1. Loving Change & Letting Go Of Reactive Behavior

In this inaugural episode of Monica and Michael Berg’s podcast, Spiritually Hungry, listen as the couple explains how the everyday practice of embracing change can help us stifle reactivity in our lives. Learn how to cultivate consciousness in the moment so we can shift our perspectives and see things from a different point of view.

Transcript

The real reason we're in this world and everything else that happens in our lives,

The people we meet,

The people we marry,

The children we have,

The work that we do,

Is to give us an opportunity to grow and to change.

That's a surprise,

Right?

Because.

.

.

But in reality,

We're meant to change,

We're meant to choose change,

We're meant to embrace it,

Seek it,

And then get excited about it.

And that's really what being spiritually hungry is,

It's being excited about chasing change.

Because when you do that,

It's not just your reality will change,

But first your consciousness shifts.

You're able to see things in a different way,

You're able to feel in a different way.

It's kind of like having all of your senses heightened,

Like you had never had it before.

For me,

That is.

.

.

It's the fact that if I want to have a better experience of my life,

Then I have to change.

Then I have to find a way to evolve and diminish my selfishness and increase my,

What we call desire to share.

And that's why this maybe constant battle against my own reactivity is so important.

Hi,

Welcome to the Spiritually Hungry podcast with Monica Michaelberg.

We're so excited to start this journey with you,

Where we're going to talk about anything and everything.

All topics,

Anything that you ask us,

We are going to try to answer,

But most importantly,

We're going to have fun in the process.

I also think that a lot of people don't really know us,

And this is a great opportunity to see how we are behind the scenes,

Both as a couple,

But also for instance,

Mikhail is wickedly funny and has an amazing sense of humor,

Which you will soon discover.

So do you want to say anything,

Honey?

Well,

I'm very excited to be doing this with you.

We have the opportunity to travel the world and meet students and both give lectures and answer questions,

But I always get this response as soon as they want to have an opportunity to even to ask us when we're not in Brazil or any other place in the world.

And I really hope that this could be an opportunity,

Not just for our friends in the United States,

But really all over the world to both be able to ask questions and get them answered.

So I'm very excited for this great opportunity for us to be able to share with our students all over the world,

Students and friends.

The first question is from Sherry.

Having my first Kabbalah One course has been an incredible and moving experience.

My question is,

How do we better prepare the consciousness to hit pause and not be reactive in our daily lives?

I understand that this takes time and commitment and of course being patient is a big part of this.

I would love your recommendation to keep a key thought in my mind as a go-to.

That's a very good question.

It's,

You know,

We,

Those of us who've been studying and trying to practice Kabbalah and spirituality for years,

We know that this is an ever,

Really a never ending process.

It's never about reaching the end,

But it's always about getting better.

And you know,

The Rob,

My father would often explain that Kabbalah,

This path is very different than many other spiritual paths.

You know,

There are people who are told,

You know,

If you behave in such a way,

If you do these things for God,

Then after you leave this world,

You'll have all kinds of benefits.

And that's,

You know,

A certain belief and a certain way people want to live their spiritual lives.

But the Rob,

My father would often say Kabbalah is about seeing the change here and now.

What happens to our souls after we leave this world?

That's also an interesting and important part of the study.

But if you're truly spiritual,

If you're truly growing and developing,

You need to be able to see the changes in the here and now.

And that's,

I think for me,

Maybe the most important test that each one of us,

And we only,

We know what's going on inside,

What is causing me to be fearful,

What causes me to be angry.

But it's important that we always assess and ask ourselves that question.

It's not coincidental.

Right now we're in a time of quarantine.

Probably it's a time that many of us can take stock of where we are spiritually.

And that question is,

What are the things that make me fearful?

What are the things that make me angry?

What are the things that make me resentful?

Are they less now than they were before?

Have I been able to overcome any of them?

And if the answer is yes,

Then great.

Then you're growing,

Then you're changing,

And this will be a life path that will continue to show and manifest positive changes in your life.

Who doesn't want to have less things that make me fearful?

Who doesn't want to have less things that make me angry?

But only through spiritual work and the effort invested in that can you grow.

So to answer your question,

It's this daily constant practice.

Let's say today there were 20 things that made me angry and five things that made me fearful and five things that made me resentful.

Tomorrow is it's only 28 in total instead of the 30 today.

And the next day is a 27 and so on and so forth.

And it's about trying and failing and not always succeeding.

But as long as in life I can really be honest with myself and say my spiritual path,

What I am learning and what I am practicing is making me even every day,

Even only slightly less fearful,

Slightly less angry and so on.

So that's the big picture of why we need to restrict our reactive nature.

But it's really hard to do in the moment,

Right?

We all get our buttons pressed and they're in different categories depending on how we spend our time or who we spend it with.

