Doubt Buddhist Hindrances Self Doubt Awakening Confidence

This is a talk given at our weekly Sit Raleigh Meditation Society Tuesday night group. There may be noise from the street. In this discussion the hindrance of Doubt is discussed. This was the fifth in a series on the Hindrances taught by the Buddha. Doubt can paralyze us into inaction, in can also make us choose what is unskillful, unhelpful and harmful. Instead of living doubt can cause us to hide. Of course there are times where Wise Doubt will make us question something - this is skillful of course, so learning to discern skillful from unskillful doubt is incredibly important not only for our practice but for our lives.

Transcript

All right, So doubt is the fifth hindrance. And at some point, The other four recordings will be up. I'm working on it. In Pali. There's a couple of words that are used for that, But the most popular one is vichiquicha. It's the best I can do. So a lot of times it's interesting the. . . The definition of a word in our modern dictionaries is sometimes very different then. How it's used in Buddhism. But for doubt, It's actually fairly close. So Webster's says, Doubt is a mental state of uncertainty, Hesitation, Or lack of conviction. It involves wavering between belief and disbelief, Or questioning the truth, Reality, Or reliability of something. It often leads to hesitation and decision making. I think that's a pretty. Pretty good definition. And when we get into the way the Buddha used it. . . It's pretty similar. They do, As I did in the meditation, Split up between wise or skillful and unwise and unskillful. And a big portion of that is what it leads to and where it comes from. So the first four hindrances can arise let's just say, Restlessness. One could just have that kind of constitution, Just be a somewhat restless and nervous person all the time. That hasn't arisen in relation to or because of the practice. You brought that with you to the practice. Part of that, Not all of it, Is about being tired. There's also other aspects to it, But if you're not getting enough sleep, Well, That's not coming because you're meditating or because of the teachings. That's not why you're having that show up. But doubt can come as a direct relationship to the practice. Being introduced to something that's new and you're unsure of. The language could be something that you're not used to, The physical aspect of it. I don't know if I can do this. This feels uncomfortable. I feel weird sitting on the floor. Whatever shows up for you, That is part of the practice, Right? We're sitting in this posture right now. If that was arising in your mind. You didn't bring that with you here, Right? You probably didn't think earlier today, People who sit on the floor are weird, Like that wouldn't have arisen for most of us. But then if you came here and this is the first time you saw that and it was just, You know, That's kind of an odd example. But the point is that it's, It would be in direct relationship to what we're doing or to the teachings. And so. What makes that unique. Is it could stop us from practicing altogether. If you allow whatever decks show up for you. If you ruminate on them. If you add to them. And you reinforce them. Oh, I don't think I can do this. And you're like, Yeah, No, I know I can't do this. You know, The last time I tried something, I couldn't do it either. And then you've You're just experiencing one thing and now you're bringing in something from the past. And maybe you'll find another one. And you'll find all these reasons. And next thing you know, You're out the door. And you're saying, Oh, I'm not doing that again. That's your choice. This is not a judgment. But it's just what can happen if we don't meet what shows up. In the form of doubt. With clarity and understanding, With compassion and kindness. You can still leave and never come back if you don't want. That's not what it's about. It's about how are you meeting these things. And are you letting this emotional peace, Or mind state, Control what you do. It can definitely trap the mind in these. Loops of uncertainty. And I know I used to experience that quite often. I have these memories of being in school as a child. And part of the class was to get up in front of the class and give a little report or something. And I talked myself into a frenzy where I couldn't do it. Now I sit in front of people and talk all the time. But I couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it. And. . . I don't remember exactly what was going on in my mind at the time, But I'm sure I was ruminating and the other hindrances of restlessness definitely showed up. Anxiousness and they just fed on each other. And today, It's not that. There's none of that. Those things still can show up. The mind can still say, Oh, Well, Are you good enough? Is anybody going to be here? Whatever. You know, Are they going to like you? Whatever thoughts show up. I mean, I always mentioned to you, I gave a talk at a different community on Sunday that I had never been to. I didn't know anyone. It was a big group. And the teachers that usually teach there are highly respected. Normal thoughts arise. But the question is, Do I let them loop and run away with my mind, Or do I meet them with, Okay, Well, I've prepared. I can give a talk and talk to myself with skill. And I think the big change by noticing when doubt arises and then meeting it with understanding and kindness. Over the last year I've done a lot of things that I know a long time ago I would have said, When I was asked to do them, I would say no. And I don't want to put myself in that situation because it's uncomfortable, Right? It's scary. It's all these things that why would I want to feel that way? Um. . . But part of the practice is meeting life on life's terms. Kind of living more fully is the way I see it. Expanding rather than contracting. You know, We can all go home and hide because the world can be scary. Or we can