6. Stop Playing The Victim!: Writing Yourself A Better Story

In this compelling conversation, Monica and Michael uncover the source of the negative stories we tell ourselves. Learn how victimhood can become a trap for the ego, and conversely, how we can begin to take responsibility for our own growth and rewrite our story in a more positive light.

Transcript

I think that some stories serve us and others don't.

But we tend to position ourselves in a way where we can make it about them and take less responsibility.

Not only are you looking at the person and blaming them,

But now you're expecting them to be the solution.

The story that we're writing is,

In retrospect,

More likely to be remembered for its negative impacts and negative situations than the positive ones.

And the problem is,

Is that when we perceive that the cause of our hurt lies with another person,

Then we also think the solution to that hurt is reliant on that person.

In the grand scheme of things,

My soul,

My life process needed to go through those challenges in order to become the better version of myself,

In order to grow.

Welcome to the Spiritually Hungry Podcast,

Episode six.

We are so excited to be with you today.

And we are going to speak about something that we often recognize in other people,

But sometimes we have a hard time recognizing it in ourselves.

Because at the end of the day,

Nobody really wants to play this role.

And that is the role of a victim.

So I want to tell you a little story about a friend of ours.

I don't know if you remember this.

I'm sure you will after I get into it.

Michael,

I'm talking to you.

But I remember years ago,

We went for dinner with a friend of ours.

And we've been friends with him for many years at the time.

Still are friends,

But at that point,

Many years.

I remember it now.

Oh,

Really?

Already?

Yes.

And in that conversation,

We started talking about one of our four children,

Our second son,

Josh.

And we were talking about potentially moving to New York at the time we lived in Los Angeles.

And we had talked about this move back and forth for years.

And we were starting to finally get ready to take the big plunge.

And we were explaining to him that it's a bit complicated because Josh needs additional support and all kinds of therapy and overall assistance.

And our friend,

Again,

Who's known Josh since birth,

Said,

What do you mean?

Why does Josh need therapy?

And then I looked at him,

I said,

You know he has Down syndrome,

Right?

And literally his mouth dropped.

And after a brief pause,

He said,

You just don't wear it.

And it clearly struck me because I've written about it and talked about this moment.

And it struck me because I realized that in life,

Most people go around wearing the things that happen to them and mostly the things that are perceived as negative or things that we didn't want.

Right.

And I think that over time,

That becomes the lines in our faces.

I mean,

We wear our emotions in our bodies as well,

Feelings of betrayal,

Of resentment,

Sadness.

And eventually,

If we're not careful,

It becomes the foundation of our identity.

And it becomes the way we express our energy,

Our unique self out in the universe.

So if you look at it that way,

I don't think that anybody would choose that.

And I remember often,

Because you know,

I like to people watch and I'm really intrigued and curious by- And our daughter Miriam always points out that Monica watches,

In her opinion,

A few seconds longer than most.

Because it's a story,

Right?

I mean,

It's interesting to watch human behavior.

I think it can also help us when we're navigating our own lives,

Right?

You can watch other people and make note for good and for bad without judgment,

Just like,

Oh,

That's something I want to do or that's something that I should never do.

And I remember,

I don't remember when exactly,

But a while back,

And I still have this thought,

Sometimes you come across people who have lots and lots and lots of lines on their faces.

And some are happy lines from laughing a lot,

And some are lines around their lips from smoking too much,

Perhaps.

But then also you have lines of like a scowl mark or people who have been upset most of their lives are angry.

And then that becomes their resting face.

And I think that that's what I'm trying to articulate when I say what we wear,

Right?

What we believe,

How we reach and come to greet the things that happen to us in our lives become the very lines on our faces and our behavior and characteristics.

Yeah,

Very much so.

And you know,

There is a teaching that says that we write the story of our lives.

And if one so believes after our physical body is left in this world and the soul leaves,

That that book is then read to us again.

But regardless of how we see what happens to our body and soul after its time in this world,

This understanding that we are literally writing the story of our lives.

And like Monica said,

It stays with us.

And you and I have all met people who just looking at them,

You can tell that their story is a happy story.

It doesn't mean that they weren't great challenges.

Everybody in every life has great challenges.

But as they viewed them,

As they experienced them,

As they look back at them,

As they remembered them,

Their life story is a happy one.

And I think it's important to all of us,

Regardless of what stage in our lives we are at,

At the beginning of the book or the middle of the book or towards the end of the book,

To really ask that question,

What story am I writing?

What is the story of my life?

And one of the simplest ways to really gauge us,

And I know,

Although it's important to always be focused in words as far as growth and attention,

But when you walk into a room,

When you spend time with people and you leave,

What energy do you leave behind?

What energy will the people you come in contact with,

What energy will they say they've experienced?

And we all know people like this,

And we know people we might even enjoy spending time with,

But we know every time,

Almost every time we sit with them,

There's going to be a story of somebody who's done them harm or somebody who's done them wrong.

And that story is harmful not only because that's the one they're repeating,

But because that's really what they believe.

And if you're more conscious of the fact that you are actively writing your life story,

And while it's true,

It's much more changeable when you're in your teens and 20s and 30s,

And as you get later on in life,

That story is almost completely written and is who you are at that point.

It's now your identity.

Right.

But you can always change it.

It's important to know that.

But I think most important is to know that we are writing the story of our lives.

And in thinking about that,

There is a concept which I often like to speak about because we consciously or unconsciously believe the stories we tell ourselves.

