Inside The Midnight Carnival: Writing With The Loop (Replay)

This replay is part of my 4-week *Inside the Midnight Carnival* series.

In this session, we explore the loops that keep returning—the thoughts, feelings, and inner patterns that circle back through our lives asking to be witnessed in a new way.

Through a guided writing practice, you’ll move in three parts:
first through stream-of-consciousness writing, then into a direct dialogue with the loop itself, and finally into a witnessing from the higher self.

This is a replay of a live class, so you are invited to move at your own pace. If you’d like more time with any of the writing prompts, simply pause the video and stay with what is unfolding.

Come with a journal, an open heart, and a willingness to listen more deeply to what keeps returning.

This replay is one of four in the *Inside the Midnight Carnival* series.

Transcript

So welcome, Everyone. Welcome, Welcome. Let's get to it. Let's get to it. This is the third in the four-week series of automatic writing into the environments of The Midnight Carnival, Which is a book I recently published. It's a map of healing, Of getting to know yourself, Of really becoming a partner with your soul in a lot of ways. So each environment in the book is different. Originally, We went to the inner child refuge, Which is really about tapping into the inner child, Right? Your own inner child. The matron's tent and there's so many levels and layers to it but we worked with the word beloved each environment is a little bit different and today we're going to work with the loop and the loop is an environment it's actually the environment is the subconscious dreamscape it's a place where you can see your loops things the patterns that continue happening and begin to witness it so that they can unravel a bit all of us have loops all of us have patterns and be teachers for us. Like where we loop when we're doing it subconsciously or unconsciously are actually teachers for us. I'll talk a little bit about automatic writing. Today, We're going to actually write in three parts. The first part we write about is going to be not automatic writing, But stream of consciousness to try to find what loops want to come out, What loops want to be seen, What loops that we have that want to kind of be recognized and seen so that they can be unraveled. And that'll be more of a stream of the same time, The beginning of automatic writing, Right? It's that tool that helps us begin to automatically write and channel through that writing. The second writing we'll be doing is going to be automatic writing with the loop itself. And this is when automatic writing gets so beautiful because you can automatically write, Not just with your higher self, Your angels, Your inner child, Right? You can automatically write with energies within your life. With the loop itself. The third part is going to be writing with our higher self, The part of us that witnesses. That is going to be the third automatic writing that we do, Where we kind of learn now. We've heard from the loop and we begin to process and integrate and gain insights about that loop and how it might want to be heard, To be seen. So let's get to it. Stream of consciousness is actually just a tool that leads to automatic writing flowing with stream of consciousness. Stream of consciousness writing is just putting your pen down and not letting it stop. And it may be you have these critic thoughts or parts that say, Oh, I can't say that because if that came out on paper, All right. That, By the way, That happens to me all the time. But stream of consciousness is just writing and it might make nonsense. It might be stuff that really, Really meets with where you're at in the moment. But stream of consciousness is just not letting your pen stop. Then we're going to move into automatic writing. With automatic writing, It's when stream of consciousness begins to, When you have that moment where the pen just keeps going and there's like a lightness that happens. You just, All of a sudden you're just writing and you're not really paying attention. To what's coming out, Where you might be paying attention to it, But it's kind of on its own track. And we get to automatic writing by intention. So when we stream of consciousness write, We're just going to be writing about what's looping in our life, Right? And then when we get to automatic writing, The intention is to work with that loop, To speak to that loop directly. And it might start with a sentence or two of stream of consciousness writing, Begin to allow the flow of the pen. When you are writing stream of consciousness and automatic writing, If your pen wants to stop, It is okay to say, My pen wants to stop, And just write that. You just keep going. Just make sure your pen moves. So just know, As long as the pen is moving, You are golden, My friend. You are golden. Before we begin anything, Let's just arrive. Let's just. . . Find ourselves in the present moment. All right. I invite you to close your eyes. Bring your awareness inward. And notice, Wear your breath. Is moving your body it might be like your shoulders or your chest might