Identity Red Flags: From Lost To Found

Live Class Recording - Losing yourself rarely happens overnight — it happens in tiny moments that add up. We’ll talk about what identity is, the capacity your identity can hold, what's happening when you say "I don't know who I am any more", and how you can get back to the version of you you've lost.

Transcript

Today we're talking about identity red flags, The signs you lost yourself before you noticed. Done some research before I put everything together and the big question is what is identity? And I found so many different descriptions and definitions for identity but the shortest one which I think brings it to a nice point is for Merriam and Webster. Identity is a distinguishing character or personality of an individual. Now how I look at this is character I would now just classify as the appearance and personality is what we talk about today. I will use personality, Personality traits or identity interchangeable throughout this lecture so that you are aware when we talk about identity we're talking about your personality traits when we talk about personality traits or personality talk about your identity. I want to clarify that to start with and then we go to the next point. I can't see your hand so I can't ask you to raise your hands but I guess I bet even that you have done at least one personality test in your life that has told you that you are a different ones around an ENGK or that you're an avoider or that you have an attachment style or that you have a particular excusing style love style so all these different tests they are floating all around and what they do is they give you an idea of how you likely would perform. It's not set in stone it's not a hundred percent but they give you an idea and often I see particularly in one-on-one clients when I work with my clients direct but I also see it in my students that they take on that personality test result and say this is me I am like this this is why I behave like that and to me that looks like okay here's the draw let's put myself in close the draw put a label on it and this is it this is who I am and I want to introduce you to a different idea. How I see it is that identity, Personality it's a lot it's the good the bad and the ugly so under the right circumstances in the right situations with your right resources mentally physically or emotionally you can be behave behave like mother Teresa tenfold. On the other hand under the right circumstances with the right resources mentally physically or emotionally you can behave like Jack the Ripper tenfold. You have the capacity your identity your personality has the capacity to go from one side of the spectrum to the other and everything in between you have it in you. The question is what resources do you have available like I said mentally emotionally physically are you under a lot of stress a lot of pressure are you doubting yourself a lot and if someone comes in and knacks at you could you shout back the capacity is there could you stay quiet and walk away the capacity is there it's all your identity. So I want to encourage you to see your identity as some sort of negotiation but also some sort of everything is possible just because you have that particular personality trait like people say oh I'm an introvert yeah you might be in the right situation and in other situations you might not be. It depends maybe what person is around you it depends maybe what questions you get asked how engaged are you with the other people it depends everything is possible it's all inside your identity can be all of it and what my clients often say when they come to me is they say I don't know who I am anymore I lost myself that's when we talk about identity loss who am I I don't know but what they actually saying is that version of me that I'm currently displaying I don't like it I want to get rid of it take it away make it go away do something make it go away I don't like this and that's in German we would say the knackpunkt that's the the breaking point that's where everything changes because when you say I lost myself when you don't know who you are anymore and when you are actually saying I don't like this version of me what's happening is an inner fight this is when we talk about you don't notice it because you have thoughts like why am I doing this well why am I like this why can't I be better so there is a lot of shaming a lot of blaming there might be justification that you say oh I've done this because they triggered me oh I've done this because I'm this personality type oh I couldn't do it any other way because they were shouting at me and of course then I'm not just listening and sitting there I'm shouting back but I don't like that personality of me that part of me so what happens is you see this version of you you don't like it and that is the inner war that you're fighting with yourself that you're saying I don't want this I want it to be different I want to be different and because you're then explaining judging shaming yourself for the version that you are displaying or have displayed you're fighting yourself and it feels so hard to change so hard to be different when in fact all you need to do is stop the war with yourself and you do that by accepting that version and I know that sounds really weird and it sounds like too simple and contradictive but what happens is because you're fighting yourself because you're fighting that version of you that is in your capacity to be you're under pressure constantly physically emotionally mentally you're spiraling the whole time you're in your head you're overwhelmed and that makes it hard for change to happen but when you say okay I'm accepting and when I say accepting I don't say that we say I like this one or we put on this fake positivity I'm not saying that what I'm saying is neutral level zero ground level it's like this is part of me without explanation without justification without shame without blame and when you can do that when you can accept in that way that this is part of who you are the pressure falls off the spiral in your head gets quiet but I'm fully aware it's what happens is when you try to accept it or give yourself permission to be that version there is this voice in your head and you fall automatically into justification explanation shaming blaming whatever because that's your automatism that's your pattern that's what you're used to that's your inner critic in a child your judge however you want to call it trying to keep you emotionally safe and you feel safe by doing that by explaining away why you behaving the way you do and when that happens what you do is you acknowledge that voice with all the love that you can master in that moment because that voice is part of you as well and fighting that wall pushing it away putting it in the corner saying shut up doesn't work because it comes back and what do we do then instead we give it acknowledgments I hear you yeah now I want to justify myself now I want to justify explain my behavior I want to even judge other people and blame them for me behaving this way and that's okay when that happens you say okay I hear you thank you I've got this and then the voice comes again and wants to justify explain shame blame even more and you do it again I hear you thank you I've got this and you repeat that and you repeat it and you repeat it and you repeat it many many times because it's an automatism and we're breaking the pattern and we only break the pattern by repeating something different and when you do that when you can sit in that uncomfortable probably emotion the body feels weird being with that not justifying when you can tolerate that and start again and again giving acknowledgement and showing all the love you can master in that moment to that part of you it will change the pattern and you will get to the point where you can accept neutralize be okay neither in a positive nor negative way with that other other version of you that you don't want to display and by doing that when you do that you calm down it's peace peace in your mind and when there is peace and quiet and calm transformation can happen because there's nothing to fight anymore now you can just move forward but until you do that you're fighting against yourself and wanting to have a change but it feels like you're constantly walking against the wall hitting your face against the wall over and over again so accept it accept that version of you not saying you need to like it not saying you need to love it just being neutral towards it say this is part of me i'm capable of mother theresa and jack the ripper and everything in between this is part of me and that brings me to the end of my lecture today