5. Don't Say That – The Great Power Of Our Words

Words have the power to build or destroy. This exciting conversation with Monica and Michael gives all of us a lot to consider as we put our own words under the microscope. Listen while they discuss the impact our words have on ourselves and others.

Transcript

What part of yourself are you feeding when you're on the phone with a friend and speaking negatively about somebody else?

You're feeding the part of you that you don't want to be feeding.

That darker part of us,

The part that really brings us down.

The negative talk actually first begins with negative self-talk.

It basically is self-sabotage in its greatest form.

It stops us from living the life we want.

It stops us from pursuing our dreams,

Our passions.

And in fact,

We usually end up living somebody else's idea of what life we should have because we don't even take ourselves seriously enough to actually manifest it.

All of that negative speech creates a negative energy in our world.

And at least we can begin with making sure that I am not part of that.

I think before we speak,

We just have to make sure that it's what we want to put out in the world.

If your words don't support what you intend to put out in the world,

Then don't say them.

Hi,

Welcome to Spiritually Hungry,

Episode 5.

We are actually recording this for the second time because our microphone or some kind of technical thing failed us.

So this is what I love about us as a couple and individually as well.

We were disappointed for about two to five minutes maybe.

And then we both just came to it because we're like,

Okay,

Whatever,

That this is a really important topic that we're going to discuss today.

It's about gossip and evil speech,

Negative speech,

And the effect that it has on our lives and others.

So I guess we needed the practice in practicing this amazing concept.

So I love this quote.

It's from Psalms.

It says,

Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking negatively.

Refrain from evil and do good.

Seek peace and pursue it.

Now,

Usually I leave the scary topics and ideas and teachings to my husband to share.

But evil speech really affects us more than I think we realize or acknowledge.

So I think I'm going to scare you a little bit as well.

The Kabbalists teach that when we leave this world,

All the things that we have said are repeated back to us.

Take a moment and let that sink in.

Every single word you have uttered is repeated back.

Upon this recitation and probably with great shock,

We finally will understand the power of our words.

But unfortunately,

We tend to come to this understanding and realization when it's too late.

Because even the most innocuous phrases can cause damage.

Personally,

I know I feel like I'm forever correcting friends when they say things like I could have died,

It was so embarrassing,

Or this is killing me.

I mean,

I certainly used to speak like that as well.

This kind of speech,

Even though it seems innocent,

It could not be more pernicious.

This is why most people speak,

This is how they speak without ever noticing.

They say things like she's so completely self-involved,

Or I'm so angry at him I could just strangle him,

Or they just bought a new car but they're three months behind on their light bill.

You're getting the point.

And if you're human,

These things I've just said probably really piqued your interest.

And everything in your body is probably screaming out saying,

I want to hear more.

It's normal.

Right,

Michael?

Yes,

Like Monica said,

This is a topic which obviously,

You know,

Cabalistically we always say that when there are challenges,

It's an indication that the light or the benefit that you're trying to reveal are great.

So as Monica mentioned,

We recorded an hour for this podcast.

The audio did not work.

I take full responsibility.

I am responsible for the technical recording of this.

But as Monica said,

After a minute or two of realizing that we had to re-record this topic,

This podcast,

It became clear that there really is so much light,

So much goodness that needs to be revealed through this podcast that it was necessary to do that extra work and record it for a second time.

So I'd like to start with a section from the Zohar.

The Zohar is a 2000 year old document which holds within it really the secrets of our universe and it is the foundational text of Kabbalah.

So in the Zohar,

In speaking about the effect that one has when speaking what is called lashon hara or negative speech,

It says the following,

Come and behold,

The Holy One,

Blessed be He,

Grants pardons for all the negative actions of the world,

Save for the negative tongue.

For the man who speaks negative of another,

That is that he speaks evil of his friend,

Cannot be cleansed.

Now that is a very scary statement that the Zohar says,

That of all the negative actions that one can do,

Speaking negatively about somebody else is one that is very hard to fix,

It's very hard to cleanse ourselves from.

And I'll read one more section from the Zohar.

Rabbi Chia said,

If someone spreads a negative name,

Meaning he spreads negative speech about a friend,

All of his limbs become defiled and he should be shut out,

Which means he should not be amongst people.

What this means is a concept that I think is maybe at the core of why even those of us who understand that it's not good to speak negatively about others always fall to this.

