Why You Keep Holding On To Old Patterns (Live Class 1-27)

You'll never let go, until you realize how much you're holding on. In this class we encourage ourselves to consider the benefits and consequences of different patterns and identities. We want to admit and explore why we chose to be who we are, what it saved us from and what it caused. Then equally explore what new identities would mean and how they would affect us.

Transcript

Let's go ahead and get started. Our goal today, Quite simply, Is to let go of the person we used to be. And there's a bunch of different ways that we've done this. We've done this course with different titles, With different structures. So, If you've done this course before and you have something that you're really looking to let go of, Or you want to process through, Let me know. Because, As always, I'll customize the class to what is most alive for people. But, Traditionally, What we have done with this idea of let go of the person you used to be is to examine the parts of ourselves that we're holding onto. Why we're holding onto them, Without dismissing, Without sublimation. I actually will admit that I didn't do the best job yesterday in a rush explaining some really good questions that people had that relate to this topic. A lot of people will use the idea of their higher self, Their true self, Their best self, Which is a concept. It's an idea. It's something where they say, I'm only going to listen to the voices within me that say, This is who I must be. But that's not necessarily true. And, In some ways, Can be quite harmful. Because, If you say, I'm only going to listen to my higher self, And that doesn't involve ever being afraid, Ever feeling guilty, Ever accepting failure, Or experiencing rejection, Or ever wondering whether something is worth it, Or whether you're able to do it, If you're essentially trying to eliminate fear and doubt, Fear of judgment, As Jodi just put in, Then you're trying to avoid an entire piece of you. Because you are not just your highest self. You are everything that you're experiencing. You are the one saying, I'm not sure I can do this. And when we question deeper, It's the, What if I try to do this and I fail? You are that part of you. What if I try to do this and I'm judged? What if I try to do this and I put in all of the effort, But I get overwhelmed with sadness and it doesn't work, And I get criticized? You are those parts of you too. We don't want to think of them as part of us because it would make us feel weak or unworthy or incapable, But they're human. They're 100% part of you every time. You are not built to be a machine accomplishing all of these external goals. You are built to be part of a human experience. So the goal today, Unless someone puts in something they really want to discuss at any point today, Is to wonder what are the people and things about ourselves that we used to be, That we're ready to stop holding on to. And my thought today was almost to hold a funeral for those parts. Because so many of us think that we're going to get away with choosing a new life, A new part of ourselves, By dismissing, Criticizing, Ridiculing, Sublimating, Mind-tricking their way out of huge parts of who they have been, Huge parts of who they've chosen to be over the course of their lives. And not only does it not work, It also is a huge exercise in self-hatred and judgment that sets you up every single day of your life for that part of you saying, Hey what about this? And you're like, Shut up you. So it creates an internal battle and we want to do the exact opposite. We want to figure out the parts of ourselves that we're ready to let go of and do a full and thorough examination of how we came up with those parts, How they helped us, How they supported us, And admittedly what the consequences of their help was. And then hold a funeral, Hold a with gratitude you helped me get this far, But you're no longer helpful and I know you wouldn't want to stay given that you're no longer helpful. So I'm going to let you go and choose a new part that I think will be more helpful for me in the future. Can everybody see how that might be a more helpful and holistic way to choose new parts of ourselves rather than trying to push it down and squeeze it down to recognize, See clearly, Honor, And release. If that makes sense, We're gonna ground, We're gonna do some talking about it and I would love questions that come up and then we'll do a meditation that will be your funeral when we've all chosen and understood what part we're ready to let go of. And good morning Holly. So if everybody can find a comfortable position, Go ahead and close your eyes. Take a deep, Deep breath. Let it out with a sigh. Ah. And take a minute to check in with how your body is right now. Your body, Not what your mind says. How's it feeling? Is it pretty loose? Pretty tense? Do you feel like you could really use a yoga class or do you feel pretty strong and centered? How's your posture feel? How's your back feel? How do your toes feel? Overall, If you just kind of take a snapshot of your body, Which you can, It's always sending you signals. And you had to describe it. What would it be? Tense and uptight? Loose and relaxed? Strong and centered? What is