Just For Today Series-Tool 6: Compassionate Communication

Just For Today is a series of quotes and reflections inspired by an Al-Anon bookmark by the same name. While the words—and the thoughts I share—may resonate with those affected by someone else’s drinking, their wisdom reaches far beyond that experience, inviting insight and growth for all of us.

“Today’s quote and reflections center on cultivating mindfulness and developing healthier ways of relating to loved ones, colleagues, and others affected by alcoholism or other substances, while also deepening our relationship with ourselves and communicating more clearly with others.”

Transcript

Welcome to tool number six in the Just for Today series inspired by the Al-Anon bookmark by the same name. Today's quote reads, Just for today, I will be agreeable. I will look as well as I can. Dress becomingly, Keep my voice low. Be courteous. Criticize not one bit. I won't find fault with anything nor try to improve anybody but myself. Now, That's kind of a tall order. The tool was written for people, Friends, Loved ones, Colleagues, And others who are in relationship with someone who's suffering from the dis-ease of alcoholism. But as I've shared in the original description of the series, These tools can apply to our lives in a broader way. First, I'd like to share some thoughts about how the tool relates to our relationships with people who are suffering from alcohol or other substance use. And then I have a few thoughts about how the tool can help us in our relationships with our lives in general and with ourselves. In relationship with someone who's suffering from the disease of alcoholism or other substances, It may be a really challenging situation. Our needs may go unmet, We may feel triggered in numerous ways. And as a result of that, We may criticize our loved ones, Or a colleague, Or again, It could be anyone who's suffering from the dis-ease of a substance. And so that can cause more strife and stress, Both within ourselves and within our relationships. We may criticize a person for behaving in a way we don't think is appropriate, For not doing something the way we want it done. And basically, I know from my own experience that what it boils down to is wanting to feel safe, Wanting to feel like I count and I matter. But the problem is in wanting other people to change, We cause more stress for ourselves and for them as well. And we may feel disappointed, Hurt, Angry, And a host of other emotions. And generally, The person who's suffering from a substance is issue may already feel really bad about themselves and so of course it's not our responsibility to fix that. But how do we want to be in relationship? How do we want to show up? Because we do have a choice for that. Our immediate knee-jerk reaction may be to act out. But is that something that helps us feel better? And is it something that helps us improve our relationship with that person? Um. . . So. . . In a way, It's developing a sense of mindfulness about what triggers us, About how to get our needs met in a way that is enriching for ourselves without putting undue pressure or expectations on that other person. And. . . So we can be agreeable. In ways that support us, That express our needs, And that also respects the other person. So for instance, I was thinking a lot about Marshall Rosenberg and nonviolent communication. And there's a four-step model that I have practiced and that I think is really helpful. I actually took a training with him many years ago in New York, A weekend workshop, As well as have read. His books and listen to many podcasts related to non-violent communication. So there are four components of it. The first is making an observation. The second is tuning in to how we're feeling. The third is recognizing what our need is. And the fourth is making a request. So this is really about communicating, Right, And being agreeable in terms of expressing our needs. So I have three examples that I hope you find helpful. So the first is, Let's say a person comes home late, Has a habit of coming home late from work, Or from whatever they're doing. It's dinner time. They haven't communicated with us. We've made dinner. We're waiting for them. It's a special time for us. We like to sit down, Eat together, Spend time together. So here's how this four-part model may work out in that situation. Observation. When you come home late without letting me know, I feel angry and frustrated. Because dinner is getting cold and I value spending time together over dinner. Would you be willing to call or text me when you know you're going to be more than 15 minutes late? So, Observation, When you come home late without letting me know. Feeling, I feel angry and frustrated. Because. . . We're getting into the need. Dinner is getting cold and I would like to spend, And I value spending time together over dinner. And the request, Would you be willing to call or text me when you know you're going to be more than 15 minutes late? So it's expressing ourselves, We don't have any control over what that person says or does, But we can continue on in a communication model where we then listen to what they say. And we respond. From a place of balance. Now I'm not going to get into a whole communication model here in terms of you know listening and responding but the idea is to stay centered and and hear what the person is saying, Hear their objections, Paraphrase back what you're hearing them say. And when they're done expressing themselves, We kind of like step aside a little bit, Right, To listen. And then when they're done expressing their self, Their self, Sorry, We can come back and then come back to what we need and how we feel. And in taking the time to listen to their frustrations or what's going on with them, You know, Maybe, Well, My boss didn't tell me that I had to work overtime. I didn't know until the last minute. You know wow it sounds like you're really frustrated and that you didn't have the time to call me you know and then we can come back to well are there some ways you know what else might be possible so that I can also get my needs met and know that you're going to be late so we can get into problem solving together. Another example is, Let's say you're with someone, And it could be anyone. It could be a friend. It could be your partner. It doesn't really matter. And when you're with that person, Maybe you're out for a walk, And the phone rings, And they take a call, And they just get into a conversation. A general conversation, Not something that's urgent or important. And, You know, What are the feelings that come up around that? This comes up for me. So this is an honest example. So observation, When you answer the phone and speak to someone when we're together, I feel dismissed and unimportant. Because I need to feel heard and valued. Request, Would you be willing to let the call go into voicemail unless it's an emergency? Or let's say, Would you be willing to call