If I ask you,

What is worse,

To go over to your friend and slap him in the face or to sit down at lunch and say something disparaging about him to another friend?

I'm assuming most of us,

Whether we admit it or not,

Logically,

Rationally we would say,

Of course going up to your friend and slapping them in the face is worse than saying a snide remark at a lunch with a friend about him.

But the Zohar says no.

The Zohar says that our mouth is so powerful,

That our words are so powerful,

That the negative impact of negative speech is worse than almost anything that we can do.

And I want to take a moment for us to really at least begin to take this reality in.

Because again,

You ask most of us,

What's a word,

What's speech?

It's nothing.

You open your mouth,

Sounds come out,

They disappear.

If you write something,

That remains.

If you make a mark,

It remains.

But words,

Words don't have any continuity.

Once they're out,

They're gone.

And because of that,

I think we allow ourselves,

Again,

I think most of us,

And I include myself unfortunately in this,

We have spoken negatively about other people.

I can't remember the last time I slapped somebody in the face.

I actually can't remember.

Have you ever slapped somebody?

I don't think I've ever slapped anybody in the face.

Wait,

Who are you?

But I have spoken negatively about other people.

Now,

Why again,

Do we allow that?

Why are you laughing?

Monica's laughing.

That was really funny.

The last time you slapped somebody?

Okay.

But the reason why,

Even those of us who are listening who might have at one point slapped or hit somebody,

Again,

We do not appreciate neither the power or the negative effect that negative speech has on me.

And again,

Capitalistically,

You know,

It's good to be moral.

It's good to be spiritual.

It's good to be a good person.

But at the end of the day,

One of the most powerful motivators is our own self-interest.

And this is where I'd like us to begin our journey into understanding negative speech.

Words are energy.

This podcast that you're listening to right now,

That Monica and I are recording,

These words are now saved probably forever in their digital form.

You'll be listening to them.

People all over the world are going to be hearing them.

They remain.

There are so many speeches in human history that remain.

So it is not beyond logic.

You don't have to be too spiritual to accept the fact that words,

Their vibration,

Has an energy.

And if you take that step and you understand that what comes out of my mouth,

The words,

Are a real energy,

A real force that remains,

Then when I am speaking negatively,

I am spewing forth,

I am awakening,

I am creating negative energy.

And the Zora is telling us here that after you finish that lunch session where you spoke negatively about a friend,

Don't think that all that was left at the table.

As a matter of fact,

Every negative word that you spoke is now attached to you.

It is negative energy that you have created that has now attached itself to you.

And I'd like us to take a moment to just envision maybe the last time that we spoke negatively and close our eyes and see what was happening.

What was happening is that this dark matter,

This dark energy came out of my mouth and now remains with me.

This is why,

By the way,

You will find so many people who spend so much of their lives speaking negatively about other people,

They don't seem to be very happy with their lives.

And the reason,

Very likely,

Is the fact that they have created such a cloud of negativity that surrounds them by consistently speaking negatively about other people,

That they now block any type of enjoyment,

Light,

Blessing,

Fulfillment that they can receive.

But also,

We've all been around people like that,

And you feel that their energy is heavy,

Or you don't know why,

But you don't like to be around them,

Or you feel drained after.

It's because they've actually created this cloud of heaviness that follows them and actually probably comes out in everything they say.

Even if they're not speaking negatively in that moment,

It's just now an energy that consumes them.

Absolutely.

And even if you sit there and don't say a word and just listen to it,

That wave of darkness has now attached itself to you.

And I think,

Again- That's really scary.

Well,

When we speak about evil speech,

There's different ways,

Right?

Because you have the person speaking it.

But also,

I don't think people really think of it this way.

A person who's about to share something,

They need to have somebody who's going to receive that information.

So actually,

The person that is listening is also participating actively in evil speech.

They're just as responsible.

Yeah,

As a matter of fact.

And that's why the Kabbalists say that both the speaker and the listener are equally damaged by that negative speech.

And one of the things I know you often say is that when somebody,

A friend,

You heard somebody speak something negative about you,

About me,

About anybody,

The question you often ask isn't so much,

Why did that person speak?

Although that's an interesting question.

But why did they feel comfortable telling you?

Exactly.

Exactly.

And we realize that both as the speaker and as the listener,

The damage that I do to myself is almost equal.

