Karuna: Self-Compassion For Chronic Pain

Self-compassion is one of the four heart practices or Brahma-Viharas – sublime states of mind that help open our hearts to loving-kindness, equanimity, appreciative joy, and compassion. This talk I gave originally on a retreat, which explores my experiences healing from chronic pain through the practice of self-compassion.

Transcript

Hello everyone.

Today I'd like to talk to you about compassion,

Specifically self-compassion.

It's a subject that's close to my heart because for many years I had little or none of it.

And as I did learn to develop some,

I realized how valuable it really is.

According to the Buddha,

Compassion is one of the highest virtues because many precious minds grow out of it.

If we want to be kinder,

Calmer,

And just feel okay,

Then we need to work on developing this virtuous state of mind.

For years,

I've suffered with chronic pain.

My reaction was almost always negative.

I had aversion and hatred toward my pain.

I often wondered why me feeling sorry for myself.

The suggestion that there was another way that I could have compassion for myself and for my pain,

And the idea that I could learn to meet pain and suffering with love and kindness was completely eye-opening.

And it seemed a bit far-fetched.

But when I understood this meant accepting my pain,

Not enjoying it,

It made more sense.

So with today's talk,

I hope to bring you some understanding of self-compassion,

A few ideas on how to develop this mind,

Along with my own experiences practicing and developing it.

As I've said,

I've lived with this pain for many years,

And most of the time,

I didn't treat myself as good as I should have.

I endured the physical pain from multiple injuries and the mental and emotional suffering as a result of living with the pain.

That's where I was at.

And while the physical pain has been difficult to deal with,

The emotional side is actually much worse for me.

The pain itself,

It just hurts.

But once the mind gets a hold of it,

All those stories and fears just come out of the woodwork,

And then no amount of heating pads or Advil does anything for that stuff.

The mental suffering compounded the pain and affected my attitude and behavior,

Causing all sorts of additional problems.

The two most common side effects when we suffer and don't offer ourselves compassion are anxiety and depression.

And I definitely experienced those.

One way to describe compassion is the act of meeting pain and suffering with feelings like love and kindness,

And then learning to pay attention and actually care about the pain.

In order to develop compassion,

You must first acknowledge the pain or difficulties that you experience.

Deluding ourselves by pretending discomfort doesn't exist just hinders our ability to be compassionate.

Self-honesty is another hallmark of having compassion for ourselves,

Because lying gets us nowhere.

When we are honest,

Then friendliness and love are possible.

With that being the fact,

Then obviously hating pain is not compassion.

Self-criticism is not compassion.

Ruminating,

No,

Active addiction isn't either.

The list is long of non-compassionate acts we need to look out for.

I truly think the human race is wired with a negative bent.

I know I certainly was.

And maybe that wiring grows out of a protective measure from the past.

Maybe not.

I kind of think so.

And what I mean by that negative bent is our penchant for negative self-talk.

If our ancestors thought they could take on a saber-toothed tiger single-handedly,

Maybe there'd be fewer of us.

For them,

Maybe a self-critical mind was helpful.

Maybe it made them think twice.

That using this inner voice skillfully was a way to protect themselves.

But I think today,

Most of us have this negative inner voice.

And instead of using it to make good decisions and to protect ourselves,

We use it to beat ourselves over the head about bad decisions,

About shame,

Etc.

Basically,

That inner voice,

That inner dialogue is more of a hindrance than just a helpful questioner.

Learning to discern what is helpful questioning and what is just negative self-talk takes wise understanding.

And self-compassion requires being mindful of these negative feelings.

So instead of letting them eat us alive inside,

We can meet them with equanimity when they arise.

Having compassion for ourselves is responding to our pain,

Mistakes and inadequacies with friendliness,

The same type of concern we would show a close friend.

It's softening into our suffering and pain instead of tensing,

Becoming angry and aversive.

We need to be kind to our bodies and our minds and avoid harsh self-judgment when negative thoughts arise.

To thrive,

We have to find it within ourselves to be gentle and encouraging.