And the reality is,

And science has proven this,

And there's a great amount of writings around this,

That we do not actually often see reality,

Certainly not the totality of reality.

But more importantly,

Even what we have experienced,

We have a bias towards remembering the negative as opposed to the positive.

And I think we spoke about this in some of the earlier podcasts that if you're at a party and you had,

You know,

There for two,

Three hours and you had really an amazing time,

Great conversation,

Great friends,

Great meetings,

And then one thing happened that really set you off.

Somebody came over and said something where somebody was impolite and so on.

When you're driving home with your friend or spouse,

The story that you will tell about that evening is,

Can you believe that person?

Now,

This is true not just in how we retell our stories to others,

But scientifically proven that we actually remember what we have been through with a negativity bias.

Now,

Think about that for a moment.

The story that we're writing is the scientists tell us in retrospect more likely to be remembered for its negative impacts and negative situations than the positive ones,

Which means we have to be very,

Very mindful in the stories that we tell ourselves.

Because as Monika once mentioned,

When you focus your life story,

Whether you want to or not on the victim reality of your life,

That's actually who you become and it will actually become your second nature and you won't even notice doing it anymore.

But you will find yourself probably feeling unhappy,

But at that point you won't even be able to recognize where that's coming from.

Certainly you won't recognize that you have created that for yourself because in the mindset of a victim,

There is no taking responsibility for where you find yourself.

Well,

You can't.

It's everybody else's fault.

I mean,

I don't want to mention who,

But we have a member of our family who we love dearly,

Who it's almost his catchphrase.

Anything that could be from the silliest thing to more important things,

Somebody must have done something wrong.

Of course,

Not them.

And we make jokes about it just to try to help them start to recognize the pattern.

Right.

And then often they do.

And often they do.

So this is actually a very positive experience that we have in confronting this with them.

But the reality,

And I think it's so important before we go any further for all of us to realize that in writing the story of our lives,

We have written the part of the victim much larger than it was in reality and certainly much larger than it should be.

And by that,

I mean that,

Of course,

We all experience victimization,

Right?

We all experience somebody,

Sometimes more than one person,

Doing something negative to us.

We all experience the smallest thing to the greater thing.

But the thought is that does not make me a victim.

The fact that somebody else did something to me that I would not have chosen for them to do does not necessarily make me a victim.

If I experience that and this is where the spiritual work comes in,

And I say even though that's not something I would have chosen for myself,

And I don't even know why that person did it to me,

But I know that for myself it was necessary,

It was a growth opportunity for me.

So,

It doesn't,

By the way,

None of this precludes the other people who are victimizing from seeing their actions as negative.

But how I receive them,

How I experience them,

How I remember them should be in a way that led to growth,

That led to change.

And if you view life's challenges,

Especially those that are caused by others,

Not as something that should not have happened to you and did because that person victimized me,

But rather in the grand scheme of things,

My soul,

My life process needed to go through those challenges in order to become the better version of myself,

In order to grow.

It's interesting,

As you were speaking,

I remember this story also a long time ago.

There's somebody who knows everybody in my family,

And knows my sisters and my mom.

And one day we were talking and she said,

Well,

I believe that in every family there's an unlucky one.

And I was kind of curious about where she's going with this.

And I said,

Oh,

Okay.

She's like,

Well,

In your family,

Clearly you are,

To me.

And I was like,

Wait a second.

How long ago is this?

A long time ago.

And I was like,

No,

But I was really,

And I was clearly very happy and other people were having chaos in their lives.

And I was like,

How do you figure?

She's like,

Well,

You had the son with Down syndrome.

And I said,

Actually,

I'm really happy.

And you know that.

I feel very successful in every aspect of my life.

I feel like I'm kind of crushing this thing.

And I think it was a cultural thing where one person was assigned.

But can you imagine if that was my belief system,

If I was the person that had victim mentality,

I would have been like,

My God,

This proves what I think to be true.

And unfortunately,

I'm sure it's true that there are,

For instance,

Parents to children with special needs that have made that their life story.

And they are either a victim to it or just unhappy or challenged by it.

And I think it's,

Again,

Like I said,

I think it's so important to be clear.

It's not about what happens to us.

We're all going to have challenges.

And we are also all going to experience other people doing things to us that they should not be doing to us.

But at the end of the day,

The way we view it,

The way we experience it is what we're talking about.

Well,

The same thing could happen to you and I today,

Right?

The same exact thing.

And maybe you would take it one way and I would see it completely differently.

And it could be bad,

Let's say,

In your eyes.

And in my eyes,

I would see it as something positive.

But I mean,

I think that it's never about the situation.

It's only how you see the situation.

But I do want to pick up on this one thing you were talking about where you mentioned stories.

Because this is the thing about stories.

It's an essential aspect of every culture,

Right?

We all enjoy theater.

We enjoy curling up to a good book.

We love going to musicals or ballets or operas.

I'm sure we're feeling pretty deprived right now since everything's closed because of COVID.

But just as culturally around the world,

We all participate in this.

And Owen Flanagan,

He's a leading consciousness researcher.

And he writes that,

Evidence strongly suggests that humans in all cultures come to cast their own identity in some sort of narrative form.

We are inveterate storytellers.

And the thing is,

There's no rule book for life,

Right?

So we all create our own rules based on our own stories,

Which are influenced by things that have happened to us,

Right?

So we have a choice to see both good and bad.

But often,

We tend to see the negative.

