95. Perfect Imperfections: 4 Ways To Rethink Our Mistakes

We fail and make mistakes because we are all works in progress. Life is messy. But we are not supposed to be perfect. Our flaws are the aspects of ourselves we are meant to focus on and correct. Listen in as Monica and Michael explain the deeper purpose of imperfections and why they are so important to our soul’s work in this lifetime.

Transcript

You have to have a vision of who you want to become and you have to see that it's possible because if not, What's really going to guide you? You could stay in that place of sadness. You can stay stuck in that and then there's no movement. Welcome to Spiritually Hungry, Episode 95. So guess what? Surprise. I have a story. Oh, I love your stories. Do you? Yes. You tell me if I ever- Even after 96 episodes. Where were you at 96, 95? They were 95. I just said 95. That's scary. Even after 95 episodes, I still love your stories. So maybe you're- 25 years and 95 episodes. There you go. And counting. Keep telling stories. So you've probably heard the story before. They made a movie out of it. It was a book and the book was called Unbroken by Laura Hillenbrand and it tells the life story of Louis Sylvie Zamperini, Known as Louis. Many of you might also be familiar with the movie adaptation directed by Angelina Jolie, But I don't think you watched it, Right? I did not watch it. Do you recommend watching it? I did. I don't know if it's your genre. Okay. But yeah, The book's better. We've just given zero information to our listeners. I'm getting there. It's funny. It just reminds me of this completely off topic. We had this conversation. When you go to a restaurant, You say you have to write the server. What's your favorite dish? That's zero information because you have no idea if you and him or her have the same taste. At all. So you're getting literally zero information. You should ask what's the most popular dish. Yes. But still. I usually ask what's the freshest or- So when you would get movie recommendations, You really have to know if you actually have the same taste in movies than the person you're asking. Otherwise, It means nothing. Yeah. But this is a true story. I'm just trying to just be interested in this kind of storyline. Okay. Zamperini first gained national attention as a runner in the 1936 Berlin Olympics where he was congratulated by Adolf Hitler after running the fastest lap of the 5, 000 meter race. Louis joined the military in 1940 and was trained as a bombardier. Is that how you pronounce that? Somebody who throws bombs. Well, I would assume a bombardier, But I'm not sure. I think you're probably right. So let's say a bombardier, But we could both be wrong. In B-52s, In 1943 during World War II while on search and rescue mission for a missing plane, Louis' own plane crashed into the Pacific Ocean. I think you're going to remember this story. Zamperini and two other soldiers struggled to stay alive on a life raft with just a few small tins of drinking water, A flare gun, Some fishing line, And a couple of Hershey candy bars. Their struggle was exasperated by vicious sharks, Blistering heat, Treacherous swells, And Japanese fighter pilots. Can you imagine? On day 33, One of the three survivors, Francis- They were on the boat for 33 days? Yeah, And longer. So on day 33, One of the three survivors, Francis McNamara died. Forty-seven days after the plane crashed, Zamperini and Russell Phillips were rescued by the Japanese. Oh, Wow. They're thrown in jail. It goes from really bad to much, Much worse. Louis spent the next two years undergoing torture as a Japanese prisoner of war. His fate was unknown. Nobody had any idea he was there. Louis had been declared dead a year and a day after his plane went down and was posthumously awarded a Purple Heart. The condolence letter his parents received was signed by President Franklin Roosevelt. Miraculously, Zamperini survived and was liberated at the end of the war. The American public was stunned to learn Zamperini's survival, And Louis became a celebrity for the second time. Upon arriving home, Louis begins drinking heavily, Even while touring the country at the request of the military to use the celebrity status to sell war bonds. He was consumed with anger and fueled by his desire for revenge, Particularly the sadistic POW camp leader, Mutsahiro Watanabe, Whom Louis and other POWs called the Bird. He frequently suffered from hallucinations often featuring frightening appearances by the Bird. When Louis met and married his wife, Cynthia, He briefly looked like his life would turn around, But he continued down his physical and emotional spiral with his depression and drinking becoming even more severe after he dashed his dreams of ever competing in another Olympics game. It goes on and on. He ended up at one point, He strangled his wife. He almost harmed their infant daughter. He was obviously having post-traumatic stress and he was very, Very angry. He was tortured for many years. And he planned to go back to Japan, But not motivated by a desire for revenge, Rather to tell his captors. So he had this spiritual awakening when his wife brought him to Reverend Billy Graham, And it was his first spiritual epiphany that he ever had. And until then, He was just consumed with rage and need for revenge. And after that, He wanted to go back to Japan to find the Bird to kill him, Really. But then after this epiphany, He really wanted to go back to forgive him. So yeah, It does end happily. He learned to skateboard in the 70s and he remained physically and mentally active until his 90s and he passed in 2014 at age 97. So at its core, Zimperini's story is about the capacity for survival, The ability to overcome even the deepest emotional scars and finding purpose in serving others. It's the classic redemption story. And so we want to talk about redemption and we want to talk about repentance, But I think I'm more interested in talking about repair because I think those words can be misunderstood. When we think about repenting, We think about repenting for our sins. If we think about redemption, What are we redeemed from? To be able to actually do those things, This repair has to actually occur for each person. So let's talk about what repentance is. Or repair, I think it really is. Well, As we understand repentance, How we hear it day to day, It's to feel regret or contrition or to change one's mind. That's how it's defined by the dictionary. The Bible shows that repentance is characterized