To learn to treat ourselves better first requires awareness,

Awareness that we are being unkind,

Obviously if that's the case.

Then we can take action and do things differently.

Understanding then comes intention which results in action.

A big part of turning towards self-compassion is just noticing that change is possible and necessary.

For much of my life,

I didn't know there was any other way to be.

But about 15 years ago,

My wife made a life-changing suggestion to me.

She said that maybe I needed to look at things differently,

That no medicine,

Doctor or surgery was going to make me pain-free.

I had to understand that much of the discomfort was always going to be with me.

Pain was my constant companion.

She mentioned this to me at a doctor's appointment.

We were in the waiting room.

I'm not sure where that wisdom came from,

But it was just there and she shared it with me.

Looking back,

It's hard to remember how I reacted.

I certainly didn't just take it in and accept it immediately.

It took some time to digest what she was telling me.

But when I really took a look at it and realized that I was searching from doctor to doctor,

And surgery,

And medicines,

And therapies,

And not finding relief,

I had expected to become pain-free.

That was not going to happen.

But I really believed that someone behind some door,

Some doctor,

Had the magic fix.

Even though doctor after doctor,

Appointment after appointment was getting me nowhere,

I still thought there was a magic bullet somewhere.

When she said this to me,

And I finally digested it,

I began to realize that there was a different way.

I think the only reason I was able to take that suggestion she made to me and put it into practice,

And it didn't happen right away,

Was because I had been involved with practice at the time.

And even though I didn't know a whole lot,

The practice I had done up until that point opened me up enough that I could take in her suggestion and begin to put it to use.

It wasn't easy.

It wasn't easy to change my entire mindset about how I was looking at my physical condition and the possibility of being fixed completely,

Compared to the fact that as far as my body is concerned,

Nothing much was going to change in the way I had hoped for.

Her idea required me to become friendly and care about my pain.

And while I didn't automatically have a love affair with it,

And I still really don't,

I became able to embrace the idea that this was and is the path that I have to walk.

And since her suggestion,

The change really has been incredible.

My experience going from hating my pain and suffering about it,

To generally accepting it,

Being friendly towards the pain,

And seeing my world change.

I think it was Ajahn Chah who said something like,

Those who have regular physical pain actually have a tool that others do not.

That pain gives an instant window into the body,

Especially when we're meditating.

It took a long time for me to see my pain in a positive light.

And some days I'm still working on it.

But other days I can see how that pain gives me that window directly into the body.

And I can appreciate it,

Even if at times only slightly.

We can,

Those of us with pain,

We can use that pain as a focus,

Using the body as an anchor.

Part of this practice of self-compassion is learning to have a different relationship to our difficulties,

No matter how big or small they are.

And when we relate in a healthy,

Loving way,

So much changes.

So much.

When our attitudes are different,

The way we communicate changes,

And people want to be around us instead of avoiding us.

Each one of us will have different experiences with this,

But the results are always positive when we use wise intention in this direction.

Okay,

So our lives will be better when we treat ourselves well.

That's pretty obvious,

Right?

But the question is,

How do we accomplish this?

So here are a few reliable ways to practice Karuna that I understand.

First is by practicing the Four Noble Truths and the Eightfold Path.

When we do this,

When we put these incredible teachings,

The Buddhist first teachings,

Into practice in our life on a daily basis,

We naturally gain wisdom.

The understanding that we all experience suffering eventually leads us to generate compassion for all beings.

This includes ourselves.

This is a sure way we can cultivate compassion.

But there are other ways to me that seem more direct,

Especially for developing self-compassion.

One that I practice often is practicing the compassion meditation,

But specifically for oneself,

Not adding in the other folks,

Not adding in the benefactors,

The difficult people,

The neutral people,

Just simply saying the compassionate phrases for myself.

When I first started to do this,

It felt weird.

One of my teachers suggested it.

And what I realized is that when I would do any of the Brahma Vaharas,

And the first part of those phrases is turning towards ourself,

Offering loving kindness or compassion or equanimity towards ourself.

When I would do that,

I would just kind of go through the motions.

