Small Ways You Betray Yourself In Love

Live Class Recording - Have you ever said “I’m fine” when you weren’t? Said yes when you meant no? Kept quiet to avoid conflict, only to end up resentful, exhausted, and disconnected from your partner?

These small moments of self-betrayal happen in so many relationships, often without us even noticing. But over time, they slowly erode trust, emotional intimacy, desire, and your sense of self.

In this session, I share what I’ve learned from working with couples and individuals for over 11 years, helping people navigate identity loss, resentment, and relationship struggles.

Transcript

Let's talk about the small ways you betrayed yourself in love. What I've noticed, So I'm working with couples and individuals in this space of losing identity and couples for about 11 years, And what I heard for most of them, All of them, When it comes to relationship is you're supposed to give. And you're supposed to give and support and do what's best for the relationship. Because many of us have learned that putting yourself first is selfish. And that's not a good thing. That's not a good trait. That's not a good character when you are selfish and you're doomed and you will be cast out when you are selfish. But here's the thing. Here's the big but. There's a difference between how far am I willing to go How far am I willing to let go of my opinion, My boundary, My needs? Without shame, Without blame, Without judgment towards your partner. That's not selfish to say, I'm willing to go this far, But not further. That's not selfish. That is protection, Self-protection, Self-preservation, Because we humans, Our biggest drive is to survive. And this is one kind of survivor to say, I go this far, I'm willing to go this far, But not further. But many think that's selfish to say, There is a limit how far I will go. There is a limit how much I will give. There is a limit how much I will take off. And what they go with is compromises. And then what I see. When I work with these clients is compromises in their head have manifested as I fulfill my partner's expectations, But often. They can't fulfill them. And then the partner is unhappy and they get unhappy because now they are not able to make their partner happy. Even though these were expectations that no one has agreed to, And that's the thing with expectation, Totally different topic, But just here and in between, Expectations will usually lead to disappointment. Because And just yesterday I had a client. I do couples. These two is a couple, But I work with them individually. And he has told me I have these expectations of her. She's at home. She has time to cook, To clean, To act as my assistant. Those were his words. Those are his expectations. And I said, Did she agree to these expectations? And he said, No, I just expect them of her. Doesn't do it and then I get mad and then she gets mad and then we have an argument. And then what happens is both are unhappy and both start resenting each other. So that's the resentment is this drop by drop, Filling the barrel until the end. It don't float. But let me give you some examples of ways you betray yourself and others. I have two examples and I'm pretty sure you may be one who does it or you may have experienced someone who does it. First one is saying I'm fine or it's fine when it's not. So you say something that hurts you, That disappoints you, That you don't agree with doing and you say I'm fine or you say so you say nothing. You don't say oh this hurt me. And what happens then is, Now these are the ways that you betray yourself, That you betray your partner without even knowing it. And because you don't express what hurts you, What disappoints you, What's going on inside you, Your brain or your body, And they don't learn. They hurt you? You say, Nah, It's OK. They do it again. Because they haven't learned that this is something that hurts you. And they don't get to meet the real you. You give them a version that is strong, That is easygoing or whatever it is. And they do it again and again. It doesn't change anything because you're never saying anything. So you get hurt and hurt and hurt. Resentment builds and builds and builds so that it's this vicious circle that happens. Yeah, Put down here resentment, Particularly when you don't, When they do it again, Because they don't know that it's a no-go. They don't know that they just crossed a line. Usually when you're in a relationship, That partner of yours wants to make you happy. They don't want to hurt you. If they want to hurt you on purpose then might not be the right one for you. But in general, They want to make you happy. They want to be there for you. They want to support you. And they can't do it because you're not telling them this is a no-go. This hurt my feelings. So they do it again. And then what happens is, Boom, Explosion. Because this resentment builds up, The disappointment builds up, The hurt builds up. Can't you just read my mind or my body language? The disappointment gets so big that eventually. . . At a point where you have an argument, You'll probably explode. And then you. Give everything. And then you blame them, Then you shame them, Then you say how incapable they are and they're not sympathetic, Empathetic and They don't know what you need, Even though you never told them. And a big, Big. Side effect is emotional intimacy decreases. Because when you're disappointed, By