
You know,
Just the things that I thought,
Like,
I couldn't be forgiven for.
And that made me a monster.
I basically wrote out all that stuff.
And I shared it with with a counselor at the treatment center I was in.
And when I did share with him,
You know,
Him being a person in recovery himself,
You know,
He didn't bat an eyelash.
I mean,
Like,
I don't want to say he was,
Like,
Bored listening to it because,
You know,
He was engaged and he cared about me and stuff.
But,
Like,
He wasn't he certainly wasn't shocked or appalled by anything I told him.
It was all just like,
Oh,
Yeah.
Like,
Yeah,
I've got some stuff like that.
And the power of that experience alone.
And this is,
Again,
Like,
I didn't even really do a full,
You know,
Like full thing.
I just kind of did like the quick pain version.
Right.
But the experience was so profoundly connecting.
You know,
Like it was then where I really thought like,
Oh,
I'm started to believe again,
Like,
Oh,
I can be part of this society,
This culture,
This humanity.
You know,
There's just such a relief that came with it.
Just such a relief that came with it.
It's there's like a real clear point of like before and after,
You know,
Like there's there's a real divide in life for me.
And,
You know,
There's been others since,
But that was a real a real major one.
And I followed it up by doing a more thorough one.
Like after that was because that was all the stuff that like those were all the things that I thought.
All the things that I would have wanted to hide,
You know,
Like that was all like the real like the real core stuff that I wanted to hide.
You know,
I finished and did the rest of the stuff.
But after that,
It was like the rest of it was it was pretty easy because I thought those were the things that would get me rejected from humanity.
But,
You know,
And some of these patterns started to emerge,
You know,
Like I really started to see that in that version of my step four,
So much of my suffering and so much of my resentment came from not using my voice.
You know,
I accepted poor treatment from people and I didn't speak up and tell them I didn't want to be treated that way.
I hung around with people that were unkind to me and abusive to me and played mind games with me.
I kept going back to the same woman that,
You know,
And believe me,
I had a part in this relationship dysfunction.
But this woman that,
You know,
Was like cheating on me and sleeping with my friends and playing all kinds of mind games.
You know,
I just like subjected myself to all sorts of abuse,
You know,
And I just didn't speak up.
I didn't speak up for myself.
And that was like a huge pattern that emerged for me,
You know,
All through all through my first fourth step.
And that was a powerful insight,
You know,
It was powerful insight into starting to see like,
Oh,
Bro,
Like,
You know,
My self esteem is like really weak,
You know,
Like I really have,
I don't believe in myself,
You know,
Like it really just highlighted some of these things.
And I was able to start sitting with them and doing a little bit of grieving,
Like honoring of,
You know,
Like letting go,
Which is a long process in itself.
You know,
It's not just a,
I won't sit here and tell you that I did this step.
And then,
Like,
Everything was completely different after that,
Like,
No,
Everything was different.
But like,
There was still a lot of challenge and a lot of,
You know,
Work to be done.
So as I said at the beginning,
You know,
The question of who am I and the principle of responsibility,
Probably seeming pretty evident at this point.
But that's the basis of this step is taking responsibility for who and what I am.
And not only taking responsibility for it,
But as I've kind of mentioned,
It's the who I am part is like,
This is like a really big process of self discovery.
You know,
Like I've heard it said that step four is the most loving and generous thing you can do for yourself.
And of course,
You know,
At this point,
I believe that,
You know,
Like I believe or believe,
You know,
I believe the idea,
Right?
Like,
I don't know if it's the most generous thing you could ever do for yourself.
I mean,
Like,
I think buying myself a yacht would be pretty,
Pretty darn generous,
You know,
But it's not here nor there.
But it is an incredibly generous act for myself,
You know,
To do this step.
And,
You know,
All the subsequent ones I've done since,
You know,
They've been profound in healing as well.
And I've gotten to see like who I am.
And it's,
You know,
It's actually okay.
You know,
Like I really understand now through like a lot of process and recovery that like everyone has stuff that they wouldn't want to tell anyone.
You know,
Like we've all got things we're guilty about.
We've heard other people act in ways we're not proud of.
And we've all got things that we are really proud of.
And we are really great in certain ways.
And we have really potent attributes and virtues.
You know,
The interesting thing is like for people,
Especially people that have had like a,
You know,
Like a lot of addiction stuff,
Is that like sometimes looking at the positive attributes can be a lot harder.
You know,
It can be a lot harder to see the things that are great about ourselves.
But man,
It's a gift,
You know.
