Have you ever found yourself snapping at someone you care about,
Shutting down completely,
Feeling anxious for no obvious reason,
Or wondering why the tools that usually help you just aren't working?
Maybe you found yourself thinking.
What the heck is wrong with me?
Why can't I just calm down?
If so,
I definitely want you to know that you're not alone and maybe there isn't anything wrong with you at all.
What if the problem isn't that you're broken,
Weak,
Overly sensitive,
Or failing to cope?
What if your nervous system is doing exactly what it was designed to do?
Today,
I'd like to introduce a concept from polyvagal theory that can help us understand why we react the way that we do and why self-compassion is often a much more helpful starting point than self-criticism.
At its core,
Our nervous system has one job.
Keep us alive.
Is constantly scanning our environment,
Our relationships,
And even our own thoughts and memories for signs of safety or danger.
Most of this happens automatically,
Long before conscious thought gets involved.
Your nervous system is essentially asking one question over and over.
Am I safe right now?
And depending on the answer,
It will shift our body and brain into different states.
The polyvagal theory developed by Dr.
Steven Porges gives us a framework for understanding these different states.
Rather than viewing our responses as good or bad,
Polyvagal theory invites us to see them as adaptive survival responses.
In very simple terms,
There are three nervous system states we tend to move between.
When we feel safe,
Connected,
And regulated.
We're in what's called a ventral bagel state.
In this state,
It's easier to think clearly,
Solve problems,
Connect with others,
Be creative,
And respond rather than react.
This isn't a state of perfection.
It's simply a state where our nervous system believes that we're safe enough to engage with our lives.
When our nervous system detects danger,
It may move into sympathetic activation.
This is that fight or flight response.
We might feel anxious,
Restless,
Irritable,
Impatient,
Unable to settle.
Many people think that anxiety means that something is wrong.
But from a polyvagal perspective,
Anxiety is often our nervous system attempting to mobilize and protect us.
Despite if that threat is actually real.
If the nervous system determines that fighting or escaping won't work,
It may move into the third state,
Dorsal bagel.
This can feel like numbness,
Exhaustion,
Hopelessness,
Disconnection,
Or just wanting to withdraw from the world entirely.
Most of us really criticize ourselves when we experience that state.
But once again,
Your nervous system may simply be trying to protect you.
So one of the things that I love most about this framework is that it helps us move away from that question.
What the heck is wrong with me?
And towards a much gentler question.
What is my nervous system trying to do for me now or trying to tell me right now?
That shift alone can create enormous relief.
Because when we understand that our reactions often reflect protection rather than failure,
It becomes easier to respond with curiosity instead of shame.
So before we finish,
I'd like to offer a simple practice that you could try right now.
Without changing anything,
Gently look around the space that you're in.
Notice three things.
That feel pleasant,
Neutral,
Or even comforting.
It might be a color.
It might be a photograph.
Might be natural light coming through your window.
Or a favored object nearby.
Take a moment to really see them.
As you do.
Notice if your shoulders might soften,
Even just a little.
Notice if your breathing changes.
Even just a tiny bit.
There's nothing that you need to force.
We're simply giving the nervous system new information.
Or reminding it that alongside whatever stress might be present.
There are also signs of safety available in this moment.
If this concept resonates with you,
I'd encourage you to spend less time asking.
What's wrong with me?
And more time being curious about what your nervous system might be trying to communicate to you.
Your reactions make sense in context.
Your nervous system is not an enemy.
And learning to understand it may be one of the most compassionate things you ever do for yourself.
Thanks so much for spending this time with me.