So for instance,

Let's say the lady who cut you off in traffic.

You might say,

She's a troll,

Right?

Or the parking attendant who always gives you the worst spot.

You might call them an ogre.

Or the boss who gives you too much work.

You can call a six-eyed monster,

Right?

We tend to label people and have them be part of our narrative.

And we choose to either play the hero or the victim or there's a villain,

Right?

And we go through life casting different people that come across our life experiences in the same way.

So I think,

Because you brought it up earlier,

Why do people do this,

Right?

Why do we tend to see the negative?

I think that saying,

My boss is a monster is an easier excuse as to why you dislike your job than to actually having the conversation where you get constructive feedback or criticism.

I think that some stories serve us and others don't.

But we tend to position ourselves in a way where we can make it about them and take less responsibility.

And this happens a lot in relationships also.

So there are facts and then there are stories.

So for instance,

And I hear this a lot with couples that I work with,

They might say,

My partner is being distant,

Right?

That's a fact.

But the story they say is my marriage is over.

And that's,

Do you see how different those two things can be?

Well,

I was going to say,

Probably as I was thinking as you were talking,

Why is it that the victim story is the one that is,

I would say,

Too often or more often than not the one that we tell ourselves?

And one reason I think is the ego,

Right?

Because if you are not the victim,

That means that in some cases there's things that you need to change about yourself.

Yeah,

It's more painful.

Yeah.

And then I think we've all,

I mean,

I think it's important to really take the time as you're listening to this to think about the last time somebody said something to you.

Now,

Again,

I want to be really clear.

We're not saying that the person who said it was doing the right thing,

But at the end of the day,

You heard it.

And was there something in there in the message that they gave you and the words that they said that actually should be pointing you towards something that you should change,

Make better about yourself or your reaction?

But your reaction to it was,

You know,

I got to,

This guy is an idiot.

Why is he or she talking to me like that?

Why are they saying this to me?

And the real reason that we react in that way is because the ego wants to protect that story that we're telling ourselves.

And if there's some truth in what they're saying,

Regardless of how they said it,

If there's some truth,

It means I have some work to do.

And so the word that comes to mind is lazy.

The victim is the lazy story.

You don't have to do anything proactive in life.

You don't have to change.

And the victim's story is there for you for the taking.

I see it also when people look at what others have and they say,

Oh,

You know,

That person,

They came across,

They came upon money and I never had that opportunity or,

You know,

She doesn't have to work and that's why she has a better life.

And I do.

So I suffer.

Right.

So basically now you've taken away all responsibility for creating your best life.

And at the end of the day,

It is each person's responsibility to create the life they want.

But it is far easier,

But less effective for sure,

To create these other stories about them,

The others,

What's in front of you instead of doing the hard work.

And I also think this is still connected to ego because you might try and fail.

Right.

And that's going to be painful also.

So I'm not going to even try.

I'm just going to be a victim about it.

And then the hardships in my life can be about everyone else.

Right.

And I think as you were talking,

I realized there's probably even a deeper point here,

Which is that maybe there are people who don't believe things are changeable.

Maybe there are people who don't even accept that they have the power,

The ability to create great change for themselves and for the world.

Because if they've played the victim role for most of their lives,

It's kind of like they've gone through life self-handicapping.

So then when they get older,

And even if they do crave change,

Because I think we all crave change,

But I know we crave it,

But we don't necessarily want to create it.

They're two different things.

But even if you get to the point where you're tired of the way your life looks,

Right,

You feel like you've suffered so much and it's uncomfortable now,

Even though it's your comfort,

It's still uncomfortable.

Then it's almost like you have no tools because you don't even know where to start if you've lived in this narrative for your entire life.

Right.

Right.

So you've been sharing a story with somebody you know well that might spend their lives blaming their significant other for their lack of happiness.

And when that.

.

.

You tell the story better than me.

Well,

Yeah,

I think I shared it.

Oh,

You did it in one of the podcasts?

I did.

Okay.

Well,

But again,

I think.

.

.

You can share it again.

One of the things some of you might know that I've been telling stories,

I would say spiritual stories for the past 30 years probably.

And whenever I would talk,

I would say,

Some of you might have heard this before.

And somebody once came over to me,

I remember it stayed with me,

This must have been 10,

15 years ago.

He said,

These stories are so beautiful,

Even if somebody heard them before,

It's worth hearing them again.

So to you as well,

To this story.

But that's the point.

Sorry,

But the point is in that situation.

.

.

And so when their partner then became unwell and they could no longer designate all their lack to this person,

Then they were met with all of these uncomfortable feelings.

So the victim story didn't work anymore because there was no villain in front of them.

But the lack that was created.

.

.

Became overwhelming.

Exactly.

And I think that's a really important point,

The fact that it behooves us to stop writing the victim story as quickly as we can,

Because the longer it persists,

The more we believe it and the more difficult process it will be for us,

If even impossible,

To change out of it.

But I do want to go back to the point which I do think,

Again,

For many of our listeners,

Maybe for some of our listeners at least,

You have to accept,

Believe,

Whichever word you want to choose,

That you can actually change almost anything.

That change is not only possible,

But it is actually why we came into this world.

And I think when you talk about being a victim,

I think part,

We mentioned the fact that the ego wants to tell us it's their fault,

His fault,

Her fault,

Nothing I can do about it.

But also I think it stems from the fact that we're not always sure that we can change anything.