The sure way to stop the reactive nature,

Which again we all have,

Is in the moment,

A,

Keep the perspective of what Mikhail just shared in terms of our purpose in the bigger picture and why it behooves us to keep pushing back against being reactive.

But in the moment,

If you just stop and see everything as an opportunity.

And when you do that,

Then even in the most trying times,

Like Mikhail just said,

Where we're finding ourselves dealing with COVID-19,

There are so many things that could worry us,

Right?

There's financial worries.

There's being home all the time with people that maybe push your buttons,

Whatever it is,

It's still an opportunity for you now to say,

Okay,

This is the situation.

I cannot change the situation.

I cannot change the person or the thing that is upsetting me,

But what can I choose?

So if you choose your consciousness and you can choose what you want to pay attention to and how you want to go about it,

You can change every single thing.

I know for me personally,

This podcast,

I have been asking Mikhail to do this for quite some time and here we are doing it.

And I honestly think that if we didn't find ourselves at home as much,

Right,

We probably wouldn't do it for maybe another year.

So there's always a silver lining.

It's our opportunity.

It's up to us to look for it.

And as we were speaking,

I wanted to ask you,

Mikhail,

What do you think the biggest thing that causes our reactive nature?

I mean,

It's a three letter word as far as I'm concerned.

Which letter,

Three letter word?

Let's guess.

The ego,

Right?

Because the ego is pretty sure.

What were you going to say?

No,

I was trying to figure out what that word was.

I should have let you guess a few.

But the ego is the one that likes things to be in our control,

That knows the outcome of every situation,

Knows where everything's supposed to go.

And when things don't go the way we want them to,

We get very reactive.

We get very upset and we feel very entitled about things.

So what do you think?

Do you agree about that?

Yeah,

For sure.

Right?

I mean,

It goes back to the fundamental spiritual principle that is that we are in this world to go through challenges and they don't always have to be difficult,

But to go through challenges and change.

That's why we're here.

That we're born with two really polar opposite natures.

One which we call our soul,

Which is that desire that is to share,

To do good,

To help others and so on.

It is also from where we derive our greatest fulfillment.

And the other part of our nature is the selfish ego nature,

The three letter word.

And really that's why we're in this world,

Right?

I mean,

The spiritual view is that the real reason we're in this world and everything else that happens in our lives,

The people we meet,

The people we marry,

The children we have,

The work that we do is to give us an opportunity to grow and to change.

Because ultimately,

And this is,

It's interesting because the word ego,

People often think what I'm doing for my own benefit.

Well,

The Kabbalists teach that if you want to really achieve what is for your own good or for your benefit,

It's really about changing and growing.

And which is,

As you were talking about,

Because that's really the thought that I had that one of the other ways that Kabbalistic principles are different maybe than other spiritual paths is that this is not about becoming a better person because that's a good thing to do,

Right?

It's the fact that if I want to have a better experience of my life,

Then I have to change.

Then I have to find a way to evolve and diminish my selfishness and increase my,

What we call desire to share.

And that's why this maybe constant battle against my own reactivity is so important.

It's not important because then I'll be a spiritual teacher,

I'll be a spiritual person,

I'll be a better person.

I think it's always important,

Especially if you want to find the motivation to be investing in this constant battle against reactivity every single day,

You have to be saying,

Why am I doing this?

There's only one reason,

One real reason.

There might be other reasons,

Yeah,

I'll be a better person and so on and so forth.

But I want to do it because at the end of the day,

I know that if I want my experience of life to be getting better all the time,

That means I have to be changing all the time,

That means I have to be growing all the time,

I have to be coming less reactive all the time.

And I'll share with you a story.

I don't know if that answers your question you were asking,

But I don't know if I shared this before.

I might have shared this in one of my lectures.

I don't know if Monica knows this story,

Tell me if you do.

So this was just a few weeks before the quarantine,

But by now a few months ago,

I was parking our car in New York City.

And as I was reversing into the space,

There was a guy coming out of a cab and I didn't see him and he didn't see me parking.

So he jumped out of the cab and started hitting my window.

I guess angry that I didn't stop in time to.

.

.

I didn't hit him of course,

But they didn't stop in time that he thought.

So he hits my window and then I just feel this anger coming from inside.

Now if you look at the situation from both his perspective and mine,

We were both in the right or in the wrong.

Neither one of us was doing something wrong.

I was parking,

He just jumped out of a cab,

He hit my car just trying to make himself safe or maybe just a little bit angry.

But I remember the first thought that I had after that awakening of anger,

I said to myself,

You know,

I'm so happy this is happening because this is really what life is about.

Life is about catching those moments because again,

We view it,

It's not that by coincidence I was parking,

By coincidence this guy was jumping out,

By coincidence he hit my car.

