How to manage patterns with your partner?
So we all have patterns.
We're conditioned into different patterns by our parents,
By society.
And so,
Of course,
These patterns are going to come up in the context of relationship.
And when they do,
It's going to feel uncomfortable.
We're going to most likely misunderstand each other.
We're going to most likely get into arguments and conflicts.
And it doesn't have to be this way.
We can actually really find a way to manage patterns consciously and optimally.
That doesn't mean it's going to be perfect.
Don't expect yourself to go from having frequent,
Mild misunderstandings and conflict to having no conflict tomorrow.
Or from having big screaming fights to having no conflict tomorrow.
And that's not a metric that we're suggesting that you judge yourself by.
We're not even suggesting you set any expectations.
And patterns can be very apparent to us in our relationship,
Meaning we can see our partner's patterns a lot.
Sometimes more than they see it.
And we might want to share with them about their patterns and they might not want to hear it.
They might not want to change.
They might not want to be that vulnerable.
And in fact,
You might not even be being that vulnerable.
And yet you expect your partner to be so in regards to their patterns.
So the first sort of rule of thumb or guide is to approach it very gently to whenever you're discussing your patterns or your partner's patterns,
To approach it very gently and without judgment and with complete acceptance,
Recognizing that it didn't start with them.
The pattern is not theirs.
They didn't create it.
You know,
They picked it up from their parents and their parents and their parents and society.
So to start there,
To realize that your partner is not their patterns and your partner is not to blame or at fault for having whatever patterns they have.
And neither are you.
So that's a great teaching that we are not our patterns.
And to remember that in times of conflict,
In times where patterns get triggered,
To not see each other as our patterns.
To realize,
Oh,
I have this pattern or my partner has this pattern.
And that's not all of who they are.
Because what happens oftentimes when we get into those conflicts,
In the moment where the patterns come up,
Because they have,
They bring us pain,
They bring pain in us,
We tend to then go into an absolute state where now this is all that our partner is.
Our partner is that pattern.
And of course our partner is not that pattern,
Nor are we when we go into our patterns.
So that's a very important thing to understand.
The most important thing to understand is that working with patterns is not necessarily most helpful at times of triggering.
When your partner,
For instance,
Is triggered in a pattern,
They are in their subconscious mind.
They might not even know that they're talking from their pattern.
They might not know that the pattern is active.
They might not understand the implication of the pattern.
They're just seeing what they're seeing.
And they're experiencing what they're experiencing from that pattern.
So usually it's not the best time to address the pattern.
Now that doesn't mean that you can't give feedback at that moment to your partner about how you feel in that moment.
That said,
If you want to comprehensively work on deconstructing a pattern with your partner,
Times of triggering are not usually the best times to do that.
Yeah.
And if you really want them to sort of take a snapshot at that moment,
You can ask them,
Hey,
Can you remember this so we can talk about it later?
And then perhaps they will remember how they felt and what they were projecting.
And then you can discuss it later.
And absolutely,
When someone is in a pattern is not really the best time to address the pattern.
And I know that in a way it can be counterintuitive because you think,
Oh,
Well,
It's when they're in their pattern that they're going to be able to feel it and recognize it.
And actually,
That's not true.
That's usually not the case for most people.
Because patterns have their own self-defense mechanisms.
So you'll notice that when someone is in a pattern and you try to take them out of the pattern that they're going to get angry and defensive and things like that.
And so that's why it's better to wait when things are good,
When things are calm,
When you're getting along and say,
Hey,
How would you feel about discussing this pattern?
And maybe instead of starting with your partner,
Maybe you start with your own path.
And maybe you separate time in your relationship and space and agree that in your relationship it is OK to give each other feedback about each other's patterns.
And to agree on how you want to do that,
On the ways that make sense for you too.
And that will allow you to then have space and have time to actually review these together and to give each other precious feedback.
Because those reflections that partners can give each other are so valuable.
So in addition to that,
When is the best time to work on patterns?
In addition to what Dexter said in terms of you're getting along,
Things are good,
And there's good communication,
There's a good connection.
