70. How to Never Be Disappointed: Expect Nothing, Appreciate Everything

Disappointments arise when the outcome of a situation doesn’t match our expectations. We often forget that it's all part of the process. Detours, obstacles, and setbacks are important opportunities to learn. We can’t experience fulfillment without them! How do we reconcile the discrepancy between what could have been & what is, what others expect of us & what we expect of ourselves? Tune in as Monica & Michael discuss how to get comfortable with disappointment and find fulfillment in the process

Transcript

Be clear and vocal ahead of time so people can manage their own expectations of you.

It's not your job to not disappoint anybody because you're going to.

Some of the most important blessings in our lives will come from what we learn from the disappointments that we experience.

Welcome to the Spiritually Hungry Podcast,

Episode 70.

70,

That's a big number.

Yep.

Moving on up.

Very excited to be spending this 35 minutes with you.

How many minutes?

35.

Wrong.

How long will it be?

A lot longer than that.

What's the topic today?

So I don't want to disappoint you.

What is the topic?

It's about disappointment.

Oh.

But if you let me introduce this properly.

Actually,

Before the introduction,

You know about the guy who was going to a seminar on disappointment and he got there and it was canceled?

Did you research that?

I researched.

No,

I knew it before.

Do you have any other one?

None that I'm going to repeat here.

The one I told you before.

Okay.

So this week we are going to talk about one emotion and you wouldn't know what that was if Michael didn't spoil that for everyone.

It's the one that arises when an outcome does not match our expectations and the greater the disparity between what we expected and what actually happened,

The greater the emotion.

This one also arises when you think about what might have been and find the reality of what is lacking in comparison.

So again,

I hope you won't be disappointed with today's topic,

But it's an important and necessary one.

And it's particularly relevant now.

Part of all of our,

I think,

Collective experience over the last two years,

There's been lots of disappointment along the way.

Trying to get comfortable here with my boot.

Trying to sit like I normally would.

Just not ready for that yet.

Nope.

No,

He wants to make a few.

So psychoanalyst Manfred Katz defries.

I'm sure I butchered his name.

I apologize.

Sorry Manfred.

What is it?

No,

I said sorry Manfred.

Yeah,

Manfred Katz defries.

Do you want me to look it up?

Nope.

Well,

One of the effects of the COVID pandemic that has largely flown under the radar is the epidemic of disappointment.

Disappointments ranging from missed vacations,

Postponed weddings,

Inability to spend time with new babies or aging relatives,

Missed graduations,

Birthdays and holiday gatherings.

I think also just the inability to have like choice really.

These days,

There's a lot less of that on many levels.

And I'll tell you the beginning of the story and then I'm going to talk about it a little later and finish the end of it.

Well,

You know,

Really tell the two parts.

I am.

I thought just to spice things up today.

So our oldest daughter,

Miriam,

When she was graduating from high school last year,

Classmates organized a makeup senior prom because it was canceled because of COVID.

And so it was unofficial,

But they all went to a friend's house and,

You know,

She got dressed up and,

You know,

She doesn't get super excited about these things anyway.

But she did do her hair and makeup,

She got a dress and she looked amazing.

And then not too long after arriving at the prom,

She starts texting me saying that,

You know,

It's really not what she had anticipated and she's really not having a good time and she's thinking of leaving,

But she doesn't want to be a Debbie Downer and disappoint anybody.

And so I said,

You know,

She started getting a headache.

I think she tied her dress to take her on her neck.

I mean,

She's like not feeling well,

Self-induced headache.

Anyway,

I said,

You're not being a Debbie Downer because you're not actually asking anybody to leave.

You're just removing yourself from a situation that you're not comfortable in,

That you're not having a fun time.

So,

You know,

There's nothing to,

You're not being a buzzkill.

She said it,

She didn't use the word Debbie Downer,

She said buzzkill.

So anyway,

She decided to leave and because she didn't want to disappoint herself.

Right.

And I think that's part of the importance of the conversation we're going to have today.

Far too often we're so afraid of disappointing other people,

Letting them down that we disappoint ourselves often over and over again.

So I'll tell you part two of that story later.

I thought what was interesting also,

As I was thinking about this topic,

I found that one of the most common things that people with depression say is that they feel like they've disappointed everybody in their lives.

Interesting.

Isn't that?

I think it really drives home how deeply we internalize the pain of disappointing other people.

And that brings them to depression or depression causes them to disappoint.

No,

It adds to that feeling.

Like if you go through life and you always feel like you're letting people down,

Including yourself,

By the way.

Right.

And so that feeling of disappointment constantly,

Of course,

That's going to create a sadness.

So it's a difficult feeling,

But it's a universal one.

And I think we've all come to that realization that we don't have to do something we wanted to do or we might not get something we wanted or we might never achieve the one thing we wanted to accomplish the way that we set out to accomplish it.

And it doesn't feel good.

So before we unpack this,

And I'm going to give three tools later in today's segment,

But I want to ask you,

What was the most profound disappointment you've experienced so far in your life?