by an understanding of a seriousness of a sin, A deep desire to be forgiven, And a determined commitment to change behavior and thoughts in order to stop sinning. I guess also I have a problem with the word sin. And repentance can be shallow, Such as the remorse we feel because of fear of punishment. So that's where it kind of goes wrong, Right? If you're actually repenting or you want forgiveness because you're afraid of what will happen to your soul or whatever your religious beliefs are. And not a positive way, Right? Like if I'm forgiven, Then all is done. But where's the repair actually? Where's that transformation that occurs in taking responsibility for things you've done? So in Christianity and Catholicism, There's a heavy emphasis on humans' inevitable draw towards sin and their distance from God as a result of that. I just feel like it's black and white when you just look at it that way. Right. So my perspective would be completely different. Because the Kabbalah's take is a different approach altogether. It's not about dodging punishment or appeasing God, Nor is it a prerequisite to have a relationship to God. It's about connecting to the Creator even when we've fallen, No matter where we are, Right? It's to go back to that place of being whole again. Because the thing is, Again, We've talked about this. People often think they're the worst things they've ever done. And then they stay there and they feel beaten and down and they don't actually move from that space. So it's about really connecting to your wholeness, Even when you do things that are wrong. That's part of it, Right? I would begin the conversation with the understanding, This ancient Kabbalahistic word, Which I think is probably the most powerful as it pertains to this conversation, The concept of Tikkun, Which is that. . . Which means correction. Which means that each one of us comes into this world, Not perfect, Actually with a whole suitcase of ways and processes that we need to transform, Change through. And one of the most important first steps, And I think this is important for every single one of us, And I wonder even people who are involved in spirituality, How much focus this is given, This really needs to be the starting point. If you asked yourself, What do I need to correct? Now, Again, I want to be very clear. I don't mean I hurt so and so yesterday. That's another category of things. Those are secondary to the core. The core is, What is it about me that I want to make better? Am I somebody who gets angry easily? Am I somebody who gets jealous easily? Am I somebody who's very selfish often? Am I somebody who's very lazy? Every one of us has different parts of us that we came to this world to correct. And I think that has to be the starting point, Which is. . . Would you say that's part of your nature? You can call it nature. Some people say, And I don't want to say it bothers me, But sometimes a person says, What can I do? That's who I am. That's the way I am. Well, Yeah, Know who you are, But then know that the reason why you're in this world is to maximize the positive parts of you and transform the parts of you that need to be transformed. So when we talk about repair though, As people understand it, It's usually to repair something that's obviously broken. Well, That's why broken is also a very strong term. I wouldn't use broken. I'm just saying that that's how people understand repair. You have to repair a relationship that's broken. To repair an argument that you had with somebody because it affects the quality of the relationship. Right. Yeah. But that's not the core. Those are all secondary elements of what I would focus on. It would begin with me. How do I make myself even more perfected? How do I first ascertain what are those parts of me? And I would literally write a list and I would recommend to every one of our listeners, Get to know yourself. Not, Again, It's important to know the good stuff. What are my qualities? What are the blessings or the gifts that I have to, Because those have to be developed as well. It's not good enough to say, Well, I'm a very good public speaker, Get better at that. I'm good at attaining wisdom, Get better at that and so on and so forth. And I think today we want to focus on getting to know myself and in the deepest way. And I wonder, You know, If you asked me and if I asked you, I would assume because we are thinking in this way often, I can come up with the list. What are the top three to five things that my soul came into this world to repair? And again, What I mean by that, Not specifically as it relates to other people, But specifically as it relates to myself. How do I become the perfected and again, Perfect is not a good word, But the perfect. . . We talked about this last week, Perfected. . . Perfected person. And the only way to do that is by focusing on the process of Tikkun, Which is again, First get to know yourself. What are the things that you know are the top three, Top five, Whatever that list is of areas that you need to get better at? And yes, From there will flow because for instance, For example, If a person realizes they are by nature easy to anger and that's an area of their Tikkun part of their self-repair, Of course it also manifests in how I interact with other people, But that's secondary. The reason why I want to work on becoming less of an angry person is not simply because it will enable me to have better relationships with people, But rather it will make me better, Period. So what's interesting is what you are suggesting is that we focus on the cause and not the effect. The effect would be to resolve a relationship with somebody because you were angry and you lost your temper and you keep doing that and then you're having repeating arguments. What you're saying is work on the anger. Well I would say you would definitely work on both, But the reason you're doing it is different, Which means if you're a person who has anger, Right, And you're on a desert island and you'll never interact with any person, You still should be working on your anger. Not because the way it affects your relationships with people or the way you hurt people with it, Which is also important, But the main reason why you want to work on it is because you need to transform to be a better version of yourself. Yeah, What I was just saying is that it sounds to me, If I was thinking of an analogy, Is that you'd want to work on if a person had a gene for a certain disease. Before the disease manifested, You