A Higher Power Of Your Understanding

this is a talk on step two of the twelve steps pioneered by AA. The step says "We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." the talk considers the two key ideas. first a higher power of one's own choosing and second the question of insanity.

Transcript

Step 2 of 12 of the steps pioneered by AA and adopted by many 12-step fellowships around the world,

None of which I will claim any association with whatsoever.

Step 2 says we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

And so there's,

You know,

There's some stuff in there.

This is where we get into the God stuff of the 12 steps and often people get hung up and on screening for the hills.

And you know,

Rightly so.

Like a lot of people have religious trauma and,

You know,

In fairness there's been a lot of really horrible atrocities committed in the name of God.

There's so many things.

The Crusades,

The residential schools,

Holy wars,

Jihads,

You know,

All these things performed by confused people in the name of,

You know,

What is,

As far as I can understand it,

In every conception,

A loving God.

You know,

I suspect very much if if any of these deities came down and spoke to the people,

You know,

If they existed,

They would be,

They'd have some words.

And you know,

People are missing the message.

People are missing the message.

So I mean,

Setting that aside,

Setting aside the God thing and just considering that a higher power could be anything.

It doesn't have to be capital G-O-D.

It doesn't have to be that.

I know for myself I really struggled with that.

You know,

I struggled with that for some of the reasons I noted.

I'm also like,

I was an atheist.

I was like,

I prided myself on my thinking.

No,

I'm too smart for that nonsense of sky daddies and things of this nature.

And so I struggled with that stuff.

You know,

I grafted,

I tried various things.

I grafted on different people's ideas to make the higher power thing work for me.

I did some gymnastics mentally to make it work.

You know,

This talk,

My hope is that perhaps I can prevent you some of that.

You know,

You can get right to finding something that works for you.

I know it was an important part of the process for me,

Though.

Just trying on different spiritual hats.

But the important part is cutting through that belief that it does have to be someone else's,

That it has to be some conception that's already there.

You know,

Some of the things that really make sense to me now are things like karma.

And karma is often misunderstood,

But like,

The essence of karma,

And to save getting in any arguments about this,

The essence of karma,

As I understand it,

Is cause and effect.

You know,

It's not like,

Oh,

I do a bad thing and then later I get hit by a lightning bolt.

No.

It's,

If I lie,

I have karmic results.

Like,

I feel uneasy or people don't trust me.

You know,

Just direct cause and effect.

So this,

To me,

Can be a higher power because it can be more powerful than just my own wheedling and trying to make things go in my way.

If I just trust that,

If I take wholesome actions,

That is to the maximum benefit because the results will be also in line with that.

I can trust that.

And that's not to say that as long as I do the right things,

All good things are gonna happen to me.

That's never gonna be the case.

Because there's a whole bunch of stuff outside of my karmic consequences.

And that's a whole conversation that we don't need to travel down.

But the higher power of mindfulness can be really beneficial,

I think.

You know,

Because when I pay attention,

Possibilities open up.

You know,

One person,

Dr.

Pat Carnes,

Says that the principle behind step two is awareness.

You know,

Often it's said that it's hope.

Because,

You know,

You have a hope for a better future,

A hope that things can change,

A hope for freedom from insanity.

But I've been thinking about this awareness idea,

And I think that really it speaks to the truth of like opening up to the possibilities of the world.

You know,

Because that's what this step does.

It opens me up to perhaps a new way of being.

You know,

If I've been in patterns of drug-taking,

Or trying to control people,

Or binging and purging,

Trying to chisel the perfect body,

You know,

Relentlessly.

You know,

Any of these kind of obsessive processes or,

You know,

Drug addictions.

My awareness becomes very narrow in these situations.

You know,

It's like I start to find,

It's like that phrase where,

If the only tool you have is a hammer,

Then every problem becomes a nail.

And it's like that,

Especially when I was doing drugs.

You know,

I just did drugs in every situation.

It's just like,

Happy drugs,

Sad drugs,

Mad drugs,

You know,

Like tired drugs,

Right?

Like,

It's just.

.

.

And,

You know,

I eventually started to apply that to like controlling people and training,

You know,

Like my fitness training.

It's just like,

As long as I can just like put my mind into like bench pressing or doing burpees,

Whatever,

That I felt in control.

So this principle of awareness,

It opens me up to different things,

To different potentials,

You know,

To perhaps like these powers that I've been talking about,

You know,

The power of mindfulness or a creator God,

Whatever you can fit into there.

But,

You know,

The only limit is the ones that.

.

.

The only limits are the ones we place on ourselves,

As far as a higher power.

As long as it's something that can,

You believe,

Can move you towards the goals you hope to achieve,

That's what matters.

You know,

A lot of people use a group of people,

You know.

Our GOD often has been said,

A group of drunks or a group of druggies.

Good orderly direction.

So it can be principles.

It can be,

You know,

It can be the principle of love,

You know,

The principle of kindness.