And don't don't already get to the other side of cheery and happy.

But just the initial feeling,

It doesn't mean you stayed there.

I would say people.

People.

So unpack that.

Unpack that.

No,

People with whom you,

And it's really transformed.

I think we've spoken about one of the podcasts,

Transformed my expectations of relationships with people.

But I'm a very big believer in friendship and a very big believer in loyalty,

Regardless of what happens in the circumstances and in our lives.

And I know I speak for you as well,

But we've had many people who we've given a lot to spend a lot of time with and assisted in many different ways.

And at certain times,

For whatever reasons,

They just were not there.

So I would say probably,

And this is probably true for many people,

That disappointment from people.

You expect a friend or somebody who you trust to be there and then they wind up not being there.

That's probably the first thing that comes to mind.

And be there in the way that you need because they see you.

They're not just there because they want to show you how it's done.

It's interesting because I know with some of the closest relationships I've had and they do something that they know wasn't cool.

Right.

And then they'll ask me,

Well,

I know you're mad at me.

Are you mad at me?

And I think the far worse emotion.

And by the way,

I'm not mad.

I often feel disappointed.

And I wonder,

Because as I was thinking about it while you were speaking,

I wonder if disappointment is that you don't expect a change in the person or the situation.

Explain that.

I don't know.

Like when I feel disappointed,

I'm not like when I'm mad,

That's a better thing because it means that I actually think that things can improve and that there's a conversation to be had.

You have a passionate one and then you express yourself.

When I feel disappointed.

It's close to apathy.

This is the thing.

When I feel disappointed in myself,

It's a motivator for change because I really have a healthy relationship with myself.

When I feel disappointed with people who do the same thing over and over again,

Let's say it's not the healthiest relationships.

That's kind of my like,

Yeah,

I'm not going to invest as much here because it's kind of like,

You know,

This is what it is.

I don't know.

That's interesting.

Maybe that's just more unique about my personality.

I'm not sure that that is something all people feel,

But that certainly,

I mean,

For friends out there,

If you ever hear me say I'm disappointed a few times,

You get concerned.

Yeah,

That's a whole other topic because the reality is I'm thinking just as we relate with our kids.

Right.

Exactly.

We never,

Obviously there are times we're angry,

But much less disappointment.

And that's like,

Look,

We've gotten to the bottom here and something needs to change.

Not even the bottom,

Just that we have certain expectations of what we would hope your behavior would be or.

.

.

I just answered my own question.

Here's the thing.

That's why it's the bottom for me.

For me to get to the place of like disappointment,

It means I've been let down a lot.

That's interesting.

I never get,

That's not like my first emotion to go to.

I'll get upset,

Mad because I want to change it.

Right.

And I want to work on it.

And that's,

That's,

That's,

That emotion helps me actually.

.

.

Interesting.

.

.

.

To change.

But.

.

.

Interesting.

So let's first define disappointment now that we've confused everybody with my experience,

My relationship with this boy.

By the way,

I'm sure it's not unique to me.

I'm sure many others.

So let's understand the ins and outs of this feeling.

Disappointment as defined by my good friend,

Merriam-Webster.

It's unhappiness from the failure.

.

.

Did we ever share,

Just when you said that my good friend Merriam-Webster,

That our youngest,

Abigail,

Who's eight years old.

.

.

It's spam likely.

Scam likely.

Scam likely.

On her phone for whatever reason,

Whenever it's a,

You know,

Sort of a scam call.

.

.

Nobody's calling her.

I mean,

She has a phone for safety purposes here in New York City,

But so when she gets a call and it's not in her favorites,

It's just like the four people that have her number,

Just her family or the five people.

And it's scam.

She's like,

Why does Mr.

Scam keep calling me?

No,

Mr.

Likely.

Mr.

Likely.

Mr.

Scam Likely.

She said scam was first name likely,

Last name.

Yeah.

So Merriam and I go way back.

Yes.

So disappointment is defined as unhappiness from the failure of something hoped for or expected to happen.

Someone or something that fails to satisfy hopes or expectations.

So it's that latter one,

Right?

For me,

When that's repetitive a lot in one relationship,

Then I'm eventually like,

Well,

What am I still doing here if the other person can't hear me?

Right.

That's why it's the bottom for me.

And by bottom,

I mean like the last kind of straw.

I'll always show up for the person,

But the way I show up is probably different.

So immediately we understand that there's two main types of disappointment.

One,

Being disappointed by others or plans that didn't come through,

Right?

Disappointing results.

And the other is disappointing other people or ourselves.

And it's interesting if we look back at this idea and it's a theme for us,

I think,

In our podcast,

The internal versus the external that comes up a lot.

And I think the same thing could be said with disappointment here.

Being disappointed by others or a situation that fell through is external.

And while feeling disappointed in ourselves or feeling like we've let other people down is internal.

And I think that that's why disappointment feels so bad.

It's because it's opposite.

The anticipation feels so good,

Right?

When you're excited about something,

It actually does come through.