work with taking care of that, Right, Not the symptom, But the actual seed of it. And also, I think it's interesting because if you think about it, I think most people only do this kind of work that we're suggesting at the Jewish New Year Rosh Hashanah or the Gregorian calendar, The New Year's Rewriter Resolutions, And we think, Oh, These are the things that I want to change. We don't often do this deep, Deep work of really looking in and saying, Okay, What parts of me stand out as being, And for lack of a better word, Just being ugly to myself in the past year. I love that word, But okay. I know, But it's kind of like you need to kind of look at it with a real bright light to be able to see it. Also true. If not, I don't know how honest you can be with yourself. Right. And then I do want to make the point that I often, We of course interact with people involved in the spiritual journey very often. And it is too often, I would say viewed as, You know, How do I either get more or become better, Which is sort of the positive side, Which is also important, But really at the core, Why am I in this world is to make myself better. And myself better means, As we said, You have to have clarity on what isn't the best, Not just focused on, Oh, What are the areas that I hurt people with? Important, But not the core. And therefore I would begin for our listeners, That process, That thought process, Really get to know yourself. And you know, There's a. . . Because you won't know what to repair if you don't actually have that. Right. Well, You'll be going after the effects. You'll say, Okay, Well, I, You know, I hurt that person or I have this issue with that, Or I don't like my boss or whatever it is, But the kind of repair really, I mean, To repair something, You have to be able to identify it as flawed. I don't know the word broken, But really if it's not working, Then you need to fix it. So, And I always, I often talk about that as being emotionally intelligent with yourself, Really knowing the ins and outs of, Of who you are. And I would add to that a very important Kabbalistic teaching, Which is that we know that there's this force that tries to distract us from the important things and keeps us focused on the less important things or the frivolous things, The unimportant things. And the teaching says that that force will let you work on everything in the world and invest a tremendous amount of time and effort even in doing certain spiritual, One can call them, But betterment actions and processes, But not the most important ones for your transformation. And that's why whatever list that you've made, Assuming it's the true list, You're going to come to realize that those are much more difficult for you to transform than so many other what others would say. Like we know this, Like there's people who can share with the world, Right? Whether it's time and money, They do great things for the world, But when it comes to their interpersonal relationships, For example, They fail greatly. So, And what happens sometimes is a person says, Well, I do these 10 things amazing, Right? Yeah, I have these two flaws, But this is much greater than this. But the reality is that it is the most important parts of us that we need to correct that we are going to find to be the most difficult ones to focus on. Well, Also, And stay with me, I just want to explain this. I think this is a really great example. Imagine that you loan out a sizable amount of money, Let's say $10, 000. But when it comes time to collect repayment, You only remember loaning $100 because you only remember loaning 100, That's all you request and that's the amount you're paid. So in real life, Would you ever forget having loaned $9, 900? Probably not. Very unlikely. So hold on to that thought for a minute because I think that this work is, Again, I think it's hard for our listeners to go from this idea of repair when all that other work of knowing the self hasn't necessarily been done. I think part of the reason is we're not really aware of all that we are or all that we have the ability to do. So the broken parts or the parts that don't work, Okay, That's a part of life. We're too busy trying to make things better. I think for most of us, Our experience with life is a very external experience. It's not very often internal where we go within and we have these constant conversations, Which is why I think it's really only one or two times a year that we devote to this kind of thinking for the most part. Maybe there's a spiritual awakening in the world and like, Okay, This is a good opportunity. Some people celebrate the new moon or so they take these times to maybe be a little introspective. There's been somebody today and they're like, Yeah, I was teaching you just meditate for three minutes a day. That's all some people will do. And while that's true, I think to really get to this kind of discipline, To do the work of constantly giving yourself this feedback, You have to know what's at stake. Right. So as we said, The way where a person has to start their repair is by looking inside and realizing what are the parts of them that need to be transformed. The next step, If we need an impetus to do this, To want to do this, Is an understanding that it's not simply that I want to repair myself because I want to become a better person or really accomplish what myself came into this world to accomplish, But because whatever light and blessings that I am meant to manifest in my life are always going to be limited by the parts of me that are not repaired. So meaning each one of us has a tremendous amount of blessings that we're meant to experience in our lives and that we're meant to bring into this world. And the blockage to that is not anything external to me, But me, Which means again, If I am not focused on a continuous basis to really ascertain what are the parts of me that need to be transformed and to do the work, The constant work to transform them, Then that makes me an, I don't want to say imperfect vessel, But really limited in what I can receive and the levels of blessing and good that I can bring into my own life and into the world. You need to unpack imperfect vessel. I don't think people- Right. So most of us, I think when we think about the way we want our lives to go, We want blessings. What are blessings? Goodness. A person wants a relationship, A person wants children. There's many areas of our lives, I think every single one of us on a daily basis, This is what I want to