be your belly or your ribs just notice Maybe you notice stillness and that's totally fine. Just no judgment. Just being aware of where your breath is. And if you have anything going on in your body as you bring your awareness into it, Like let it move. Maybe it wants to shake or maybe it wants to. Oh, My hands want to shake right now, Right? Maybe it wants to stretch or maybe it wants. Maybe your body wants to adjust. Maybe your leg wants to be a certain way. Let that happen just so you can be here now. And take a breath in through your nose. Open your mouth and sigh it out. Just releasing on that sigh. Anything that. . . You feel you have to do, You did, Whatever, Just letting it all go. Inhaling through your nose. And on the exhale, Let everything settle. You might even begin to feel the weight of your body. You might feel the weight of your legs or your thighs. The weight of your feet on the ground. Just breathing. In through the nose and out through the mouth. And you can do it at your own pace. Ah. As you inhale, You can imagine bringing up all the stuff that you don't need right now or anything that's like lingering. Hanging out in the body. All of that just inhaling, Bringing it up. And then you can imagine sighing it out or blowing it out. All that stuff from the outside world. All that stuff that's not yours. All the stuff that you hold for everybody else. Anything that's not yours. So bring it all up with that inhale. You could blow it out or sigh it out. Check in with your body. Does anything need to move or wiggle or adjust? Inhaling bringing everything up that's not yours everything that you hold for the outer world, The world around you, Right? Bring it up. Sigh it or blow it out. One more time, Inhaling. It might be all the stuff in your day, All the roles you play, All the responsibilities you have. Just bring them up. Everything that's not yours. And exhale it out. And just notice for a minute, Notice if there's anything that needs to be softened or anything that is a little softer. Maybe you could. . . Soften the jaw a little just by bringing awareness. Just bring your awareness to your jaw. You can invite it to soften. And the muscles around the eyes invite them to soften for a minute. Maybe the muscle of the mind. Inviting the muscle of the mind to soften. Even think about your chest. Bring your awareness to your chest. Softening around your chest. Anything that's not yours, Let it go with each exhale. Maybe your belly, Softening your belly. Or your hips. And then just release that. And be with your. . . Awareness in your body and see if you can pick up a pulse. Almost like an inner life. Can you sense that? Can you sense an inner knowing? We're going to be going into the loop today, The loops that we find ourselves in. The thinking loop. The emotional loops. Everyday loops. It takes courage to do that. Courage because it's all about authenticity. Relieving judgment at the door. We're calling on the courage and the truth. In the end, We are all okay. So take a breath in. Exhale it out. And in with your awareness. Inwardly Just ask yourself, What? Has been repeating lately. What has been repeating lately? Just notice any sensations. We're not looking for an answer right now. Notice what pops up, Maybe an image or a memory. Just notice, No judgment. What has been on repeat lately? And breathe into that question. What has been on repeat lately? And when you're ready, You can begin to blink open your eyes. And I am just going to read a few sentences. From the Midnight Carnival. And then we're going to work into stream of consciousness writing. Something new. Had nested there. Not a memory. Not yet a name, But a question. Who am I? And though no voice answered, The question didn't echo into emptiness. It lingered alive. Luminous. So just allowing, Just this lingering, What is repeating in me? What is repeating in me? When you put your pen to the paper, Just allow and i'll give you some questions you can write at the top if you want allow your pen to go What keeps returning? The thing I keep circling is. So you can start with. . . Those words and you can write that question over and over and over let your hand move sometimes when we first enter into stream of consciousness we have a lot of stuff going on in our mind right we have a lot of stuff so you might end up dumping out a few things first before you find yourself catching onto a thread and that's totally normal totally normal so what keeps returning that thing i keep circling is And those things that keep circling and returning, It might be a habit. It might be a word. It might be something your body does. It might be a thought. It might be something you reach for, Right? It could be anything. It might be a symbol or an image, Something that keeps coming up for you. Remember, Keep your pen moving. So the next thing we're going to do is I'm going to read another small excerpt and then we're going to begin to write into automatic writing with the loop or the thing that keeps returning for you. You are going to pick one if you had a few or maybe you just wrote into one and that's beautiful. And you're going to turn your page, Write