And the other thing that I'll let you speak now,

But in terms of science,

Is that when we're excited or we anticipate something,

Our brain releases serotonin and that's the feel good neurotransmitter.

And disappointment in contrast stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system.

A chemical response is triggered resulting in emotions like melancholy,

Inertia,

Hopelessness,

Aggression,

Apathy,

Guilt,

Depression,

Anxiety,

Irritability,

Low self-esteem.

So disappointment literally stops us in our tracks.

Yeah.

So I thought actually there's a Harvard Business Review article a while back that I thought really is a great way just to understand the framing of different types of disappointment and how people deal with them.

So with your permission,

I'll share a little bit from the article.

So what is this?

This is how different types of disappointment and how people deal with them?

It's two things,

Which I think is a very important foundation to.

.

.

Because I think,

Again,

Like we often say,

The purpose of this podcast is not just to inspire people,

But to really hopefully enable all of us to delve more deeply into the important parts of our lives,

The positive,

And sometimes the not so positive,

And understand them better and through that be able to change them.

So I think it's a good framing of how people deal with disappointment.

And then we can hopefully get to the spiritual understanding of the more elevated way to deal with disappointment.

So again,

This is from the Harvard Business Review.

The way we handle disappointment is related to our developmental history.

Ew.

OK,

Honestly,

You have to see my next point.

Our attitudes are shaped by our childhood experiences.

And it goes into the whole thing of how we learn.

OK,

Go ahead,

Stephen.

Should I.

.

.

No,

No,

Steal my thunder,

Why don't you?

Go.

I feel bad.

Now I have so much more to say.

I don't feel bad.

It's good.

It's good you covered something.

Did I disappoint you?

Nope.

Oh,

That's the song,

Right?

Did I disappoint you?

Oh my God,

You're totally taking on my personal.

.

.

Were you gonna sing?

First of all,

I didn't even know that song.

What is that from like.

.

.

You too.

Isn't that true?

OK,

So that's the wrong melody.

Sing again,

Michael.

Did I disappoint you?

I remember you were entertained.

I was entertained.

Now I got the song with.

.

.

You've got bad taste in your mouth.

Yeah,

But it's not like an elevator tune.

I think you just disappointed our listeners.

Oh,

Gosh.

Everybody's gonna go play that song now.

And it sounds nothing like it,

But go ahead,

We got the gist of it.

I think it sounds exactly like it.

All right.

So how we handle this appointment is related to our developmental history,

Our relationship with our parents and other early formative experiences.

Some people seek to avoid disappointment by turning into underachievers.

Oh my God,

I swear to get out of my head.

Avoiding disappointment by being underachievers or overachievers was my next point.

I love it.

It means we're in sync here.

I have plenty more to say.

Oh,

Finally,

After 24 and a half years.

Take it away,

Michael.

They consciously set the bar low and avoid taking risks to prevent themselves or others from being disappointed without realizing that they have decided that the best strategy is not to have high expectations about anything.

Such behavior turns into a form of self-preservation.

You read the same article?

You did?

So you want to read it?

I like listening to your favorite.

However,

It also leads to a mediocre and unfulfilled life.

Ironically,

These people often turn into disappointments for everyone,

Including themselves.

Others following a very different trajectory seek to avoid disappointing by becoming overachievers.

Although they tell themselves that their expectations of perfection are appropriate and realistic,

These presumptions turn out not to be true at all.

The bar is set far too high to ever make whatever they want to achieve attainable.

They forget that perfectionism rarely begets perfection or satisfaction.

Instead,

It too often leads to disappointment.

While it's helpful to know which way we lean,

Our developmental history is not our destiny.

And I think that's where the spiritual aspect can begin to come in.

And one other part to this.

So how do people act or react?

For too many people,

When faced with disappointment,

They tend to attribute negative life events to their personal failings.

They resort to obsessional self-blaming as they feel ashamed or humiliated of not measuring up to the image of their ideal self.

As a result,

They direct their anger inward to themselves.

It may prompt them to say that they deserved it,

That they were not good enough.

Others,

However,

Will turn their anger outward towards others.

To people who didn't fulfill their expectations,

It will contribute to feelings of spite,

Vindictiveness,

And bitterness.

Unfortunately,

Both emotional reactions keep the person stuck in a web of disappointment.

In many instances,

Disappointment can turn into a lingering sadness,

A feeling of loss,

Of being let down,

Or even betrayal.

There's so much there.

Go ahead,

And then I'll go back to my.

.

.

No,

I think it's very important to have this general framework around disappointment,

Because it's something we all experience in great ways and small ways.

And clearly,

Everything in life has a purpose.

So that's where I would begin our spiritual understanding of disappointment.

There's a purpose for every disappointment you ever had,

Be it great or small.

The Kabbalists even go so far as to say that if you put your hand in your pocket and you wanted to take out a quarter,

Instead you took out a dime,

That's not a huge disappointment,

That's not a disappointment.

Even that has a purpose.

So if you begin the understanding or your thought process around any disappointment and that it has a purpose,

Then the next question is,

Okay,

So what's the purpose?