that person back unless it's an emergency? And the third example, This is also one that has come up for me. Let's say you're a non-smoker and the person that you're with smokes anyway, Even though that person knows that maybe you have asthma. And it hurts your lungs when they smoke, But they do it anyway. So, Okay, So there are some other possibilities to whether or not you wanna spend time with that person or not, But just to give you an example. When you smoke, When we're out together, Observation, I feel hurt because the smoke burns my lungs. Would you be willing not to smoke when we're together? So, You know, Again, It's taking the situation that is confronting you and observing what is the bottom line, What exactly is going on. And then tuning into a hurt, Or excuse me, Tuning into a feeling, Rather than, You know, You never treat me well, Or you always smoke when we're together, And it really makes me mad. That's blaming and judging. We want to come back and take responsibility for ourselves. That's the bottom line. Without subjugating ourselves, You know, To remain in our own sense of power and balance, But our needs are important. And if those needs continue to be unmet, Like in this case of smoking, I let that relationship go. Because I felt like I wasn't. Being heard and not only that the person knew that it hurt me so why I had to re-evaluate. That relationship and whether or not I wanted to continue with it. So we have that choice as well. Now of course if we're talking about someone who is high whether it's on alcohol or another substance and or when emotions are running high it's not the right time to have this conversation. It's best to wait until everyone feels calmer and is able to communicate more clearly and that's really important because you know when two people are having a hard time together, It's really tough to listen. And so that is really an important tip. You know, Another aspect of being agreeable is in a relationship with ourselves. How are we treating ourselves? Are we talking to ourselves in a voice that is critical? Or are we supporting ourselves and encouraging ourselves? Being mindful again of our self-talk is so important to our self-esteem, To our feelings of confidence, Of value. And so being mindful of how we're treating ourselves. I love to look in the mirror in the morning and just say, Wow, You look great today, Girl. Or I love you. Many of us feel really out of sorts about speaking out loud, Particularly if we're not the only ones in the house. Speaking out loud and telling ourselves lovely things about ourselves, Even if we've made a mistake, You know, Or feel uncomfortable about something, You know, Wow, You know, Yes, I take responsibility for this mistake and I'm mindful of it and I'm going to make an amend. You know, It's finding ways to really build ourself up, Not in terms of egocentrically, But in knowing that we count and what we do and say matters. So, That could be a wonderful affirmation. I count and what I do matters. And sometimes repeating an affirmation like that several times can really renew and re-energize us. I count and what I do matters. I count and what I do matters. I count and what I do matters. And saying that in the mirror can be really, Really helpful. Know, The part about dressing becomingly, Okay, We all have different standards. I usually like to just wear jeans. But, You know, Sometimes if we're in relationship with someone who is suffering from the dis-ease of alcoholism or another substance, We may feel tired and worn out. We might not give a hoot about what we look like. And that can also affect our self-esteem, Our sense of self-worth. So turning back the mirror on ourselves in a good way and perhaps taking a little bit more time to be mindful about how we're dressed, About how we look. I'm not saying if you're a woman, You know, Go put your makeup on in the morning, Maybe you do and maybe that's something you like to do and that's great. Um. . . But it's really about, You know, What do I need to do? What does my body want to wear today? You know, What would make me feel good wearing today? And that's true regardless of our gender. Um. . . You know, How can I live my best life today? And what does that look like? And sometimes these shifts can be hard to make if we're feeling frustrated and worn out and tired or grieving. But again, Being mindful gives us choice. And also our posture can make a huge difference. So if we're slumped over, We're likely to feel more downhearted. But if we put our shoulders back and put our head up, It really shifts our feelings. Our mind and body are intricately connected. So there are various aspects of today's tool which can empower us to make choices that support us as well as our relationships. And whether we're in relationship with someone who's suffering from alcoholism or another substance, Or we're being hard on ourselves, We can look for the good, Both in them and in us. I have done an exercise when I was teaching public school teachers who were working on their master's degrees and having a hard time with some of the students in their classroom and I learned this from a woman, Edith Stouffer, And it's called Good Rumors, Where you look for something positive in the person. Or, In this case, In ourselves as well. And it could even be that, You know, Wow, That person has their hair in place today. Or, Wow, You know, Today I looked in the mirror and I said something nice to myself. Or today I, You know, I look pretty good today. I mean, It could be anything, Right? Of the teachers with the classrooms, The good rumors could be, Wow, John finished his homework yesterday. You know, Or Mary is sitting quietly today, Whatever it might happen to be, The idea is to find something good even if it's just a hair on someone's head that's in place and to acknowledge that. Whether we do it out loud or whether we acknowledge it silently to ourselves will help us develop an appreciation both for the person we're in relationship with and for ourselves. What we appreciate appreciates. So. . . There are a lot of different things that this tool touches on, And I really hope you found something in today's talk that was helpful. Whether it's in communication with someone you know, Love, Is your neighbor, Or whether it's in relationship with yourself. And if you haven't yet listened to the first five tracks in the Just for Today series, I invite you to take a little time and see how those might resonate with you as well. And please come back again for the next tool. Um. . . Tool number seven, I believe, Is what we'll be on when we explore the topic of having a program. Thanks so much for listening today. Really appreciate your taking the time to tune in here. I know we all live very busy lives. And once again, I hope you found today's tool helpful. If so, I'd love to hear how it may have supported you in your life and your relationships. As always, Wishing you a most wonderful day. Bye for now.