your partner over and over and over, Particularly when they hurt you by what they do, What they say, How they treat you. You start losing the trust in them. And that means you don't feel safe around them. You don't feel safe to be you, You don't feel safe to share what you think, So your thoughts, Your ideas, Your needs, Your worries. Might step away one little step at a time and that decreases the emotional intimacy which is so important to have that bond because that's what we in the end want all of us to have that emotional intimacy to be able to be ourselves and to share Every. Idea that runs through our head, No matter how simple or weird it is. That's what we want in a relationship. And what also happens is you teach others that your words don't mean much. Particularly when you blame them later, When you have that argument and you say, You said this and you did it again and you should know da da da da da da. And they said, But you said it's fine. You never said anything. And you may say, But why would I have to say anything? But that makes you, Your integrity about your words. Don't mean much. Because you say this thing, But you actually mean the other thing. How do they know? So you teach them that. Your words don't mean much. And I put in here a story from Korea because last year, Jack and I went to Korea, And we went to this Korean barbecue, And we were sitting there, We were talking, And he said something. I don't remember what it was, What topic. But I do remember that. It felt awa in my chest, In my body. It was like, Mm. And he looked at me and he said, Like, What's going on? And I said, I don't know. Something just. . . Hurt when you said whatever he said and I said when you said this I said it hurts but right now I don't know what to do with it in my brain I don't know what meaning I want to give it I don't know where to go from here. So just continue. Let's just continue because I don't know if I choose to be mad or I choose to be hurt or I choose to be okay. I don't know. I just know. It felt our in my chest and we continued. And after a while, I could, I was able to communicate what went on because of course your brain is, It's doing its part and it goes in circles and finds what might have been. But just so you know, I wanted to give you this example that sometimes it's okay to say that. It's okay to say it hurt me. I don't know why. I don't know in what way. I don't know what to do with it. But this hurt. Anyway, Another way you probably betray yourself and others is when you say yes and you mean no. And I have this so often, Particularly when working with individuals and couples on their relationship when it comes to sexual intimacy, That there is this idea of from women that they say yes, Even though they don't want to. And what I hear is they say, I say yes, So it's done. And I have, I will be left in peace for a week. And then I will do it again. And this is the same that I said before, You teach your partner that your words don't mean anything, Particularly when you hold it against them later. And you don't express what you want, What you need. You hold it back, So your partner can't learn. They can't learn that you might want to have more foreplay. They don't learn that you don't just want them to. . . One client said, Every time her husband comes and gives her a couple of kisses on her neck, She knows he wants sex. And then she feels uncomfortable when she doesn't. But he does that two days in a row. I said, OK, Let's do it. So let's get it over with. She never expresses to him that I want to feel wanted all the time, Not just when you want more. I want you to want me. All the time. They talked about it and it got better. But I wanted to use this as an example, Because this is something that happens in so, So many relationships and people don't talk about it. And you have these expectations that your partner should know they should do differently. Or that you have this idea that, Of course, Sex life becomes less and more boring and more routine over time. But it doesn't have to. It's usually when. Couples don't talk to each other. When they betrayed themselves and say, This is what it is. I don't want to say anything. And now we come to why do we do it? Why don't you say anything? Why don't you express what you need? And whatever your reason behind it is usually some survivor mechanism, Some safety mechanism to keep you emotionally, Physically, Mentally safe. And that could be the reason that you don't want to be left alone, Abundant, So many reasons. But there is some safety mechanism because you protect yourself. You're here to survive. So that's what your body and your brain is doing. Survive. But often what I hear from clients is the belief that I need to keep everything together. Without me. Nothing would work. So I have this identity upgrade group and we talked about this and one of the ladies said I need to do it. If I'm not doing it, Everything would fall apart and no one else is doing it. And I don't want to put more on children, My husband, Et cetera. So I'm doing it. But she never expressed how exhausted she is mentally, Physically, And emotionally that she can't sleep at night. So she never asked for help and says, I need help. Something has to change because otherwise I'm breaking. She didn't. She just continued. Because you believe? I need to keep it all together. I can't ask for help. I can't put it on someone