go ahead and live. You know, The Buddhist story, He went out and he was kind of trapped because of his father in the palace or whatever they called it. And he had these questions and he went out, And I'm sure what he did was definitely uncomfortable and scary. He just kind of went out and said, I'm going to just go for it. Just about guarantee that he spent a lot of time that was uncomfortable and unpleasant and difficult. But he didn't let Mara, Which are this this mind that shrinks us and makes us hide. And makes us listen to the negative self-talk. As opposed to saying, Yeah, I hear you, Mara. You might be right, But I'm going to try anyway. What's the worst that can happen? I could fail. That's the worst that could happen. I could not go my way. I could lose. I could, Whatever, I could fall down like, Okay. That willingness to live, Really, To experience what the world has for us. Is really so much of what. Learning to understand. How these things show up for us. And they show up for all of us in different amounts, But we all experience these things. And I think, You know, Depending on how we've been brought up in our own constitution. Through our formative years, We met these things with a particular way. And we probably continued in that way. We got in the groove, And that's the groove that we stayed with. If we would just try anything, Some people do that, Other people won't try anything. Just the opposite. Anything that seems uncomfortable or different or difficult, No thanks. And other people say, Oh, That's scary and dangerous. Yeah, Sure, I'll bungee jump off anything. Right, Some people do that. And, You know, You can do whatever you want. This is not about a judgment. But if we're holding ourselves back. And we don't really want to. Like if you don't, If you really don't want to do something, Don't do it. But if we kind of want to do it, But we're talking ourselves to not do it because of something that might be unpleasant. That doubt. Maybe that's something we should consider. And we should see if there's another way. And bringing it to practice. I'm not going to get into my whole history of practice. Some of you have heard it, But. . . When I really first started dedicated meditation practice. I was sitting with a friend and his teacher, And they had been sitting together for 25 years at this point. And I was, I had messed around trying to meditate for years, But I didn't have what I would call a practice. I didn't know what I was doing. And I showed up. Not knowing what to expect. And we sat for two and a half hours, We sat and walked for two and a half hours in a room a quarter the size of this room. In this creaky old house. My mind was like a wild bucking bronco. Everything was silent. I still never learned the teacher's name. It's a long time ago, But I went there for five years and sat and I never got to know his name. There was no talking. My friend's name I knew, But I never got to know the teacher's name. And I definitely doubted whether or not I could do it. And maybe if the floor wasn't so creaky, I would have left. If I could have been quiet enough. But ultimately, I didn't let my doubts caused me to run away. I think if I had, I wouldn't be here today. Someone else would be sitting here, But not me. Because I kept showing up even though it was unpleasant in the beginning physically. My mind definitely was not experiencing anything pleasant. I didn't know if I was doing it right. Because I couldn't speak and I couldn't ask. So there is all kinds of doubt. But there was enough willingness. And curiosity. That whatever doubt had shown up didn't overrun the rest of it. And it kept me in on the cushion. And the practice. . . You know, The core practice that the Buddha taught, The meditation aspect, The learning to pay attention to our own mind. And then to pay attention to everything else, Not every second of the day, But when we can. Can definitely bring up things that are unpleasant, Uncomfortable. Things we realize about ourselves that We either didn't know or we were not paying attention to and we realized, Ooh, I got to change that. Mm-hmm. I got to stop saying it that way or stop doing that or whatever it is. I mean. . . It's not all comfortable. In the beginning. But the benefits. . . They just absolutely outweigh those difficult things, Those unpleasant things. I mean, There's just no doubt in my mind, No pun intended. That this practice. Is incredibly valuable. I don't think there's anything else I've done in my life that has offered me so much and asked so little. Basically, It's telling me sit down or walk or lie down or stand and pay attention. Just pay attention. And try to be kind to yourself as you're doing it. And the rest comes. I mean, That's about it. You don't have to sign up for anything. You know, I mean, Buddhism has offered. We call it Dana. There's not someone saying, Oh, Did you pay for your ticket before you came in here? It's not done that way. It's offered freely, And if you think it's valuable, You can make a donation, And if not, That's fine too. You're still welcome. And so many other things in the world. There's a gatekeeper and you've got to pay first. You're not welcome unless you meet whatever the criteria are. Do you have the ticket date? Whatever it is. This is totally opposite. You know, The saying, Ehi pascho, Come and see. The Buddha said countless times. Don't believe me, Don't take my word for it. Like here it is. Try it. And if it works for you, If you find it valuable for your mind and your life, You come back. And if you don't, Well, Okay. It's that straightforward and simple. There's very few things in the world that ask so little of us and offer so much. When we notice the unskillful doubt. The death says, Eh, I can't do this. I'm going to leave. Let's say. Noticing it and naming it, Really important. Like, Oh, There's doubt. Before it runs away with the story, Before Mara tells you all these other things. Well, You should definitely get out of here. Because then if you name it. And you could say, OK, So why do I think? I'm feeling that way right now. What's the truth about this? And you might end up with the same response. You might say, OK, Yeah, I've looked at it, And I'm going to leave. And that's OK. But the idea is to not just react, To respond when these things show up. And responding takes information. It takes right view from the Eightfold Path. Curiosity investigation, Trying to understand what has shown up in my mind, What's the situation at the moment, And why do I think that this has shown up now? It also takes bravery, Right? Courage. Because a lot of times, Let's say the physical aspect, I mean, For me, I had a lot of pain when I sit. And I spoke to my teacher last week, He said, Yeah, You should be sitting on a chair. 