So before getting to the details of understanding that,

I think the general view,

And it's so important that life is not made up of parts,

But rather it is of a whole.

And I want to explain that a little bit because I think it's so important in many ways,

But certainly as we deal with disappointment,

I think in a more elevated way.

And it relates to,

By the way,

The reason we're having this podcast,

Besides some of the questions people sent us in letters,

Is that one of our children this week,

We overheard a phone call,

They were sharing with us,

They were sharing with us a disappointment that they had.

And unsurprising to us,

But maybe surprising to them that,

You know,

This is life.

Life there are times when things go as you want them to go,

And then there are times when you invest time and effort in something this was relating to work,

Who is disappointed?

But the mistake that most of us make as we view our life is that we view every moment as separate from what came before and what will come after.

So when we experience disappointment,

If that's all it is,

Well,

I don't want this in my life.

But if I understand that this disappointment is connected to that amazing feeling I'm going to have three hours from now,

And that that amazing feeling I'm going to have three hours from now is going to be connected to other disappointment that I'll have the hour next to,

Then in some ways,

Some of this we will understand,

Some of this we will never understand,

That is made of one cloth.

It's not,

You can't,

If you excised out the disappointment,

You will necessarily excise out the benefits,

The blessings.

Now which one for which one that maybe we're not smart enough to figure out which disappointment directly correlates to which blessing that I have or had or will have.

But this is a very important fundamental spiritual understanding,

That it is a mistake to look at,

Especially when you often do this in negative things,

But also for positive things,

Where we separate out the continuum of life.

You know,

There's many,

This is taught in many different ways,

We shared a Zen proverb parable some time ago in another podcast,

And this is one that the Kabbalists often use that a person who doesn't know anything about farming and watches a farmer,

And he sees the farmer preparing his land for the planting,

For the seeding,

And he sees him digging up his field,

And they say,

What are you doing,

This was such a beautiful flat field,

Now you're digging holes in your field.

He says,

You'll understand,

You'll understand.

And then he sees him take out bags of seeds,

And he sees him throw them onto the ground,

He doesn't understand why would somebody take something that is his and just throw it into the ground.

And then he sees him cover it up,

Which again makes three times no sense,

Even if you,

Whatever,

You went crazy and started throwing your stuff into the field,

Why would you then cover it up,

You'll never be able to find it,

Right?

And then months go by,

Months go by,

And suddenly he sees that there are,

There's crops growing,

He starts connecting,

Oh that's nice,

So he built this,

So they have a nice field with all these,

And then he sees he cuts down the crops,

And again he's crazy,

What are you doing?

And then,

You know,

Of course,

We can understand how the story continues,

And he takes the wheat or whatever crop he grew,

And eventually it either leads to food or it leads to money,

Something productive,

A blessing.

But if you had stopped any one of those moments and said,

Why are you just ruining such a beautiful,

Flat field,

Why are you throwing the stuff into the ground that's going to be wasted,

Why are you covering it up,

Why are you cutting these beautiful things that grew and so on and so forth,

That's when you don't see the continuum.

And that's one of the biggest sources of disappointment.

When you look at something that somebody just did,

Or you look at something that you just did,

Or you look at something that just happened to you,

And you say,

Why is this happening,

I wish,

Right,

We're technically saying,

We're not technically,

We actually say,

I wish this was not a part of my life,

But if you understand,

Then in ways that you might not see,

You clearly won't see it maybe now,

But you have to have a consciousness of,

This is part of the whole.

And this happening right now is to allow for the greater things to be.

It's just like you said,

If you didn't,

You know,

Cut the field,

The whole process,

Right,

Then you would never get the fruits of that labor.

But if you just look in that moment,

You know,

I'm destroying this,

And this is not how it should be,

And I think it's that things are not aligned with how we envision them to be and how we expect them to be.

You know,

We always think there's no process.

We always think it's not going to take a lot of time.

We always think that we should have the joys along with life.

And yeah,

You have to wait for certain things,

But certainly not the setbacks.

And I think that it's just,

We have to turn it over,

How we view life.

I mean- Absolutely.

This is a relatively revolutionary way to view our lives.

Again- I mean,

A lot of people like this last year and a half for me,

Right,

If we go from your mom passing away,

Then my father passing,

Then I lost a tooth,

Then I needed an implant,

And then my mom had health issues,

Then I ruptured.

I mean,

My leg,

You know,

People are like,

Why,

I mean,

Really,

You've had a really hard year.

And I'm like,

You know,

Maybe,

Not really.

I mean,

It's things I've had to deal with and I've had to grow and stretch,

But I only see it as,

I can't wait to see the fruit,

Right?

I'm already experiencing it.

I'm not feeling disappointed,

But I know all of this is leading up to something greater.

I already feel the expansion.

And that's why,

Just back to one of the questions that you asked me about disappointment that I feel,

I think,

And again,

You know,

We're always in a process and you don't want to,

You know,

But I would say that I can't look back on my life and say that I have real disappointment,

Even though I could take a moment out and say,

Oh,

This person disappointed me,

Then this situation disappointed me.