No.

I needed in that moment to have the opportunity to overcome that rearing anger that was happening inside of me.

And again,

That's the way you want to view life,

That you're thankful for the opportunities and there are going to be opportunities every single day to restrict,

To restrict that reactivity.

And again,

Just going back to what I said before,

I think it's so important that we understand that the reason we want to do it,

The real reason we want to do it because then my experience of life is going to get better.

Exactly.

And a surefire way to do that is to ask yourself throughout the day,

How much under the influence of your ego are you?

And just by asking that simple question is going to bring you back to center and focus on what's important.

Is it important to be right in this argument?

Is it important to feel validated by somebody?

Is it important to have the last say in a conversation or do you want to have a happy life because this is the formula.

Okay,

I'll take us to our next.

Well,

I was going to ask you before we go ahead.

Can you share a situation recently where you felt reactive?

Oh,

Gosh,

Let me think.

I don't know.

Can you share one?

I cannot think of any in all of our years of marriage.

Oh,

You're so sweet.

This is why we're going on 24 years.

Yeah,

I mean,

I get reactive often.

Sure,

I do.

I think that for me,

I'm a type A personality,

Big surprise.

And I haven't noticed.

I know.

I know.

I try really hard to change that about myself because it's like a pressure cooker for me and then for those around me.

Yeah,

I'd say I was reactive probably a few minutes ago when David,

Our oldest,

Rang the doorbell while we were recording this podcast,

Even though I had texted him before.

So again,

That's a perfect example.

I had a plan.

We were going to do this.

It was going to be effortless and fun without any interruptions because everybody knew about it.

And then boom,

Right?

Something happened that I didn't want to happen.

But I caught myself.

So I think we're good.

Yeah,

Just before we go on to the next question,

I would say that when I think about this,

This brings us back to what we call that spiritually hungry,

Right?

Spiritually hungry for what?

Really should be spiritually hungry for two things.

One is change and the second is fulfillment.

And those two are intertwined.

We will not any none of us are going to become more fulfilled and happier unless we're changing more every single day.

And I think that's at the core of a true spiritual life.

What's funny,

Because you know,

I love to talk about change being a change junkie.

I was actually I was doing a live Instagram with a friend and she's like,

You're a change junkie and I'm the same junkie.

And she was really excited about that.

She's the same junkie.

Yeah,

She didn't really have an interest in changing.

I mean,

She's you know,

We're friends from the gym to different kind of friendship.

She's awesome.

But but I wouldn't say that she's necessarily spiritually hungry.

I don't think she would.

I mean,

She's calling herself the same junkie,

Right?

But I think that and I was thinking about this when I was running earlier today,

Because I know that people want aspects of their life to change.

They can identify areas that are not working where they feel lack.

But often people either become a victim or they feel that they can't really change the things that they want.

It's not just the hand that they were dealt or it's too difficult or life is somehow hard.

Right.

We have all kinds of belief systems.

We also know that the only constant in life is change.

You don't really get a choice.

You can just choose the direction in which you're going to go.

You can try to fight what's happening.

Right.

So but if we have this appreciation that change is our constant companion in life,

Whether it's welcome or not,

Right,

Things happen to us.

We didn't want like parents getting divorced or somebody getting sick.

And then we have other changes that do occur.

It's a pleasant surprise.

Right.

But in reality,

We're meant to change.

We're meant to choose change.

We're meant to embrace it,

Seek it,

And then get excited about it.

And that's really what a spiritual being spiritually hungry is.

It's being excited about chasing change.

Because when you do that,

It's not just your reality will change,

But first your consciousness shifts.

You're able to see things in a different way.

You're able to feel a different way.

It's kind of like having all of your senses heightened like you had never had it before.

For me,

That is the most rewarding thing.

And it also enables you not to ever really get down about the things that don't go your way.

So actually change is the thing that that helps you not be reactive.

Because what can you be reactive to?

Right.

Then you become flexible about things that don't go your way.

Yeah,

I think it's also important to understand that,

You know,

And we talk about this a lot,

But you know,

In life,

There are many choices we don't make things that come into our lives that aren't.

If you would ask yourself,

Do you want this dance would be no,

I wonder for many people how many of the things that actually occur to them beyond their control are things they would have chosen.

But if you understand the perspective of change,

Right,

That is I want to be somebody different in a year than I am today in a better I want to be better in so many ways.

I want to be less reactive about certain things.

I want to be less fearful about certain things.

I just want to say you are going to be different a year from today.

Right.

But who do you want to be?

Right.

That's where your free will comes in.

Your power can be drawn.

Right.

Like you said,

Unfortunately,

I'm sure many of us know people who as they grow older,

They get either more disillusioned and angrier and more disappointed.

But so change is going to happen.