that loop on top because we are now going to write and we're going to ask questions to that loop, That thing that is returning over and over again, Right? And it might be something that's been looping for a long time. It might be something that just started, Right? It could be something that's been all of your life be something that's brand new for me it's something that started just recently so write that at the top And we're going to ask the loop questions. And we're going to be automatically writing with this repetition, With this pattern, With this loop. So you're gonna be asking the question to the loop. So I'm going to read a little, Just a small passage. There was a woman. With laughter. That was so brittle it shattered into pieces all around her. Anessa could feel her. Caught in a loop. Just beneath the surface of something important. She was barely contained in it. The loops continued. There was a woman repeating the same tasks over and over again. Folding a pair of socks. Wringing her hands, Slapping her own face, Looking up and then laughing, Folding, Wringing, Looking, Slapping and laughing. Her lips were chewed raw and her eyes were blank. The loops were fractals of experience. And the dream world here at the Midnight Carnival warped into repetition. So the visitors could sense the loop itself. We're going to ask some questions and remember we're asking the thing that is returning to you what keeps returning right the loop Why do you keep returning? What are you protecting? What do you want to say? You have whatever that thing is returning for you at the top of your page. We are now asking that question to that loop. So pick one, Go ahead and write with it. Don't let your pen stop with that intention that we're writing with that loop. Allow it to start a stream of consciousness, Keep your hand moving, And you'll feel that gentle shift when it becomes a little bit more poignant. All of a sudden you're like, Hmm, This is not necessarily me, Right? Why do you keep returning? What are you protecting? Or what do you want to say? Another question you could play with is, What are you trying to show me? What are you trying to show me? So we'll go another two minutes. And if you feel like you want to. It can be a good idea to go back and read a little bit through what you've automatically written here and maybe there are some points that are important maybe something hits like the nail on the head right maybe something like when you wrote it you were like oh my god that's it right that's what happened to me just now So you might want to go through and just underline. Or circle or star or italicize. If you want, You can keep writing for the next minute and a half or you can go ahead and look through and just really find those nuggets that are important that hit you the right way. All right, Take a breath. This is deep stuff. The things that we do subconsciously, Unconsciously, That happen over and over again that we loop, These are big teachings. They are big learnings. And sometimes they go back, You know, To ancestry. Sometimes they're things that have been in a family for a really long time. Sometimes they're small things. What's really interesting is I'm finding that mine is a big ancestry thing. And so it's not only me, But I've been working very deeply with my paternal ancestry. And it's coming through now in one of the loops that I've had, Probably for about three months now. You know, You think you do this thing just because it's in this life, But sometimes they're connected to, You know, We're all here to heal the ancestral wounds. This is this timeline. We are here to heal. We came here. We chose to come here. Heal these ancestral wounds so they're going to come through in all different ways so if you have one of those going on take a breath be proud of yourself to actually look at it to see it to write it you know that's that's the beginning right and it's it's really about seeing it so just take a breath be grateful for yourself for your courage for like looking at these things that we repeat right inhaling just bring in the love right and exhaling And you might want to like shake your hand out a little, Just let your head or your neck go for a minute. And just be present one more time. This time we're going to automatically write with our higher self. And this brings in the insights and the learnings how can i go further with this if i need to right how do i truly see this right how do i see this and how do i gain what i need to from it So I'm going to read one more small. Passage. And I'm going to start with the passage I finished with last time just to give you another reiteration of that, Right? The loops were fractals of experience. And the dream world here at the Midnight Carnival warped into repetition so the visitors could sense the loop itself. She looked over to herself walking in a spiral with her eyes wide and vacant without thinking three words escaped her mouth I see you. Her own image looked back at her, And as she did, The downward spiral extended up to the sky in a staircase of light. So sometimes it's just about witnessing, Just about that part of us that witnesses, Our