But in reality,

In reality,

My view,

My true consciousness about my life is the whole of it is all blessed.

And a part of that blessing in ways that maybe in retrospect,

I will understand,

Maybe in the,

I will never understand,

It doesn't matter to me anymore.

I have the clarity of consciousness that my life is a whole and that whole includes the blessings and it includes the disappointments.

So there's two concepts that I think add on to where people get stuck in just being left with disappointment.

And if you paid attention to the people who are enjoying,

Not enjoying life very much as the people who are overwhelmed with disappointment,

Like this is not the life I thought I would have,

Or I'm so disappointed with how things turned out for me.

I mean,

That's really like the beginning of the end.

And it's really sad to hear that and witness that when people are there.

Especially when it's later in life.

Right.

Yeah.

No.

And,

And yeah,

Very,

And I think that's one of the big motivators for,

For why I do what I do.

Right.

Am I really challenging the way that I think and see things as that reality is far scarier than anything that's going to be thrown at me.

That's how I feel.

But there's something called a valley of disappointment.

That's something that James Clear described.

He coined the phrase.

So you set out to go to the gym,

Right?

You have a goal,

You want to lose 20 pounds,

Let's say,

And you're really excited about it.

You're motivated.

And then you start out and the first part of the goal is very hard.

He didn't think it was going to be as difficult.

In your mind,

You thought you're going to go to this exercise class.

You're going to make new friends,

Find a community of enthusiastic cardio people.

And they are grumpy in the morning.

They don't want to talk to you.

And you're just like,

That's not what I expected.

And then you work out and you're sore as anything.

You can't move for days.

And then you have to also stop eating sugar and all kinds of things.

And then you're grumpy.

And then so all of a sudden,

Right,

You're what you had imagined your experience to be.

And now this valley of disappointment,

That's overwhelming.

That's why people really kind of give up on pursuing things.

They stop mid process because they're just so overwhelmed with the disappointment.

We have to understand,

Though,

If you just don't take that part seriously.

Right.

And I think it has to go with adjusting our expectation of what our experience should be in the moment.

Right.

Because we never take in consideration anything further than this moment,

This day.

Tomorrow's a new day.

And I know what that's going to bring.

But in this day,

It's everything.

My mood,

The weather,

The morning traffic,

It's everything.

Right.

And that's how we really get stuck.

The other thing is called arrival fallacy,

Which I really liked as well.

And that is when we're so focused on attaining our goals that we forgo the process.

Yes.

Forget about the process.

Well,

We overextend ourselves and we live with unhappiness every day with the quiet promise that when we arrive to our destination,

It makes all the struggle worthwhile.

And if you're experiencing arrival fallacy,

It's because there is an internal misalignment.

What you thought would bring you positive emotions turned out to be unfulfilling.

So it's like,

You know,

Actually,

Researchers have found this,

That if you're going on vacation,

The trip usually turns out not to be that great.

People got more pleasure out of the planning of it because the planning in your mind,

Right,

Is perfect.

And it's going to be like you arrive at the restaurant when the sun is setting.

And it's better than the actuality of what it is,

Because it's not going to be effortlessly amazing.

Right.

Things come up.

That is life.

Right.

It's interesting.

One other in understanding disappointment that,

You know,

We often think about disappointment as what we wanted to happen didn't happen.

Right.

Or the way we wanted somebody to behave towards us.

But Freud actually has a whole essay in 1916 about people that are wrecked by success,

Where they're so disappointed by their success because and related to arrival fallacy is that they got everything they wanted.

And then with the emotion,

The fulfillment that they thought they were going to get from it.

So actually,

He found,

Again,

In his analysis that so many people are wrecked by success.

So disappointment isn't just from from what we want to happen not happening,

But often also from what we want happening and not experiencing it as we had hoped or thought we would have.

Which again,

I think,

Brings us so much clarity about the necessity of a spiritual view about it.

And,

You know,

There's a famous quote by Alexander Pope.

He said,

Blessed is he who expects nothing,

For he shall never be disappointed.

So what does that mean?

So there's a story,

And I mentioned this great Kabbalah,

One of my favorite ones.

He obviously had a sense of humor,

But it's also very unique in many ways.

His name is Zusha.

And the story goes that he,

There was a wedding in their village in their town.

And the person who saw himself as the most important person in town,

The most,

The leader comes to the wedding.

And he's like,

He comes late.

And he's sat like at the end of the table.

And he sees,

He comes to the wedding and sees this guy Zusha,

Who was a great spiritual person,

But he was not like a great leader.

And he's sitting like right by the bride and groom.

He's being given so much respect.

And he's looking at him,

He's like,

How could that be?

Everybody should know or knows that I am such an important person.

How is it I'm being so mistreated?

I sat all the way at the end of the table.

This guy is Zusha,

Who's a nobody.

He's sitting right next to the bride and groom.

Everybody's all around him and listening to him.

So in the middle of the wedding,

He goes over to Zusha and he says,

Zusha,

I don't understand.