And I think that,

And again,

For me,

I think if we are to motivate ourselves to begin diminishing negative speech,

It must truly begin with an acceptance of this reality.

When I speak negative,

I am creating negative energy.

That negative energy remains,

Will remain with me,

Will remain with the person who's listening to me.

So how silly is it of me?

Forget about any damage I do to the person we're speaking about.

But how stupid of me to want to create that negative energy around me.

I think also people who are not the ones speaking but are listening find it,

Even if they don't want to hear it,

Let's give the benefit of the doubt.

Let's say that they have a friend and they don't really want to hear what they're saying,

But they feel like it would be rude to tell them,

Listen,

You're gossiping.

I don't want to really participate because they don't want to ruin the friendship.

I know that I had the best friend for over 20 years and there was a falling out,

Which is a whole nother discussion.

I'm sure we'll get into it in one of our podcasts.

But we didn't speak for about eight months.

And then I decided that we could try a different friendship again,

Different,

Not to how close we were and how much time we spent,

But just to reintroduce it.

And I remember in those first few times we started to meet for like a drink or for a cup of coffee,

It would go right into gossip.

And I think that very much of our friendship had consisted of that,

If I'm honest,

But because I had had this space from her and I had changed fundamentally in those eight months.

Again,

Another story,

But I remember I came to you,

I don't know if you remember this conversation,

And I said,

I don't know how to tell her this.

I don't want to talk about things or people.

I want to talk about ideas and passion and interests,

But I don't know how to tell her because I know she'll take it personally.

She's going to think I'm saying something negative about who she is because she still enjoys this kind of conversation.

And I decided that I'd give it a go because it was either that or I couldn't even try to be with her or have conversation with her.

And I did tell her,

I said,

I really want to continue starting our friendship again,

But I want it to be elevated if we're going to continue.

And she didn't really like that too much,

But I'm still happy I did.

How did it end?

She felt uncomfortable.

And I said it,

I don't want to change you.

And I'm not even saying anything about you.

I'm just saying I'm not comfortable participating in that kind of conversation.

And I don't think we need to.

Yeah,

I think our friendship kind of fizzled out from there.

Yeah,

I mean,

A lot of damage had already been done,

But it just became really clear that we were just on kind of different paths at that point.

But as you said that,

I realized another,

Again,

Those of us who need either word proof or understanding that there's an energy in speech,

We all have been in that moment when your friend says you're not going to believe.

Right.

Or did you hear what happened?

Exactly.

And if we're honest with ourselves,

We feel,

The word is excitement,

We get energy out of that negative speech often.

So there,

You don't have to be too evolved to understand that there's energy being created.

Unfortunately,

In this case,

When you're involved in speaking negatively about other people for no real purpose except for spreading the gossip,

Then you are stuck with that negative energy.

And I think that's,

Again,

Hopefully,

Like,

You know,

There's the famous book,

Fear is not an Option.

But this is one place I think where we do want to awaken this fear.

Next time you're at lunch or you're on the phone with a friend and you either feel the desire to start sharing gossip or something negative about somebody else or even about yourself,

Ask yourself the question,

Is it worth the energy that I'm going to create that's going to stay with me?

Right.

It doesn't end at the end of this conversation.

It doesn't end at the end of lunch.

Do I really want to awaken and hold on to,

Because I will,

To the negative energy that is about to be created?

And I think it might also help people stop this behavior in realizing that this is absolutely connected to our egos when we converse in this way,

Because the person sharing the information,

Usually it's like,

I'm important and significant.

I know something you don't know.

I'm going to share it with you.

Look how powerful I am.

And it feeds our ego.

It makes us feel like we are significant.

And I think that's part of why we keep it good.

Even like,

Why do we do things that are bad for us?

Why do we participate in things that aren't good?

We know we shouldn't eat this.

We eat it anyway.

Why do we eat it,

But we have two pieces of the cake instead of one?

Because I already had one and I feel bad about that.

Or there's all kinds of knowing versus doing behavior going on.

We know we should do something,

But we do something else.

It's the same thing with evil speech.

Right.

And two important points that came to mind as you were speaking.

First,

The idea of addiction.

The reality is,

What is an addiction?

Addiction is something that you probably almost certainly know you shouldn't do.

You keep doing it.

But you feel you need to.

