Compassion Through Looking Inside

Buddhist teacher and author Wendy Shinyo Haylett discusses the practice of Naikan and leads an analytical meditation that uses compassion to reflect on our more difficult relationships without judgement.

Transcript

In this meditation,

I will introduce you to a practice of self-examination called Naikon.

The word Naikon means looking inside.

The practice of Naikon was a part of our lay ministry training with the Bright Dawn Center of Oneness Buddhism as taught by Greg Kreech,

Who is a friend and mentor.

He wrote the book,

Naikon,

Gratitude,

Grace,

And the Japanese Art of Self-Reflection.

I offer a special thank you to Greg for introducing me and so many others to this practice,

And I am able to share this meditation and practice because of him and my late teacher,

The Reverend Koyo Kobose.

Just a little history of Naikon before we get into it.

Naikon was developed by Ishin Yoshimoto in the 1940s.

Yoshimoto was a devout Chin Buddhist,

And he applied a method of meditation and self-reflection called Mishirabi.

This practice was rooted in an awareness of two basic Shin Buddhist principles.

The first of these are the boundless compassion given to us by life,

And the second is the inherent self-centeredness that is at the core of much of our thoughts and actions.

You can see the tension between those two.

Now essentially,

This is the key.

These two things are the key to the faith of Shin Buddhism.

It's not a faith in a deity,

A Buddha,

Or a god,

Even though it could be understood that way,

But a faith in the everyday efforts of others to support and care for us,

Or even in the faith in the things in our lives that support and care for us,

Like running water or refrigeration,

Things that were invented,

Created,

And produced,

Again,

By others.

The reality-based examination of our lives can help us to develop a natural sense of gratitude for the support given to us by others,

Others close to us and distant others we don't even know.

This support has always been there,

But goes largely unnoticed and unappreciated.

Reflection helps us realize the care that has always been there and appreciate how we couldn't live without the support of others.

Now when doing this reflection,

We see how much we have received from all of life and the countless ways we have been loved and cared for.

We see that despite our mistakes,

Despite our own inherent selfishness,

We are still supported.

We have to be a certain way or a good person to be supported by life.

Life has not turned its back on us despite any of our failures.

Although this is a one-time guided meditation,

Like any practice of self-reflection,

It needs to be repeated so the awareness we gain doesn't fade from our consciousness,

Smothered by the obstacles and problems of everyday.

Too often,

And this is borne out by the psychology of negativity bias,

Too often we focus on disappointments,

Hurt,

Anger,

Anxiety.

What if instead we made a practice of focusing on the support,

Care and kindness we receive every day?

So after this introduction,

I'll begin the Nikon meditation practice,

The guided practice,

Right now.

First,

Find a quiet place where you won't be disturbed and set an intention to approach this meditation with a non-judgmental and curious mindset,

Being open to the ideas presented and without attaching any negative connotations.

Sit in a comfortable position with your back straight but relaxed,

Your head aligned with your spine,

Your feet flat on the ground and your hands resting on your lap or knees.

Now take a few deep breaths and allow yourself to relax.

Next,

Think of a person who you have an uneasy relationship with or tend to have conflicts with.

This person could be a partner,

A friend,

A co-worker,

A teacher,

A parent or a child.

So next I will guide you in the Nikon reflection and that's based on three questions.

When you think about this person,

Think about them in contemplating the three questions.

You can reflect either based on a specific period of time that's more recently or in the past.

So you ask yourself these questions and I'll guide you through them one at a time.

The three questions are,

What have I received from this person?

Number two,

What have I given to this person?

And number three,

What trouble and difficulties have I caused this person?

Now these questions seem simple and they are.

The complexity lies in reflecting on these questions honestly.

It's not a deeply intellectual analysis,

But a challenge to see life just as it is.

So I will use an example to help you frame the exercise for yourself.

In reflecting on my mother who passed away in 1997,

But who has represented some emotional distress to me,

Not from particularly harmful behavior on her part,

But as a consequence of my sexual orientation and her natural parenting response.

So I first ask,

What have I received from my mother?

And this is where your reflection begins.

Despite difficulties or challenges in your relationship with the person you are using as the subject of the inquiry,

The focus of the first question is on the care and support you receive from them or you have received from them.

Now with a mother,

Like in my case,

It is easy to see how much loving care you received even prior to your birth.

The care she took of her body to make sure you were protected after you were born.

The care of you as an infant and as a child.

The many things she sacrificed so that you would be happy and healthy.

So in my case,

Even despite challenging feelings,

In this reflection I am focusing on how much care and support I received from her.

And that was true,

No matter what else I used to feel or what else I do feel towards her right now.