achieve. This is something new. Well, I call them blessings. You can call them achievements. You can call them manifestations of goodness, But to the degree that we are not correcting ourselves, We are not going through our own process of Tikkun, We as what we call in capital terms, The vessel or the receiver of those blessings is imperfect. So use an example, Simple example. You have a cup, Right? And it has a hole. It has a hole in the bottom, It has a hole in the side. You can keep pouring endless water into that cup. As long as the hole is there, There's only a limit to how much water that vessel, That cup can hold. The best thing to do rather than keep pouring water into the hole and see that the water level still stays the same, Right at the level of where the hole in the cup is, The best thing would be to plaster, To fix that hole, Then the cup can hold more and more and more and more. So the reason why we want to be focused on the area of repairing ourselves is not as say only because, As we said before, Because that's actually what us all came into this world to do. We came to become even more perfected, But because it also limits not doing that work, Limits the amount of light and blessings that we can receive, The amount of manifested goodness that we can bring into our lives. So again, As I said, If you need even more impetus to do that internal work of looking inside and figuring out what it is unique to you that needs to be transformed, The second part of it is the understanding that unless you are consistently doing that work, Your cup remains whole, But not with the hole. And therefore the amount of blessings that you can receive will always be limited. So there's this idea that the Kabbalist Reverend Renwin talks about, And it's basically being at a level where a person transforms not from fear of consequences of his action, But from a tremendous love and excitement to reveal his potential as you're talking about to really become the person they're meant to be. And he talks about this concept of repentance through love. And one of the letters that Reverend Renwin wrote in Beloved of My Soul, He said, To feel the light of repentance through love, One must adjust himself so he feels whole. The blessed cannot cleave onto the cursed. And if one feels that he's far from being complete, It is mostly at these times that the evil inclination comes to confuse him further and reminds him of all his shortcomings, His troubles, And his sins to trick him into a state of sadness. But we know that light can't rest in a place of sadness. I think this is really interesting because I think sometimes the challenge that we're offering our listeners is to look within and really see the parts of yourself that aren't serving you. And I call them the ugly parts, But you can call them whatever you're comfortable calling them. But really, The parts that we usually try to hide from people that we are trying to impress or how we're trying to show ourselves in the world in an external way. And so when you start to see all these things, You might start to feel bad about yourself and then you stay there and you're in that space and you're really not what is the impetus to really say, OK, I can change these things. Some of us don't think we can ever let go of the parts of us that aren't great. We think that's just really who we are and we need to stay in that space. So it's a paradox because when we look at our mistakes, Especially in the ways that we've hurt ourselves and others, Of course, You're going to feel sad if you're not a narcissist or a sociopath. You will have these feelings of sadness over that pain. But staying in that space ultimately is counterproductive. So again, It's that idea that we talked about last week is to connect to or perfect itself. I think that even when you make that list of the things that you want to change about yourself, It's important to make a list at the same time of who you ultimately want to become to really envision yourself as an architect would if he were building a home. Or as a sculptor would if he had a slab of clay. You don't want to focus just on what's in front of you because if you're an architect, There's nothing. It's only what's in your imagination. It's the same thing for a sculptor. So when you look at your own ingredients, Which could be anger and it could be shame and it could be, Of course, Other things that are positive, But you have to say, Okay, How can I work with all these things? What do I need to get less of? Do you add, For instance, If you're building something, How much cement do you have? Wood? What are the things that you need? It's the same way. We have to look at ourselves as we are a work in the making. We're in the middle of a process. That's what life is. It's just process. And it's going to be messy and we're going to fail and we will make mistakes. And I'm recognizing those things while the important ingredient is you have to have a vision of who you want to become and you have to see that it's possible because if not, What's really going to guide you? You could stay in that place of sadness. You can stay stuck in that and then there's no movement. I would add even something to take it even a little deeper, Which is, And this again, I hope it's not too deep for our listeners. We began the conversation by speaking about this concept of Tikkun, Which is that each one of our souls comes into this world with certain imperfections that need to be perfected. The question then would be, Where do those imperfections originally come from? And the answer, I think, Is both a beautiful teaching and one that should inspire our listeners when we are thinking about these imperfections that we have. So the understanding is that the entirety of humanity, Every soul that ever existed, Every soul that will ever exist is really part of one whole. We call it one soul that has then been broken down into billions and billions and billions of sparks of soul. Each one of us is not the total soul, But we are a part of it. And if you understand your place in life in that way, Which is I am a part of that whole, That whole, That unified soul, Call it humanity, The totality of humanity has work to do, Has a job to do. Its job is to perfect our world, To elevate our world to a new place, To create a new world, A world where the pain and suffering that exists, For example, In our world no longer exists. So in answering the question, Where do my imperfections come from? They are the part of the world