Why Guilt Makes Us Break Our Boundaries

Guilt is one of the biggest reasons why boundaries are not upheld.

And in this episode,

I'm gonna share with you the difference between guilt that drives you towards your values and guilt that is projected on you from others.

I'm Kelly Kessler.

I help you move from self-neglect to self-respect.

Research shows that women are significantly more likely than men to feel guilty when they set boundaries and close relationships,

According to Psychology Today.

In one study,

Only 11% of women said they had no trouble setting boundaries,

Leaving the other 89% showing that they did struggle with setting boundaries.

A workplace study found that women who received work messages after hours felt more guilt and distress about responding to them and feeling the pressure to respond.

Psychologists also say that guilt is one of the top reasons people abandon themselves or soften their boundaries,

Especially high-achieving women who equate care with responsibility.

And that is why it is so essential to understand guilt.

Guilt raises up when we start to set boundaries.

But guilt is not all bad.

Guilt can be also good.

And that's why I wanna share with you the difference in recognizing when it's guilt that is bringing us back to our values and when it's guilt that is being projected onto us from other people who are trying to control us.

Now,

I'll share an example that the other day,

I was exhausted,

I was not sleeping well,

And just was a little more moody than usual.

And I was a little bit more snappy,

Just kind of like in my shell,

But just like had no patience for anything and just was a little bit more snippy.

And I knew it,

You know,

I knew I was,

But sometimes you're in the middle of things and you can't really like get your head around it.

But when I gained more clarity afterwards,

I apologized to the person I was with.

I said,

I'm sorry,

I was really being snappy there.

Like that was just a space I was in and I apologized for that.

And that is an instance where I recognize that I didn't have a lot of patience in that moment.

And it was that guilt of like,

I am not acting the way I want to act.

This is not in alignment with my values.

And it's that guilt that brings you back to that sense of living in alignment with yourself,

That you're not expecting perfection,

But you can recognize some of these areas where you deviate from your values and that you can come back to them by apologizing for maybe the way you behaved or acted or spoke.

And that was an instance where the guilt I was feeling was bringing me back to my values because I wasn't presenting myself the way that I typically present myself.

And so it was my responsibility to apologize for the way I was showing up and I was being more snippy at that time.

So that would be an instance where we have value-driven guilt,

Where guilt is bringing you back to the values that you uphold.

But then there's also a very different instance where someone is projecting guilt onto you.

They are trying to make you feel guilty for decisions that you've made.

I've also had this.

I literally just had this today.

I got a text message from a person who I have set very strong boundaries with.

And this is someone who the message was riddled with this guilt of like,

Don't you feel bad?

How could you do this?

All these messages of like trying to make me feel like I was on the hook for being responsible for their emotions and really making me feel so guilty for these decisions that I've made that really are based out of my own self-protection,

My own peace.

But it was their guilt that they were projecting onto me because they are not happy with me setting boundaries.

But it's also not my responsibility to buffer their emotions.

It's not my responsibility to hold those emotions.

But yet here was message after message of just guilt-ridden trying to make me feel bad for the decision I made.

But the decision I made is so in alignment with myself and my values.

It's so in alignment with protecting my peace that I know the intent behind that decision.

And the intent is self-protection,

Self-preservation and peace in my life.

So in that moment,

They were projecting a lot of guilt to control the dynamic.

They want me to relinquish my boundaries in that moment and go back to that self-sacrificial,

Self-abandoning version that I was for them for all those years.

And so in that instance,

That is the case where you see guilt is trying to control the dynamic.

That's the guilt that tries to pull you back into that old version that they got really used to.

And it's that old version that was giving them what they needed.

And so they project the guilt onto you.

And so there's some instances where we see guilt that is bringing us more in alignment with ourselves,

Like the first example.

And then there's guilt that's trying to pull us away from our values,

Pull us away from our peace and everything that we need in our lives to protect ourselves.

And so we need to be able to differentiate these two types of guilt,

The value-aligned guilt versus the projected guilt.

So I'm going to share with you some ways that you can notice that if when you're feeling guilt,

It's guilt that's bringing back into alignment with your values,

Or if it's guilt that is pulling you into someone else's values and someone else's dynamic story,

Narrative and trying to control you.

So first I'm going to go over the value-aligned guilt.

This is the guilt you feel when it pulls you back into your values,

Pulls you back into yourself where you can recognize some ways that you may be spoke or acted in a way that was out of the way you desire to show up in this world.

And so the source of this guilt is your own consciousness.

It's your own inner compass.

And when you feel that guilt,

It's usually quiet,

It's reflective,

It's steady.

It invites that self-inquiry,

Like how could I have done that differently?

Is there a way I could have said that differently?

I need to apologize.

I can take accountability for that.

I recognize how I didn't show up in the way that I wanted to in that moment.

It's a quiet,

Sturdy energy behind that that's pulling you back into yourself.

In your body,

It does feel somewhat open,

But yet there's a sense that something just doesn't feel settled.

And so it's good,

Again,

To be aware of what you're feeling in your body in that moment.

And the message in this guilt is that you acted out of alignment with your values.

And the action it requires is repair.

So going to the person that maybe you acted out of alignment with and repairing that,

Recognizing it,

Taking accountability,

Apologizing,

And showing up differently.

It requires reflection,

Noticing,

Okay,

What was going on at that moment?