He says,

You and I both know that I'm much more important than you.

And we both come to this wedding in our village.

Everybody should be treating me with so much respect.

I should be sitting at the head of the table.

I should be the one of people coming around.

Instead,

You're sitting there and I'm sitting all the way at the end.

So Zusha said,

He says,

Let me explain to you what happened.

He said,

You received the invitation to the wedding.

And you said,

Ah,

There's a wedding happening in my town.

I'm the most important person in this town.

I will be treated with respect.

So you decided you were going to come very late because everybody should wait for you because you're so important.

But the reality is by the time you got there,

All the seats were taken so they had no other place to put you but at the end of the table.

And because you were already at the end of the table and you came late,

There was no food for you and nobody was paying any attention to you.

He says,

But you see me,

Zusha,

When I got the invitation,

I knew that I didn't deserve to be invited.

I have no expectations.

I'm a nobody.

Of course I shouldn't even be invited.

And I said,

Wow,

But they invited me.

I got to go out of my way to show them how appreciative I am of the invitation.

So I got to the wedding three hours early.

I helped them set up the table.

I helped them make the food.

And then when the time came for the meal,

They said,

Of course,

Sat me right next to them because I helped them so much.

And they,

Of course,

Wanted to treat me with,

Give me back,

I guess,

A little bit because I helped them set up the wedding.

He said,

The big difference is you expected everything and received nothing.

I expected nothing and received everything.

And I think this is where we want,

Hopefully speaking of ourselves,

But our listeners to get to a place where you go through life,

Not with certain expectations,

This will happen or that will happen.

Of course,

You have to make plans in life.

And of course,

We all have plans that we desire.

But at the end of the day,

What do I want?

I want light.

I want blessings.

I want to be happy.

That doesn't come from the fulfillment of my expectations.

It comes from living and making in every moment the choice of either going out of myself,

But living with lowered expectations,

Certainly from other people.

And I think next time,

And we spoke about it earlier,

That every disappoint,

Everything happens in life has a purpose.

So next time you become disappointed,

I would ask the question,

Is this an explanation that I should have had or not?

So I use the example that I said before about friends that disappointed me in the past.

And the challenge is not to give up on friendship,

But to have different expectations for friendship.

So what shifted in my mind,

And this is,

I hope,

Helpful for our listeners in all areas,

When you are disappointed,

The lesson needs to be,

Okay,

So how do my expectations need to change?

So now when I have a relationship with somebody,

I enjoy the moment.

I enjoy,

If I can share,

I share.

If I can receive,

I receive.

I'm enjoying the moment.

If they disappoint me tomorrow,

That doesn't take away from the joy that I had.

Now,

My expectation isn't that because I have given you my friend,

So now five years from now,

You're going to return,

You know,

That long-term expectation,

Certainly as it relates to people,

Is something that we will benefit by diminishing to almost nothing.

It does not mean that you do not invest in the moment.

It does not mean you do not invest in friendships or anything else that is important to you.

But if you can really diminish your long-term expectations from certain areas,

By the way,

There's a whole other group of areas that certainly we should have expectations from.

And maybe we'll talk about how to deal with those.

But I think for so much of our disappointment,

The change that needs to happen is to lower our expectations from that person,

From this situation.

And then you will see you actually enjoy it so much more.

And also,

Relationships change.

I mean,

If you're in the moment and you're enjoying them simply because you're connecting and then if they disappoint you in the future,

You can choose something else.

I think,

Though,

Sometimes things don't work out the way we want because if they did,

We couldn't really handle it.

I think that there is a time for things to come.

And so I think that if we understand that they're great gifts from disappointments and to really retrain our brains to see it like that,

Then we'll be able to connect from when it didn't happen to when it did.

So really what it matters is what you do after you're disappointed.

And I really like this idea.

I don't think that many know this,

But obviously Bill Gates,

Everybody knows he's the fourth wealthiest person in the world.

If not for a few disappointing business ideas early in his career.

So he entered the entrepreneurial scene in the 1970s with a company called Traf-O-Data.

Did you know this?

Which aimed to process and analyze the data from traffic tapes.

The product barely even worked.

It was so it was like a complete disaster.

But a few years later,

He created his first Microsoft product and everybody knows the story from there.

And it's a great example of how our disappointments can really be the very best thing that happened to us.

And if you take that seriously,

That's the problem.

Had he actually taken that setback,

Right,

Or that rejection,

That failure as everything,

Then would he have gone on to create Microsoft?

And worse than that,

And this is something we might have mentioned before,

Had he been successful in that company,

He probably would never have become the Bill Gates that we know as successful.

And that's why.

.

.

You never know why things don't happen.

And that's why the humility of our understanding of the process.

What I can say for myself,

And hopefully our listeners will use this,

Is really the inner thought or the inner dialogue should be after every disappointment,

Two things.

Is this something for me to change and or learn from?

And second,

This disappointment has a purpose that I might or might not be able to understand now or ever.

And if you're really able,

And again,

This takes practice,

But if you're able to practice,

Those are.

.

.