I wouldn't really put my all into it.

And when this teacher suggested that I do these practices only for myself,

It felt unnatural,

Uncomfortable,

Just weird.

But I just continued to do it day after day.

And it started to first become less uncomfortable.

And then,

Okay.

Until I started to open up and realize that I can't genuinely offer myself compassion and loving kindness and care about myself and not feel weird about it.

That was a big,

Big change.

A big change.

And I think once that started to crack and I opened that door,

My feelings of compassion and the other heart practices towards others got wider and more open and more genuine.

The next thing that really happened after,

You know,

Spending some focused and intentional time with the heart practices towards myself.

I needed to learn to choose to act skillfully.

I needed to intentionally practice self compassion.

I had to make a decision.

I had to set my intention to practice compassion in the areas of body speech and mind.

Specifically,

How we treat our body,

How we speak to ourselves,

And what thoughts we choose to engage in.

When focusing on the body,

Self compassion starts at what we put in it.

How we care for it,

Even what we think about the body.

When we treat this body with care and love,

How we think about ourselves begins to change.

Practicing yoga and other movement modalities.

Those are a good start.

Exercise,

Massage,

All these things are positive.

And I think figuring out what is good for one body versus another is fairly straightforward.

You know what works for you.

It's just a matter of taking those actions.

But following through is another story.

We can know and not do.

We have to choose to do.

These all come down to working that eightfold path.

We have to understand.

Then we have to set our intention.

Then we have to take those actions.

Nourishing the body with good food is critical.

For me,

If I eat junk,

I feel like junk.

Physically and then mentally.

And then making time for self care.

That's another way we can be compassionate towards ourself.

And again,

It takes setting intention.

Not rushing around and not giving ourselves enough time to do what the body needs.

But setting aside time.

Maybe turning the TV off and giving ourselves another 20 minutes to get ready for bed so we're not in a rush.

Or whatever it may be.

But making those choices to act skillfully to take care of this body.

The second and the third,

The speech and mind.

In my understanding,

They go hand in hand.

So this inner dialogue that we have,

We all have.

It's directly connected to what naturally arises in the mind.

Our thoughts that arise and self compassion and our inner dialogue are directly linked.

And it's up to us to deal with them wisely.

So while we don't get to choose,

With thoughts simply rise,

We do have control of what happens once they've arisen.

I might have spoke a bit about this already,

But using wisdom and the skill gained during meditation,

This term mindfulness.

We use this mindfulness to specifically choose what to and what to not get involved in when unwelcome thoughts arise.

So we're just minding our own business,

Washing the dishes,

And some negative thought arises.

It's up to us to choose to not get involved.

Just like during meditation,

When we're following our anchor and a thought arises,

We choose not to get involved and we go back to the breath or whatever our anchor is.

Well here,

We're not in meditation,

We're just out in the world.

And a thought arises which is negative.

We can choose to get involved and then spiral out of control.

And next thing we know,

We're in this negative fantasy and we're treating ourselves poorly.

Or here's we're acting skillfully where wise intention,

Wise understanding,

Wise action all come together.

This negative self talk pops up and we say,

Sorry,

Not today,

And push aside and go on to the next thing.

That's making a choice to treat ourselves with compassion.

The act of wisely working with these thoughts is a self compassionate act.

The last part is of self compassion is being mindful in our actions.

By choosing to act skillfully,

We avoid setting ourselves up to feel bad.

When we pay attention to what comes up and noting if the thoughts or actions are kind,

Neutral or negative,

That's where the choice is.

When we regularly practice this,

This becomes a normal part of our attention,

Of our thought process.

And it allows us to make better decisions in our self talk,

In our speech with others and in our actions.

And when we do this regularly,

Mindful choosing becomes naturalized in a way.

Noticing my thoughts,

Really paying attention to them,

Allowed me to change my actions and ultimately how I feel about myself.

And when we learn to become passionate towards ourselves,

We feel better simply.

And in turn,

This friendliness is projected outwards,

Making the world a better place.

So I hope today that I've offered you something useful.

