Circles Of Control To Know Your Boundaries

Of all the things we can worry about, only some dwell within our full control. We can influence others. But many of our worries are entirely outside of our control. Bringing awareness to the difference between that which we can control, influence, or neither can be an important way to reduce anxiety and stress. Join Greg on this walking meditation, or listen wherever you are most comfortable.

Transcript

Welcome, And thanks for joining in this way. My name is Greg. Throughout most of my life, I've had the good fortune or privilege of generally living without anxiety. I realize that this is unusual, And I am very grateful for this general state. However, Recently things have changed a little bit, And I have become more anxious. I can attribute this to a combination of things, Maybe me getting older. I was born in 1980, So I've hit arguably middle age. My kids are both still under 10, But getting older and venturing further afield. And then there's the COVID-19 pandemic. And I believe that's set all of us on edge a little bit, If not a lot. And right now I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with all that's going on in the world. I know I have some responsibilities to address the things that are wrong in the world. And I also have to maintain my own mental health. A tool we use with our kids is called the circles of control. And generally we use it in the binary, That which we can control and that which we can't control. And the idea is that it makes it easier to manage life because we recognize that some things are just out of our control and that's supposed to make it easier to deal with their being. And it also helps us to tune into the things that are within our control so that we can control those better. So I'm going to go for a walk and I invite you to come along and we'll consider the circles of control. Now I add another layer of complexity for older children and adults, Which is the circle of influence, Because it's not quite the neat binary of inside a circle of control and outside a circle of control. But why don't you come with me for a walk? You might pause this while you get ready. And let's consider the circles of control. I'm walking on the traditional territory of the Lekwungen speaking peoples. And I offer gratitude for the wisdom they have passed on, For the ways in which they took care of this land. And I seek reconciliation and right relationship. It's always good to check in, Even if just a quick scan to see what tension exists. Sometimes we know the cause of tension, Say in the hips or back, Shoulders. And other times we don't. But the first step always is awareness. How are you moving differently than you otherwise might? What joints aren't as fluid as you might otherwise like? If you're walking, How are your feet making contact with the ground? Take note of the rhythm. Notice what part of the foot makes contact first with the ground. We're not seeking to change anything necessarily, Just to notice. How is the ground responding to the weight that you apply to it? I'm guessing it's supporting you in some way. I often consider this support as symbolic of how the earth supports us. How it provides nourishment. How it endures, Even if we mistreat it. I also take it as symbolic of how God or the sacred supports us. Whatever burdens we need to set down, They'll be supported. And it's less about putting down our burdens and forgetting about them. Putting them at God's feet, For example, And saying, Here God, You deal with this. Or ignoring the plight that happens in the world. And more about recognizing that when we can share the load, Then the load is that much lighter. There is freedom in knowing that we're not alone, Even though the path forward is hard. Even when the stressors are real and important. Just knowing that there is support. That there is enough love to take these on. And provide peace. Sometimes knowing we're supported means giving ourselves permission to not take on certain challenges. Each of us has a circle of control. Or imagine three circles of varying degrees of control. In the innermost circle, Actual control are the things that we have full control over. Or at least we have the semblance of full control over. I have full control over what I eat. I have full control over what I wear. I have mostly full control over what kind of work that I do. Some of the things we control are the result of privilege. Luck. I have a lot of control over how I spend my time. What am I going to do with this one precious life? It's largely within my control. The next circle is a circle of influence. We don't have full control over it. But we can certainly influence it. A lot of social challenges, Environmental challenges might fall in that category. These are things that I can influence even if I don't have full control over them. I'm not writing the laws, But I can influence those who are. And finally, Outside the circle of influence is everything else. There are some things that I can control, Some things that I can influence, And some things over which I exert no control or influence. What's happening on the other side of the globe, For example, Might fall into the category of no control. And some would say the only way to know the boundaries between these circles is wisdom. Previous experience or teachings from other people. It's hard to know the difference between that which I can influence even if just a little bit, And that which is completely beyond my control. And it's shifting too. What was once completely beyond my control when I was, Say, An infant, Is now fully within my control. That which I only loosely influenced before might be fully in my control. Likewise, Things that I could control before might be only things that I can influence. Or maybe they're