Again,

We talked about tools that our listeners can use.

These are two that I often use.

Again,

First,

Every disappointment has a purpose.

What am I to learn,

Change from?

And second,

Every disappointment has a purpose.

And I might not see.

.

.

Didn't you say that?

Yes.

Because it's what they both do.

We're not paying attention.

I was.

Every disappointment has a purpose,

Which means that in ways that I might never understand or I might in the future understand,

This disappointment was necessary.

This is quote from Kabbos Rav Aslaug.

And he said,

We cannot fail without rising again,

Which teaches us that falling has within it the seed of rising.

With every perceived fall or disappointment contains the potential to succeed.

So we just have to see it as the creator offering us a ladder to climb to our next level.

And that's really how I viewed what he's saying.

That's the lecture I gave this past Saturday.

Well,

Not everybody heard your lecture.

That's how we have to view everything that occurs.

So I'm going to give you my three tools.

The first is.

.

.

Don't repeat.

Oh,

I won't repeat myself or you.

First is have fewer expectations of other people.

If you don't appoint,

You won't be disappointed.

One of my favorite quotes.

And we have a tendency.

.

.

Sorry,

I just wanted to cut you off.

But that is so important.

What you just said.

But you did.

Because that is so important.

I want to take.

.

.

And I really hope that our listeners take the time,

Maybe now pausing the podcast or afterwards,

To really ask.

.

.

Think about the disappointments.

And think about whether you should have had those expectations to begin with.

So as I was saying,

We have a tendency in our culture to treat friendships and partners like a commodity or an investment.

And people don't want to admit that because it doesn't sound very appealing.

We put something in with the expectation that we're going to get something out.

That's everything we put energy into.

Even children,

Right?

When we don't get what we expected,

The disappointment we feel feels personal.

So we blame other people for our unhappiness.

The only healthy expectation in any relationship to have is to be heard,

Respected,

And to have human dignity.

All of the other stuff you could really pretty much throw away.

And I think that's the antidote for dealing with disappointment.

Because often we assign other people in our lives to be our saviors,

To be our fixers,

To be our everything.

Of course you're going to be disappointed.

And that's why when I meet with students or people,

I'm always like,

Do not put me on a pedestal,

Do not put me somewhere else so that I will fall.

And then what are you going to do with your disappointment?

You're going to have to discard me.

And it's such a waste of a relationship or a connection.

So I think that's a mistake a lot of people make.

You're either in this box or you're in that box.

Yes.

I'm raising my hand.

I will call it.

Yes,

Michael.

Again,

Very,

Very important point.

And the only thing I would add to that,

Which I think is what you're saying as well,

Is that if I think about my life and the people that I have expectations from,

The reality is I certainly have expectations from you.

And then it's diminishing amount from everybody else.

And even some of my close friends,

I have almost zero expectations from.

That's the work that you want to do.

You really want to say,

OK,

I have to say,

As my wife,

I certainly have expectations.

I'm assuming as your husband,

You have expectations of me.

And there are certain people in your life,

The closest,

Most important people that you hope to be able to depend on that you have real expectations from.

I think the biggest issue is that we have so many expectations from so many other people that are not right,

True or necessary.

So I'll give you an example,

Because even in marriages,

Right?

I mean,

Yes,

I think you and I have healthy expectations of one another.

And you don't want me to interrupt you.

And we make them clear and we respect each other enough to be able to navigate that well.

But let me give you an example.

I would say that a woman is a stay at home mom and she had been dealing with the kids all day in her mind.

She's been doing the heavy lifting.

Her teenage son gives her a hard time.

She reacts.

She doesn't feel good about it.

And her expectation is as soon as her husband walks in the door from work,

That he's going to take over.

Right.

Not taking consideration that he's at his own day.

Right.

Maybe he had a fight with his boss or maybe who knows what the situation was.

So she's not expecting him to be,

You know,

Her partner.

She's expecting to be a superhero.

Right.

To come in and save the day.

So I think part of being able to,

Besides what we've said until now about being able to see what disappointment and the real gift in it is to first stop and say,

OK,

Where are your expectations and are they fair,

Accurate,

Helpful,

Necessary?

And often they're not right.

The second step is to be flexible when plans change.

We think we know what's best,

What's right,

What should happen.

And when our plans fall apart and the situation shifts,

You know,

We really get.

And I think that was the conversation we had with our child this week.

You know,

We feel overwhelmingly disappointed or frustrated or sad.

We're uncertain about what our future will be.

And so I think that we want to learn that we want to see that everything that happens to us is actually happening for us.

And that's a big shift.

Right.

It's a shift in consciousness.

As I mentioned twice,

Nothing is coincidental.

And the third step is get comfortable with disappointing other people because the alternative is disappointing yourself.

And this one I feel very passionately about.

Not always.

Right.

Let me finish.

So as I said,

I was going to finish the story that I saw about.

Yes.

You forgot all about it.

No,

I was worried.

OK,

So here's part two of Miriam's prom.

So about half hour after going home,

Miriam was feeling so much better.