the experience of your of being you in your body right now? And just let yourself be aware of that without needing to fix it for another minute or two. If thoughts try to interrupt their way in, You don't have to fight them. You just redirect your attention back to the experience of your body. And see what happens. Because normally I don't want to say this because I don't want people to switch into active effort. But has your body started to relax without doing anything? Without thinking anything? Without exercising anything? Simply by staying present and aware. Without looping into something your mind is telling you to be tense about. Because that subtle realization can help you in any situation where you're not actively in danger, But your mind is convincing you you are. All you have to do is bring your attention to your body, And where it is now, And stay with it. And it will naturally start to relax. And as always, But especially in an exercise like today, Or whatever you're planning today, If your body's still feeling really tense, Your heart beats up, You feel a little warm, Your breath is really shallow, Pause, Mute, Stay with this for five more minutes. This will be recorded. You won't miss anything too important. And you won't be able to do the work until you're in a state of enough relaxation to examine it. Because your mind won't allow you to approach the foundations of who you've chosen to be until you're in a state of peace. It doesn't go tinkering while in danger. But if you feel ready, Truly, To do the work today, Then start wiggling your fingers, Your toes. Give yourself permission to yawn, Sigh, Or stretch. Go ahead and open your eyes. Before we ever choose to let go of the person you used to be, I want to tell you something that I'm going to let sink in. You chose to be who you are today for a really, Really good reason. You chose to be who you are today for a really, Really good reason. One more time. You chose to be the person you are today for a really, Really good reason. And when we really accept that statement, Then we can begin to do this work. Because most people go into this work in most practices under the assumption that I'm trying to break, Under the assumption that there is a better version of me that's a higher self that's perfect out there, That I have just chosen poorly and I have resulted in a worse version of myself that I deserve better and I need to be better, Which is a way of shaming the person you've chosen to be in order to try to push or force yourself to become someone who you currently think is better. And it almost never works. But it sells. And I don't often talk about selling or cynicism, But I'm going to be clear here in case you've really gotten into that work. It sells because it sells you the idea that all you have to do is convince yourself to be this best version of yourself and it'll all be okay. It'll all be good. I only have to listen to the uplifting stories within myself. I only have to do this. Which sounds pretty appealing, Doesn't it? If I'm truly honest with you and I say, Look, You chose to be the person you are because scary things happened and you created coping strategies and those coping strategies worked pretty well and they had benefits and consequences and any new identity or new activity or new choices you make will have benefits, But they will have consequences and they will really, Really likely have consequences that you have been avoiding. Things like experiencing failure or rejection or criticism or breaking from the tribe and being shunned. Things like making a choice and having complete uncertainty of whether it's going to work out and having nobody who's able to reassure you. Things like being out on your own and unsure and uncertain and lost. It may still be worth it, But the only way you're going to be prepared to do that work is if you're truly honest with yourself every step of the way that you're going to have to accept the full spectrum of emotions that you've been avoiding in order to experience the emotions that you're searching for. That's true. As far as I can tell across every teacher, Across every structure, If you really want to change, That's true. But it's a lot less appealing than if I give you the right exercise, The right workshop, The right mantra, The right practice, Then you get to skip all of that and just be happy, Healthy, And alive and vibrant, Doesn't it? That's not true. It's a bait and switch. And at best, It convinces you to start doing the practice. But at worst, I'm willing to bet there's at least a handful of people on this call that have tried to do work like that. And when inevitably, Fear, Doubt, Exhaustion, Uncertainty crept in, They just kept blaming themselves saying they're doing it wrong and feeling worse about themselves saying, I'm not that kind of person. Or they ended up shunning the whole positive psychology, Spirituality type of movement entirely saying it's BS. So what we want to do today is the opposite. Is embracing the idea, I don't care what thing you're trying to change and what you're trying to get it to. I would like you to think of one or two you'd like to focus on in the meditation. But I want to be honest and use some examples. Let's see. Let's say