Or you just fault it.

You even try to overcome it.

Recently,

I was listening to an interview with a very famous person who was still smoking almost 60 years old.

And he was very clear about the fact- I was smoking for 40 years at this point.

And very clear that this is probably going to lead to cancer and worse.

But he just couldn't control it.

And I think if we realize that we are addicted to the negative energy that is created through negative speech.

But I want to say something else,

Which you really,

I don't think I've ever thought about in this way up until now when you were speaking.

You know,

In one of the previous podcasts,

You mentioned that idea that whatever parts of ourselves that we feed,

Those are the parts that grow.

Right.

We have two.

We can divide any human being into two parts.

That's what we call the soul and the body.

Consciousness,

Right?

The soul is the part that wants to be good.

The soul is the part that wants to share,

That wants to bring good to ourselves and to others.

The body,

We call it,

Or the ego,

What we call the desire to receive for the self alone.

That consciousness wants to divide,

Wants to hurt,

Wants to do negative things.

Right?

So we all have that duality within us.

And the question,

The simple question is,

What part of yourself are you feeding when you're on the phone with a friend and speaking negatively about somebody else?

Well,

I think the answer is obvious.

You're feeding the part of you that you don't want to be feeding,

That you don't want to be making stronger.

That darker part of us,

The part that really brings us down.

So another reason why I think it's so important for us to really refrain,

Or at least actively become more strong in refraining from negative speech about others,

Or even about ourselves,

As we said,

Is the fact that clearly the part of us that we are feeding with the negative energy of negative speech is not the good part of us,

Not the soul part of us,

Is not the part of us that wants to grow and to change and to do good.

And I just want to add,

Because as you were speaking,

I had this thought.

The negative talk actually first begins with negative self-talk.

And I think really what happens is that people have this dialogue with themselves throughout the day where they say,

You know,

You're so stupid,

Or you're not good enough,

Or you're fat.

Right?

This is what they're saying to themselves.

And then if I can say something,

I know when to cut you off.

I know that what you're saying is absolutely true,

Because I've heard it from many people.

I have to just personally,

I don't do that that often.

And it doesn't.

.

.

No,

But you're not normal in that way.

You're like an anomaly.

No,

I'm sorry.

I don't know what it is about you.

Honestly,

I think that's why,

Because when we came together,

I had anorexia.

I think you really helped me heal because you're so healthy with the relationship you have with yourself.

And you always have been,

But it's not typical.

I do think if I.

.

.

Again,

Not to toot my own horn,

But I think.

.

.

Well,

I'm tooting your horn.

Okay,

Yeah.

No,

I think it's about the spiritual work.

Again,

None of us are perfect,

And we all have work to do.

I think,

Again,

We're going to get kind of slightly off topic here,

But I think that when the spiritual growth,

Right,

The internal desire for growth is what drives you,

It probably creates a healthier inner dialogue.

Yes,

Because your priorities are very clear and your goal is singular.

Right.

Right?

And that's just growth and improvement,

Which is very healthy.

And I'm just saying I came from the exact opposite,

And I found spirituality or rediscovered it when I was 17 through studying Kabbalah.

So I know the dialogue that people have.

Absolutely.

I was very much there,

And I know what this healthier dialogue is now.

But I want to hear.

.

.

I think it's important to.

.

.

Well,

Let me inform you,

Michael,

Then,

Since you never had this experience.

I actually do recall a few times when I actively spoke negative,

I don't know if the word is negative,

But sort of down on myself,

And I think it was proper at that time.

I do think.

.

.

Did you remember three times now in your entire life?

You felt like you were having three?

Yes,

Yes.

When I did something or said.

.

.

And they were so rare listeners that he remembers all three of them.

Most people have like 30 in a day.

They couldn't even recall.

.

.

They'll tell you the themes at this point because they're consistently the same.

I know that's true.

I know that's true.

That's why I.

.

.

That's why I.

.

.

All right.

So negative self-talk,

Which is also known as the inner critic,

Comes in many,

Many forms,

But it also creates tremendous stress for us individually.

It affects our body,

Our minds,

And our life,

And also our loved ones,

Because it's not fun to be around somebody who's constantly not feeling good about themselves.

And also the inner critic is,

Again,

That voice that says,

I can't do anything right.

I'm not good.

I can't even try.