If you were focusing on your partner,

You might look for some of the little things that they do for you every day,

Like cooking,

Grocery shopping,

Washing the dishes,

Picking up after you when you're in a hurry or reminding you of an appointment when you seem to have forgotten it,

Or even telling you you have spinach in your teeth before you walk out the door.

There are many small,

Seemingly insignificant things that people do for us every single day.

Things we take for granted.

Now in doing this reflection on your own after this guided meditation,

You might start a journal and make a list of the things you reflect on in the three questions.

And in doing that,

It will probably surprise you how long the list can get.

A deeper sense of gratitude will naturally arise,

Opening your heart-mind to the grace that is the foundation of all of life.

Without consciously looking at all the little ways the world supports us,

Instead we tend to focus on our problems and frustrations,

Causing a sense of self-pity and suffering.

After you spend about 10 minutes in reflection on the first question,

Which we won't do that now,

You move to the second question.

The second question again is,

What have I given to this person?

It is our self-cherishing nature to feel as if the world and everyone else owes me.

A sense of entitlement is easy to fall into.

Why didn't so-and-so thank me when I dropped by their groceries for them?

Why doesn't my boss appreciate me?

Why is the pizza delivery person so late?

You see,

It's what we do.

If we reflect on what we've given to another or others,

It is easy to see that our balance sheet might be heavily weighted on the side of others giving to me.

So in my case,

Am I in debt to my mother or is my mother in debt to me?

I think I'm in debt to my mother,

No matter what our difficulties were.

Now like the first question,

The second question,

When you pose that for your own reflection or self-analysis,

Take 10 minutes to list specific examples,

Avoiding generalizations.

Now the third and final question is probably the most challenging,

And that's what troubles or difficulties have I caused this person?

Now when I do this,

It's like I can come up with millions of things.

And when I think about what I've given to this person in the second question,

I can barely come up with anything.

So this third question,

Depending on who you are and maybe what some of your psychological triggers are,

This could be a problem for you.

It isn't for me,

But the question again is what troubles or difficulties have I caused this person?

Generally,

We focus more on how other people cause us problems or cause us inconvenience.

Maybe somebody cuts us off in traffic,

Or maybe the person in front of us at the post office has a lot of package and we have to stand there forever.

We are hyper aware of how others cause us problems.

But when we are the source of the trouble or the inconvenience,

We often don't notice it at all.

Or if we do,

We think,

Oh,

It was just an accident or I didn't mean it.

Not such a big deal.

Now Yashimoto,

The founder of this Nikon practice,

Suggested that when we reflect on ourselves,

We should spend at least 60% of the time considering how we have caused others trouble.

If we are not willing to see and accept those events in which we have been the source of others suffering,

Then we cannot truly know ourselves or know the grace that life offers us every day in millions of small ways.

So in this third question,

Take at least 10 minutes,

Or if you can do as Yashimoto expressed,

Maybe 30 minutes,

Maybe 40 minutes,

Maybe 50 minutes,

And make a list of the troubles and difficulties we have caused others in the past 24 hours.

In my case,

Reflecting on the relationship with my mother,

Oh,

I created a long list of difficulties from being a moody and emotional teenager to not being there for her many times when she needed me as she began to age.

But more generally,

On someone you might be focusing on,

Did you criticize someone?

Did you leave dishes in the sink for someone else to wash?

Did you keep someone waiting for a response to an email or a telephone call?

Try to be as specific as possible.

The last part of this practice,

After the three questions,

Is a more typical sort of analytical meditation.

It's to reflect on the reflections.

What can you learn from what you found in your examination?

Review your list carefully on a frequent basis.

What are you aware of that you weren't aware of before?

What have you taken for granted?

What do you need to do,

And what do you need to do differently?

You can do this practice daily prior to bedtime,

Which is a typical Nikon daily practice.

Or if you're like me,

That becomes too rote and you just start padding your lists,

Then you can make it a weekly review or a monthly review.

You know,

We think we know our own life,

But what we know is only an edited version,

Colored by our emotions and narrow vision.

So to end today's meditation,

Take a few deep breaths,

Bring your attention back to the present moment,

Reflect on how this practice has affected your perspective on the relationship you selected and how it helped you to see things in maybe a more balanced and compassionate way.

It may create a greater sense of empathy or gratitude and a responsibility towards another person.

Nikon meditation is a practice of self-reflection and awareness,

So it's important to approach it with an open and curious mindset,

Free from judgment of yourself or others and free from criticism.

The more you practice Nikon,

The more you'll be able to develop a greater sense of gratitude,

Compassion and responsibility towards yourself and others.

And now when you're ready,

Open your eyes to what's around you.

Take a few moments to ground yourself before moving on with your day.

Reviews

Delicious food for thought and balanced reflection. Namaste 🤓🙏🏻

Incorporation of this can benefit one greatly, Thank you