you are really disorganized. And let us think it. You are disorganized and you call yourself a procrastinator and you want to be organized. And you are shaming yourself over and over and over again about being disorganized. But disorganized serves a purpose. In fact, It serves a lot of purpose. Often, If you are disorganized, It gives you a reason and an excuse, A good excuse. I'm not saying that as a bad way to not face difficult choices in your life, Because there's always something to focus on instead. You might be in a difficult relationship, A difficult job, Have to make some life choices over the longer term that are all really, Really scary and uncertain. But if every time I start thinking about it, I start cleaning the house instead, I don't have to face that difficult choice. And you could shame yourself for that. But often, This came and was developed during a period when you didn't have control over the outcome. So if you've been disorganized since you were a child, And when you were, Let's say, 13, And you started to realize how much chaos was going on in your house, And you didn't want to face it and experience it, It's a lot easier to focus on being disorganized and not being up to date at work or at school and all of these things than to be organized and then face, Holy crap, This environment's really uncomfortable and really unsafe. And I have no idea if I can do anything about it. And it's probably not within my control. And that's really uncertain. I'd rather be a personal disaster than personally organized and face the chaos that's out of my control in my environment. So again, You could shame that, Or you could have a lot of empathy that you developed a strategy that allowed you to experience a personal reality that always gave you something to focus on and something to do, Always being late, Always being lost, Always having something to organize so that you didn't have to face the enormity of the environment that was so harmful or so uncertain that was completely beyond your control. That's an example. But they're all like that. Anything that you want to let go of served a protective purpose. And of course, It had consequences. And if you're disorganized, You don't need me to tell them to you. But let's say you're shy. I want to be clear. And I'll swear a little bit. If you're a shy woman, Specifically, But men too, And you became shy during middle school, Let's be clear about what middle school is. Middle school is hell. Middle school is gossip. Middle school is shaming. Middle school is power play. Middle school is social dynamics. Middle school is lots of different things that are scary. And if you decided during that moment that the strategy was to be shy, Because that was essentially opting out of the environment and making yourself a target as possible, That makes sense. That makes a lot of sense. Because you looked at an uncertain environment and said to be outgoing was to constantly and consistently risk being shamed, Criticized, Gossiped about, Talked about behind my back, Entering a political dynamic and a social dynamic that I wasn't certain how to deal with and wasn't certain how to do. So I might as well latch on to whichever friend accepts me and stay out of the fray as much as possible. Huge benefit. Huge benefit. Consequences that if you're shy, You don't need me to tell you. Is this making sense to people? And do they have questions? If you lived in an environment where failure was a lot, A lot of punishment, Where you didn't want to fail, You couldn't be seen as a failure, You had a kind of 1950s father figure or 1930s father figure where it's like you don't want to risk anything and you will have shamed the entire family if you fail. You're going to come up with a strategy that says I don't risk anything. I take the safe path. I'm not brave. I don't do the foolish thing and go out there on my own. I don't believe I can do it. Benefits. Lots and lots of benefits of doing that. But when you're now living in a really abundant age with a skill set, With possibilities, And you keep dreaming of traveling or starting a company or doing something really out there, And it is possible and significantly easier today, You're in a different environment. But you've learned to avoid doing so because it'll risk being judged, Shamed, Criticized, And outcast from the family. Then you're now in conflict because the trick is you all developed strategies. Me too. Not you all. We all developed strategies to survive our environment. And we developed them in such a way that they worked in our environment. But then our environment changed. Even as simple as our environment changed from I was a dependent child to now I am an independent adult. So I have thousands more options available to me than when I was a child. My environment changed. Or quite literally, If my 1930s grandfather was shaming my mother for wanting to do something because they survived the Great Depression and you don't want to study something useless, He's half right because by the time my mother was there, We were in a prosperous nation and things could work. And if you are a 1960s or 1970s parent trying to shame a child for doing something random and going out on their own, They are half right because