1000% you should be sitting in a chair. And, You know. I have a lot of my ego tied up and sitting on the cushion. I've been sitting on the cushion a long time. I don't want to give up the cushion. I would feel physically better if I sat on a chair. And someday you'll come in here and I'll be sitting in a chair. But right now, I haven't put that down. But if you don't have, If you have just an average body and you have average aches and pains, Sometimes it's not comfortable to be sitting in this way. And sometimes we need to sit through that, Just experience a little unpleasant sensations. I'm not telling you to sit in terrible pain. That's not wise. But, You know, If your foot falls asleep for five minutes, It's not the end of the world. Like, That's part of the training is actually getting to sit through things that are unpleasant. Because the world has a whole bunch of them. And if we can sit in a controlled environment where we choose to sit through the unpleasant, Then the things that we don't want anything to do with, But they're going to come anyway. We're stronger. But that takes courage and bravery. And determination. Instead of just giving up, Because it doesn't feel good, I'm gone. That's what happens with doubt. You know, Causes us to run. You know, The other part of it, You hear a teaching, Let's say, Or you open up a book and you read something, And it doesn't make sense. You just don't fully get it. And a lot of different types of doubt can come up. You can say, This is stupid. This writer is no good. This teacher is bad. Whatever it is, You could go there with it. You could go into insecurity and say, Well, I'm just not smart enough. This is not for me. I can't do this. I don't have the education. I haven't done a lot. Whatever, You could turn it towards you. Or we could say you could get curious and investigate. Okay, I don't understand this. That's fair. It's new. Or maybe I've heard it 10 times and I still don't understand it. And there comes the bravery aspect again, So then you ask for help. And so that's the kind of doubt that the antidote is curiosity and investigation. You know, And all the work that the Buddha has laid out for us. As you do it, Repetitively. You get better at it. And when you get better at it, Your confidence increases. And so, If the first time, Let's just say asking a teacher, Like, What does this mean? I've heard this word, And I don't get it. That can be, Like, Uncomfortable and kind of scary to ask a teacher a question, Right? You know, I mean, Definitely in the beginning, I went and tried to find the answer in a book. I didn't want to raise my hand or go up to the teacher afterwards. But after I did it, Then I felt a little more comfortable. You know, The teacher doesn't bite your head off when you ask a question, Right? I mean, I guess maybe some will, But. . . Maybe that's the wrong teacher, But. But then you become confident the next time you have a question. It's easier. To then go ask and find out. So this is all about building up our skills, Our abilities, Our competence. And the more confidence we have in the practice. The Mori practice. The more we practice, The more benefit we receive from the practice, Which increases our confidence. It builds on itself. Just as the Buddha said, Ehipassiko, The confidence is not in the teacher, Although you can have some confidence in the teacher, But that's not what this is about. This is about confidence in the teachings. In some of the Theravada traditions, The teacher teaches behind a screen. So unless you know the teacher's voice. You don't know who's teaching. Because it's not about the teacher. I mean, Yeah, We all have likes and dislikes. You know, You like one teacher better than another, And that's just, You know, Human relations, But it's about the information. It's not about the person giving it. That's really important. And so you gain confidence in the practice. And what the Buddha taught. And your own ability to take these teachings and put them into action in your life. And that is ultimately what it's about. And so if you allow doubt to chase you away from the practice, You don't get to find out what happens if you practice. Right. You know, Where the other four hindrances, They just make you really uncomfortable. And they might make the experiences unpleasant. But for the most part, They won't make you leave the room and not come back, Or doubt can really have that effect. So, Getting to know what it feels like and getting to know how to meet it when it shows up is just so important. Just noticing when those stories pop up. Now let me just read, I think I'll end with this. A long-time dharma teacher. And he said, Sooner or later, All meditators practice with the hindrances. For most, It will be sooner and later, As well as in between. These obstructing mind states should not be seen as unfortunate occurrences. Rather, They are opportunities for strengthening practice, For developing mindfulness, Concentration, Understanding, And non-clinging. And we shouldn't just force them away. We should get to know them, Understand them, And benefit from them. And I think you heard it well, So.