And I think in order to begin the process of stopping to write the victim story of our lives,

That we accept,

Know that I have the ability to change almost anything.

And the greatest joy and light that will come into my life is going to be through that process of changing.

I think though,

The one very,

Very necessary ingredient is to have desire.

I think all that energy that is spent on looking out there and by the way,

This is a lot of energy to be a victim.

Really,

It's a lot of energy.

It's negative energy,

But it's still energy.

You take all of those thoughts and all of that heaviness and all of that lack,

Right?

That's a lot of energy.

And instead you put it now into the desire of what you really want out of life,

Of who you want to become,

Of how you envision yourself if you were able to see yourself in the greatest of lights.

You're like halfway there.

Right,

And I think I do want to underscore again this point again that it's the lazy path,

Although it does necessitate a lot of energy.

At the end of the day,

It will take more energy to change,

To grow,

To accept what needs to be changed.

Yes,

But you get more energy.

Oh,

Absolutely.

We're definitely promoting the non-victim mentality.

The lazy person is like,

I have no energy.

Of course not,

Because you feel completely depleted.

It's still energy though.

You know how much mental space is taken and occupied all the time in people's minds?

That could be completely,

You could open the windows,

Let all of that out and then fill your mind with something else completely.

Right.

And I think it's important,

We're talking more in terms of the totality of a person's life,

But the reality is every single one of us,

Every single day has many opportunities to choose either to be a victim or to be active.

So again,

When the guy,

Like you said,

Cuts you off in the street,

Or.

.

.

Troll.

Yes,

Or really what you want to do is really live mindfully of this question.

How many times today did I behave or allow myself to fall back into the victim thought?

And as I said,

The more conscious you are,

The more you realize that you are allowing yourself to do that all the time,

As opposed to saying,

Okay,

I might not have clarity about exactly,

And I try to do this as often as I can.

Sometimes it makes sense,

Sometimes it doesn't.

Meaning sometimes I understand why this person had to yell at me or why this person had to do this negative thing to me for my benefit.

Sometimes I don't.

But even in the times when I can't see clearly why this action had to occur to me,

I have an acceptance because I've seen it happen so many times in my life where others,

Their intentions be they,

Whatever they are,

What they did to me was so much for my benefit.

So as today,

Even if I don't see the benefit,

I say,

I know this is coming from the light of the creator and I know it's ultimately for my benefit and I actually enjoy it.

And that's the point.

The point is you get to a state where you enjoy what others are doing,

Regardless of why they're doing it.

Whereas in another state,

You would be viewing yourself as the victim,

Poor me,

That this person is doing this for no reason.

So I want to get to our first question.

Probably the only one we'll get to,

But okay.

This one says,

Thank you for the opportunity.

I've always believed in God,

Miracles,

The creator,

All of that.

However,

I have to admit,

I don't understand anything.

My questions are very basic.

Why do bad things happen to good people?

Why are we in this life?

Is it to suffer?

I have never been loved.

I have never been able to have my own family,

My own children simply because no man has ever put his eyes on me.

And instead I deal with an immune disease.

My mom died when I was just 35,

Leaving me all alone.

I don't have a good job.

What is this life about?

Is it about suffering,

Pain?

I truly feel like God never listens to me,

Never helps me.

Is there really a creator that helps us?

Please help me.

Thank you.

There's a lot there.

I think the first thing that you have to say is that,

So sorry that this has been your experience in life.

And I hope that some of what we say can help transform at least the way you experience the rest of your life.

But I think as it relates to everything we've spoken about until now,

All of us have moments of thoughts like that.

And I want to talk a little bit about pain.

Pain is a word that can encompass any type of challenge,

Any type of opposition that we have.

And one of the core principles in life is that we have to change,

We have to grow.

And there's two ways that that happens.

One is an internal awakening to change,

To grow,

To learn,

To become more.

And the other,

Which is necessary,

Is you can call it pain,

You can call it a challenge,

You can call it opposition,

But an external force that acts upon us in our lives that forces us to grow,

To change,

To become more.

And the reality for most of us is that we need these two pathways,

One where we're awakening change within ourselves for our own growth,

But that will often not be enough.

We need to be,

And I would use the word blessed,

With opposition,

With some degrees of pain,

With some degrees of challenge that will force us to change.

We've been involved with people who are thankfully desiring to grow into change.

And in all these years,

I have to say that some,

If not most,

Of the people I met who really went through great changes and great growth,

Almost always it begins from a point of pain.

It almost always begins from a point of challenge.

And I would say even for myself,

The greatest,

And although again,

I do as much as I can,

Both in studying,

In spiritual work,

In desire to grow,

Some of the most important times of growth,

I would say the most important times of growth in my life,

And I would say in our lives,

Has been brought upon by external forces,

External situations that we could not control,

That we did not control.

And the reality is that if we got to choose the path of our lives,

We would never grow as much as we need to,

As much as we came to this world to grow.

There's an old,

An ancient Aramaic teaching that the Kabbalists often quote,

In Aramaic it's Lefum Tsara Agra,

Which means depending on the amount of pain or challenge is the amount of reward or the amount of light and blessings that you receive.

And that's a reality that we should see and accept in our lives,

That in order for us to truly become who we're meant to become,

To reveal the great potential of our soul in this world and the great blessings we're meant to have in our lives,

A constant in our lives will always be challenges,

Some degree of pain,

But again,

Not for the purpose of pain on its for its own sake,

But rather as an impetus,

As a push for growth.