it is really hard to go out on your own. But in the modern internet-driven world, There's a lot more possibility. Failing to recognize that you are no longer in the same environment that you developed your strategies, Identity, And coping mechanisms in. And then recognizing that in this new environment, There's a new set of benefits and consequences so that if you redeveloped your personality and redeveloped what you were willing to put up with, You could experience different results. And that was said in kind of a convoluted way. So I want to make sure people understood that. But that I wanted to make sure to share. Because there is no one on this call that should be looking at themselves in meditation being like, Being shy is so shameful. I never put myself out there. I never do this. Or procrastinating is so bad. It's the worst thing possible. My higher self tells me this. Or, You know what, I never stand up for myself. Well, If you're a small child standing up to an angry adult, Standing up for yourself ain't great. Especially if they were physically or emotionally reactive. But now as an adult where I have more choices, That's better off. So we want to examine ourselves with that same kind of logical and emotional kindness to say, Wait a second, As a 13-year-old standing up to a former Marine father, Not me, Using examples, That had the potential to get violent, Sorry, That's kind of an over-assumption about Marines, But maybe verbally strong, Wasn't worth it. Wasn't worth being assertive. But now as an adult working in an environment where being assertive could end up with promotions, Getting my work done, Getting credit, Saying no, Setting boundaries without the same consequences, Worth it. So if we can look clear-eyed at the benefits and consequences of our current strategy, Say whether we're now in a new environment where the benefits aren't as strong and the consequences are pretty big, Examine a new identity and not just look at the benefits. Say, You know what, Being assertive as an example in this new environment might have benefits, But I'm also still risking anger, Dismissal, Criticism, Judgment, And I might want to be prepared for that. Because as a child, Those hurt a lot. Or as someone in this environment, That hurt a lot. As someone in a formerly abusive relationship or as someone in this, That hurt a lot, But they're not as devastating as they were before. And I might want to examine that in order to come up with a new identity. Does that make sense to everyone? Because normally I say it in a little bit more flowery language, But it really is. You are not in the environment that you used to create your current identity. And in that new environment, Your perfectly honed coping strategy for a former environment might not be as useful anymore. And I want to examine it with clear eyes. Because when you examine it with clear eyes, Then you will make a decision. And the final note before I go through the questions and all the comments, If you have questions, Put it in, Is often people, That's why I'm trying to avoid this higher self analogy. It's because it's never true. You are everything that you experience. And if there, Let's use a simple number, If there's 10 of you in there, As in the you that's scared, The you that's watching out for danger, The you that wants applause, The you that is trying to avoid criticism, The you that wants to be seen or wants to be proud of yourself. When you try to create a higher self, All you're doing is trying to self-identify with a small portion of you and sublimate, Shame, Criticize, Or push away the rest of you, Which doesn't work. Because every time this small part of you tries to make a change, It's like a game of a tug of war. And so if there's three parts of the 10 of you trying to tug in one direction, While the other 70% of you says, Hell no, You're not going to get anywhere. And at best, In a moment of clarity, In a peak state, In a this, That 30% of you might have dazed the other percent and take five steps. And then the other 70% is going to come back online and shut you down. And maybe you managed to convince 50-60% of you to start moving forward. But if you ignore that remaining 40%, Every single step is going to feel so much effort and you're going to wonder why you weren't getting anywhere. But if you can get the whole of you, All of you, Not your higher self, All of you on board, Then you'll just walk in that direction without resistance. And that's the art of what we want to do. Because if you say, You know what, I really want to strike out on my own. I want to do this. Shut up that part of me that's saying that we might get rejected. Screw you. You're not part of my higher self. I think you all have experienced what happens, Don't you? Maybe you take a big step and then you're scared about it. Maybe you take the next step and you start to feel resistance. And maybe you take the third step and after a week, Maybe two weeks of pushing yourself forward through willpower, You collapse and blame yourself and shame yourself and say, I'm not that kind of person. Doesn't work very well, Does it? Just makes us feel worse. So our goal is to get everyone on board. So to go through questions, Because we have about five, Maybe 