that I need to correct. So if I came into this world with a inclination towards anger, That's not that I'm a bad person and I am an angry person and I have to change me. I think the more beautiful and more profound way to view it is that this is my work for the world. The part of humanity that needs to be corrected, That I took upon, My soul took upon itself, Happens to be the part of anger. But it's not that I'm a bad person and therefore I'm angry, But rather I am a beautiful, Powerful soul that needs to elevate the world and my job in it is the angry part. But also it's your job specifically because that's also, There must be a personal reason for that, Whether. . . Right, But it's different, Right? There's two ways to view it. Right, I mean, Because it's not just that you're righteous and you've decided to take on the anger of the world and that's why you're angry. Right, But the answer to that question is that each one of our souls comes from a, You know, Again, This goes maybe even a little bit too deep, Deeper, Is that the Kabbalists view humanity as one single body. And some of us come from the head, That's why there are people in the world throughout history that are intellectuals, There are some souls that come from the hands and therefore there are people in the world that come to this world to do physical things, To create physical things. Some souls come from the heart and therefore their work in this world is to awaken love in some ways and so forth. So I think, And this is the beauty of this understanding, What one would call the ugly parts of me, The nasty parts of me, The bad parts of me, They're actually not the bad parts of me. They are the work that my soul took upon itself for the betterment of the world, Right? So if I am angry, If I came into this world with a predilection towards anger, That is simply my soul's work. Yeah, What is it? The head, The heart, And the hands. Which part of the liver? Well, It's actually the liver, Exactly. That's so interesting because if you study Chinese medicine or Eastern philosophies, Each part of the body actually does represent even emotions, Right? There's the heart chakra, But that is specifically, That's very interesting. But that's why I get it, But if you really, If I've done a good enough job and explained it and you understand this thought fully, Then when you take the time to look within yourself and you say, Well, I'm a jealous person, It's not that, Oh, I'm a jealous person, That means I'm bad, I'm a jealous person or my correction is jealousy because I need to be correcting this. I said, I'm going to do this work for the world. So use an example of which we all, The cabellers often use of a diamond, Right? So the diamond, When it comes out of the ground, It needs to be polished, Right? So it has to go through many, Many hands, Many, So, But when you look at the unpolished diamond, You don't say, Oh, This is an ugly thing. You say, No, This is a beautiful thing that somebody has to clean away, Has to polish to make it, To show its perfection. So the right view, Once you've made that list, Okay, What are the things that are mighty good? What are the things that are my correction? It's not, They don't make me bad. They make me the person who's decided for the sake of humanity, I'm going to correct my beautiful soul by transforming these parts. Well, It's clear that it's a responsibility that you chose and that you were given. And therefore, In some way it makes different kinds of sense to actually do that work. Exactly. Again, I think that we just consider ourselves broken, But. . . No, None of us. That's the point. But broken really is a code for having a crack in your ego, Right? It's like, It's the part that you want to let the light in. It's an indication of where the flaw is. Right. When you, So I would say that, Right, And now I think it's important to talk about, Yeah, We've been talking all along about the internal work right now, But there's also the important part of, Yeah, If I've hurt somebody, Right, I've done maybe not enough internal work and therefore it continues to manifest in my relationships with the people. And then sometimes we feel broken by it. You know, I yelled at my son and I really, Really feel bad about that. About that maybe even I get to a state of being broken. Like you said, I think there is a tremendous amount of power in that because being broken is actually not me being broken, But my ego being broken. Now there's more potential for my actual light to be revealed. Well, What's so interesting is that you, In order to have forgiveness, Right, And have that light occur within you need to be both broken and whole, Right? You need to be able to recognize where the broken parts are and you also need to see your wholeness and your completeness at the same time. And that really I think is the challenge of what we're suggesting today. Right. And what I would add to that is that, And again, I think this is important, Is also to make the list of people that we've hurt, The interpersonal moments or relationships that are really either broken or that I have done certain things that were not right. You know, I behaved in anger, I behaved in jealousy, Whatever those instances are. Well that's the act of cleaning, Right? Like the diamond analogy you gave. So how do you actually go about cleaning it once you've identified the issue, Once you've found the diamond and it needs work, Right, To reveal it. So that's where the actionable part comes, Where you go to other people, You go to places that you know have been damaged or tarnished and you start to actively work on them because nothing's going to make the ego more uncomfortable than that. Right. And I would add another part to this, Which is that when you make that list, Right, I would recommend also for our listeners to make that list, Who are the people you've hurt? Who are the people you've been unkind to? Who are the people that you've behaved in ways that aren't really who you are? On that list will be people who, Again, I don't want to say the word deserve, But who treated you very badly, Right? So let's say for example, Somebody for no reason at all tries to damage you, Does negative things towards you. And then in return, You lash out at them, You hurt them as well. And the logical balance of things, You're not really at fault. They might be a terrible person, For example. They might've done really bad things or they might just be not such a great person or a good person who's done