And in this culture,
I think there's a lot of,
You know,
False humility kind of thing.
It's like,
Oh,
Look,
We can't talk about.
And like as soon as you say that you're good at something,
It's like,
Oh,
This person's a braggart.
This is an arrogant person.
It's like,
No,
That's not the case.
It's all about how you do it.
You know,
Like if you're up there on a stage saying,
I am the best in things and I am the greatest.
You know,
Like with this attitude of pompousness.
Well,
That's pretty clear indicator.
But to just say like for myself,
You know,
Like I was a martial artist for some time and I was good at it.
I was a good kickboxer.
You know,
I can own my attribute of generosity.
That's actually one of my strongest virtues is I'm a generous person.
I have a generous nature.
And,
You know,
Like the way I use this or rather don't use these things.
You know,
I don't use them in a way that's to like aggrandize myself or pump my own tires.
It's just like I can talk about it if it's relevant.
So I'm not out there going telling everyone about how generous I am.
But,
You know,
If there's a situation that calls for it,
I can talk about it.
And,
You know,
That's my understanding of real humility.
Being able to,
You know,
See the good and the bad about oneself and just own it.
You know,
Just to know it.
And,
You know,
I've already said about how challenging this process can be and how difficult it can be.
But I'll reiterate it that,
You know,
I hope if you are engaging in this,
You have a guide or at least a support network that you can lean on.
Because,
You know,
There's so much trauma in the world and in our bodies and in our minds.
And this process can dig them up.
You know,
There's actually people that really think that doing inventories like this can be really harmful.
And I can't say that that,
You know,
I can't confidently say that that's totally false.
You know,
Like I think it could be.
You know,
I think it could be.
That is possible.
You know,
Like that said,
I really believe in this process and the healing power of it.
But it's just,
Yeah,
It's just so important to be supported through it.
You know,
Because all kinds of wild stuff can come up.
All kinds of wild feelings that you might have not felt.
You know,
If you start digging around in your childhood,
Stuff's going to come up very possibly.
But what you'll be left with is a whole bunch of room.
Room for new stuff,
Room for new ideas,
New things to look at in yourself,
In the world,
New perspectives.
So I think I've sold the step well enough at this point.
If you're going to do it,
There's many,
Many step-working guides out there from different recovery fellowships.
There's no shortage of guides.
And there's also just like,
I mean,
Before there was any of those things,
People were just like,
People were just doing it out of their mind.
You know,
They were just like,
Hey,
We'll like write down everything.
You know,
So if you're going to do it that way,
Yeah,
Just start to consider things,
Like I said,
Resentments.
Things you're afraid of.
Your sexual conduct.
You know,
The things,
The ways you've hurt people.
Ways you've taken advantage.
Ways you've slacked off.
Consider different areas of your life.
You know,
Consider all areas of your life.
You know,
You can parse it up into sections like early childhood,
Adolescence,
Teenage,
Etc.
You know,
You can parse it up into sections of your life.
You know,
Family,
Friends,
Work,
Finances,
You know,
Romantic relationships.
What's your relationship with the government like?
You know,
Do you have resentments there?
Like thinking about institutions.
How do you feel towards the schools you went to?
Really dig into all areas.
That's the thing.
Nothing is unimportant,
You know.
You'd be really surprised how,
You know,
Just thinking about like your university and some stuff that just seems really innocuous,
But can be actually like a really strong indicator of some underlying fears or biases.
And of course,
You know,
Seeing as it's an addictions recovery program at heart,
You know,
That's the key to hone in on it.
Is to,
You know,
Like when I was using this,
How did I cause,
You know,
What effects did it cause,
You know.
I tend now to go from that really like sweeping broad lens.
But you know,
If this is your first go around,
You know,
It's really important to really root that stuff out.
Especially if you're really trying to get free of an addiction.
You know,
To really look at all the consequences of that behavior.
You know,
Like for me when I was using meth,
I was assaulting people.
I was going to jail.
I was stealing more than I can even explain.
I was treating myself like I was just neglecting myself and others,
People that cared about me.
You know,
I was just so unreliable.
So unreliable.
You know,
So these things are important to look at.
But not exclusively.
No,
Not exclusively.
So Stephen Covey separates the word responsibility into response-ability.
And you know this process of investigation and awareness is like the foundation for being able to make responsible choices.
Rather than just acting from our old default modes of being.
As always,
Don't take my word for this.
See for yourself.
Check it out.
Try it.
See if it works for you.
Alright.
May you be well.
