Have you noticed that it suddenly feels like so many women are being diagnosed with ADHD or autism in their 40s,
50s,
And 60s?
Maybe you even found yourself wondering.
Am I actually neurodivergent or am I just losing it?
If you've thought that,
I want you to know that you are not alone.
In fact,
There are some very real biological and historical reasons why menopause has become the stage of life where so many of us finally begin to recognize ourselves in conversations about ADHD and autism.
And perhaps even more importantly,
Why this is a wonderful time of our life to stop blaming ourselves.
One of the most common things that I hear from women in perimenopause and menopause is,
I've always been able to keep all the balls in the air,
So why does everything suddenly feel so hard?
Maybe you've always been the organized one,
The dependable one,
The one who remembers birthdays,
Keeps family calendars running,
Anticipates everybody else's needs,
And somehow manages to hold it all together.
Or maybe you've become the perfectionist.
Overachiever,
The person who says yes and works harder and pushes through because that's how you've always survived.
And then menopause arrives and suddenly the systems that you've relied on your whole life don't seem to work anymore.
You can't remember that appointment.
The noise in the grocery store or restaurant feels unbearable.
You walk into a room and forget why you're here.
You're exhausted by social interactions.
And you lose your train of thought halfway through a sentence.
That can feel terrifying.
Many women assume this means they're becoming lazy,
Less capable,
Or somehow losing themselves.
But what if that's not what's happening at all?
What if you've actually been working incredibly hard to compensate for a neurodivergent brain your entire life,
And now your nervous system simply doesn't have the same resources to keep up that mask?
One of the biggest biological changes that happens during perimenopause and menopause involves estrogen.
Estrogen doesn't only affect the reproductive system.
It also has important effects on the brain,
Including helping to regulate neurotransmitters like dopamine.
Which are deeply involved in intention,
Motivation,
Emotional regulation,
And executive functioning.
As estrogen begins to fluctuate and eventually decline,
Many of us notice more forgetfulness,
Difficulty focusing or completing tasks.
Increased emotional sensitivity,
Feeling overwhelmed more and more easily.
Sensory overload from noise,
Clutter,
Or interruptions.
And generally greater difficulty juggling that mental load that we've been carrying for years.
For women with ADHD or ADHD,
These hormonal changes don't create neurodivergence.
They often just reduce our brain's ability to compensate for it.
I sometimes think about it like this.
Imagine that you've been carrying 10 heavy bags of groceries every single day.
You became so good at carrying them that eventually everyone,
Including you,
Just assumed it wasn't that hard.
Then one day your muscles change and suddenly you can't carry them in the same way that you could anymore.
The bags didn't get heavier,
You didn't become weaker.
Or less worthy,
You're simply becoming aware of a load that you've been carrying all along.
Another important part of this story is that so many girls and women simply weren't identified when they were younger.
For a long time,
Research that shaped our understanding of ADHD and much of the early work around autism was really primarily based on boys.
The stereotype became the child who couldn't sit still,
Blurted things out,
Climbed on furniture,
Or disrupted the classroom.
But most girls don't present that way.
Instead,
They may quietly daydream.
Work twice as hard to stay organized.
Become highly anxious about making mistakes.
They develop perfectionism as a coping strategy.
And constantly monitor and adapt our behaviors to fit in.
We become the good girl.
Who is struggling internally.
But not here to cause problems for anybody else.
Many autistic girls and women also become incredibly skilled at masking.
Carefully studying social rules,
Rehearsing conversations.
Copying behaviors of our peers.
And hiding our sensory discomfort or confusion in order to avoid standing out.
The challenge is that masking.
Often work.
It works so well.
That teachers,
Family,
Friends,
And even ourselves.
May never realize just how much effort it takes.
And over time,
That effort can become identity.
So this is the part that I think can be especially emotional.
Many women don't recognize that the traits they've been building their whole lives around the perfectionism.
The overfunctioning,
The people pleasing.
I need to stay busy.
The need to always be the responsible one.
These may not simply be personality traits.
Sometimes they're adaptive coping strategies.
They're the systems you created to help yourself remember things,
Avoid criticism,
Manage overwhelm,
Or prevent mistakes.
They're the ways you've learned to navigate a world that wasn't necessarily built for your brain.
And when menopause makes it harder to maintain those symptoms.
It can feel like you're losing yourself.
I can certainly relate to that.
But what if we're not losing ourselves?
What if we're losing the exhausting amount of energy that it has taken to perform,
Compensate,
And mask for decades?
This season of life isn't exposing a weakness.
But revealing just how much invisible work you've always been doing.
Many women who receive a late ADHD or autism diagnosis describe the feeling as two things at the same time.
The first is grief.
Grief for the years spent believing that we were lazy,
Disorganized,
Too emotional,
Too much,
Or just not trying hard enough.
For all the corrections that we received as children and young adults.
When what we needed was understanding,
Accommodation,
Or support.
Grief for the opportunities we may have missed because we assumed there was something wrong with us.
But alongside that grief often comes relief.
Because maybe the story was never that you were failing.
Maybe the story was that you were succeeding under incredibly difficult circumstances.
Maybe you've spent decades adapting,
Compensating,
And caring more than anyone realized,
Including yourself.
And maybe menopause is simply the point.
Where your nervous system is asking for a different way forward.
So if there's one thing I'd love for you to try this week.
It's changing the questions that you ask yourself.
When you lose track of something,
Forget an appointment,
Get overwhelmed by noise,
Or find yourself struggling with a task that should be easy.
Notice if your brain automatically goes to.
Was wrong with me.
Why can't I just do this?
Why does everyone else seem to handle this better than I do?
And see if you can gently replace those questions with.
What does my brain need right now?
It might need less sensory input.
More visual reminders instead of trying to rely on memory.
A written checklist instead of trying to hold it all in our heads.
More transition time in between tasks.
Or support from another person.
The shift from asking what's wrong with me to asking what would support and help me can be incredibly powerful.
It moves us out of shame and into curiosity,
And curiosity is often where healing begins.
Curiosity is where self lives.
So if this conversation resonates with you.
I hope that you'll know that you don't have to figure it all out overnight.
You don't have to decide today whether you have ADHD or autism.
You don't have to prove that you've struggled enough to deserve answers.
And you certainly don't have to keep carrying the belief that you're simply lazy or failing at life.
Sometimes learning more about neurodivergence,
Executive functioning,
Masking,
And the effects of hormonal changes.
Can offer a completely different lens.
Through which to understand your experiences.
For many women,
Education itself becomes a profound act of self-compassion.
And if these questions keep coming up for you.
Consider talking with a knowledgeable mental health professional,
Psychologist,
Or healthcare provider who understands both neurodivergence and the unique ways that it can present in women across the lifespan.
You don't have to walk this path alone or have all the answers before reaching out.
Because of menopause is pulling back the curtain on the way that your brain has always worked.
Maybe this isn't a sign that you're breaking down.
Maybe it's an invitation to stop fighting your nervous system and begin understanding it with the curiosity and kindness it deserved all along.
Thank you so much for taking the time to sit with me today.
I hope that this was supportive for you.
And I would love to hear from you in the comments.
Take care.
