Your VIP Section

Welcome to Day 5 of the 10-Day Boundary Challenge. Imagine that your life has a VIP section like a club or venue. You are in charge of that area, create the guest list, and are the only bouncer. Today’s session is about raising your awareness of who is in the VIP section and why not everyone should be admitted. The more you understand the underlying reasons for allowing entitled or misguided people to take up important space in your life, the easier it will be to draw needed boundaries.

Transcript

Well,

Hello and welcome to day five of the boundaries challenge.

I'm your host,

Terry Cole.

I am a psychotherapist,

The author of Boundary Boss and the creator of the Boundary Bootcamp Course.

I've been obsessed with empowering people around healthy boundaries for over two decades.

Can you believe that we're already halfway through the boundaries challenge and you are doing great?

So just keep going.

You got this.

All right.

So to recap,

Yesterday we talked about boundary bullies and today we're talking all about your VIP section.

So I want you to imagine that your life has a VIP section,

Kind of like a club or a venue.

You're in charge of that area.

You create the guest list and you are the only bouncer.

This means that you get to decide who gets the privilege of your company,

Your time and your energy.

If you don't learn how to put up that all important velvet rope to protect your VIP section,

You might find yourself endlessly twisting yourself into a pretzel and inconveniencing yourself for anyone who feels entitled.

The truth,

Not everyone deserves a 24 hour backstage pass to your amazing life.

You get to make that choice.

So let's think about now,

Who do you do favors for or rearrange your schedule to accommodate?

If your boundaries are disordered,

You may lack the ability to make a distinction between non-priority people who feel entitled to take a VIP seat in your life and your real deal priority folks who belong there.

So I'm going to give you an example of one of my clients.

A former client had this difficulty of discerning between priority and non-priority people in her life.

Instead of being led by how she felt about the other person or their level,

Like their honest level of importance to her,

She was influenced by what the other person expected and what the other person wanted from her.

At her lowest point,

She came in for a session and told me that she had an issue with her husband about the amount of time that she was spending helping a friend care for their dog.

Turns out there was a woman in her yoga class who sprained her ankle and asked my client if she could help by walking her dog a couple of times a week for like a week or two.

She agreed,

But somehow two months later was still walking Yoga Lady's dog.

Her husband felt marginalized as his wife was giving away her time,

Attention,

And energy literally to a woman she barely knew from her yoga class.

Eventually she and I came to the conclusion that she really was suffering from being a people pleaser,

And we really worked on why that was and how to shift that around for her.

Then she was able to give herself permission to clean up the VIP section of her own life by denying access to non-priority people regardless of how entitled they felt.

Now happily the only dog she walks is her own.

So let's dive into our daily mindful action.

Grab your notebook and pen and create space for two different lists,

Your VIPs and your non-VIPs.

The point of today's mindful action is to help you make the distinction between non-priority people who feel entitled and the real deal people who belong in your VIP section.

So we're going to be taking an inventory.

So please use the following questions right now.

You're going to think about them to make the distinction about who belongs in your VIP section.

You're going to think about the non-VIPs who feel entitled to take up space in your VIP section or the people who you go out of your way for,

Accommodate,

Change your schedule for,

Do favors for,

Or people that you might even work hard to please,

Even though in reality they are lower priority people,

But you're sort of just being bamboozled by their entitlement.

If you need some help,

Further help let's say,

Deciding who belongs in your VIP section,

I want you to bring someone to mind and then you're going to answer these questions in your mind.

Does spending time with this person energize or deplete you?

Do you look forward to spending time with them or do you secretly kind of dread it?

Does this relationship feel like an obligation rather than a choice?

Is the relationship based on the other person's desire to spend time with you rather than your own?

Let me repeat that for you.

When thinking about someone in your life,

Does spending time with this person energize or deplete you?

Do you look forward to spending time with them or do you dread it?

Does this relationship feel like an obligation rather than a choice?

Is the relationship based on the other person's desire to spend time with you rather than your own?

So you're going to use the answers to those questions to make a list of all of the non-VIPs who are currently taking up seats in your VIP section.

I will keep my eye on the timer while you journal and I'll let you know when it's time to stop.

We're going to be journaling together for about three minutes.

Okay,

Please finish up what you're writing and let's check in.

How are you feeling after assessing your VIP section?

Did you have any aha moments?

Did you learn anything?

How did you feel about it?

And listen,

Your VIPs don't have to be perfect,

Right?

They're human just like you and I,

But they certainly should not leave you feeling constantly constrained,

Used or abused.

Whether relatives,

Friends or demanding colleagues,

You don't need to dramatically excommunicate anyone unless you want to,

Right?

Doing this inventory isn't about cutting off all the people.

It's about interacting with them with healthy boundaries,

Which means appropriately being appropriately invested in this.

Part of the journey of really becoming masterful at boundaries is shifting away from the mindset of the conditioned self and moving towards a conscious,

Self-determined life.

Okay,

I cannot wait to read your comments about this one for today's challenge.

So I will catch you tomorrow where we're going to be talking about over giving and over functioning.

And a gentle reminder that between now and our next session together,

Please listen to your boundary meditation,

Which you'll find on my profile and I will see you tomorrow.

Reviews

It is interesting how I had started identifying non VIP just prior to this course. Many family of origin issues have interfered with developing healthy boundaries.

First class

Thank you, it is great to listen to your words about boundaries.

Love this course! Thank you

Thanks

🤝🤝

This exercise today is very good. I am reminded to assess my boundaries. There are still friends and family members who are taking up so much of my space and time. Now, I would want to strengthen my boundaries.

Helpful to think through who I should prioritize in my life. Who do I want in my VIP section. Who due to time or change of season in life needs to be removed from that VIP section.

This challenge is life changing and reaffirming. It liberates you from being all things to all people because it teaches that boundaries are absolutely necessary and appropriate. Thank you. Forever grateful.

Loving this challenge. Really has me thinking about my boundaries. When I'm going thru similar things in my life atm

i am loving this ten day series so much!

ms cole, do you by chance have any trusted or repsected colleagues in the denver area? i am tackling a big challenge and feel like i could use the assistance of someone who thinks and acts and works in the way that you do. would love a recommedation 🥰

This is so awakening!

Ahhhmazing thanks 🙏

This really opened my eyes to who needs to be in my non-VIP section. Thank you.

Today’s session eas a confirmation of what I already knew in regards to my VIP vs Non VIP. Now to use healthy boundaries we’re appropriate

I loved these questions, because they made me see how far I've come in this. I have had to cut a lot of people out of my life or limit their access to me because the relationship drained me so much. It made me feel proud that I am able to do this for myself and that I feel ok with saying no now. No more crumbs for me! Feels great!