And you've also essentially established a system together where you have agreed,
Like Dexter said,
To give each other feedback about patterns in a way where you're not the one pointing out the patterns to your partner.
And where essentially you present the information in such a way that it's not threatening.
So when is a good time?
When essentially the way that you will share the pattern comes with preloaded information,
Upfront information that helps your partner feel safe about uncovering that pattern and also feeling like they're not being blamed,
They're not being judged,
They're not being criticized,
They're not being punished,
They're not being bad,
They're not being wrong,
They haven't made a mistake or they haven't failed.
Simply presenting the information in such a way that essentially what you're doing is you're wanting to improve the quality of the relationship,
You're wanting to bring more love into the relationship,
You're wanting to improve communication,
You're wanting to improve the intimacy,
The quality of the connection,
And you bring that up to your partner with that upfront.
Saying this is my intention,
I'm not blaming you,
There's nothing wrong or bad,
I really want us to get to this level in our relationship where we feel very connected and loving and caring and kind and I feel like there's an opportunity here for us to do that.
So can we look at that?
And then of course if the partner is open in that moment,
Yes,
If they say no,
Then you wait.
You wait till you can feel that they feel safe.
The safer your partner feels,
The more this is the opportune moment to bring up a pattern when they know that the pattern is not going to be essentially a reason for being abandoned right emotionally or even you know if they think that you might abandon them completely in the relationship because of their pattern.
So once you've established that,
That it's not a source of abandonment,
That they're not wrong or bad and that you're there to support them and help them with the pattern,
Then that's usually a really good time and the person is going to be more open.
In the same way when Dexter said like really when you share about your own process of patterns,
Not with the intention of trying to get your partner to then do the same,
Simply because you see the value of doing that and you're very open and vulnerable,
Your partner is going to feel that and they're going to feel the benefit of that and they're going to see the value of that and that over time as they get more comfortable with that process,
It'll be easier for them to be vulnerable about their own pattern because they'll see that it's really making a difference for them and then they'll want to do the same thing for you.
Excellent,
And you can start by talking about one of your patterns that you're working on or maybe saying,
Oh,
I know you said this the other day and I'm really looking at it and this is one of the things I learned about this pattern of mine.
Or you can start by saying something like,
I really see all the work that you're doing in this place,
In this area,
On this pattern and I really see so much progress and I just wanted to congratulate you on that and say how I admire that.
And would you mind if we talked about another pattern,
If I gave you some feedback about it,
Some positive constructive feedback.
How different is that approach than the approach we typically take?
Typically we get triggered by our partner's patterns and then go into our own pattern and say something like,
In the extreme,
If you don't make this change then I don't want to be in the relationship so you threaten.
Or the ego will sometimes,
Will always pretty much judge.
So listen to how in the past up until this point,
Up until today,
Up until now,
How have you been addressing your partner's patterns?
Has there even been space to do that?
And when there is,
What's your tone of voice like?
Is there judgment in your tone of voice?
Is there anger?
Is there frustration?
Is there a feeling of hopelessness or despair or abandonment or fear or feeling less than or insecurity or anything that could get in the way of a conscious,
Loving,
Positive,
Constructive communication?
And what you'll find is that,
Typically,
What you'll probably find is that the ways that you've been approaching your partner,
In some of the most important communications that might exist between two people,
Because truly this process of feedback and growing with your partner and evolving with your partner and reflecting for each other and being mirrors for each other and being a sounding board for each other,
It's so helpful for the relationship's evolution and for the relationship to work out kinks and to become closer and more positive and more loving and supportive and joyful and consistently positive and protected in a way,
To build this positive environment,
Aura around you and your partner that surrounds you and holds you in a positive,
Constructive,
Evolutionary space and trajectory throughout time.
So we rarely approach those vital conversations with this level of focus and peace and clarity and consciousness.
We usually approach them emotionally,
Reactively,
And then we say,
Well,
My partner doesn't change and I've asked for this over and over again and so now I'm going to leave them.
And then you get the high divorce rates that we get these days.
And we think,
You know,
My partner doesn't care,
My partner doesn't want to change,
My partner doesn't want to look inwards,
And yet.
.
.
And none of that is true.
