An Apology Letter To My Body

This practice is adapted from my book, "Embodiment and the treatment of eating disorders: The body as a resource in recovery" (Cook-Cottone, WW Norton, 2020). This is an adapted apology letter I wrote to my body. I hope you listen and maybe, write one to your body. Sometimes, making reparations is a really good place to start.

Transcript

Hi,

This is Catherine Cook-Atone,

Author of Embodiment and the Treatment of Eating Disorders.

The body is a resource in recovery.

I'll be reading from script 9.

1,

An apology letter to my body.

If you'd like to do the writing exercise afterwards,

Just have a piece of paper handy and you can work on your own letter after.

Dear body,

This letter is long overdue and for that I am very sorry.

You have been with me from the beginning,

Never leaving me no matter what I did to you.

I remember it all and I know what I have done.

In the beginning,

We were best friends,

Never going anywhere without the other,

Laughing,

Taking long,

Lazy naps,

And trying to figure out my crazy family.

You always told me when to be careful and when it was okay to run as fast as I could.

I used to listen to you.

You knew the best snacks and when we should take a break.

You were the same age as me and yet somehow you were so very wise.

I remember one time when you knew a little girl at school was not as nice as she pretended to be.

You knew this way before I knew.

You tried to tell me and then later we cried together.

You were always with me when I was hurting,

Even when I did not listen to you.

I know when it was.

It was first grade.

That's when I first started wholeheartedly rejecting you.

You weren't quite the shape I wanted you to be.

I began to discount how smart you were and started picking you apart.

You weren't perfect,

Small,

Or pretty like the other bodies I saw.

I thought even my mom wanted you to be prettier and smaller.

I started to wonder why you were always so hungry and I got mad at you for wanting me to eat all the time.

So I would punish you by not eating and the fights would start.

I starved and ignored you and you yelled louder about wanting food and maybe,

Just maybe you wanted me.

I didn't care.

I didn't care.

I wanted you to be different.

By seventh grade,

I was done with you and I left you for a long time.

Sure,

When I needed you,

I would check back in on days when I was hurting and wanted you there while I cried.

You cried with me.

I spent years doing really terrible things to you.

We both know the depth of it.

I'm lucky I didn't kill you.

Here I am today in tears,

Remembering it all with my heart,

Our heart,

Heavy.

I am so very sorry.

You didn't deserve any of this.

Your shape is exactly as it should be with all of its curves and scars.

You helped me create two beautiful babies,

Run marathons and teach thousands of yoga classes.

We have written books,

Loved friends and seen the world together.

In your beautiful shape,

You have never left me,

Heart beating,

Lungs breathing,

Feet grounded,

Even when I was not paying attention.

Okay,

So here it is.

I'm going to make a promise.

I will not leave you or hurt you anymore.

It has taken me decades to get to you.

Know us,

To get us right.

I have fallen and failed.

Each time I have gotten back up for you,

For us.

You are worth every single try,

Every single time.

If I have not said it clearly enough before,

I love you and I am sorry.

Did you hear me?

I love you.

Your soulmate,

Catherine.

Now if you want,

You can pick up a piece of paper and a pen and write your letter.

I hope you do.

Thank you for listening.

Reviews

Going to write my own. I was sobbing through this. Clearly my body needed to hear that. Thank you so much for sharing 🥹❤️‍🩹

Fabulous! Ty!

Pfew thanks for the tears!

Wonder lies beneath the hurt. This opens a path for healing the body with a love letter.

Excellent ! Thank you 😊💓

Powerful!!!! I will be sharing this with my clients. Thank you for sharing your strength and vulnerability.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

I had thought I would listen to this while doing my physical therapy exercises.i do not have a history of eating disorders as such, though I think (and my dietitian tends to agree) that because of multiple food sensitivities and allergies, I occasionally have an avoidant food intake tendency. I listen to some meditations for eating disorder recovery to strengthen my resolve to eat better, so I can feel better.

That said, I had to put my plans on hold. I lay down to begin my pelvic and lower back exercises, and was halted by the poem here. No exercises, just listening quietly as I lay on my pelvic blocks, the poem washing over and through me, sounding very much like a poem I could have written myself if I ever focused on that subject matter. It touched me deeply and I felt a sheen of tears in my eyes by the end.

I doubt I will be writing my own letter at this time, but I will be listening to this one repeatedly in the future. These are heartfelt, important words.

Thank you for sharing this gift with us here. I see you and the light within you. Be well. 🤲🏻❤️🤲🏻

This is amazing and such a great idea I just recently gained just a little weight but because getting more that it's harder to lose it when getting older but it's not just about the weight it's about what we put in our bodies and how we treat our bodies..definitely gonna write a letter thank you so much for this❤❤