10 minutes for questions. Spencer. So this is about self-compassionate self-improvement. The reason if Spencer, If you're still here, I didn't answer that when I saw it when it came on, Is because the mind wants to categorize what I'm saying. Because then it's going to associate it with everything else. So if you just say, This is about self-compassionate improvement, You're labeling it rather than experiencing it, Which is a side topic. But it's true. There's, I forget who exactly said this, But there's a phrase, The moment a child learns the word for tree or bird, They no longer see the bird. Because the second the mind says, This is what this is, It stops trying to directly experience it. It tries to categorize it. So you are right in a way, If we needed to categorize what we're doing, It's about being compassionate to all parts of ourself in order to allow ourselves to make the whole of ourselves, My whole self, Let's use that rather than my higher self, My whole self to make a decision of what to do. But if we just think about it like that, Then we won't try to experience it directly. Some people make mistakes and move on without fear. Why do I keep thinking so much and feel afraid of change? Simple. Mistakes were punished and shamed in your environment, Either directly or indirectly. And you learned to avoid mistakes because you would lose love or experience pain. I can say that with near universality. I mean, Especially the modern school system doesn't exactly punish innovation. There's a right answer and a wrong answer. And mistakes, Creative mistakes, Don't get me any awards. Only having the right answer does. And I'm continually told that having that right answer all the time consistently is the thing that leads me to all the rewards that I want in life. So some people have primed themselves with a different perspective to their family life, Their social life, Their school life. And if yours is primed based on an accurate system that says, Get the right answer, There's only one right answer, Follow that all the way up the chain and society will take care of you. Then mistakes seem catastrophic. Abigail, I procrastinate. It's ridiculous. We're not here to shame ourselves. Makes sense. I get distracted and always cleaning, But never finishing or making time to do what I really want to do with my life. It's frustrating. Yep. And the question to ask, Because no one, Procrastinating isn't fun. So I'm going to be clear. The reason that I used procrastinating is because if you are a chronic procrastinator and those who have come regularly know my feelings on that word, Then usually the thing that we're avoiding is pretty big emotionally at the very least, Because procrastination is, Has some serious consequences in life. Unless you're the kind that procrastinate the whole time until you do it right at the deadline. So the only consequences are to your nervous system, But those are still some pretty big consequences. So I want you to ask yourself this, If you're in Abigail's shoes or you're Abigail, What would I have to face if I wasn't procrastinating? And it's got to be something big. What would I experience? What would I do? What would I have to sit with if I was getting things done? Because it's got to be something bigger than the pain of procrastination, Or else you wouldn't do it. If you stopped procrastinating, Got everything done, And you got to sit in a nice, Peaceful home without any underlying negative emotions, You would do it. So there's something that there is a consequence that you don't want to face. And this is where I try to avoid the higher self-talk. So this is a really good example for everyone when you're in the meditation. Let's say Abigail, As an example, I don't know her story for everyone here, But this is a good example that when she gets it all done, She has to face that she doesn't know what she's doing with her life. She doesn't really know what's going on. All of the things she's dreaming of take a lot of work and a lot of possibility of failure and a lot of uncertainty. And she's now avoided them for long enough that she's feeling a pit of shame that she really, Really doesn't want to feel. She'll procrastinate because she's avoiding that emotion, That underlying pit, That underlying experience. And if she's sitting there shaming herself for saying, I really should get my things in order, While failing to recognize that the second her things are in order and she's not stuck around the adrenaline of always being late or missing something, That there's a huge deep well of emotion that she doesn't yet know how to process and is avoiding the consequence of getting organized, Then she's just going to keep shaming herself and maybe push herself to clean a bit, But never actually get there. Never really make it until she addresses that there are consequences. Consequences of having to process and feel and experience all of those emotions about life in the moment. And that's not something to be ashamed of. Most people, Most of the time, Are keeping themselves busy to experience one emotion or the other. And it's easy for me to look at somebody and be like, Why are you trying to do that to avoid failure? But I may be trying to do it to avoid helplessness or