Right.

So nobody ever changed stays the same person.

But the question is,

Will you be driving the change or something better?

And the point is that you can make these choices.

Like we're talking about how do you fight to be non reactive more every single day,

But also the beauty once you really begin to see it in this way of the spiritual system that surrounds us is that there are going to be absolutely things that come into our lives that are not going to be things that we,

If you ask yourself now want,

But they will have the power to change you in the best ways possible if you embrace them.

And I think that's a really that that perspective because we can talk all day and all night about the choices that we're going to make and the things that we're going to bring into our lives when in reality,

I think it's important to have that true,

The honest humility that so much of what is going to come into our lives is going to be beyond our control.

And the only way that that is going to continue to be a positive process and that you actually going to be enjoying it is if you really embrace the understanding of change,

But not just,

I think some people think about change,

I want to lose weight.

So I have this plan,

This is how I'm going to bring the change,

Right?

We're here,

We're talking about,

No,

How do you get to a place?

But why?

Because they think they lose weight,

Then they'll be happy,

Right?

Everybody's actually going to the same goal,

But their understanding of how they're going to get there and what's going to bring them happiness and fulfillment is different.

Right,

But but and limited.

But even when I think even when you talk about spiritual change,

I think a lot of people have it within a frame of how am I going to do it,

Right?

As opposed to how is this going to happen to me?

And sometimes,

I would say oftentimes the most important changes happen from the things that we did not choose.

Exactly.

You know,

It's funny that you bring that up,

Because I get asked the question a lot when I do different podcasts or interviews and people say,

Well,

When did you become a change junkie and hands down,

And I'm curious.

Well,

Hands down for me,

It was when we had Josh,

Our second son,

And most of you know our story speak about him often.

I found out we found out that he had Down syndrome three hours after I gave birth to him.

And I remember that it wasn't so much the diagnosis that threw me that that terrified me and I had many,

Many feelings.

But it was the idea that how did this happen?

Right.

In my mind,

For nine months,

I was growing a healthy child in every way in my body.

And then suddenly,

It was this brand new reality of what you know,

I had to come to terms with what I thought would happen and what would be and then what actually was.

And I had a choice to make.

And eventually I did.

But I could either and we know many couples who have had children with disabilities and it's either broken them up or it's destroyed them and changed their whole life.

And that's better.

I think it's a statistic,

Right?

I think right.

Or you can choose to again,

Embrace change and say,

OK,

Well,

What's the opportunity for me?

And Josh became the best thing that ever happened to me personally as a person.

I became more empathetic and kind and compassionate and really seeking and embracing change and becoming flexible.

And,

You know,

And I remember right after I had him,

Somebody asked me,

I felt and I said these words,

You know,

Was never on my like,

If you asked me a list of things that I wanted to happen to me in life,

It wouldn't be on it.

But I'm so happy that it did.

Right.

It's in those ways that the biggest life lessons,

The biggest opportunities and the most beautiful things come.

Right.

And I think that's because I see Josh as an absolute gift and a blessing.

But that change again,

Seeing by changing your consciousness and shifting it.

Right.

Right.

And I think what excites me about the spiritual process,

Having experienced this,

Right,

Because this isn't something one is asked to believe that having experienced such beautiful change from such challenging situations that have come into our lives,

It makes you more naturally able to embrace both the unknown and the unexpected that enters into our lives.

And imagine that type of life.

Right.

I mean,

That's for me,

That's like the most beautiful thought that no matter what,

Again,

I'm not there yet.

I don't know if Monica is there yet.

Most of us aren't there yet.

Right.

But that no matter what is going to happen in our lives,

What we control and so much more which we don't control,

If I can get to a place that I am able to enjoy,

Embrace it first and then enjoy it as a process of change,

Whether again,

It's something that's comfortable for me,

Something that I would have called into my life.

That's the most exciting thing because then there's nothing that will scare you and there's nothing that will be able to upset you if it comes into your life.

But again,

That's why,

Again,

I was thinking about this before when you were talking that one of the reasons it's so important to be doing this constantly,

Which means really grabbing every opportunity to not be reactive on our daily lives is because as we go through life there are going to be situations that the me today won't be able to overcome,

Won't be able to embrace.

But if I grow and change consistently,

Then the me when that happens will be strong enough and elevated enough,

Developed enough to not only accept it,

But to embrace it and even on some level enjoy it.

It's funny because it's not going to happen overnight,

But if you practice this,

Then every day you start to see things a little bit differently.

When things come up,

You're able to bounce back very quickly.

It's kind of like,

And that was really what was exciting for me.

I remember when we went to our friend's birthday in Mexico,

Remember she had the whole plane filled with her friends and we missed the flight.

We were the only ones.

