Boundaries Aren’t Walls: They're Invites To Real Intimacy

Live Class Recording - When boundaries are viewed as rejection, they’re often avoided. But when they’re understood as essential to emotional safety and trust, everything changes.

This session explores how setting and honoring boundaries can build deeper intimacy and mutual respect in any relationship.

Transcript

We talk about boundaries aren't walls, They are invitations to real intimacy. And before we get any further, If you've seen my intimacy class, You know that there are different types of intimacy. So there's physical, Emotional, There is intellectual, Social and spiritual intimacy. So we're covering all of them in some degree today. So we're not just talking about the usual intimacy when we talk about sexual or physical intimacy, But also emotional intimacy, Spiritual, Etc. So to set that first. So let's start with the definition of boundaries. And what I found is boundaries are clear limits that protect your emotional and physical well-being without punishing others. So that's the theory, Because I believe that this punishing others often happens that we punish ourselves or we do punish others, But not on purpose. So we're not just going out and do it, Although some people might do that. But in general, You punish others without wanting to hurt them. And from my own experience and working with my clients for over 10 years now, I put some beliefs they hold or they held about boundaries and why they use them or didn't use them in their relationship. So the first one I've written down is you believe boundaries mean not to be open. So you want to be open. You want to experience new things. You want to do new things. You want to meet people and feel like boundaries might close me up again. And when you think that, When people think that this is I can't have boundaries because that means I'm closing up, That holds them actually back from experiencing the joy, Because often it feels like they do stuff. They don't want to do it. They don't enjoy it. But because of this, I want to be open. They put pressure on themselves. So it already shows that setting boundaries and reinforcing the boundary or not reinforcing them or even having them, It's a very small path or tight path, However you say that, But it can go either way. So the second belief that I've written down is you have healthy boundaries, But actually you have fears. So you're setting these boundaries to protect yourself. Yeah, That's correct. That's why they're there. But sometimes we do that too, Because our fear is too strong. So we put these walls up and say, No, No, No, No, No, Or yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Whatever it is. And it's not because it's a healthy boundary and it's good for my mental health. But it's because it's driven by fear of being hurt, Of losing someone or being talked over, Pushed over, Whatever it is. Any kind of fear that holds you then back and helps you or stimulates you to set even more boundaries, Stronger boundaries, Reinforcing them even harder. So that's the other side of that pathway. You can just knock that way. And another belief is that boundaries are hard to set. And when we talk about setting boundaries, What we mean is that you think about what is it that I actually want? How does it feel? How does it look like? And then I have now my boundary defined. So setting a boundary is defining and then telling the person or people how many are there. It doesn't matter. But you speak to someone and say, This is my boundary. That's setting a boundary. And that's actually the easy part. The hard part comes when you reinforce that boundary, When that person then says, But. And that's where many people break down and not sticking to their boundary because they don't want to hurt someone else. And when we talk about building trust, Building intimacy with boundaries, The thing here is that when you set your boundary and when you are open and honest with yourself and your partner talking about your boundary and why you want to have that boundary. And when you're reinforcing that boundary, Yes, They will get upset because sometimes it's not make sense to them and they get hurt. And that is OK. Because they are confused, They are overwhelmed, They might feel triggered, They might feel that, Oh, My God, There's something against me personally. So they take it personally. And that's where the hurt comes in. That's why often we don't want to reinforce our boundary because we don't want to make that other person feel that way. And maybe even when they feel that way, We're afraid that they don't love us anymore. But it's OK. You reinforce it. Let me tell you a quick story. I told my partner I'm not ironing his shirt. He didn't talk to me for three whole days because he said to me, You're not supporting me. You leave me alone here. You can do it. You have the time to do it. And yes, I did have the time. I can do it. I could have done it. He was right with everything he said. And I was like, Yeah, But I won't because I know when I'm standing on that ironing board, I wouldn't feel good. It would feel like I let myself down, That in my brain there would be this movie. Why didn't you stick to it? You know, This is the first time and will happen again the next time you wake up. And it wouldn't be enjoyable. And I would have built resentment towards him. Because I gave in, I didn't reinforce my boundary because I didn't want him to be hurt and love me maybe less. But I stick to it. Like I said, For three days he didn't talk to me. And then he came and he said, Are you ready to talk? And I said, I'm here to talk. And then he asked me again, So why do you want to do this? And I explained it to him. And he said, He doesn't like it. I said, I accept that you don't like it and I'm happy to take your shirt and get it to the dry cleaner, Pick it up and we do it that way. I'm happy to pay for it, But I'm not okay ironing it. And to this day, And that happened a couple of years ago, To this day, He still doesn't understand why I don't want to iron his shirts, But he accepts it. He accepts my boundary and now comes this, Here's my shirt and I say, Okay, You'll get it back in a week. So all is fine. But we had to go through that stage of me telling him, Feeling uncomfortable and him being upset. It is his right. And then him taking the time to be ready to talk about it. And then us finding a middle ground, What works for both of us. So bear that in mind. And I'm also having different examples to see for you to make it easier to stand. Why it helps you with real intimacy. So, For example, You tell your partner, You need 15 minutes alone after work, And this is building emotional intimacy. Because like I said to my partner, I'm not doing this. I was open. I made myself vulnerable so they could see me, What I needed, What I wanted, What I didn't want. And emotional intimacy, In my experience, Is the building block for the other person. The other intimacies, Because it shows that you trust your partner and it shows that they trust you when you have that emotional intimacy. The other example is that saying no to sexual intimacy when you're not feeling connected. And this is, Again, We have this small part, Like, Because sometimes I had clients who said, I don't want to have any sexual intimacy. And when we talk about sexual