I think love and kindness can be a power greater than myself,

You know,

If I.

.

.

Because it's something I can check myself against and then if I just let it guide me.

Because love and kindness exists within me and all of us.

But also all these other things do as well,

Right?

And on any given moment,

My mind can take me in any directions,

Right?

So it's left to what I believe is my own power.

There's all these other things mixed in.

But if I were to use something like this as my North Star,

It's like,

Okay,

What would love do in this situation?

What would be the next loving act?

And,

You know,

Of course it can get kind of convoluted.

Codependency can come into this quite easily,

Right?

You can lose track.

And I think that a truly loving act isn't one that will also be at the detriment of myself.

You know,

So there's no giving and giving and giving until I'm,

You know,

Naked and broken is not true love,

True love and kindness,

As far as I understand it,

You know.

You know,

There's that saying that's like,

If someone steals your jacket,

Give them your shirt.

And that's like a very,

You know,

Righteous sounding ideal,

But then I'm naked in the street,

Right?

And so I think that's not a true expression of love.

Like,

I think the true expression of love is,

Yeah,

Sure,

Let them have my jacket,

And then,

You know,

Like,

Be at peace with that,

Right?

And just make peace with it.

And then,

You know,

Like,

Move on my way.

So we can get past the higher power hurdle,

And that's amazing already,

Because it gets,

It allows us to do the work,

To move into the process of the rest of the steps.

And it's a vital one,

You know,

It's vital to be able to have faith in this.

That's why it's so important to have a personal one,

Personal higher power.

Well,

Maybe personal is the wrong word,

But a higher power of your own understanding.

You know,

Someone once said that the steps will work in spite of the person working them.

So I think,

Like,

That means even if a person doesn't really believe,

The steps will still work if you work them.

I think that's true to a point,

But I think having a strong belief in the process,

In the higher power,

I mean,

The higher power could be the steps themselves,

If you really believe and buy into this process.

But that belief strengthens it,

I believe.

The other part that people often come up,

Have a point of contention with,

Is the insanity bit.

We call it insane,

As one of my favorite mentors has said.

And,

Well,

I mean,

You know,

A lot of people really are doing some insane stuff.

Really,

If you think about,

You know,

The,

Take away the pejorative,

You know,

The insulting nature of that word insanity,

And consider,

Like,

You know,

I know my drug use was insane,

Right?

Like I said,

I use drugs in any situation,

Right?

Like,

Regardless,

I was just,

Like,

Drugs were the answer.

And I wasn't getting,

Like,

I definitely wasn't getting the result I was looking for anymore.

You know,

Like,

When I,

My drug use ended me up overdosed in the hospital on the,

On the regular,

You know?

Like,

I just,

And that's not what I was gunning at,

But I knew that was coming.

Like,

I knew I couldn't avoid it eventually.

Like,

To the words at the end of my using,

I couldn't avoid that.

I knew it was coming,

I just didn't know when it was coming.

And so I still went down that road.

I mean,

Like,

That's,

You know,

Pretty insane.

You know,

Tell me the person that,

That works 100 hours a week,

Or 80 hours a week,

Or,

Or even just works a normal amount,

But then comes home and is obsessed about work and what's going on at the office.

You know,

Tell me that's not a little bit insane.

You know,

And I mentioned that because it's a,

You know,

Working,

Things like this,

Are,

Are socially acceptable.

You know,

I'll use the word addictions.

You don't have to get attached to that,

But they're socially acceptable addictions.

And so are often overlooked,

You know,

Like,

But,

You know,

I knew a guy and,

And he,

You know,

He had all the rest of his addictions.

They were all at bay.

They were all at eased.

He had relief from them,

But he couldn't get his work life sorted out.

And he,

He,

He completed suicide because of it,

Because it was so bad.

And I think that's not,

You know,

I hear,

I don't think that's uncommon,

You know,

That it drives people really,

Really to some dark places.

So anyways,

That,

That insanity of doing the same thing and hoping for something different,

You know,

Whether you like the word insanity or not,

I think we can agree that this is some unskillful behavior to do these things over and over again,

Hoping for something else.

You know,

Another question that's useful to consider with step two is what is real?

If the principle is awareness,

Then the question being what is real?

And so this really ties into,

Like,

The belief in a higher power of my own understanding,

Because,

Like,

For some people,

You know,

The beautiful loving sky daddy is real,

And that's wonderful.

But if it's not for you,

Then what is?

Is nature,

Is the power of nature real?

Is the power of,

You know,

Your,

The Great Spirit?

I don't know what,

You know,

Like,

I could just throw out examples,

But what is real?

And what is real in this world?

What is real in the world as it relates to my addiction or my,

My issue that I'm trying to release?

You know,

What I found is that the reality was that,

Like,

I,

I don't think that I could have just stopped doing what I was doing in any of the situations,

In any of the examples I've given,

Without finding a power that could support me.