Yes,

I agree obviously with everything that you said.

I think it's important to have the perspective that everybody in life goes through challenges and has opposition.

It's just part of life because we need these things put in front of us in order to evolve and to expand our consciousness and hopefully grow and transform,

Which is really the purpose to why we came into this world.

Where we get into trouble is that often we're committed to being the victim in a situation and we stay true to that commitment.

We're very interesting as human beings to the places we can go into our mind.

Sometimes I'll have really interesting dark thoughts and I'll share them with you,

Michael.

I thought you were about to share them with everybody.

No,

I'm definitely not doing that today.

But I love seeing your response because it's like you don't really go to that place in your mind,

Which is one of the things I love about you because I think it's a real balance for me.

But the question is,

How do we get past this commitment and not allow these grievances to become our story of victimization?

I talked about this in one of our other podcasts.

It's like flipping a switch.

Sometimes you just decide and you commit to something else.

It's just like that.

You tell your mind what to do.

You choose the direction in which you go.

And the problem is that when we perceive that the cause of our hurt lies with another person,

Then we also think the solution to that hurt is reliant on that person.

So then that's another cycle of staying stuck.

There's no movement there because not only are you looking at the person and blaming them,

But now you're expecting them to be the solution.

We have to look outside ourselves for the solution,

Plain and simple.

And I love this story because you brought up opposition too.

And I talk about this a lot.

I've written about it in my book,

In Rethink Love.

But it's a story of Niki Lauda and James Hunt.

Do you remember the race car drivers?

And Ron Howard made a movie about it called Rush,

Which was really great.

I highly recommend that.

And it's two race car drivers who are equally awesome.

And they constantly play out their opposition on the track,

Day in,

Day out,

Who's better.

And then one day,

And they're like side by side,

Major competition.

And then one day,

Niki Lauda gets in a horrific car accident.

He gets burnt all over his body.

The car's up in flames.

And he needs to be in the hospital for months,

Months of torture really,

To rehabilitate.

And one day when he was getting his lungs pumped and vacuumed,

I mean,

That's how severely burnt he was.

And he was watching while this was happening,

He kept watching James Hunt racing.

So imagine he's sitting in the hospital bed.

He's in excruciating pain.

And he can hardly breathe.

And he's still watching and making his situation about his rival as he sees it.

And the doctor who now is close with him,

Imagine he's taking care of him every day.

He says to him,

Stop thinking of it as a curse that you've been given an enemy in life.

It can be a blessing too.

A wise man gets more from his enemies than a fool does from his friends.

I love this quote.

And in that moment,

Nicky Lauda realized that without his arch enemy,

He never would have been so motivated to make the full recovery.

And he did.

And when he finally came out of the hospital,

James met with him and he said to him,

In many ways,

I feel responsible for what happened.

And Nicky cut him off and he said,

You were,

But trust me,

Watching you win those races while I was fighting for my life made you equally responsible for getting me back in the car.

So this transformation occurred between the two of them when they stopped seeing their difficulties with one another as being personal.

And I think that's a real aspect also of being a victim.

It's like,

Clearly you deserve this or clearly you're not meant to have better.

We do take things that happen to us very personally.

They're not necessarily personally,

They're perfect for us.

There's something unique for us to take from it in a positive way,

But it's not a punishment.

And I think that that's where we sometimes go in our minds.

You view it as a punishment.

Yeah.

Interesting.

Yeah.

If we could go throughout life thinking in this way.

But I think one of the reasons,

Again,

That we don't is because of the way that we view what is happening to us.

And cabalistically,

We know that we can actually change our perception of what is happening in our lives,

Which I think is one of the most important aspects of the spiritual work.

Like you said before,

Two people can go through the exact same thing.

One of them can either enjoy it and one of them can hate it.

Well,

Tell us that story.

I love that Kabbalistic story of Rephzusha.

Rephzusha,

Right.

Right.

So I think it's perfectly dovetails into everything we're talking about.

So this story goes back a few hundred years.

There was a group of spiritual masters surrounding a great teacher's name was the Magid of Mezrich.

And there is,

Again,

This ancient concept that an individual is meant to receive in his or her life,

The good,

In exactly the same way that one is meant to receive what,

Again,

Others would perceive as bad or negative.

So the master,

The Magid of Mezrich,

Was teaching this concept.

And we know learning isn't just about hearing words,

But actually being able to receive it deep inside and being able to live it.

So after the class,

Some of the students came up to him and they said,

We hear the teaching,

But it just seems so beyond us.

How can anybody ever come to a state where the worst things that happen to them are as accepted or even enjoyable as the best things that happen to them?

So the Magid said,

You know,

This is one of my students who they all knew.

His name was Zusha of Annapali.

He was from the town of Annapali.

He says,

Go ask Zusha.

Because they all know,

They all knew that Zusha had a very difficult life,

Physical life,

A spiritual life.

It would seem that everywhere he turned,

There was a challenge.

Everybody knew this about him.

So the teacher,

The Magid says,

Go to Zusha.

He'll be able to teach you what I mean by saying that one needs to get to a state where he or she receives or accepts what happens that is difficult and challenging and painful as well as with as much embrace as the blessings.

So they go to Zusha and they say to him,

Listen,

They tell him the whole story that they were studying about this concept.

How can you embrace the challenges?

How can you embrace the pain?

And our teacher said that to truly be able to understand this,

We should ask you.

So we ask you,

Zusha,

We all know the challenges you have in your life,

The pain that you experience in your life.