bad things. And so if you just, The scale is simply, Was my negative reaction warranted? It might be yes. But again, If we understand the reason why I don't want to hurt somebody else or get angry at somebody else or be jealous towards somebody else or be hurtful towards somebody else, It's not because they do or do not deserve it, Because they might deserve it, But because I want to perfect me. So when we make that list, Right? Let's say every one of our listeners makes the list, There's three people, There's five people, There's 10 people, There's three relationships that are broken, Damaged, Where I believe, Feel that I didn't behave in my best manifestation of my soul, We'll say, The best version of myself. And it's important to have that list. And it's important to realize, Okay, What are the parts of me that need to be even more perfected so that I don't behave in that way again? It doesn't then mean that I need to go to every one person on the list and say, I'm sorry because I might not be sorry. They might be a terrible person and treated me terribly. For me. . . The question is how did you carry yourself? Exactly. Exactly. With your own integrity and with, Again, That perfected vision you have of yourself. And therefore repair doesn't. . . And therefore repair doesn't always mean going back to the person and repairing, Although it often does and should. But I think it's so important to always go back, Why am I doing this? I'm doing this for me. I'm doing this for me. Yeah, He or she did something really bad, But should I have yelled at them at that way? Should I have publicly shamed them in that way? It's interesting. I once many, Many years ago when I was a teenager, I had an experience with somebody and we were friends and then we weren't and she just became really mean suddenly. And I kept going back and forth. What did I do? And I couldn't. . . I mean, My conclusion was that I thought she was jealous perhaps because it was really nothing warranted this big change in her relationship with me. And I knew that I couldn't speak to her and I knew that conversation wouldn't go well. So what I decided to do instead was to. . . I did this visual exercise every night for a week and I would imagine us talking and we were friends. And more importantly, I was carrying myself the way that I wanted to be in that relationship because what happens very often is people may treat us badly and then we react poorly to that, Which is normal, Right? We feel defensive. We feel like we need to be on guard to protect ourselves from further hurt, But then we don't act true to ourselves. So I really did this exercise and then she started to be so nice to me. And it's almost like she didn't want to be. I could see it on her face. She did not want to, But she couldn't really help it. And then it just wasn't an issue anymore. We never became best friends, Nor did we need to be. But you can shift a lot by just looking within and visualizing again, Not just yourself, But how you want to relate to other people in the world. Right. And really hearkening back to what you were saying before, When it gets to that place of repair, The actual going out and repairing, You will find that your ego really, Really, Really doesn't want you to do that, Which should excite you, Right? Because before we spoke about those, What are the things that block our blessings? The ego is one of the biggest ones. And when you're going through a process that your ego knows is going to make you better and bring you more light and blessings, It's really going to fight against it. And that should be part of the excitement of going out of your way and repairing, Saying, I'm sorry, Going through it because again, Even for the, I don't want to say selfish, But even for the. . . And again, Saying I'm sorry isn't, I'm sorry you feel that way. It's really. . . If I hurt you, Then I'm sorry. I'm saying, Please forgive me for X, Y, And Z. I do actually have six steps for repair. Oh, Great. I'd love six steps. I'll try to be brief. The first is review your errors. Benjamin Franklin once said, The history of errors of mankind, All things considered, Is more valuable and interesting than all of their discoveries. I always loved that quote. Acknowledging our errors allows us to make adjustments, To have empathy for others who are making mistakes. Because that's part of it too, Right? I mean, It doesn't mean that if you say sorry, The other person is innocent. They might be more at fault or equally. That's not really the point. And sorry to that point that the reason you want to say you're sorry if you did hurt somebody is not so much for them, Although it is important. If you want to have a relationship for you, It's about you. And also feeling the pain you might have caused somebody. Doesn't matter really how you got there necessarily. Being wrong is a vital part of how we learn and change. Every time we make a mistake, We have a new opportunity to revise our understanding of ourselves and the world at large. That's the really important part of doing this review. And we need to see ourselves as we are, The good, The bad, And the ugly, No matter how painful that is, As it may be. And I think for change to really occur, It does have to sting a little bit. It has to be a little bit painful because if not, What actually comes in and says, Okay, Enough is enough. This isn't acceptable for you anymore, For who you want to become. So there has to be that sting a little bit. The second is practice empathy. Put yourself in another person's shoes and relive the experience through their eyes. Now, This is a unique perspective. Not many have done this or try to do this. I try to do this a lot, Especially if people I don't like at all. Or even. . . Yeah, And it's harder for sure. I also do this with people. And just to be clear, It does not mean that they're okay, Right? But I think it's a gambit, Right? Some people, You look through the situation through their eyes and you'll still realize they're terrible. They're doing terrible things. More often than not, If you really put yourself in their shoes, You will say, I understand if I were them, Maybe I would do the same thing. Sometimes you say, I understand why they did it. I wouldn't do it. Exactly. Sometimes you would say, If I were them, I would do it that way. I think the importance is you then remove the judgment when you do this process. Because there are people who have really hurt me. And while I'm very clear, I want no connection with them. And