intimacy, It's not just intercourse. It's also foreplay. It can also be hugging, Physical intimacy. So it's the whole thing from kissing to intercourse, Everything in between. And what happens sometimes is that, Yes, Today you can't be asked because you have so much going on. And then you tell your partner. But sometimes you get used to it. You get used to not having the physical intimacy. And then it becomes like a burden, Something to move away from and something that you forget how to do it. It seems like it's like, When have we done it? When were we intimate the last time? I don't remember. Because you've gotten used to not being physically intimate anymore. So when you have that, When you don't feel in the mood for intercourse, What I suggest to my clients is ask yourself why? What is the reason for it? Because sometimes it's old news. It's not fun. I don't want to do it. Sometimes it's I don't feel comfortable in my body. I don't want to show my body. So I try to avoid it. So there are different reasons for why you don't want to be close to your partner. Figure that out and tell them. And another boundary that invites real intimacy is that you are open when you need cuddles or when you want to kiss your partner, When you want to touch them. Be open when you need it. Don't be afraid. Sometimes my clients tell me I don't want to be too clingy. The thing is, That might be your interpretation. Maybe your partner wants it. Maybe they don't. But it's again, You're being open. You're setting this boundary. Say, I need hugs when I come home after a day of work because it makes me feel good. It makes me feel connected. It gives my life meaning. It gives me life back. And then you say, Can we do that? Can we hug for, I don't know, A minute or so. And when your partner says, Well, I don't like that. That's too long. It's OK. Don't be offended. They might have a different thing they would like to do for a minute that may be connected in a different way, But gives you what you need and give them what they need and what they can provide. So be open. And then the big question is, Why do we want to set boundaries? I hear this a lot on the internet. It's good for your mental health. Of course it is. But it also builds mutual respect and safety. When you get used to telling your partner, This is what I need or this is what I want to do. This is what I don't want to do. And they know it. And you have talked about it. Is there a middle way? What can we do? How are they feeling about it, Et cetera? So when you have gone through it. The next time your partner comes and says, I don't want to do this, I say, OK, What do you want instead? Because you have built that trust that it has nothing to do with you or they know that it has nothing to do with them. It's just you trust each other, That you communicate your needs and your emotional feelings with them without meaning that they are to blame for it. And of course, It reduces emotional reactivity and overgiving. Again, It's a very narrow path. Where does it start? Where does it end? Because sometimes we feel like, I want to do this. And then we figure out, Like, I actually don't enjoy it, But I want to do it for my partner. And my go to idea, Thought is. How much am I willing to give? So, For example, My partner, He loves football and he says to me, Oh, When we're back in Germany or when we're in a different country and his favorite club is playing every other weekend, We go and and watch. Hold on a second. I love to spend time with you, But every other weekend, That's too much for me. But I try it. I do it for maybe a month or two and see how I feel right now in my head. There are the alarm signals going off and saying, No, No, No, No, No, No. We don't do that. But I want to give it a chance. I want to see how I feel and I want him then to respect my decision to say I come with you once a month and. The time in between, You can go with your dad, Your brother, Whoever. But I want to be open, I want to see it, Because right now it's only my imagination. If I haven't had the experience before, It's just my imagination. And if I would have the experience before and say I don't enjoy it, That's fair enough. I would say I would still try it once because it might be different. What I experienced 10 years ago, I was a different person then. I had different thoughts, Feelings, Et cetera. So maybe now as this older person, New person, Different person, I might see it differently. I might experience it differently. And maybe I'm also with a different person. So that might have an impact as well. So I would be open and try it and I would like to encourage you to try it as well and see how does it feel for you, What comes up. So the big question is, What can you do to invite that intimacy in your relationship with boundaries? And I have put down three things. The first one is practice saying this is important to me without apologizing. We often like to do this. We want to apologize. I'm very sorry, But this is not OK for me. You don't need to be sorry. I know it feels natural sometimes to just say it because we're so used to it and we see other people do it. And sometimes society even thinks that this is a way forward. But there is no need to apologize for what you need. It's not. It's your birthright to need stuff and to ask for it. If you get it, That's a different question. Identify one place where resentment shows up. Trace it to a missing boundary because resentment, We. What I experienced is that resentment builds stronger when we don't have boundaries, And then we start blaming the other person. We blame our partner for something that we did or we didn't do and how we feel. So if he wouldn't have done that, I wouldn't have to feel this way. If he would have said that, I wouldn't have said this. And by doing that, By not having that boundary and reinforcing it. You build resentment because you don't you haven't spoken about that boundary. You didn't say this is the point where it stops. And so your partner just jumps over that point again and again because they are not aware. And even when you say, You know that I don't want you to do that. You probably haven't reinforced the boundary. You didn't say, If you do this, This is what's going to happen. Like I said, If you want me to iron your shirt, I won't do it. It won't get ironed. That's the consequence of my boundary. And if you haven't communicated that and if you do that, Make sure that you actually then do it and that you say something that you will do and mean it in a good way, Not in a punishing way or to hurt them, Like we said before, Punishing others, But that you do it for your good. And if you like journaling, Journal your yeses and nos for a week to see where you're overextended. Just mark a little experiment. Write down where did you say yes? Where did you say no? How did it feel? Give it a rating system from 1 to 10 or 1 to 4, Whatever you want, And just see what happened here. How did it make me feel? And be honest. That's the main thing. Be honest to yourself. Because as I like to say, The relationship what you have with your partner is a reflection of the relationship you have with yourself. So if you start being honest to yourself, That's when you start being honest with your partner, And that's where the intimacy grows. And that brings me to the end of my lecture today.