How do you embrace all of those challenges and all of that pain with so much joy,

With so much happiness?

Zusha thinks for a moment and he turns back to him.

He says,

I'm very surprised that our teacher would send you to me for this concept,

For this teaching,

Because in my life,

I've never experienced any pain.

In my life,

I've never really experienced any great challenge.

I'm the wrong person to be teaching you,

To be explaining to you how one can accept pain and challenges with joy and with happiness.

And that of course was the lesson that the purpose of the spiritual work and the spiritual study is to so completely transform our experience of life so that for what others might be pain and challenging for the spiritual person,

For the person we are hopefully becoming,

We will experience it as great joy.

And again,

This might be a concept that is beyond this,

But at the core of spiritual growth is a change in our perception.

There's a story that often when I speak or when I teach,

Some people tell me that I talk about lofty matters and I want to always be mindful that we always also bring down this wisdom down to earth.

How can the rest of us who aren't on these highest levels of spiritual growth,

How can we see ourselves growing in that direction?

How can we see ourselves using it?

But I do want to share one story.

This is a story from 2000 years ago about a great spiritual giant and his name was Rabbi Akiva.

And during that time,

2000 years ago in the land of Israel,

It was ruled by the Romans,

The Roman Empire.

And at the time they were very,

Very harsh in their judgment.

They put out an edict that no one was allowed to teach.

And most of you know the history that 2000 years ago in what is now the land of Israel,

There were many spiritual teachers that literally roamed often in the north in the Galilee.

And they would teach,

They would gather around them five students,

Ten students,

Rabbi Akiva had thousands of students.

And the Romans put out an edict that no one is allowed to teach,

No one is allowed to gather around them students.

And if one is caught doing this,

They will be killed.

Rabbi Akiva,

Who was a spiritual giant,

Could not see his life being worth living if he cannot teach,

Continued teaching,

Gathering around him students.

And this became known to the Romans.

And the Roman governor sent out soldiers to arrest Rabbi Akiva,

And they do.

And this again,

For those of you who do not know the story,

I do say that this is a very,

It's a horrific story.

The Romans decide that they're going to kill Rabbi Akiva because he flouted their edict.

And they decide that his death is going to be a terrible one.

They are going to take metal cones and scrape off his skin.

And eventually,

Of course,

He will die from the loss of blood.

As this is happening,

As this is happening,

His students gather around him.

How can this be happening to somebody like you?

How can God allow somebody who has spent their entire life in the service of others and teaching others?

How can their death be so cruel,

Be so torturous,

Be so bad?

And Rabbi Akiva turns to them and he says,

I'm not sure what you're talking about.

My experience in this moment is what I've been waiting for my entire life.

The joy that he felt,

And again,

I think for every single person listening,

I could say certainly for myself,

To even think about that reality where the experience of such for what would be for literally any other human being,

Great pain for him.

His experience of it was of great joy.

Now given that is a story that is beyond,

I think,

Comprehension for many of us,

But I do want to use that extreme story for the lesson for me and for you and for every person listening.

One of the great powers of spiritual development is a changing of our eyes.

There's actually a phrase that the teachers use that they say that in order to be growing,

How do you know if you're growing is that you are attaining the opening of the eyes,

Which means a different perspective on things,

A different perspective on life.

Basically,

A different perspective on pain.

For me,

I find that so inspiring because again,

As we spoke earlier,

Every one of us will experience pain.

That's such a great visual,

By the way.

If you just walk around saying,

I want to see things through new eyes,

New eyes,

I mean,

That could be like a shortcut to your brain to actually shift your perception.

Right.

You often use the phrase the eyes of God,

Right?

That I want to be attaining the eyes of God so that the way that the creator sees things,

The way that greatest spiritual masters see things,

That's how I want to be able to begin to experience my life.

Just think about that for a moment,

Even for those of us for whom this concept is maybe a little bit beyond.

Imagine a reality where no matter what happens to you,

You can see it and therefore experience it in a way that is positive.

This I strongly believe is really the goal for each one of us.

It reminds me of that quote by Ania Sin and she says,

We do not see things as they are,

But as we are.

I love talking about perception because I think our power to be able to shift ours is one of our greatest strengths and one that we don't utilize nearly enough.

If we think about perception,

Let's just look at that for a second.

It's shaped by each person's history,

Right?

Things that we've learned,

Things that we hold in our memory and our brains throughout the day are constantly processing data.

Most of this data we're usually unaware of,

Right?

It's things that come in front of us.

This is why I often especially tell our children why it's so important to choose your environment because things are affecting us in so many ways all the time,

Even things we don't realize.

With that,

Right?

Our gaze into the world is through a filter by every experience we have ever had.

We see things through flaws,

Through choices that brought us to where we find ourselves today,

Through our hopes,

Through our fears,

Through events that have affected us and even changed us,

Right?

That's what affects how we view,

Right?

That's the lens through which we see everything that happens.

Our perception continues to change and is influenced by our family,

By our friends,

By our colleagues because everything again gives us feedback.

But if we understand the power of our perception,

We can actually choose to change it in an instant.

I like to use this example.

Imagine somebody who is suffering from amnesia,

Right?

I don't think that anybody would want that.

It's quite terrifying,

But just imagine for a moment that you have an adult with their entire past wiped out,

Right?

Any memory of family,

Of friends,

Of heartbreaks and of accomplishments.

They wake up one day,

No memory.

