Oh,
Well,
Hello there.
My name is Terry Cole,
And I'm a licensed psychotherapist,
A relationship expert,
The author of Boundary Boss,
Too Much,
And Father Wound,
Coming out in October.
In this little educational video,
I'm going to be talking about the difference between a boundary and an ultimatum,
Because there is a lot of confusion about this out there in the interwebs.
People often confuse boundaries and ultimatums.
And they're actually very different.
The terms themselves,
Often you'll see them used interchangeably.
But they are rarely defined properly according to me.
So what is a boundary?
I want you to think about a boundary or your boundaries as your own personal rules of engagement.
This is how you let people know what's okay with you.
And what's not okay with you.
Your boundaries are made up of your limits.
Your desires and your deal breakers.
Right,
And your preferences.
So there's preferences.
Limits,
Desires,
And deal breakers.
According to Terry Cole,
That's me.
That is what makes up your boundaries.
And a boundary is about what you will do to take care of yourself.
It's information about your limits and the actions you'll take if those limits aren't respected.
So what is an ultimatum?
Well,
An ultimatum is usually or often the last request.
In a long line of request for changed behavior.
It emphatically states that if the person doesn't comply,
The relationship will change dramatically or end,
Right?
When you're giving someone an ultimatum,
Like you do this or else.
A healthy ultimatum,
Right?
Let's think about that.
Is the final enforcement of a clearly communicated boundary.
It's not the beginning of one.
So I do believe that some people will say.
That our deal breakers are ultimatums.
And if we are going to put it in that language,
I'll say that your deal breakers,
Which are the things you will not tolerate in relationships.
They are your healthy.
Ultimatums.
It's the end of the road for you there.
For some people,
Infidelity is a deal-breaker.
Right?
Some people can work through it.
Other people just go,
No,
I don't want to.
So I think it's unrealistic to think that we'll never have.
Ultimatums,
But mistaking boundaries for ultimatums.
That they are not the same thing.
Let's listen to the difference,
Right?
The progression of it.
You might say,
If you're in an argument with someone and they're getting loud,
Could you stop yelling?
So this is a request,
Not a boundary.
Stop yelling.
This is a demand,
Not a request and not a mantra.
If you continue yelling,
I'm going to end this conversation.
Now this is a boundary.
You may say,
We've talked about this many times.
If you yell at me again,
I'm ending the relationship.
And this is a healthy ultimatum.
So,
Or in my language,
I say it is the reinforcement or the enforcement of a consequence that the person was well aware was on the table.
So the key difference here is that a boundary is about what you will do.
A demand is about what they should do.
An ultimatum communicates that you're about to enforce a major boundary after repeated violations.
So we don't start with.
An ultimatum.
Follow through is a really important aspect of this.
So a healthy boundary doesn't require an agreement,
Right?
They don't have to necessarily be on board.
It requires you to be consistent,
Right?
The power of the boundary comes from your follow through,
Not convincing someone else that you have a right to it or that you need them to co-sign it.
It's you knowing what you will do if.
.
.
Your boundary is repeatedly overset.
When bound,
When on ultimatum.
Is legitimate.
This is at the end.
We are not starting with ultimatums.
A healthy ultimatum is appropriate after you've had many conversations about this and you have reached the end of your rope,
Right?
And the bottom line is.
.
.
When you are talking about a real deal breaker for you.
Only you know what that is.
Nobody else needs to agree with your deal breaker.
And for some people being yelled at,
I personally could never stay in a relationship with someone who is volatile like that.
It's just my nervous system is just too gentle for that.
I couldn't take it.
Some people are used to it and they do take it and it's not even a big deal for them.
So your deal breakers are your own is my point.
So,
Ask yourself.
But when you're trying to figure out,
Is this a boundary or an ultimatum?
Am I trying to get them to change or am I communicating what I will do to protect myself?
Make sense?
Because those two things are different.
Really hope that this added value to your life got you to think about something that you hadn't thought about or think about it in a way that you hadn't thought about.
And as always,
Take care of you.