Basically the person in front of us on the flight and the person looks at us and he's like,

Sorry,

That's it.

This is the cutoff.

So we looked at each other like,

Awesome.

It's going to be a date because airports,

Well,

Not now with the pandemic,

But pretty fun,

Right?

You can go have a cocktail.

There's bookstores.

You can get a massage.

And I remember at that time we were like crazy busy.

We hardly had time for each other.

So we really actually right away welcomed the three or four hours we had alone together in the airport.

So this company,

Yes,

But I think it's also being able to,

Cause we were like,

Oh,

We're going to miss out.

We were just so whenever we get there,

We're going to get there.

And funnily enough,

When we landed finally,

Everybody was like,

Wow,

You're so lucky you took the later flight.

Flight.

Ours was so turbulent that people were throwing up and it was the worst flight ever for them.

So I think that that's,

That's what's exciting when you can just change even just your consciousness in a moment,

Right?

Okay,

This is not going to happen.

So now this and when you do that in small ways every day for the little things,

And when the big things happen in life,

You're able to handle them much better.

But I think it's important again to,

To appreciate,

Which I know we both do,

How difficult this is as a process.

If you really want to take it to its,

To its,

To its highest level,

Because I think,

I think for many people,

And I've heard this from students,

One of the most important transformations that occurs at least initially is,

Is when you understand that reactivity is not good for you,

A lot of people can get to that place,

But to really start living consciously and to,

To ask yourself,

Not just to allow your natural reaction to occur either before,

If you can stop it,

Or even afterwards,

Really take the time to think,

To really take the time to be conscious of our actions about our reactions,

Even to be conscious of our thoughts,

Right?

Because so often,

Whether it's fear and other types of reactivity,

It's not even something that we act upon or even verbalize,

But it's happening in our mind,

Right?

I would say probably the most of our fears are happening in our mind.

We don't even talk about them or act upon them.

But to live more consciously,

I think is the key,

At least in the,

I would say I was going to say in the beginning,

But throughout our spiritual lives,

To live more consciously,

To question why is this fear coming to me?

Why is this situation coming to me?

And if you live more consciously and really take the time and then,

Okay,

This is happening,

I'd want to live less in my natural reactivity.

I want to live less in my natural reaction,

But to grow into change.

And then you question every reaction you have.

You question every situation.

Why is it making me angry?

Why is it making me fearful?

You live more consciously and understand that sometimes you have to restrict,

Not because you understand why it's good for you,

But because it's part of the process of change.

So this guy just slapped me in the face and every logical cell in my brain says,

You have to get angry at him.

Maybe you have to hit him back.

Maybe you have to yell at him.

Your ego for sure is going to tell you all those things.

Exactly.

Exactly.

And sometimes you have to go back and say,

It makes no sense to me right now,

But I have to do certain things and limit certain reactions that don't make sense for me to do so that I can grow,

So that I can change,

So that I can ultimately have more fulfillment.

And that's why,

Again,

Like we said before,

I think at the core,

The driving force cannot be anything external.

It cannot be being a better person.

It cannot be being a better husband.

It has to be being better for me.

I want to have a more fulfilled life.

And the only way that that's possible,

I know,

Is by becoming less reactive,

By pursuing my spiritual growth,

And then by doing things that are not logical sometimes and often doing them when I understand them.

But that growth is what ultimately brings fulfillment into my life.

And nothing's random.

Every single person affects everybody else.

And we come together for opportunities.

I think it's interesting because this next question actually ties right into this.

What's the question?

I have a daughter-in-law who's extremely negative.

She's a Scorpio.

And no matter how much we try to make her happy,

She always finds something negative to complain or criticize about.

I try to ignore her for my son's sake,

But sometimes my blood boils and just washes all the zen out of me.

How can I deal with the situation copulistically?

Wow.

That's a question that has many layers and deserves a long,

Long,

Long podcast about.

But the first thing that comes to mind as I was listening to that is I think it's so important in life to know that there is always,

Almost always I'll say,

Almost,

As Franemanica and I were talking yesterday,

But a certain situations that have been in our lives where we can say,

We can be sure that that other person was not in the right.

But I would say in 90% of the situations in life,

There's always another side to the story.

And things are never as black and white as we experience them,

As we feel about them.

And I think that's good whenever we're thinking about certainly we're thinking about family relationships or any type of relationship.

My perspective,

And even if I am spiritual and zen,

Is still only my perspective.

And there is another,

Maybe I'm 90% right or maybe I'm 80% right.

There's no way that I am ever 100% right.

So that's where I always,

Whenever anybody comes to me or even I think about myself and my relationships with people,

The first thing that I try to do is say,

Okay,

Let's see,

Let's try to see what is that person experiencing.