uncertainty or lack of control. Most of us have our own personal emotion that we will avoid at all costs. And C. Oh my goodness, I was raised to not fail and I never did. But when I eventually failed as an event in my 40s, I realized that I did not know how to move forward. This is new to me. It was a humbling time. I learned that I accomplished so much without learning anything. I had a rough time putting myself back together and learning that failure can actually be a good thing. Yep. Exactly what we're going for today. Because until you address letting go of a certain part and having a new part means embracing the thing that you created the part to avoid, You won't make the change. Yeah. So Abigail, I'm now reading your second comment, Which fits because if we, If you were organized, You would feel hopeless and helpless because you would be stuck in a state that you'd figured everything out and you still don't know the answer. You don't know what to do. So what's the point of even being organized? Because once I'm organized, I faced that feeling. So the trick is to really sit there and recognize that funeral and say, I'm going to have to feel the hopelessness and helplessness and start finding my way through it. And then I'll naturally get organized because I'll won't be needing it to avoid another emotion and karma. I had a job for 25 years where I got paid to get big projects done for directors that procrastinated. My tagline at this job was get shit done. Now I have a problem always getting things done too fast. Like I can't stand things lingering. So there's the flip side. Yep. That's me. I am. My mother was like that. My work was like that. And there are many times that I look back that if I had stopped, Slowed down and really filled in the details, Things would have been a lot better for me. But then I'd have to feel the uncertainty, The question of whether it's good enough, The feeling of slowing down, The feeling of getting chased. It's hard. So we really got to get into the meditation. So I hope everyone gets a context of what we're doing and everyone has at least one thing that they want to bring in, That they want to bring into themselves and experience. And we don't have to do long exercises on it. We just want to say, What is this thing that I'm ready to let go of? And I want to honor both the benefits and the consequences. Look at this thing that I think I now want and honor both the benefits and consequences. It's not going to be that long. It's not going to be that crazy. It's just the realization that once you've fully accepted it, You can make a clear choice of, I'm ready to let go. Or at the very least, I now see why I'm still holding on. And this requires further examination. So if everybody's ready, I'm going to quick get something to drink. But take a moment to get comfortable. Go ahead and let your eyes close. Take a deep, Deep breath. Let it out with a sigh. Follow your breath without changing it for a couple of breaths. And I want you to be honest with yourself. If you're in an emotional state right now where you can do this work, Keep going with me. But if you're not, Which you'll know, Your mind is racing, Your body is flooded, You're interacting and rationalizing what's said, You've got walls or activation too great to do this, Then I want you, If you would be so kind, To put both hands on your heart and simply focus on taking deep breaths with slow exhales while listening, But not acting on what I say. You can always come back and do this meditation again, But you will do more harm than good if you try to push yourself through it because we're here to self-accept, Not to shame and suppress. And pushing forward through activation is doing the second one. So if you are ready, Please pick a part of yourself that you're ready to let go of. If it helps, Say it out loud or in your head, I am ready to let go of the part of myself that wants to rush to get things done. And see how much emotion and mental chatter shows up as you said that, Because that tells you how attached you are to this part of yourself, Which is another way of saying how helpful it has been. So if there was a lot, You might just want to plan to become aware today. If there was very little, You might be approaching the point where you're ready to let go. So say it one more time. I am ready to let go of the part of myself that, Whatever it is for you. And then, I want you to say, Because you know deep down, What led me to choose to create this part of myself? If your mind starts racing, You're probably avoiding the real one. What led me to choose to adopt this part of myself? For instance, I could say in line with the member who said it, My desire to get shit done and get shit done quickly was that if I wasn't, I was sitting in the dysfunction that I was surrounded by. So by getting things done, I at least gave myself the illusion that it was going to be fixed. So what did it give you? Because there was a reason, There's always a reason. None of us is silly, Stupid, Crazy, Small, Fearful. There was a reason you chose this part of yourself. What did it give you? Because you know if you're sitting there saying, It gave me nothing, All it gave me was pain. I'm here to tell you, That's not