I don't want to repair. What I do want to do, However, Is, Like you said, Benefit of the doubt, Put myself in their shoes and have empathy for them. And you can have empathy while still not wanting to repair the relationship. You may never want certain people in your life again. But it's just, You know, And it's interesting as I did, There's somebody who really hurt me for many, Many years and she wanted to have a conversation and clear the air. And it was really interesting for me because I didn't have any emotion around it. And I had a lot of emotions for 20 years, A lot. And I didn't need to have a conversation with her to get past them. I just, I was in a different place. And it was really interesting. It was really interesting. What I'm saying is that because you did the internal work that we spoke about before, The external process became so much easier. It was just so, It was, I was just sitting there and I was kind of shocked. Like this is not how I thought this conversation would ever go. I had wanted the conversation many years earlier, Right? When I still had something to say. And then I just sat there and there's this, I felt no need to go into the past or to correct anything or say, You know, No, That's not really accurate. It was kind of just like, This was for her at that point. So we know we're hardwired for empathy. We have neurons in our prefrontal cortex that fire when we throw a ball and these same neurons fire in exactly the same way when we see someone else throwing a ball. These are called mirror neurons and scientists believe they form the biological basis of empathy. So we know we're hardwired for this. So why aren't we empathetic more often to those that, Especially those that harmed us? And then like we said earlier, That's when the ego is really in full force. So I think knowing, Knowing that this is something that we come with, It's just that we need to cultivate it and use it more. The third is be compassionate. So empathy leads to compassion and compassion basically is empathy in action. And it's hard, It's hard to awaken empathy as we grow up because again, We've been hurt and we've been disappointed by other people. But to be compassionate, I think this really calls for us to be nonjudgmental. You can't have compassion for somebody that you judge. You might even be empathetic to some extent and still judge, Yeah, I feel their pain or whatever, But to really have compassion, You can't judge. Without judgment, Compassion can be felt for those who you never would have thought possible, For even those that cheat or steal, Harm others or who were mean-spirited, Stingy and bitter, The list goes on and on. And I think that what I try to do in these situations, I stop and say, What must have happened to this person for them to behave in that way? Again, Without judgment, But obviously this is not how they came into the world for the most part, Unless that's what they chose, As you said earlier. The fourth is connect to your highest self. The soul is never damaged, As we said. It's only covered by our negative actions. So the hard part here, I think the challenge is it's hard to connect to something that you don't believe is possible. And again, That's why it's important to go back and try to envision what your perfected self looks like, Because if you don't have that, I don't see how you can ever connect to your highest self. As the proverb says, If you don't know where you're going, You're never going to get there. And five, Forgive, Repair, Repeat. There's no playbook for forgiving, No manual for getting past betrayals or disappointments or hurt. Forgiveness is a simple concept and it's the execution that's hard. One of my favorite authors, Catherine Schulz explains, It's the wrongness, Not the rightness that can teach us who we are. The experience of being right is imperative for our survival and it gratifies our ego. But in a culture that associates error with shame, Stupidity and ignorance, The idea of error seems like death. Basically, We're wrong about what it means to be wrong. And I think that's why it's so difficult to forgive. I mean, Again, Code words, Ego there. But I think that's interesting. We often expect people who really wronged us to ask for forgiveness. And I think it's kind of silly because the person who harmed us, They obviously don't have the capacity to ask because they wouldn't have done those actions in the first place. Of course, Unless they go through this process we've talked about today. But if you think about the people that. . . Or if we bring it to their attention sometimes. The what? Sometimes if we bring it to their attention. The people that really damage others or that hurt them, Especially children or in relationships that are toxic, They're not doing necessarily this internal work, Right? So to wait for that forgiveness until you can forgive them, It's just that day may never come. And the sixth is let it go. The final step is to let it go completely. And it may sound simple, But I think it's one of the hardest things to do. Nice. So if you would leave our listeners today with a few thoughts, What would they be? I think I just gave six. I think it's just to let yourself off the hook in the sense that we were never meant to be perfect in the first place. We're not supposed to have it all figured out day to day. We're not supposed to never make a mistake or even never hurt somebody. I think the key is that when you see those parts of yourself and you feel badly about them, Just don't feel badly about it. Do something with it and work on really transforming it into something that's powerful in a soulful way, In a perfected way, Meaning anger is powerful, Right? It's a very powerful energy, But you can change that anger into a different force. And so I think it's really to understand that this is we're just all in the middle of a process. Nice. So for me, I think the most powerful idea around repair is the fact that the reason we should be doing it is for ourselves and that it starts with really getting to know ourselves on a deep level. What is it that my soul came into this world to repair internally? Yes, It also manifests externally, But it begins with the internal. And the reason to be excited about that is because this is not something that's bad about me. This is the polishing of the diamond, The work that my soul took upon itself for the world. That's what I'm repairing. And ultimately, If I want to have, As we said in Kabbalah's words, The vessel or the