Hi,
This is Catherine Cook-Atone,
Author of Embodiment and the Treatment of Eating Disorders.
The body is a resource in recovery.
I'll be reading from script 9.
1,
An apology letter to my body.
If you'd like to do the writing exercise afterwards,
Just have a piece of paper handy and you can work on your own letter after.
Dear body,
This letter is long overdue and for that I am very sorry.
You have been with me from the beginning,
Never leaving me no matter what I did to you.
I remember it all and I know what I have done.
In the beginning,
We were best friends,
Never going anywhere without the other,
Laughing,
Taking long,
Lazy naps,
And trying to figure out my crazy family.
You always told me when to be careful and when it was okay to run as fast as I could.
I used to listen to you.
You knew the best snacks and when we should take a break.
You were the same age as me and yet somehow you were so very wise.
I remember one time when you knew a little girl at school was not as nice as she pretended to be.
You knew this way before I knew.
You tried to tell me and then later we cried together.
You were always with me when I was hurting,
Even when I did not listen to you.
I know when it was.
It was first grade.
That's when I first started wholeheartedly rejecting you.
You weren't quite the shape I wanted you to be.
I began to discount how smart you were and started picking you apart.
You weren't perfect,
Small,
Or pretty like the other bodies I saw.
I thought even my mom wanted you to be prettier and smaller.
I started to wonder why you were always so hungry and I got mad at you for wanting me to eat all the time.
So I would punish you by not eating and the fights would start.
I starved and ignored you and you yelled louder about wanting food and maybe,
Just maybe you wanted me.
I didn't care.
I didn't care.
I wanted you to be different.
By seventh grade,
I was done with you and I left you for a long time.
Sure,
When I needed you,
I would check back in on days when I was hurting and wanted you there while I cried.
You cried with me.
I spent years doing really terrible things to you.
We both know the depth of it.
I'm lucky I didn't kill you.
Here I am today in tears,
Remembering it all with my heart,
Our heart,
Heavy.
I am so very sorry.
You didn't deserve any of this.
Your shape is exactly as it should be with all of its curves and scars.
You helped me create two beautiful babies,
Run marathons and teach thousands of yoga classes.
We have written books,
Loved friends and seen the world together.
In your beautiful shape,
You have never left me,
Heart beating,
Lungs breathing,
Feet grounded,
Even when I was not paying attention.
Okay,
So here it is.
I'm going to make a promise.
I will not leave you or hurt you anymore.
It has taken me decades to get to you.
Know us,
To get us right.
I have fallen and failed.
Each time I have gotten back up for you,
For us.
You are worth every single try,
Every single time.
If I have not said it clearly enough before,
I love you and I am sorry.
Did you hear me?
I love you.
Your soulmate,
Catherine.
Now if you want,
You can pick up a piece of paper and a pen and write your letter.
I hope you do.
Thank you for listening.