else. There is no help. Or you might believe that I'm easygoing. Nothing bothers me. And that might be the case, Yeah? There are people who are unfazed. And who can deal with that easily. But often. Not often, That's the wrong word here. On the other hand, It could also be that it's a mechanism again. It's the safety mechanism that if I don't let anything come close, Nothing can hurt me. So I'm playing the easygoing one. Or there might be the fear of being alone. And I know for me, 10 years ago, I stayed in that relationship with my alcoholic boyfriend at the time. And I didn't say much when I picked him up in the morning at five before going to work. From a train station that was 30 kilometers away because he was too drunk to get off the train the night before. Didn't make it home. He called me in the morning. Could you just pick me up, Please? And I said, Yeah, Of course. And I did it again and again and again. And my resentment grew and grew and grew. Why did I do it? Because I was desperate. I thought. I believed. If I don't stay in this relationship, That will be the last chance for me for a family. Partner. That was like. . . I need to sit this one out. I can do it. I'm the strong one. I can, I can do it. And eventually he will see me and he will apologize and everything will be beautiful. Never happened. But survivor mechanisms. We do things for a reason. And I thought this is important to me. And you have your reasons. So each of us has their own reasons. So now we come to what to do. What can you do to stop betraying yourself and others? And first of all, You have to be honest, Very, Very honest to yourself. And That means that you become aware why you do it. Why don't you say something? Why don't you say I'm fine when it's not? Why don't you say yes when you say no? Like I became very honest with me that I was desperate. I thought this is my last chance. Until and when I did that, I realized. I'm 36, I still have 50 years to go and that's the best I can do and this is all I get in my life. It's like, Hold on a second. But this is the reason I did it for so many years. And I want you to be that honest with yourself. And don't, My clients then come and say, Oh, I just want them to be happy. And I said, Don't BS me. That's not the reason. Because even I, When people ask me, Anna, Why do you do what you do? Of course I could say, I do it because I want to help people. But that's. . . The side effect, The reason I do what I do is because I love it. I enjoy it. I love being here. I love teaching. I love sharing my knowledge and I love listening and helping others to see themselves and be okay with themselves. I do it for me. And helping you is a side effect, A beautiful one, But I do it for myself. So be honest with yourself. It might not be nice, It might hurt, You might not wanna see it, And that's okay. Try it! And be honest with your partner when you talk to them, When you share with them, When you express what's going on within. Be honest, And they might not like it, And they might not understand. That's okay. I told my partner, My husband now, Like, I'm not ironing. Still years later here in China, During COVID, COVID just started, And I said, Your shirt is there, You can iron it. He said, Well, But you're at home, You have the time, You can do it. And I know you can. I know that you can iron. Yeah, I can, But I won't. He didn't talk to me for three days. He didn't understand how, With all the time and the skills that I had, Wouldn't iron his shirt. And as you can see, I'm not even ironing my stuff. But he didn't understand and he was hurt. He felt hurt. Disappointed, Left alone, Abandoned by me, Unsupported. And that's okay. After three days, We talked and I said, My compromise, I said, This is how far I want to go. I'm willing to go. I take every shirt you have to the dry cleaner. And pick it up again. I'm willing to do that. No matter how often it happens, I'm willing to do that. And both happy for years, No more talk about ironing any shirts. But it's bound to happen when you tell someone the way you behaved and now don't like it. So just bear that in mind. And I just wanted to put here like body, Mind, Energy, What what will happen what can you do specifically apart from being honest with your body you can or nervous system regulate your nervous system because when you do these things when you talk to your partner when you are being honest to yourself You might want to run away and don't want to feel what emotion comes up in your body, But sitting with it will release it. And it will make it easier and it will even go way easier. But you need to sit with it. And for your mind, What you can do, And I teach this method to my clients, Is interesting. Look, Look at me. Look at my brain. I want to say no and I'm saying yes. Look at me. Yeah, What this does. And when you do it without shame, Blame, Or judgment, We're like, Come on, Look at me. Being stupid again. With all the love that you can master in that moment, When you can do that with interest, What's happening is you're disrupting the pattern. You reprogramming your own mind and what happens with your energy physically or your vibration is as soon as you switch from being quiet and shaming and blaming to curiosity. You're raising your vibration. You're raising your physical energy. So go for that. It lifts. Curiosity lifts your spirits. And that brings me to the end of my lecture today.