capability to receive the greater and greater light and blessings that my soul came into this world to receive, I have to be consistently going through this process of internal repair and yes, Also external repair. Yeah. And I think if you look back, If each one of us looks back at our lives until now, There have been clues every step of the way. If you have anger today or whatever is really feeling that it has a hold over you in a negative way, It built up over time. It didn't come from nowhere. It probably was there all along. And if you look back at the most important parts of your lives, Even the most challenging, Let's say, There are, Again, Little indications because we are meant to transform this. Yes, That's actually why we're in this world. And that is what leads, As we said, To greater and greater blessings. So maybe the most important work that we can do. So as always, I hope. . . So wait, I do have a question for you. So what is the thing that you're trying to repair for yourself? Well, There's a few things and I'm trying to. . . What would be the number one, I guess? I think for me, It's always, And this isn't the battle between my internal spiritual work and the work that I do, Which is to try to bring this wisdom to the world. And I'm always concerned about whether I am putting enough effort and time into my own personal transformation because, And again, This is. . . Like you're sacrificing one for the other. Yes. And whether that's the right thing because, And again, This is true for every one of our listeners, But I do feel strongly that my soul has a tremendous amount of light to reveal. That does not always mean external, Right? That a soul doing its own work of transformation and repair brings a tremendous amount of light and blessings into the world, Even if they never speak to another human being. And I think for me, That's always the question. Always the question where I think about repair, It's more about focusing more on the internal, My internal spiritual work. So I hope that wasn't too deep, But that's. . . And so what do you think the percentage is now? Right now it's probably 60-40, 60 external, 40 internal. And I think it's funny, I just had this weird thought today and it goes, And I don't think it's come off right, But I hope the meaning behind it comes off better. That I can see a point in my life where I don't talk to people. Oh God, What am I going to do? No, I mean, I'll talk to you. But then. . . Sometimes you get quiet, It scares me. It actually feels. . . And I think that's why it scares me because I think it's so natural for you quite honestly that I don't really allow you to go there too often, But when you do, I'm like. . . Maybe I should be going there more often. Not when I'm around. Maybe that's part of my repair. I can go travel. No, Of course not with you, But I'm saying, But that idea that, You know, Again, I always think about nature. Nature takes us, Again, This is a whole new topic that I'm not sure, But nature takes us to be external. Soul takes us to be internal. And we have to, I think it's always important to ask yourself the question, How much of my life is focused on the external? Even the external is important, Positive things. And how much of my. . . No, No, Even if it is. Even if it's the positive, But yeah, But then the mix is the positive. And then also we live in this physical world. So then you have that added external pull. Because by the way, I've seen. . . And even if that's not what you desire, It's still an energy that we have to pay attention to. Right? So I mean, Yeah, It's a struggle. And I've seen people, Many people throughout the years that did a lot of external positive work. One can call it positive work, External, But didn't do the internal work. And at the end of the day, That did not bring them to the best place. No, It never will. Yeah. If I can ask, What are you working on repairing? I love when you take my question and throw it right back at me. I think we all are more interested in your answers. No, I don't think that's true. I just think I am. . . I just answer more honestly, Maybe, Or. . . What? Not honestly, But more vulnerable more often. I would say it's similar to yours. And I added that additional external pull into physicality. It's just like. . . I started actually in the last two weeks envisioning myself on an island away. So I could just do the spiritual work more. And obviously, That's not a solution. I don't believe that's the way to do it. But I find myself craving that as well, Because it's just the noise of the outside and that pull is getting stronger and stronger. And I'd say the other part is to really be rooted in what my soul is supposed to do while I'm on this earth, Instead of thinking about what happens after I leave this earth. It's kind of dark. Does that make sense to you? And I just think that lately, Just with. . . There's been a lot of loss in the last two years. So finding that balance from that being a drive and a pull to do more versus it being a pull in a heavy way, That's not great. So yeah, I think that's repair because I think that part of my job perhaps is to spread more certainty for people in the world and to really live with that and appreciation and gratitude. Beautiful. Thank you for being vulnerable. Very vulnerable. Don't ask me these deep questions. So as always, We hope you enjoyed listening to this podcast as much as we enjoyed recording it. I'm not going to say more. Please continue to send your questions, Comments, Stories. You need to start reading some of the. . . I did last week. We just saw it. It was just so behind time for this week. To Monica and Michael at kabala. Com and go to Apple podcasts, Write reviews, Five star reviews, Share this podcast with everybody you know. And when you send your emails, We read all of them and we are inspired by all of them. But hopefully your email, Questions, Story, Comment will be read and inspire thousands and thousands of our listeners as well. So hopefully that's another impetus to those of you. What I love, By the way, Recently, A lot of people have been writing beginning of the email. I've been wanting to write this email for months, For years, But I haven't. Please, Please, Please, Please, If you're one of those, Write your story, Your email, Your comment, Your question to monicaandmichaelatkabala. Com and we will read on the podcast some of them and you will have the opportunity to inspire thousands and thousands of people. Stay spiritually hungry.