higher self that witnesses. And when we can see it, We integrate it. So we're going to be writing from our higher self and we're going to work with that idea of fully seeing the loop. So you might ask, What do I need to know about this? Right. What do I need to know about this? Or what do I need to see? Right. I see you. What do I need to see? And when you think about that question, What do I need to see? Whenever I play with inner vision or playing with the words around vision or inner vision, I always think macroscopically and microscopically. Like, Can I put that loop under a microscope? What am I missing? What do I need to see? Right? That's like the microscopic. Panning back, Macroscopic. When you look at it in full within your life, Like the loop, But then look back at it in your life and how it echoes out in all different areas, What do you see? What are you missing here? You know what do you need to see what can i do to truly witness this in my life and to untangle it unravel it so those are some questions you can ask so start with a new page write whatever question you want on the top am i not seeing microscopically macroscopically what am i not seeing what do i need to know to unravel, Right? To untangle. What do I need to know? And when you're writing, If it's getting, I'm finding it getting very. . . Going very deep like make sure you're breathing breathing in As you're writing, You can even think about doing a clearing breath blowing out through your mouth. Cool stream of air so if it starts to get intense for you like I said this takes courage if it starts to get intense for you as you're writing you can inhale through your nose out through the lips like a soft, Cool stream of air like you're blowing out a candle. That we are constantly replenishing and clearing, Replenishing and clearing. As you're writing and I find sometimes that can really help with automatic writing as well. Beautiful. So I'm just going to give you an example of what I was writing. I was writing about joy and. . . I've been getting these bubblings of joy, Right? These bubblings of joy. And every time they happen, I'm in my house and I feel like everyone around me goes, What are you, Crazy? I just have this upwelling of joy. And I find that when someone starts to judge me in the house, Like my kids or my husband or someone, I just. Oh, I pull it down. Right. There is a long line of mothers in my father's family that have done the same thing. A long line. Feel it. I feel like I could fly when I feel it come up. Like I get so excited and it's just and I don't even I don't feel muscles moving. I'm just kind of like, Ah, Right. And so that that tampering because I'm. Feeling the judgment from people is part of that loop for me. When I asked the loop, What do you want to say? It was about letting myself dim my light for the comfort of others. But it was really important for me. The loop is about feeling that high energy and that dimming. And the loop was talking about, I don't want you to miss it. I want you to feel it because you can't let this keep going. When I went with my higher self, It looked at it in a micro way, Right? It's about safety. It's about feeling safe to feel joy. And that is so deep in my ancestral. Lineage, Feeling safe enough to feel joy. And then as I looked at a macro, It was, Wait a minute, You need to make sure your kids feel safe enough to feel joy. When you pull back immediately feeling judgment, All of a sudden it's not safe for them to feel joy and it's an entire environment. So it was really beautiful writing and there was a lot deeper stuff too in that. I mean, I don't know how you get much deeper than that. It was just from like my stream of consciousness that that's what I've been looping around. Every time I feel joy, I feel judged by somebody, Right? And then all of a sudden it goes into this trying to show me the difference, The contradiction of my energy and when it clings up, Right? When it dims. And then when moving into my higher self, It's about safety and giving that safety to my kids to express joy, Feel joy. Like, Yeah, You can jump up and down when you're joyful, Right? So I hope that you too had some of those insights for yourself come through. So much that this is courageous work because it's looking at a place that we're looping. That is a place where you're looping, Where you have something, Even if it's like addiction, Right? These are places that are vulnerable. And for us to look at them and say, Okay, What do I need to know? Look at it deep. Look at it in a microscopic way. What is going on? Look at it in the whole environment that it's around and what is going on. This is vulnerable. And so when we come to it and we are courageous, I mean, I just feel like our soul begins to brighten just a little bit more each time, Right? So this is big work, My friends. And I just, I'm so proud of you. So yeah, So thank you so much for joining around. If you need a moment, You can write further into anything. If you had one or two or three loops, You can do those, You know. Thank you all for coming, My friends. I am so honored to have you here with me. Namaste, My friends.