Now at the end of the day,

I might go through the whole thing and say,

Okay,

I understand why they're behaving in this way,

But they're still wrong.

I'm still 60% right or 70% right,

Whatever that situation is.

Even with Monica and I,

In our relationship,

I think there are times,

And we try to be as conversational about this as possible.

This is another thing,

And sometimes we ask people and we're veering off this question here,

And we're not going to talk too much about relationships.

We'll leave that for another podcast.

But people say a perfect relationship is when you never argue with each other,

You never disagree.

That's the silliest thing.

Maybe for somebody who doesn't like to change,

Maybe that's good.

I get worried about relationships that they don't argue.

You don't really care enough and there's not a lot of passion there.

So we try to take the time to talk and we do think we behave towards each other,

Hopefully most of the time in a very loving and correct way,

But sometimes of course we don't.

Then when those conversations come up,

You have to first listen and then go back and forth and really try to figure out,

Okay,

In this situation,

Was I more right or were you more right?

I don't know if the word is right or wrong,

But who was more reactive,

Who was less reactive?

I think that's in every,

Every area of our lives.

I think we often don't take enough time to take a step back and say,

Okay,

I understand my story and my perspective.

If I am not open enough to hear their side,

When I say here,

I don't mean necessarily going over to them and asking them,

Tell me what your perspective is,

But knowing that there is some validity to the other side of the story.

Because when you start the thought off with,

I am a hundred percent right and she's a selfish daughter-in-law who can never be made happy.

Just Scorpio is what she said.

Yeah.

I think that the chances of fixing the situation become that much less.

Whereas if you can say,

Okay,

I think I'm pretty right here.

I think that we're giving a lot and we're behaving in the right way towards her,

But still there seems no way to make her happy.

But there's another side to this.

And even if it's only 10% or 20%,

That brings us one step closer to being able to make the situation better,

Which obviously is the purpose.

There's so many things when I read this,

Because I think first it's,

Yes,

We believe in Kabbalistic astrology and yes,

There are signs that have certain characteristics,

But it's also easy to judge and put people in boxes.

And I think that's dangerous.

As I was saying,

I think giving the benefit of the doubt is so incredibly important.

And we all do this where we look at people and we only see them through our lens and in reference to ourself,

Right?

How they make us feel,

How they interact with us.

And when we look at other people,

We tend to see them in one dimension,

Just very simple,

Black and white.

She's a Scorpio,

She's this,

She's that.

But when it comes to ourselves,

We're nuanced and we're complex.

And if we can look at other people in that way,

Right?

They're layered.

I mean,

What was her childhood like?

What was her upbringing like?

Why is she behaving the way she is?

Does she feel insecure in this dynamic of me as the mother-in-law and with my son?

I mean,

There's always,

If you're able to just pause and see all perspectives and put yourself in her shoes,

I think that's the first step.

And again,

We all do this,

Right?

I remember that this is years ago when we lived in California,

There was one road I would take every day to go to the gym to work out.

And I would pass this woman walking on the street,

I mean,

Every single day.

And she'd walk back and forth with a sign saying that she's got like five kids and she needs help.

She needs money and she can't work.

And I remember finally I caught the thought after I don't know how long,

But I was thinking,

You know,

Well,

You clearly have enough energy to walk up and down the street back and forth with a sign.

I mean,

Why can't you work?

Right?

And I was so upset with myself once I caught the thought that was probably going on for weeks that I said,

Okay,

Monica,

Let's turn this around.

What could be another scenario?

Right?

So then I started to sell stories.

Like maybe her husband just died and she never worked before and she never managed their family or the money.

And this is her best,

Right?

This is her best.

But just by creating another scenario,

Another picture,

I was able to remove the judgment and really have empathy for her.

I think that also in terms of relationships,

You know,

It's not your responsibility to make her happy because that was something else you wrote in the question.

No matter what we do,

We can't make her happy.

I think that when we talk about relationships,

All types,

And we talk about love,

We can either create love that's unconditional or one that's ego based.

It's not your job to make her happy.

I think instead maybe meet her at a place where you're offering,

Right?

You're just giving love without an expectation,

Not looking for her response,

Not looking for her gratitude,

Not looking for anything,

Just offering,

Right?

I think that's the beginning of creating a friendship and creating relationship.

And the last part is,

You know,

If your son is happy with her and,

And he chose a big missing piece here,

What,

What,

You know,

How he feels about it,

Right?

But I think that if he's happy,

And even if you wouldn't be happy in a relationship like that,

If he chose this and he's happy,

Then then be happy for them.

You know,

Maybe she's just defensive in front of you.

Maybe there's so many maybes we can say,

Right?

So I would just really take a step back and try to see this a different way and maybe offer her kindness in love instead of instead of looking for her response or for her gratitude and,

And what she's offering you.