You know,

Like,

A helpful,

Positive strength that could support me.

And,

You know,

Like,

The,

You know,

There's some debate about,

Like,

Whether it has to come outside of oneself or can be something within.

I won't get into that,

But I had to find something that I believed could,

Could help me get out.

You know,

Because there was times when I just,

Like,

Tried to set my will,

And I was like,

Okay,

Well,

Like,

I'm just,

I'm not gonna do this,

You know,

And then I would,

Not for a while,

And then I would end up doing it again.

And,

And I think that's something to do with that space needs to be filled with something.

And,

You know,

Often people fill it with a new addiction or a lesser addiction,

You know,

Addiction switching,

You know,

Going from drugs to maybe just smoking cigarettes to maybe just overeating,

Maybe just compulsively working out,

Whatever.

But there's an alternative to fill it with,

Maybe,

A program or a power that's just generative,

That's just helpful.

You know,

So like I said about the stuff that's real,

To me,

I believe that,

You know,

The cause and effect is real.

I can believe in that.

You know,

I've said this example a few times,

But please don't get it,

You know,

Take it for what it is.

That's just an example of how I see things.

I don't want you or need you to think that.

I just,

That's my example.

So whatever is real for you is important.

And the thing that's also helped,

Been helpful for me is acting as if,

You know,

There's a saying that's fake until you make it,

And I,

I think I did more than my share of faking it all through my life,

So I don't need that in my life anymore.

But,

But reframing that to acting as if,

You know,

Acting as if I believe.

So if I find a higher power that maybe will work for me,

I can at least act as if that's the truth,

And that can carry me forward into doing the rest of this work.

You know that,

Even if I just open my mind a little bit to say like,

Maybe this is possible.

Maybe change is possible.

Maybe these steps can work for me.

You know,

I'm listening to this dude talk about it right now,

And clearly it's,

Well,

Maybe not clearly,

Maybe I sound like a lunatic,

But maybe it's worked for him,

And if I just believe that it has,

As he's suggesting it has,

Then maybe it could work for me as well.

He's a person.

I'm a person.

This is a person thing.

So if I act as if,

And then take the action,

That,

That was really important.

You know,

And that's how using a higher power that was of someone else's understanding still benefited me,

You know,

Because I didn't know what I was looking for,

But until I did,

I was still able to make progress,

Even just as,

You know,

Talking to a God that I wasn't really sure was there,

You know,

Praying,

Praying to a God that I hoped and wanted to be there,

But I didn't really have faith in.

It's still just the power of those intentions and that practice propelled me forward into,

Into,

Into healing,

Into recovery.

You know,

Some of the,

Some of the questions that,

You know,

Have been helpful as well,

That are just like,

Kind of step two general practice,

There are things like,

What is my current understanding of God?

Maybe there was some religious trauma for you,

As there has been for many people.

Maybe there was a God,

You know,

Forced on you by your parents.

That was another question,

What was told to you by your parents?

And you know,

Often in our relationship with our parents is what shapes our view of God,

You know,

Because it was where,

When we're infants and toddlers and children,

Our parents essentially are God,

Right?

They have all the power.

And so if our parents are,

You know,

When our parents are unskillful,

Because they always will be,

Because they're human at some point,

You know,

Then we can extrapolate this to say that the higher power is like this too.

The higher power is unreliable.

A higher power can be scary.

And if you were to choose a higher power for yourself,

What would it be like?

What characteristics would it have?

Maybe these are some things that can get you thinking and help you on your way to finding a power.

You know,

For some people this is really easy and that's really great,

But for some people,

You know,

This second step and the following third step can be some of the hardest,

Just because of this,

Because of so much,

Because of past history.

And so for me,

It's one that's really important to talk about,

And I feel really strongly about it,

Because it's important and it matters,

You know,

Like I think it matters,

Like,

Because some people will just say like,

Oh,

Just like,

You know,

Believe in God and you're fine and just move on.

This isn't,

Like,

People just say this step is,

It's like a five-second issue,

But for those of us with these hang-ups and these pains,

These hurts,

It's not easy.

You know,

It's like,

It's taken me many,

Many days of work to sort out what works for me in this area.

A lot of trial and,

You know,

Sadness and hurt and frustration around it.

So if that's been the case for you,

Then I empathize.

I empathize.

And so may you find a power greater than yourself to propel you forward in this process and may you be well.

Reviews

Really great talk on HP. As an atheist, I struggle with the concept. Some great thoughts on that here. Thank you

This was a great thought provoking conversation on step 2 . Thanks

Thank you Jonathon.
I apprciate your perspective and value authentic sharing. Thank you for your goodwill towards humanity and the earth. I trust that we at our core believe in something. Unbelief in itself is a belief. When I admit in step 1 my powerlessness over my addiction and the unmanagability of my life a posture of humility allows room for something other than myself. Thank you for your work with step two. I had lots of thoughts and dialouge with your content.

Loving goodwill to you.

James