What was I feeling internally that caused me to say or do that?

And it causes recommitment to integrity,

Recognizing that you have a set of values and that it's important for you to live in them and commit to living in them.

And the emotions you usually feel afterwards,

After this guilt is relief,

Clarity of taking ownership,

Of recognizing like,

Listen,

I'm not perfect and I'm learning every day,

But this is helping me learn how to stay more in alignment with those values.

And the inner voice says to you,

I want to choose better next time.

I learned my lesson from this and I'm going to show up differently so this doesn't continue to happen.

The core function of this is bringing you closer to authenticity.

It's pulling you back to your authentic self,

To the core values that you embody.

It's pulling you back home to yourself because you may have deviated from the path.

That's the whole function of this guilt that's bringing you into your values versus the projected guilt.

When you feel the projected guilt,

It's coming from others' expectations,

Disappointments or manipulation.

They are trying to control you in some way.

They are trying to get you to live the way that they want you to live.

And they are disappointed when things are not working out.

So instead of reflecting and dealing with their own emotions,

They go to you to try to get you back to where they want you to be.

The tone and the energy here is heavy.

It's anxious,

It's frantic.

It feels like you need to just smooth things over and fix it or please or try to just make it better.

It feels very heavy.

And your body usually feels it too.

You'll feel this tightness,

This pressure,

The shame,

Jitteriness in your body.

You might feel in your gut.

You feel almost sick to your stomach or heaviness in your shoulders.

The message in this type of guilt is you made me uncomfortable.

Fix it so I feel better.

The whole message in this is that someone else's comfort matters more than your own.

The whole message in this is that,

Listen,

I need you to do and behave differently because you're not fitting the role that I want you to be in.

This is where people-pleasing comes in,

Over-explaining and abandoning yourself comes in because you are then using your energy to fix what somebody else's expectations are.

You're allowing that guilt to pull you away from your center.

It's pulling you away from your groundedness.

It's pulling you away from your values so that you can honor someone else's comfort.

The aftermath of this,

When you go into someone else's guilt pattern is usually resentment.

When you say yes and you wanted to say no,

You feel that resentment.

It's usually exhaustion because you are just trying to meet the expectations of this person even though you know you can never meet them.

But yet you try and try and try again because you just want the peace to be had outside of you,

Even if it means relinquishing the peace within you.

And then there's that self-doubt.

Even after making it right,

Even if you go into what they wanted you to do,

Even if you fall to the guilt that they're trying to project onto you,

You question,

You're like,

What did I do?

Was that the right decision?

I don't even know.

You start to lose trust in yourself in the process because you're listening to their inner voice over your own.

And the inner voice in this says to you,

I'm bad unless I keep everybody happy.

I'm not enough unless they're comfortable.

Their comfort matters more than my own.

I will relinquish my peace so that I can keep that relationship.

The core function of this projected guilt is to pull you away from your authenticity,

Pull you away from your values,

Leave you empty so that they're full.

The whole point of that projected guilt is to make sure that they don't have to deal with their discomfort.

And then who's left to deal with it?

You,

Because you relinquish yourself,

You self-sacrifice,

You abandon yourself over and over again for their comfort,

For their expectations of what they think your life should look like and how they think you should act and what you should say.

That guilt that is projected onto you is coming from their inner world in a dynamic to control you.

And that may be conscious or that may be subconscious,

But it's coming from their inner world of,

This is how life is supposed to be,

This is what this relationship is supposed to be,

This is what they were supposed to say.

And it didn't happen,

So instead of me dealing with my discomfort,

I'm just going to make them change.

That's where that projection comes from.

So if you can't differentiate what's your guilt and what's theirs,

You can see how this can be such a mishmash.

It can be so difficult,

So complex,

So heavy to deal with.

And you can see that when you start to set boundaries,

You can feel so empowered the minute you set that boundary.

But the minute guilt comes,

That's when it can pull you back.

It can make you have doubt,

Question yourself,

What did I do?

Especially when those relationships start to get strained or that person is not approving of your choices.

That's when this guilt can really wreak a havoc on every part of your peace and your ability to live authentically.

So I share this so that when you feel that guilt coming up,

You recognize,

Is this mine or is this theirs?

Because it's a really powerful question to recognize.

Is this bringing me closer to my authenticity or is this pulling me away from my authenticity?

These are powerful questions you can ask yourself so that you don't let someone else's guilt run your life.

And another thing is that when you set boundaries,

Guilt will come.

Because guilt is also an indicator that you're moving into a place of discomfort.

You're not relinquishing yourself anymore.

You're not giving in to somebody else's choices or vision for your life.

Guilt is part of it,

But it's essential to recognize what the deeper message of that guilt is.

And how it feels in you.

So if this resonates with you and you are struggling with that guilt,

Trying to figure out how to navigate your own life and keep the peace with everybody else,

And trying to set boundaries,

And trying to live authentically,

But also not trying to ruffle any feathers,

I get it.

This is a difficult,

Difficult situation.

It's complex.

And especially when you've maybe sacrificed yourself to keep the peace outside yourself for so long,

It can feel like even more of a struggle because it's foreign.

It's new.

It's different.

You can start to feel free from that guilt that keeps pulling you back into the version that you're trying to let go.

Feel free to live your life with your values and feel that freedom in your life to make the choices that feel right for you.

Thank you so much for joining me.