Yeah,

I would say the other,

The other phrase that stood out to me in the question is,

Is when you said that she makes your blood boil.

And that really relates to everything we spoke about until now,

Because the point is this,

Even assuming she is a hundred percent wrong in her behavior as a spiritually developing being,

You want to be somebody who is not reactive to that.

Now none of us are meant to be angels tomorrow,

But the question you have to ask yourself,

If this situation is in my life,

It means that the creator knows that I need this challenge to grow.

So regardless of how you will interact with her,

The first focus,

And this is always true in all the people in our lives that cause us anger or our blood to boil and so on.

First ask yourself the question,

How can I change from this?

And why is what her,

Her behavior is so upsetting to you,

Right?

Is that an indication of an area that you need to change is when something really bothers you that somebody does where you get angry and mad.

If somebody creates a reactivity in you,

That is a good indication that there's a gem here for you to discover in order to change for the better.

Right.

And that's why it's interesting and we always say you have to have true views on everything.

First yourself,

Why is this happening to me?

There has to be a reason,

A growth that is meant to happen to me from this situation.

Now even again,

Monica said,

You know,

She might,

She has,

Like I said before,

Also as well,

She has her perspective and so on.

Even if she's a hundred percent wrong,

You still need this in your life.

There's still an opportunity for you.

For growth.

Absolutely.

And I think,

I think there's no question,

Especially like Monica said,

Now the other side to this,

Right?

There are people,

And that's why I said it's so important to,

You know,

To really take the time to look inside.

Where after a certain time you say,

You know what,

Assuming your son is happy with her,

Maybe I spend less time with her.

If really you come to the point where every time you're there and it's three times a week and it causes your blood to boil,

There is a point where you say,

Okay,

I will limit the amount of time,

But that's way down the road.

I think the first question has to be,

How can I grow?

Can you imagine,

And again,

Not to,

You know,

Sometimes when I,

When I share,

You know,

People say,

You know,

It seems so lofty,

Not to be too lofty,

But can you imagine not what this situation will be like,

But what your life would be like if you were at a point in your spiritual development where your daughter and loads of behavior,

No matter how wrong,

Didn't affect you in any way.

Imagine that place of being.

And what I would say is that if this is happening in your life,

It's because you can grow towards,

I wouldn't say to reach that tomorrow or next month or next year,

But you can go towards that being.

And,

And I asked you to take,

Just take a moment and think what your life,

Every other area of your life will be like,

And the experience,

If you are able to really be a person who even in this situation where your daughter-in-law is again,

Being selfish,

Unappreciative and so on,

But now you're in a place where it doesn't even touch you.

Now the benefit of that will be not just in your relationship with your daughter-in-law where you can be more unconditional because she doesn't make your blood boil,

No matter how she behaves,

But it will affect every other part of your life.

And that is actually why it's in your life.

It's not necessarily in your life because you're going to help her become a better person or you're going to help her appreciate more.

Maybe that will or won't happen.

That really is up to her.

But for you,

The change that you need to go through and I need to go through it.

Not a single one of us needs to go through,

But now you're being given a beautiful gift from the creator.

Somebody currently in your life who is assuming behaving badly and unappreciative,

But you're going to grow and become less reactive even in this difficult situation.

You will see that every other area of your life is going to benefit from the growth that you bring about through this consciousness and through this restriction of reactivity even in this situation.

Because we all need opposition,

Right?

Because that's what makes us great.

We talked about this last night when we looked back at the hardest years of our lives.

As difficult as it was,

I am grateful for it because we never made it about them.

We did not become victims to it and we rose up,

Right?

And that opposition really helped mold us into who we are today.

And I think there needs to be a healthy appreciation for those people that are strategically placed in our lives to help us become better and do better and be better.

And that only happens when things are difficult for the most part.

Right.

And again,

I think,

Again,

Not to belabor that point,

But if you really view your life that there are no coincidences and that everything that comes into your life,

Regardless of anybody else's story and purpose,

The real reason I am experiencing this in my life now is because I need it.

I need it either to grow from,

To enjoy,

To develop and so on.

But there is no coincidence why I need this.

And I think if you,

Again,

You start there.

So again,

And how she will change or in what ways you can help her change or your son can help her change,

All that is important conversation after this beginning.

If it's in my life,

It's in my life for a reason,

A reason of growth,

Transformation and change.

And I have to say that I am very interested to know what your son's perspective is.

I would just say that if he's like Monica said,

If he is happy,

Like so often,

You know,

Actually,

Monica and I were talking about this last night when we look at our children.

We had date night last night.

That's why we had all this conversation.

But often people,

When they look at their children,

They have a desire in some way for the children to be something or for their children to marry.

And trust me,

Monica and I both have very hopeful ideas about who we would want.