They see the physical world for the first time.

Everything is strange.

It's new.

It's miraculous simply because they perceive it purely untainted by experience and memory,

Right?

There's nothing that's going to influence what they see on that day that they wake up.

So nobody wants that,

But we can train ourselves to perceive without past experiences informing us.

And the only deciding factor is our consciousness.

And it reminds me of years,

Maybe two,

Three years ago,

Our youngest Abigail,

We were walking up to our house and we have these planters on each side of the front door.

And on one side,

That's the shadier side,

It was green.

And the other side,

The other planter was yellow.

And I remember at the same time before she said what I'm about to share with you,

I had the thought like,

It's dying,

It's yellow and brown.

And right then she says,

Mommy,

Look,

It turned yellow.

And I was about to say,

I think I started to say,

I know we need to water it more.

It's not green anymore.

She says,

Mommy,

Yellow is a beautiful color.

Because she didn't have the experience in life yet.

She was only like four or five to understand what a yellow plant that used to be green indicated,

Right?

That it was dying.

But even more than that,

Taking that one step deeper,

It's not just that she didn't know that that meant that they were dying,

But also because we know that when we see yellow flowers that causes some level of pain or- Exactly,

It's influenced our perception,

Right?

Why couldn't I just see that now I have a green plant and I have a yellow plant,

Right?

Because I'm influenced by past experiences.

And in that moment,

That's beautiful.

So I think that is so incredibly powerful.

And there's another quote by Salman Rushdie that I really like.

Those who do not have the power over the story that dominates their lives,

The power to retell it,

Rethink it,

Deconstruct it,

Joke about it and change it as times change,

Truly are powerless because they cannot think new thoughts.

Beautiful,

Beautiful.

You know,

I was thinking there's a teaching that says,

You know,

If we look through our lives and we look through our year and all the years of our life,

What will be the moments that we would think,

Oh,

That was a great time.

That was an important time.

And the Kabbalists teach that often we are mistaken in our choices of the best times of our lives because I think for many of us,

I think those will be the times that things were easy.

Those will be the times where there didn't seem to be any challenge.

It didn't seem to be any pain.

But the Kabbalists say that in the perspective of our lives,

You know,

Call it the eyes of the Creator,

The real highlights of our lives are those days of challenge,

Those days where there was pain,

But we were able to either transform it or rise above it.

And that if,

As we look back at our lives,

Not just when you're at the end of it,

But it could be right now,

Looking back on yesterday or last week,

Knowing that those moments that felt challenging,

That felt that they had pain within them,

Those actually are the greatest moments of our lives.

I love what you just shared because I think so often in life,

And I'm going to give you a personal story that's actually a little bit vulnerable for me,

But I'll get to that in a second.

But I think that most people go through lives wanting to just remember the good things that happened and to take white out and wipe out the things that were painful.

And you can't,

I mean,

That's like going and editing a movie and only writing the happy parts,

Right?

Not very interesting.

Not very interesting at all.

And I remember,

So a little history,

We have four kids.

And after Josh was born,

I got pregnant three months later with Miriam very quickly.

There was a lot of emotions and feelings I was still going through and a lot of fear at the time of being pregnant again.

And what if something happens again that I don't expect?

Because we did find out about Josh's diagnosis a few hours after he was born.

And I remember when we drove home from the hospital after I gave birth to Miriam,

We stopped at a coffee place and I still,

I had Miriam in the car and you ran in to get us something.

And then coming back,

I remember,

And I was listening to my go-to deep thoughts kind of sad song.

Do you know what it is?

Impress me.

Yes,

You did.

There you go,

Viewers.

He knows my song.

And that was unedited by the way.

I got worried for a second.

If I got that wrong,

We'd have to edit it.

Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd.

That just takes me to a place ever since high school even.

So I was listening to it,

By the time I got back in the car,

I had this whole experience with myself and my thoughts and I said to you,

Now this is complete.

We have two boys,

We have a girl.

I wish I could just go and wipe out all that pain from the year before.

And I wish that I didn't have to have had that.

Can we just pick up and continue from here?

And you said,

And I'm sure you don't remember that mom,

But it was profound for me.

You said that if you wipe out the pain that you experienced,

Then you're going to wipe out all the blessings that came from that as well.

And I think that it was such a shift in my perception and my consciousness that I never ever wished that again for anything that happened to me in life.

That's beautiful.

This is on the topic.

I was thinking because you mentioned before that perception,

It's so important that we,

This is objectively true,

That there is almost never something that is absolutely good or absolutely bad.

It's literally almost always,

And again,

There are a few times in life,

I think,

That for most of us who aren't at the ultimate spiritual level,

There are going to be those moments that are actually painful,

That are actually objectively painful.

But most of the times that we experience pain and challenge,

They are not objectively one way or the other,

It's just how we perceive them.

And I remember,

And again,

I'm not sure you remember this,

And it's not that big of a story,

But I often think that from the silly stories,

We can learn important lessons for ourselves.

And that is years ago when we were planning on moving to New York,

We were taking our kids to different schools that we were hoping they were going to go to.

And it was on a very tight timeline and we really needed to get them into the schools that we wanted them to get into.

Each one of them needed a different type of school.

And I remember we took Miriam,

Our daughter,

To one school and we assumed that she would definitely get in.

And then after the meeting there,

The people in charge said,

You know,

It's not so sure and there's a waiting list and so on and so forth.