true. There's something that it gave you. Maybe it saved you from a toxic environment. Maybe it gave you love and praise from a place where that was hard to find. Maybe it gave you an escape. Maybe it gave you something you're searching for. Or helped you avoid something that you were either directly experiencing and felt pain or indirectly getting messages to avoid. Whatever it is, Don't stop until you know it and you can say, Thank you. Thank you for this benefit. Thank you for helping me do this for so long. And when you're ready, You never have to move forward. These are simple instructions. So if you need more time, Take more. But when you are ready, Be honest with yourself about what the consequences have been. What have been the downsides, The impacts, Of this chosen identity? Maybe you always avoided failure, But you always wanted to take a leap. But since that would risk failure, You never could. Or maybe you're constantly in a state of stress and tension, Because that actually does prevent you from feeling the underlying feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. Fear is better than helplessness. What is it for you? With complete transparency and honesty, What consequences have you faced as a result of this? And then, Since that's usually easier if it's something you're trying to change, I want you to be honest. Am I in the same environment I was when I made that choice? Because that choice made sense as a child, As a middle schooler, As a high schooler trying to look cool, As someone desperate for attention and not having many options. But am I in the same environment now? If I avoided failure because failure would reduce insult and criticism and shame, Am I still in that environment? And if you are, Which is an important point, Be honest with yourself. Is it because you've chosen an environment that feels familiar? As in, In all the big wide world, Is there a possibility for me to choose an environment where people celebrate me for trying and failure doesn't risk disaster? But since it was familiar to me, I chose an environment where failure is disaster. Or have I chosen friends who, If I was speaking my preferences, Being assertive, Going, They probably would leave me behind. But in this big wide world, There are people who would be totally happy with me and my preferences. I just chose something familiar. And let that sink in. Both that you're not in the same environment and you now have much greater choice over your environment. So if you're in a similar one, It was because you chose to be there, Not because it's necessary. And again, If at any point during this process, You get flooded, Overwhelmed, Do the same thing of those at the beginning. Put both hands on your heart and begin only focusing on your breath with slow exhales while listening rather than consciously taking action. Because now we want to explore the identity we're considering. And we want to consider it as if we were about to make a really big purchase. And we want to, Maybe you want to purchase a brand new car or a home. And you want to be looking at this in the same way. With honesty. If you were considering purchasing a first home with all of your resources, You don't just say, I need it. It's the best. You say things like, Okay, So I'm going to choose. I'm considering choosing to be much more assertive or to risk failure. Or to try new things or to be organized. What are the benefits? What's the reason I'm telling myself to do this? I might be telling myself to do this because I'm not sure I can live in a state of stress and tension anymore at any cost. I might be telling myself to do this because the resentment that I'm feeling by people pleasing and being submissive is starting to take over my life and impact my relationships. Or isn't starting is full blown. Or because if I go into work without any ability to really prove myself or risk something one more day, I'm going to collapse and maybe buy a red sports car. Be honest. What would be the benefit of this new thing that you're considering? With complete clarity, Don't overblow it, Don't under blow it. On an emotional, Physical level now and into the future. What would you get if you're trying to tell yourself to be more assertive? What do you think is going to happen in three years, In two years, In five years? If you were more assertive, Would you finally get paid enough? Would you not accept snide comments? Would you have chosen friends who appreciate honesty and are helping each other grow? What's the reason why you want this? Whatever it is. And then with complete clarity and willingness to face it, What are the consequences? What are the things? And obviously we could use psychology framing and say you get to face. But for now, Let's be honest of how it's probably experienced inside. What are the things you're going to have to face, Have to face if you have this new identity? If you're going from shy to assertive, You're going to face rejection a heck of a lot more. If you're going from stable and safe to risky and possible loss, You're going to face failure, Uncertainty, Judgment, Criticism. You're going to face that and more. So what are the consequences that the 50% of you tugging on the rope saying no or more because you haven't