She loosened the dress she tied to tie around her neck.

And she received a text from her friend who was at the party also,

Who was lamenting with her about how bad the party was and that she was having a good time either.

So she texted Miriam and she said,

Where are you?

And Miriam writes back home.

And this is like 10 o'clock,

By the way.

I should preface that.

I was so happy.

And I know you were happy for different reasons.

I was just really proud of her.

And her friend wrote back,

You're an icon.

Right.

Because what 18 year old forget it.

I can speak for myself.

You know,

Any parties I've stayed at for so long or different functions because they don't want to disappoint somebody.

And at 18,

She's getting this right that she rather not disappoint herself.

And sometimes it's OK just to remove yourself from the situation.

I've gotten quite good at the Irish goodbye myself.

I show up above and beyond.

But I know when if I if I do anything more that I'm going to I will not feel good in myself on the flip side of the coin.

There's countless situations in life where what we do or don't do generally has the power to disappoint other people.

Right.

So I think it's about being responsible with what you pull yourself in or out of something like prom where it's supposed to be for your pleasure and you're not having fun.

I think remove yourself.

And I think there's a really easy way to do this because,

Again,

We feel really awful when we disappoint people.

It doesn't feel good,

Especially if they're very vocal about it.

But we also feel awful if we overextend ourselves.

Right.

So where do you find the balance?

Because both beliefs are equally held and they contradict each other.

So what I have found is that I'm super clear now with people ahead of time if they have an expectation of me.

So I'll say what I can or cannot do.

I won't leave it big.

I won't let it be ambiguous so that I manage their expectations early on.

And I'm clear about what I can do or cannot do.

It took me years and years to be able to do that.

And I remember about eight years ago when we moved to New York,

You know,

I always hosted Thanksgiving in California.

And you know,

That's coming up in our minds.

It's often great,

Often in actuality.

Some of us feel disappointed about different exchanges.

Anyway,

It was the first time we had moved here.

And the expectation was that I would host Thanksgiving,

Even though we decided to go back that first year and be with who we had celebrated with before.

And people came to like,

Well,

Why aren't you putting it on this year?

Why aren't you going to cook everything and organize it and plan everything?

And I said,

I don't live here anymore and I also don't have a home here.

So what am I going to host exactly?

And they're like,

Are you doing this on purpose?

Why wouldn't you do it?

I mean,

It was shocking for me.

Right.

And I remember that moment.

I thought,

Wow,

People will have many,

Many expectations of you throughout your life.

And if your fear,

Your worry is,

Oh,

You can't disappoint anybody,

You will disappoint yourself.

If I had shown up and done what was asked of me,

I would have felt so badly about myself because it wasn't right and it wasn't right for me.

Right.

So I think it's about really those two things,

Knowing what the ask is,

Making sure you're OK with the ask.

Where is it coming from?

Does it feel right to you?

And be clear and vocal ahead of time so people can manage their own expectations of you.

It's not your job to not disappoint anybody because you're going to.

So that was my third tool.

So in conclusion.

So I would say if there's one thought that our listeners take away is the understanding that,

As I mentioned before,

Disappointment has a purpose.

And whether it's that you should not have had those expectations,

Whether it's the fact that it's life as a whole has its blessings and it must have its disappointments in order to allow for those blessings,

Or it's that there are ways that I'm being transformed by these disappointments change in positive ways.

But none of that can happen.

No growth,

Transformation,

Elevation,

Blessing can come from disappointment if you don't take the time to really think about it.

Think about past disappointments.

Think about current disappointments because some of the most important blessings in our lives will come from what we learn from the disappointments that we experience.

Yes.

And I would sum it up with ongoing disappointments are a signpost that's something to shift internally.

Our desires,

Our expectations,

Or maybe our beliefs.

And we don't necessarily need to give up on the thing we want,

But rather rethink why we want what we want and what our approach to getting it has been.

Nice.

So we will not have time to read a letter this week.

But yes.

I'm so disappointed.

Yes,

That's,

I think that's the reason we can't.

There's must be a little bit of disappointment in this episode.

But please do continue to send your questions and comments and stories because actually the story I was going to share today,

Which I will share next podcast is very,

Very long and I want to give it its time.

So please continue to send your questions,

Comments,

Stories,

Inspirations to Monica and Michael at cabala.

Com.

We read them,

We are inspired by them and often they inspire our listeners as well.

So please do continue to send them.

What Apple podcasts give five star reviews,

Writer view,

Share the podcast with all of your friends and family,

Especially over the Thanksgiving holiday.

Plus we record this podcast to inspire our listeners and hopefully you can inspire others with it as well.

And as always,

I hope you enjoyed listening to this podcast and we're not disappointed as much as we enjoyed recording it.

I am not disappointed at all.

Stay spiritually hungry.

Bye.

Reviews

Loved the teaching but also the realization Monica shared you will disappoint others, it’s impossible not to disappoint someone in life.

First time listening to you, really love your repertoire and style, thanks so much for all the advice ❤❤❤

I really needed this perspective on disappointment. Love you guys!!