And I remember we went to get some coffee and we were sitting there and I remember like for a few minutes at least,

I'm like in my mind,

You know,

Mulling this over,

You know,

We have these plans for this move and this doesn't work out.

What does that mean?

It's going to be a problem and so on and so forth as we often do.

And then the next thought,

Which I often like to do to realize how silly I have been in either worrying about something.

I said,

You know,

There are six billion,

Seven billion people in this world.

99.

999999% of them have no interest in having their kid go to this school.

Their kid being accepted or not being accepted in this school means nothing to them.

So objectively,

This worry that I have,

Will my child be accepted to this school,

In the grand scheme of our world is clearly a silly worry because it's not like,

You know,

About life and death.

This is a silly worry that I have right now.

And for me,

That thought again,

I hope I'm explaining this well,

But for me,

The fact that I realized this is something that most 99.

9% and more of the world couldn't care less about this thing that I am fretting over.

Well then obviously it's not that big a deal.

And with that thought,

I was able to then,

You know,

Stop worrying about it.

And I think sometimes I often find that I do this with myself.

So much of our perspective about worry is silly.

At the end of the day,

It's really silly.

It might feel really big.

It might feel really menacing and overpowering in the moment.

But in reality,

So many of our perceived challenges and even pain,

So much of it,

Can be brought down to the level of being silly.

You know,

I have a theory about that.

I think that people put a lot of energy in worrying.

And it sounds crazy,

But it gives them a false sense of control.

Because it's still something now you're thinking about and you're going back and forth with.

So we often replace talk for action,

Right?

You're busy thinking about it.

So we foolishly think like,

Okay,

I'm in control now because I'm giving a lot of thought to this.

And that's what our stories are.

They're nothing more than illusions of control.

And we might all wish to have more control over our lives,

Right?

From finding the perfect house,

To getting a great mortgage rate,

To landing the dream job,

To finding our soulmate.

But the truth is,

The results never really up to us.

Again,

We can have desire,

We can put all of our energy in,

But there's a lot of things that we don't see and we don't know.

And Kabbalists are keenly aware of how little control we have,

Right?

We don't control when we are conceived.

We don't control when we were born and we don't control when we die.

So think about that when we talk about control,

We really actually have no control over- The most important things.

Exactly.

It's a fundamental understanding that we all know.

We also have just as little control over the middle as we do the beginning or end because we can create a business and we don't know if it's going to boom.

We can create a child.

We don't know if they're going to thrive,

Right?

Instead of creating stories that give us a false feeling of authority over the many things that are beyond us,

We can focus instead on two things that we can control,

Our thoughts and our actions.

And that's really what it comes down to.

Like the Rav said,

Consciousness is everything.

Absolutely.

So I think that the whole point really of this podcast today,

Right?

With the stories and victimization and all of it,

The two things you can walk away with right now that you actually can control that will actually create a better life for you are your thoughts and actions.

And I like to say immediate actions because I don't want to spend too much time thinking or overthinking anything.

If you have a thought and that feels authentic and it feels healthy and it feels kind to you,

Then go do it.

Right.

And the only thing I would add to that is to be mindful.

And we said this before,

But if we leave you with this idea that we want to be mindful of the story that we're telling ourselves,

Of the story of our lives that we are writing.

And if you take this work seriously,

You will look throughout your day and stop yourself and say,

I'm about to get angry or I'm about to get sad or about to be disappointed by that person.

What is the real reality and what is the perception or the victim reality that I'm creating for myself?

We have the power and we have the responsibility to be writing and thinking the story of our lives in a way that gives us the ability to perceive much more good than bad,

Much more ability to change than to be a victim to powers outside of ourselves.

And we'll be talking to you next week.

Thank you for joining us and let's get excited.

Yes,

And as I often mentioned,

I hope that you enjoyed listening to this podcast as much as we enjoyed recording it.

And I ask that those of you who do enjoy it,

Make sure that you write a review wherever you listen and get your podcasts and make sure that you share this with more and more people because the reason that Monica and I do this is because it really excites us to be able to bring some wisdom,

Some light into other people's lives.

And if you can help us in that.

And we also really just like talking to each other.

That's very true as well.

And please keep writing your questions to monicaandmichaelatcabala.

Com,

Monicaandmichaelatcabala.

Com,

And we will continue to get to as many of them as possible.

We're very both encouraged and inspired by both the questions and those of you who are sharing with us how much this podcast has and does mean to them.

So we're very excited to record this.

I hope you enjoy and are inspired as much as we are in listening to it.

And we look forward to sharing with you again next week.

Thank you.

Bye.

Reviews

Wow. This one has blown my mind. It has resonated on so many levels for me, it has explained ways I’ve thought, felt and reacted in the past, and how Changing my perspective has allowed me to grow in ways I hadn’t recognised til now. It has helped me understand why friends say I’m positive but I feel I’m negative. I’ll definitely be listening to this one again and I truly thank you both for explaining so much (this episode is full of wisdom) and so well the things you have. My words aren’t great so I hope you can understand what I’m trying to convey.

Excellent information! I got several beneficial takeaways and have several people I am going to share it with. Thank you. 🙏🏻

What we should teach children at adolescence along with the Golden Rule...

Powerful message

Love these two and their positive messages about how to approach life! A great talk, thank you 🙏🏻💜

Thank you! I cannot tell you how amazing it was to hear this podcast on this day. I asked the Universe for help, and there you were. There is so much to absorb here- just the lessons and guidance I need. Thank you.