The other day I was watching a reel and it was Mel Robbins and if you're not familiar with Mel Robbins,
One of her platforms is the Let Them Theory.
And in this theory she talks about how if you are in a situation or job or relationship that isn't the best or the healthiest for you,
That to just let them do what they're doing and let them say what they're doing without taking it personally and also to let yourself choose differently.
And on the surface that sounds great.
It sounds like a nice release from things that you're not taking the responsibility of everything and you're not taking things personally.
But this misses a big point.
This is very much not applicable to some complexities,
Especially in relationships or other situations.
And while this may apply to some of these inconveniences in life,
It's not that simple just to let people do what they're doing and to remove yourself.
And what isn't talked about enough is how challenging it actually is to set boundaries.
On the surface and theoretically,
It sounds like it should be pretty simple that you say to somebody,
If you continue to do this,
I'm going to do this.
But when you get down to it,
When you go to actually set that boundary with that person,
The job,
Whatever it is,
It's much more complex than that.
It can feel like so much more pressure than just to say that statement because it's one thing to set that boundary,
But it's another thing to follow through with it.
And that's where the destabilization comes for many people.
So if you are at the precipice of setting boundaries and choosing yourself and you're feeling that resistance in your life,
You're feeling like,
Why can't I just set the boundary with this person?
Why can't I just stand up for myself?
Why can't I just choose what I want without meeting their expectations?
That pressure is real.
And it's something that needs to be acknowledged.
And it's something that just some surface statement like let them doesn't actually address.
Because boundaries are not about willpower.
It's not about willing yourself to choose yourself.
It's about something much deeper,
Something that was ingrained in you long before you even realized it,
Something that you've held on to,
Likely from your childhood.
And the reason why boundaries can be so challenging and go far beyond the willpower of setting them is because they are anchored in fear,
The fear of what could happen when you actually choose yourself,
The fear of what would that relationship look like when I change the way I show up in it,
The fear of,
Oh,
My gosh,
Will I lose my job if I actually stand up for myself?
Those are legitimate fears.
Those are things that go far deeper than just the surface level of setting boundaries.
And I want you to understand that if you are feeling this fear,
That there is a good reason for why you're feeling that,
In that you have belief systems that are anchoring into you feeling that fear.
And the big thing that I see in so many women I work with is that you have that fear because you rely on the things outside yourself to be stable and steady and there for you to feel safe within yourself.
Because think about when you set that boundary with that person.
It could be somebody who's very close to you.
It could be someone who means a lot to you.
But if you choose to show up differently,
If you choose to set that boundary and protect your peace,
Inevitably,
The dynamic between you and that person will change.
And that sense of connection could change.
And that ignites a lot of fear.
Because the thing is,
We're wired to have a sense of belonging.
We're wired to feel like we belong to a unit,
Especially to people closest to us.
And when there is a potential for that connection to be disrupted,
There's a lot of fear that comes in because our systems are wired to protect us.
Even if that serves us or not,
Even if that hinders us from feeling more joy and freedom in our life,
It is going to protect you.
And where that protection comes is from a sense of familiarity.
That even if you are in a relationship or a job or a situation that is draining you,
That feels exhausting,
That feels like it's really taxing your energy,
You're going to stay in it because there's a sense of certainty that you know exactly what's going to happen.
You know what that relationship is going to be like next week because it was probably the same way last week.
You know what that job is going to be like next week because it was probably the same way last week.
There's a sense of certainty,
And therefore there's a sense of safety.
And therefore there's a little bit less fear of knowing what it's going to feel like and what it's going to be like.
But when you choose yourself,
You choose to show up differently,
It not only takes so much courage to make that decision,
But it can be completely destabilizing once you do because of the fear that's in there,
Because of the patterns that you've learned.
And likely these situations,
These relationships,
They work because you've shown up in a way that is allowing it to work.
Often the situations and the relationships that get thrown off from boundaries and self-protection are the ones that benefited from you abandoning yourself.
They're the ones that benefited from you holding it down,
Holding it together.
And they're those same ones that benefited from you taking on the emotional burden of it all.
And that is the underlying fear of why it can be so hard to set boundaries because you're smart and your system is smart.
And it knows that if you show up differently,
There's probably going to be an aftermath to that.
