Don’t Be Fooled: Have Expectations
In this talk you will learn to create expectations that serve you. You will also find out what kind of expectations make you fall behind, and understand why you build expectations in the first place. Expectations are not good or bad, they exist whether we want to or not. How we interpret and deal with them is the important detail.
Transcript
When you meet your best friend,
Do you think that he will hug you like he always does?
When you visit your parents,
Will your mom bake a cake like she does every Sunday?
When you go to work on Monday,
Do you think your colleagues will be there?
If your answer to any of these is yes,
Then you have expectations.
This feeling of knowing that something will happen a certain way in the future serves you because you can choose to go to places where your expectation is for something good to happen.
So,
Today we're looking at expectations.
We're trying to understand under what circumstances expectations can serve you and under which they don't serve you.
We will find out what type of expectations leave you disappointed and why.
Our goal is to also understand when to build expectations and how to deal with them when they are not met.
Mavandeke Kindembo said,
It can be said that the laws of attraction are simply in the art of expectation.
So,
Let's attract a great life together.
Let us start with something positive.
Having expectations lets you navigate your life in a way that you can make it beautiful and filled with happiness.
You go into places and connecting with people where you expect a good outcome.
And that is very important.
When you meet up with your best friend,
You expect good things to happen.
On the other hand,
Expectations make you avoid a person who is toxic because you would expect not to have a good and not a great time.
So,
Your expectations allow you to have the biggest chance for development and happiness.
Now,
This brings me to my next point,
Which is that even though there is a big chance that something will happen,
Nothing is 100% certain.
You will get disappointed and you will have to deal with your expectations not being met.
The best way to do so is to embrace your flexibility.
There are a million different ways to react to the unexpected and the best reactions come out of your flexible mind.
Flexibility allows you to deal with anything that you did not intend or expect.
Flexibility also gives you freedom because you will not be completely attached to the one and only outcome.
When the obvious does not happen,
Then your flexible mind immediately asks,
What is a positive alternative?
Flexible people waste very little time with bad news.
They are already thinking about alternatives the minute the unexpected happens.
So,
Go ahead,
Stretch your body and your mind and invite flexibility into your life.
Now,
Why can having expectations be so problematic?
The first reason is dependency on expectations.
We all experience moments in life when we expect things to happen,
But something completely different happens.
We get surprised and most often disappointed.
Being disappointed is perfectly fine as long as you are not dependent on one single outcome.
By not being dependent on an external event or outcome,
You are creating a stable and controlled mind.
You avoid being disappointed in a way that your overall mindset and happiness get tempered with.
By not being dependent on the fulfillment of your expectations,
You are independent of outside circumstances in regards to your life path.
Next,
Another reason why so many people hate the idea of having any kind of expectation is that they confuse expectations with wishful thinking.
An expectation is by definition something that has the highest chance of happening but is not guaranteed.
For example,
When you walk to your car,
You expect it to be there.
It might have been stolen,
But it is a lot more likely that it is still there.
You can expect your husband or wife to still be there when you come home,
But there is a small chance he or she ran away.
Having an expectation that is extremely likely to happen is fine.
It allows you to trust your life,
And having trust in your life is completely healthy.
Now back to wishful thinking.
Wishful thinking is when something has a chance to happen but is not extremely likely to happen.
These kinds of expectations are in reality just wishful thinking.
They will put you at risk of constantly being disappointed.
For example,
When you watch your favorite sports teams,
Don't expect them to win.
This is wishful thinking.
There is never a 99.
9% chance of your team winning.
Or at work,
When you have a 50% chance to secure a new deal,
Don't expect it to happen.
This seems very obvious,
But it is something to be conscious of.
Differentiate between what is wishful thinking and what is an expectation.
Use the appropriate terminology.
Bring awareness to when you use I wish and when you use I expect.
Try to use the correct terms in your thoughts and language.
It will help you create a more flexible and happier life.
Now let's talk about other people in regards to your wishful thinking and expectations.
When it comes to other people's behavior,
Thoughts and feelings,
Have as little expectation as humanly possible without disconnecting from them.
Let me repeat this.
Have as little expectation as possible without scratching your connection.
Of course it is easy to say screw them all,
Disconnect and never expect anything.
But that's not what will make you happy.
Human connections make you happy.
And keeping them as strong as you can without creating unhealthy expectations will make you a balanced and happy person.
Now let me make an example to help you differentiate between healthy and unhealthy expectations.
Let us say you agree to meet your friend for lunch at noon.
Most likely you can expect your friend to show up.
Now for some friends,
Especially when they are German,
You can even have the expectation that your friend will be on time.
But for other friends the expectation to be on time is actually wishful thinking.
And most likely you already know for which friends being on time can be expected and for which it is wishful thinking.
Be aware,
Be realistic and you will very rarely be disappointed.
Being able to differentiate lessens your negative emotional response system.
You will not be angry at someone being late if you understand beforehand that being on time is actually your wishful thinking.
It might still be rude or unpleasant,
But the effect on your emotions is way smaller.
As a side note,
If it is very important to you to be on time,
Instead of wishfully thinking the same of others,
You can communicate how important it is to you.
Then others know your value system.
This is way better than you having the expectation that others have the same value system or that they can read your mind.
Next,
I would like to suggest not letting your expectations define who you are.
If you plan your life with a lot of expectations of external circumstances,
Then you let the world around you define you.
And this automatically creates safety issues.
You will feel unsafe in the world because your external expectations are slightly uncertain.
When the expectations are fulfilled,
You get a sense of fake self-worth.
When the expectations aren't fulfilled,
You feel powerless and lost.
I highly recommend detaching your identification as a person from your expectations.
I would recommend building your identification around your personality traits.
It makes your life a whole lot more stable.
So overall,
Don't be averse to having expectations,
But be very aware of them.
I invite you to work towards being able to accept change easily.
The world is full of beauty and curiosity.
And your originally expected path is just one of ten million great options.
Not all other paths are bad.
If things change,
If things don't work out the way they're supposed to,
Then take it as an opportunity to experience something new.
See it as an invitation to move in a different direction.
Most likely,
You will still be able to create a happy and fulfilling life.