And perhaps we haven't personally refined our communication process.
Perhaps we haven't been able to reach them,
To talk about them and their patterns with them from our hearts.
And can you imagine if your partner has a lot of patterns,
Which is likely because all egos have a lot of patterns,
And your partner has a lot of feelings from the past of being judged,
Not good enough,
Which is likely because all egos do and everyone grows up in a pretty judgmental world with pretty judgmental parents and pretty judgmental friends and pretty judgmental political leaders.
Can you imagine how much pain they have stored around their identity and their self-image?
And of course,
The one person that they care most about what is thought of them is you.
They care most about what you think of them.
And so,
And it's most threatening to them if you,
Their partner,
Judges them or judges who they are and doesn't accept them.
So that's why,
And they're most afraid of your abandonment,
Is usually our partners,
The people have the greatest fear of abandonment in regards to their partners,
Usually,
And parents and the partners are up there.
And so,
How important to approach that discussion as delicately as it truly is.
How important to approach that situation as delicately as it truly is.
So what allows you,
Enables you to do that,
To approach it in that conscious,
Loving,
Discerning,
Caring,
Patient way?
Well,
The first thing is whatever pattern is in your partner,
It's going to be met by your own patterns of how you look at their pattern.
So if you clear any aversion that you have to their pattern,
That's going to allow what Dexter was describing as the style of communication that's going to be most optimal to actually clear the pattern.
So whenever something happens and you find that there's a pattern coming up in your partner,
Instead of focusing outward,
Focusing on them and their pattern,
You can know the pattern and again discuss it at some point in time when it's in the highest and best good to do so.
And until then,
You can start by working on your own aversion,
Your own reactivity to the pattern.
And what that will do,
That will de-escalate,
That will change your energy around your partner.
So when you have no aversion,
No judgment of their pattern,
Essentially that in itself is a process of deconstructing the pattern.
Because if there's nothing against the pattern,
If there's nothing saying that's wrong,
That's bad,
Then there's more capacity for them if you're in a state of,
A clear state of groundedness and patience and love and tolerance.
It's much easier for them to see themselves in the mirror,
To see,
Oh wait,
Something's going on here.
I'm reacting.
You know,
I can see my partner is very calm.
They're very loving.
They're very kind.
So what I'm imagining is going to essentially come from me because what I'm seeing around me is not a reflection of what I'm experiencing internally.
So that's really very important.
And in order to do that,
For you to do that work where you're no longer averse or no longer reactive or less averse,
Less reactive to the patterns of your partner,
Like Dexter was saying earlier on,
Oh that means they don't care,
That means they don't love me,
They don't want to improve.
It's about releasing those projections.
Because the moment that you start making assumptions and projections about the patterns and what they mean,
The meaning and implication of those patterns,
Now you're in your own movie reacting energetically to that movie as if it was true,
As if the patterns of your partner meant any of that.
The patterns of your partner can mean they've been conditioned when they were three years old because they saw their parents doing that and that's just the way that they react.
If you start now projecting from your own pain,
Oh it means all these things,
Now it's complexifying things,
It's making it difficult.
Now you're in a conflict,
You're going to be enmeshed together.
You're going to say,
No that pattern cannot exist because it's bringing me pain and the partner is in the pattern because they're in pain and so now it's like pain against pain and now it gets very complicated.
So to get to that point where you can have the kind of communications that Dexter was modeling for you,
It's really about clearing your versions,
Clearing your judgments,
Looking inward towards your own projections,
Your own process of reactivity and all the if this then that.
If my partner is doing this,
Then it means that and clearing that.
So all that remains is just this pattern when A happened,
Then my partner goes into B and just that and because of B now there's C and D and E and we can go very far down the rabbit hole of if A then B and then until Z.
We can be very creative in our process of projection,
Fearful projection about patterns in somebody else.
So if you stay in the present moment to just A and B,
Okay when this happens my partner does this and then just stay there and then instead of reacting to that,
Judging that,
You clear that and you stay present and you hold the space of consciousness for your partner and then there's the potential for your partner to change and to shift.
Now it's not easy because it's pattern against pattern,
Right?