And that's scary.
That can be really scary of what is my life going to look like when I finally show up differently,
When I finally show up for myself,
When I finally speak up for myself,
When I finally advocate for myself.
There's so much fear that drives us.
And that's why boundaries are complex.
That's why it's not as simple to just set them and forget them and let them go because boundaries are just the start.
It's everything that happens after the boundary,
The destabilization,
That's the real work.
And that's where it becomes even more challenging.
Because the truth is,
And if you set a boundary,
You know this all too well,
The minute you set the boundary,
There's guilt that tries to pull you back into the old patterns.
The minute you set the boundary,
You start questioning yourself.
You have so much self-doubt.
Did I make the wrong decision?
Did I say the right thing?
Could I have said that differently?
You're replaying the conversations.
You're ruminating on every single little aspect of that.
And you're wondering,
What did I just do?
And after you set that boundary,
You know that there's going to be a lot of projection from other people.
There's going to be a lot of things that are said to you that may not be true.
And they often are not.
But they're the truth for that person that's coming out from their inner self.
It's not your truth,
But it's theirs.
And it comes at you and it hits you hard.
And that's another thing that you have to navigate to recognize that.
And if you don't feel anchored in yourself in that process,
It can be so incredibly destabilizing that most women who set the boundaries,
They end up going back to the situation.
Because all that pulls them back.
It pulls them back into what's familiar.
Because the thing is,
Your system is wired to feel safe.
It's wired for that sense of certainty.
And you feel it.
You feel it in your body.
You know that feeling the minute you stand up for yourself or the minute you get that message after you stand up for yourself.
Your heart is pounding.
Your blood pressure is elevating.
You feel tense.
Your muscles are tight.
You feel sick to your stomach.
Your whole body is speaking to you.
And you're probably feeling that,
Thinking that that's evidence that you made the wrong choice.
But all that is,
Is that evidence that you made a different choice.
You chose something different than self-sacrifice.
You chose something different than self-abandonment.
You chose self-loyalty.
You chose to respect yourself in that moment.
But when you have all those symptoms in your body and the tension and the buildup,
It can easily pull you off and bring you back into the same patterns.
And that's why boundaries are not about willpower.
It's about understanding your beliefs.
The beliefs that you have that tell you that you have to sacrifice yourself for other people.
The beliefs that you have that you have to do more and go above and beyond and overgive in order to feel worthy in a relationship.
The belief that you have to accommodate others' expectations in order to have that connection.
These are all beliefs that stem from your childhood,
From your experience,
From your experiences.
Whether you have stories to back them up or not,
There's something that's happened in your life that made you feel that way.
And you held it on.
You gave it meaning.
And then you carried that through to the rest of your life.
And then it affects every decision here on out.
That in order to feel enough,
You had to constantly be there for somebody.
That you were responsible for everybody else's emotions.
That you weren't worthy of your own protection.
You weren't worthy of sticking up for yourself or speaking up.
That that would be too fearful.
That would be too threatening to your system if you did.
And I want you to understand this is an opportunity for you to show yourself compassion for all those moments that have brought you here.
Not to shame yourself for having difficulty setting boundaries.
Not to shame yourself for having difficulty speaking up or removing yourself from situations that are not healthy for you.
This is that opportunity to see why.
Why are you feeling like you're in this position and you can't stand up for yourself or choose yourself?
And it's not because you're weak.
It's because there's a real situation that's going on here where your nervous system is trying to protect you.
You have belief systems that tell you that that's the only way to live.
And until you look at that with utter truth,
You will inevitably go back into the same patterns.
But this is where you can choose differently.
And you can recognize that if it feels destabilizing,
It's actually evidence that you're choosing something different.
It's actually evidence that you're finally choosing yourself.
You're standing up for yourself.
And that is where the power comes in.
That you get to choose how you show up differently.
And it doesn't mean that it's easy.
It doesn't mean that it's simple.
But it means that it's powerful.
Because from here on out,
You change the trajectory.
If you do nothing right now,
You know what next week is going to look like.
You know what next week is going to feel like.
This is the opportunity to see the patterns in you with compassion.
Give yourself grace.
And understand the power you have in this exact moment to choose differently.