completely outside my influence. So it shifts. And this can be stressful. So in this practice we're going to spend some time with some things that are going on in our lives, And determine into which circle they fall. Full control, Some influence, Or no control or influence. Start with something happening in a relationship that's important to you. What is a cause of stress in a relationship that is important to you? Maybe a family member or close friend. Consider aspects of the relationship that are within your full control. Likely the things you say are within your full control. Likely the things you do are within your full control. But also consider the things that are not within your control. What the other person says is not within your control. What the other person does is not within your control. What about your thoughts? To what degree do you believe you can control your thoughts? What would it take to move the other person's thoughts or actions from completely beyond your control to within your influence? If this other person who is close to you is saying hurtful things, How can you invite them to say kind things? How can you communicate compassionately to exert some influence so that your relationship can flourish? You can't control their actions or their speech, But you can influence it. Consider how you might exert that influence compassionately. Consider another source of stress in your life. Maybe there's a current issue, So to speak, That is causing you worry. Notice what happens in your body as you direct your attention to something that's causing you worry. What is it about this issue that is within your control, Fully within your control? What about your influence? What is it about this issue that is under your influence in some capacity, Even if just small? And maybe it's the case that what's left is completely beyond your control, At least at this point in time, This stage in life. Some proportion will be completely beyond your control. And maybe there are ways to move that which is beyond your control to being within your influence. Like changing your work, Changing the groups you're involved with. And sometimes this is worthwhile. And other times we need to be at peace, Just knowing there are things that are beyond our control, Especially with big issues. Consider another aspect of your life, Your work. Or maybe your studies. Maybe your retirement. What is it about this project, Let's say, That is causing you stress? What are your worries? And what aspect of that project, Say your work or your studies or your retirement project, Are fully within your control? What aspects of how you spend much of your time are fully within your control? And what are the things about this life project, At this point in your life, That are only under your influence, But not under your full control? Now consider possibilities for movement, But in contrast to what we just did for the big social issue, Let's consider what is fully under your control, That you might move to being under only your influence. Maybe there are decisions that someone else could make that you could influence, But it's under their control. Maybe there are tasks or smaller projects that are presently under your full control, But they could move to being under only your influence, And under somebody else's control. And now consider something that you've kept within your influence, But now is the season in life to let it go outside of your influence entirely. Is there anything about your life's work, Your life's project, That needs to move from the realm of your influence to beyond your influence? In this practice of moving things from the inside toward the outside, So from the inner circle of complete control into either the circle of influence or beyond influence entirely, How do you respond physically, Mentally, Spiritually to that notion? If we are to thrive, We have to have meaning and purpose, And that means exerting our influence and exerting our control in ways that are kind and compassionate and consistent with the invitation to create new life. That's necessary. And it's also necessary for our own well-being to create boundaries and limits to this. To look at an issue or a situation and say, That's beyond my control, I'm not going to worry about it. Of course, It's easier to say than it is to do. But that's what we need to do. That's the practice of equanimity, Recognizing that there are people who are hungry, And I can do something about that, But I can't do everything about that. I might recognize that there are unhealthy relationships, And I can do something about the relationship even if I can't do something about the other person's behavior. Wisdom is about knowing the boundaries between control, Influence, And beyond our control or influence. We need to let be some things, And we need to pick up other things. Run with them. I invite you to continue this practice of sorting out your stressors into these circles, And consider aspects of each of the stressors in your life, And whether each aspect is under your control, Or under your influence, Or under neither, Beyond both. And once you're happy with the boundaries you've created, Let that be. Just breathe with it. You might need to let somebody know that you've done that. In case there's a duty and responsibility that you're letting go, Someone else might need to pick that up. Or not. A lot of what we do actually needs to be done by nobody. But a lot of what we do needs to be done by somebody, Even if that somebody isn't us. And each form of injustice needs somebody to work on it. Maybe it's us, Maybe it's not. And then we are to rest, Knowing we are beloved. Knowing that we were endowed with certain gifts, Certain talents, But not all. And that's okay. May you find equanimity. Until next time, I'm Greg. Peace.