For you to stay and to model this consciousness and this groundedness,
If you're also triggered by their pattern very intensely and there's emotional charge,
That now becomes difficult,
Which is why we have conflicts and arguments and misunderstandings and then it gets magnified and there's layers upon layers of beliefs that we create about each other based on something that's as simple as just a pattern that we learned.
Yeah and it's beautiful in a way because if there's a pattern manifesting in our lives via our partner because our partner is embodying that pattern,
The only way for us to,
In a way,
The way for us to clear that pattern from our lives,
From our partner and from our lives is to first face the patterns in us that it brings up.
So what a beautiful self-accountable design that is and oftentimes that's hard because they say women marry their fathers,
Men marry their.
.
.
So we end up marrying our mom and dads basically,
Our parents,
So.
.
.
In an effort to clear things from our past that has been unresolved.
Right.
So it's a remake.
So it's almost like there's a design to it.
There's a reason why your partner has that pattern and why it's coming up for you in your relationship.
It's not because just because of your partner.
Like there's a purpose for you in your partner's patterns.
A healing.
Yeah,
And so.
.
.
And part of that is understanding and releasing and clearing and healing and release whatever patterns in you that it brings up until you can completely love them as they're in that pattern.
And that means seeing that they're not being a bad person,
Even if they're yelling and being mean,
Seeing that they're not actually being mean or a bad person,
Seeing that they're afraid and seeing the inner child in them that is truly afraid and doing whatever they can to be safe and actually loving that inner child then and really caring for it and its highest and best good and seeing its pain and understanding its pain and accepting its pain and wanting to nurture it,
The child,
And to help the child and to even help it with its pain.
And the more you learn to do that for yourself,
The more you'll be able to do it for your partner.
Another beautiful element of the design.
So how can you love their inner child if you're not loving your inner child?
Only by learning how to love your inner child,
Learn to love your patterns,
Learn to forgive your patterns,
Learn to understand your patterns,
Only by doing that can you then embody that for your partner.
Can you model it?
Let's take a look at the process.
Okay.
I think we're good.
Yeah.
And I think as just as one more little item in this conversation,
Simply for instance,
Using the opono-pono mantra in those moments can really de-escalate things.
And the opono-pono mantra is really well,
Is a good tool,
A tailored tool for working with patterns.
Or going into the space behind your heart where the seat of your soul is,
Where the love and light of your soul is.
And so just finding that space of calm,
Of peace,
Of love,
Just behind your heart.
Meditating there,
Being there,
Looking at your partner from there,
Looking at your life and yourself from there.
And looking at the patterns,
Your patterns and their patterns from there,
Which essentially brings about a process of deconstruction of those patterns,
Simply by doing that,
By observing them objectively without any attachment or aversion.
Not trying to change them,
Simply observing them so that you can understand fully,
Consciously,
What is actually going on.
And forgiving.
The forgive and forget technique is excellent and we have these techniques around on YouTube and on our website.
So there's so much more potential for relationships than most people realize.
And a lot of people feel hopeless and in despair about their relationship and feel like with their partner it can only ever get so deep.
And actually,
You know,
There's people inside,
The inner child and people,
The soul,
Light that is in everyone can be nurtured,
It can be grown,
It can be cultivated.
And there's really no limit of how you and your partner can evolve.
And in a way,
Your relationship is your creation.
And the depth to which you are in a relationship,
The depth of the connection,
It comes from you.
It doesn't come from your partner.
How deep you go and how unconditionally loving you become is up to you.
Regardless of what the patterns of your partner is.
If anything,
Sometimes in a relationship where a partner has more karmas,
More patterns,
It's actually an incredible opportunity for you to really get to that depth of connection with yourself which then translates into depth of connection with anyone regardless of any pattern.
Which is really the closest thing that we can experience to unconditional love.
Living without requirement,
Without condition,
Without expecting our partner to be perfect.
To love and accept them as a child of God,
Of the universe,
Just as they are.
And how much fulfillment and energy there is in that is incredible.
We welcome your comments and questions and concerns and thoughts and feedback.
So please do leave that if you want to.
And we hope that this was helpful.
Sending you lots of love.