changed are saying no, If we do this, Then people are going to get angry. Yes, Some people will get angry. I'm going to receive judgment. Yes, Some people will judge you. I might get criticized. Yes, Some people might criticize you. I might fail. Yes, If you try something new, I guarantee no matter how you mentally frame it, You will fail over and over and over again on your way to a new thing. I might lose people. If you have been keeping people around you that only stay because you are shy, Because you are unassertive, Because you procrastinate, Because you don't call out negative behavior, Because something, Your world will change. That is the promise and the threat. So what are the consequences? And finally, I'm going to give you a minute to have a conversation with your whole self, Not your higher self, Your whole self. And that conversation is not binary. It is not I'm staying the way I am or I'm wholesale picking up this new thing. It is, This is really scary. Sure, There are these consequences of this, But there's these benefits and these consequences. What next step do we as a whole want to take? Not this big binary, Is it worth it? But what's a step we're willing to take? What's something we're willing to explore? What's a practice we might need to have in order to prepare ourselves for making this leap? Get your whole self on board with the plan and it will happen. But if you leave even one part unheard, It'll be like having a ball and chain. And if you leave huge parts of you unheard and avoided, It'll be like one person tugging on a rope held by five, Not getting anywhere. So tell yourself, Converse with your whole self about what's happening, How we got here, About how the environment has changed, Or we think the environment has changed, Or we realize we could choose a new environment. Because the goal here isn't counter to the title to convince you to let go or to make you into a better person, But to create internal cohesion and acceptance of who you are and what you're going to do about it. And as always, If this is the most important thing you could be doing right now and you have time, Please pause, Mute, And keep going for as long as you find it helpful. But for us today, Winding down, Say your final remark, And begin to wiggle your fingers, Your toes. Give yourself a stretch, A yawn, Or a sigh. And when you feel ready, Go ahead and open your eyes. I'm going to go ahead and put the follow button up while I wait for people to digest, But I only have a couple of minutes so that I can let Katerina in to do her class. But I want to thank all of you today. This is the work. This is the work. I just had her looking in the window. This is the thing that's most important to do and it's hard. It's hard to admit to ourselves, But what we're really looking for is to be at peace with ourselves and that doesn't happen by pushing yourself to a higher self, By pushing yourself to be the best person. That's just shaming and shutting down another piece. It's about accepting who we are and what we're experiencing and that we made a choice and we're still making a choice and that's okay and we don't need everything that we're sold. We just get to do and be the person we're choosing to be based on the environment and the situations that we're putting ourselves in. So thank you and if anyone feels called to make a donation, I always appreciate it, But I love doing this and I appreciate all of you and you can reach out for things you want to talk about here in the group via direct message, But I'm here to do these things with you and I really appreciate that you join and thank you all because I'm willing to bet ten years from now I'm going to second guess this statement, But this is the work and this is the work that most people circle around being honest about the reality of who they are, What they've experienced, What the situation is, What's working, What's not working and making a choice not in some heightened peak state or not in some shame-based state, But simply because it's not working or it's working and we're making new choices for ourselves. And thank you Holly and thank you Sheree. Sheree I realize I should keep asking is it Sheree or Shari because I had a friend Sheree so I want to make sure catch me if I've been saying it wrong. But last, Sheree, Oh man, Both were wrong. So Sheree, Thank you. If I say it wrong again please just put that in and I will remind it I really don't like saying people's names wrong I don't want to be the stereotypical American around the world so I try to ask. And yes, Jacqueline, Yep. Last, Helen, This meditation will be available as a track as long as there wasn't random side notes or anything behind it. I got behind because I keep leaving to go to a cafe so Katarina can work for three hours and AirPods weren't working with the audio tool I'm using. Yesterday I went with a studio headset I bought and figured out they weren't charged but today I should be sitting down and getting a significant amount of these up so depending on insight timer rejecting them or piecing together you should see many popping up in the next several days. But I have run out of time for us today so I appreciate you all. I love you all and I hope to hear from you soon.