I wouldn't say who,

But the type of relationship we would really love for our children to have.

But I think it's so important to really distance your,

Take one step back and say,

Okay,

This is their life.

This is not my life.

This is not my spouse.

This is not my job.

This is their life.

And of course you try to give as much advice as you can.

You give,

Of course,

As much love as you can.

But let's be careful not to wrap ourselves up in anybody else's life,

Be they our children or anybody else in our life.

My responsibility is my growth.

Their responsibility is their growth.

And all I can do is share wisdom,

Support and love.

But at the end of the day,

I have to be very careful that I don't intertwine my desires into the choices that they're going to make.

Because I know that we've seen this and this is going to continue for sure.

Our children are going to make many decisions we agree with and they're going to make some decisions we don't agree with.

Hopefully they'll be right about those.

But you have to allow them to have their journey though.

It's their journey.

I'd appreciate that it's exactly and most importantly,

Appreciate because we've seen this so often.

It's not mine.

It's not yours.

It's not parents' choices or really story.

It's the children's story and choices.

And like Monica said,

If your son is very happy with her,

Then that really is a different story than if he also sees this as an issue,

Then of course it necessitates conversation and work.

But I think honestly,

The only way to approach any of that in the right way is by becoming less reactive yourself about the situation first.

It's so interesting.

I wasn't planning,

I was going to wrap it up now,

But I just wanted to,

You know,

As you were speaking,

It made me think about this is it brings me a little bit of sadness,

You know,

Because when we're talking about our kids,

I was thinking about my own childhood and my father was so immersed in all of his three daughters and all of our journeys.

I mean,

Really there was a lot of control and out of love,

But I don't think love and control can really coexist.

I think when you love unconditionally,

You allow a person to have their journey.

Of course,

My father thought he was doing the right thing.

No question.

The pain for me though is that he has Alzheimer's and he's not able to see what came of his daughters.

I'm going to get a little emotional,

But I wish that he had enjoyed the journey and he had allowed me to have mine and be happy at that time in his life instead of always being worried and upset and yelling.

And again,

Yes,

It was from love,

But had he enjoyed that,

I'd feel better about him not being able to see where I am today,

Where my sisters are.

And so I guess my ultimate advice to you is don't let anybody else steal away from your day and your time and your moment.

This is your life and you alone are responsible for the quality of it because there will come a day where there'll be a different reality and maybe you won't have as many choices.

I think that's the biggest gift my father's given me is that understanding of how precious each day is and how we can get so mired in other people's process,

Pain,

Life,

Journey that we miss out on our own.

So thank you for joining us.

I'm super excited about this and please send us more questions at monicaandmichael at cabala.

Com.

Yes,

Monicaandmichael,

A-N-D,

Michael at cabala.

Com.

We will get to them.

I mean,

We thought we were going to answer five today.

We got to two,

But we're keeping all of them and we'll definitely get to them.

Yes.

So thank you to all of you who sent in your questions.

Thank you all of you who are listening to this.

I know that I enjoyed it,

Monica.

Yeah,

It's been another day from the day now.

It's great.

They listen to by thousands of people,

But yes.

Again,

So thank you for listening and we look forward to sharing with you again next week.

Bye.

Bye.

Reviews

Great podcast. I'm so happy I found you guys! Love this so much🥰

I’m starting over with this first talk So glad I did. Thank you.

That was truly amazing and helpful. I can’t wait to share this with my husband.
Thank you both very much for all your insight and wisdom. 💫✨🌈❤️

Wise advise.

I got some pearls outta this. Thanks M&M!

Lovely couple! Nice content, enthusiasm for growth definitely contagious! Thanks! Would love to meet you both in person one day!

This was a great talk and lots of shared information, thank you🙏

Focus on being less reactive as a way to instigate change. Such an important message for me during this challenging time. Deepest thanks.🙏

An engaging conversation packed full of divine truth and wisdom. When the next opportunity presents itself, may I remember that my life will be so much better if I respond, instead of react. May I remember that I am never 100% right. 🙏❤️🌎

Listened to your latest podcast and loved so am starting at the beginning. Really grateful to have discovered it.

Beautiful and thought provoking. So many gems in here. Thank you.

My practice this week is to pause and look in.

Monica and Michael❣️
Your offering to us today is TRULY God-sent! Being a Life-Long Seeker, I hear God speak to me through different vessels; thank you for being His moth-piece for me today. 🙏🏻💕
This is one Meditation that will be added to my Favorites!

Oh, wow! This shiksa is in for the ride. We are one. Thank you!! 🙏🏻💞

Very insightful. Thank you!🌼

THIS WAS FANTASTIC!! Got so much out of this and have passed it on! Going to subscribe to the podcast.

Thank you for sharing your insights, humor and experience!