Some considerations about how to pay attention and care for your own pain with friendliness and how to bring a positive intention into the way you treat yourself.

So thank you for being here and listening today.

Reviews

I cant tell you how helpful ALL of this is to me. I will repeat it until I have made these truths my own. Many thanks, in gratitude .

Thank you. That helped me tremendously as I’m going through radiation post cancer surgery. Ajahn Chah and Ajahn Brahms are both my go to teachers.

This talk reached in took hold of my pain with such kindness. I am walking this path, as challenging as it may be. Thank you Cary

Love this talk. Will finish tomorrow, what I need for my self care in my cronic pain. Thank you so very much 🙏🏻

Truly amazing and so insightful 🙏🙏💞 I appreciate every single part you share in this 💗🌱💫

Inspired and lifted by the gift you gave me today. Accept my pain and have compassion for myself.

Very interesting and helpful! Thank you!

Just what I needed to hear right now - thank you 🙏🏼

as someone who suffers with chronic pain, that hasn't awesome talk. really appreciated your inside

As someone who has lived with chronic pain for 6 years, it was a comfort to feel understood.

Thank you for sharing your story. As one who suffers from chronic pain it is very helpful to me to listen to how you have chosen to work with it through self compassion. I will work with your suggestions and listen to this talk frequently to help me to find the path to acceptance and loving kindness for my self instead of self criticism.

Thank you for sharing your story. I like the way that you emphasize that we must first understand, then focus on our intention, which results in our action. I also liked what you said about the act of setting our intentions; that we should pay attention to the body, our speech, and our thoughts. This has been very helpful, thank you so much.

I think I finally get it...this disease isn’t going to go away. I have to stop hating it and learn to manage it as best I can. Thank you !

I found this talk very relevant and relatable. Although my pain is mostly discomfort now and should heal with time. The Insightful approach to self compassion, and acknowledgment that this feels weird to start, and takes time to really accept - is encouraging. Thank you

Thank you 🙏 That was excellent.

Thank you for sharing this with us. I also have lived for years with chronic pain. I did not have a formalized practice when it began, though I practiced daily, a hodgepodge of foci. Your wife's suggestion echoed the statement that my doctor at the time made when I brought him the diagnostic report from the specialist I had seen.
He said, "You know, this means you're going to have pain every single day for the rest of your life." (I nodded, feeling a strange combination of elation at finally knowing what was wrong, and sadness because of the implications.)
But then he continued on, and to paraphrase the conversation, I am not understating the fact that this initial conversation set me firmly on the most positive path I could have imagined from the very start. He said basically that I would have good days and not-so-good days. There would be excellent days and terrible days. The thing is, I wouldn't know what kind of day it would be until I woke up each morning. And just because today there was a lot of pain doesn't mean that tomorrow couldn't potentially be the best day of my life. I'd just have to have the patience and tolerance with myself to wait and find out.

Those were life-changing, perspective-shifting words to me, said all those years ago. I resumed seeing a clinical hypnotherapist for chronic pain management. I researched the conditions I have so I would have an idea of what could be treated and what I would need to do on my own. My pain was given a name, and my body and I became a team, working together to be the best we could be every moment of every day, accepting and recognizing our best might look radially different even second to second. No more in-fighting. If my body cannot go for that long walk, my heart, mind, and spirit acknowledges that with compassion and love, and finds something to do that is feasible. If my heart, mind, and spirit is dealing with depressive thoughts, my body acts with caring and compassion, gently bring in thoughts of how good I feel after a short stroll or finishing some simple task and crossing that off my to-do list.

It works for me. I have a functional medicine doctor who works with my combined care team. I have very few prescription medications but many supplements, with bloodworm every 6 months to ensure I remain at optimal levels of the basics like calcium, magnesium, iron, etc. The majority of my pain management has been lifestyle and perspective change, though.

This talk echoed that experience so gracefully. I am very glad to have listened to it, and am grateful too that you have been able to find ways to successfully co-exist with your pain. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I see the light within you. 🤲🏻❤️🤲🏻