It basically is self-sabotage in its greatest form.

It stops us from living the life we want.

It stops us from pursuing our dreams,

Our passions.

And in fact,

We usually end up living somebody else's idea of what life we should have because we don't even take ourselves seriously enough to actually manifest it.

So what I'm saying with this is that when you're in this space daily,

It gets very toxic and uncomfortable,

And then you need to now put this on somebody else,

And you start talking negatively about them.

It gives you kind of a break from yourself.

And you can tell a lot about somebody by how they speak about other people,

Because that's their narrative,

Right?

That's the dialogue that they have.

That's really what they are elevating day to day.

These are the thoughts.

These are the ideas in their head.

So I pay really close attention to how people speak and what they share.

Absolutely.

I don't want to give a short trip to this idea because I know how much damage and how pervasive this reality is for so many people,

Right?

That they are in every given day having a negative inner dialogue.

And I think it's such an important point.

I really don't want to gloss over it.

It's such an important point because unless you begin there,

I don't think you can really not speak negative about other people.

Because it's just your dialogue.

So how did you begin or continue the process of really diminishing that type of inner negative dialogue?

Well,

It's interesting.

I got this question earlier today,

Actually,

Because we were talking about change in the world and what was the percentage?

I think 80%,

Even 90% of Americans today with everything going on in the world with COVID and with George Floyd's death,

People want change.

They're optimistic about change.

But 12% of the world is skeptical about how that change can ever come about.

And I was thinking about it.

Why?

There's many reasons.

But I think at its core,

If a person doesn't think they can fundamentally change their reality in their home,

In their living room,

Then change outside for much bigger issues seems almost impossible.

So the first step is really first hearing that inner critic.

It's the loud,

Mean,

Unkind voice that tells you all kinds of bad things about yourself.

Which by the way,

You can never be a friend to yourself if that's what you're engaging in.

And instead,

You say the opposite,

Even if you don't believe it right away.

So if you constantly,

When you look in the mirror,

And let's say you ate healthy all day and you worked out,

And then you look in the mirror after feeling good until you look in the mirror,

And suddenly now you say,

Wow,

I'm disgusting,

Or I don't like the way this looks,

Or that looks.

You stop and say,

I appreciate my body.

I appreciate that it shows up for me every single day.

That I'm able to live a life that's healthy and pursue the things that I want to do or choose to do.

Right?

It just starts with making the positive a lot louder until that negative voice becomes inaudible at some point.

Interesting.

How long did it take you?

Do you know?

Um.

Again,

None of those are perfect,

Right?

But that process from the beginning.

Well,

Perfect is a bad word.

Yes,

Yes.

It started,

I mean,

Mine was dire,

Right?

It was either die from starving myself or just really make this change happen.

And I think that the more that I started to be kind to myself in the way that I spoke to myself and the things that I thought,

Then I felt more comfortable.

And then I started to be brave enough to actually speak up a little bit and then manifest things that I wanted.

So it's a process,

But the more I did it,

The happier I became.

And then the more addictive that kind of behavior came.

Because the thing is we can create habits.

It takes 40 days to create a habit,

Right?

So if somebody committed,

For instance,

To only say kind things about themselves and others for 40 days,

Well,

Boom,

Your life's going to look very different 40 days from now.

Right,

Right.

And you know,

One of the ideas that I think is so important for us to realize,

Because,

You know,

I always like to,

Of course,

The spiritual study is very important,

But when science backs it up,

We all have heard that if you repeat a lie,

Often enough people will begin to see it as truth.

And there was actually,

There's actually a scientific concept called the illusory truth effect.

And it was,

It was a study,

Two studies,

One done in Villanova University and one in Temple University in 1977.

And it's fascinating study.

But the bottom line of the study was this,

That we are more likely to believe what we hear more often,

Even if it's not true,

Than a truth that is not often repeated.

And that's just the way our brain works.

We can talk to the scientists about why that is the effect,

But the bottom line is that the study has shown,

So scientifically proven,

And in 1989,

I believe there was another university study that found the same results,

That we are genetically DNA set up in such a way that when we hear a falsehood twice,

Three times,

We believe it as a truth.

We will not believe a truth if it is not repeated to us.

So what is- Well,

Hitler comes to mind.

I mean,

We've seen this in history,

Right?

I mean,

Politics,

Right.

But once you understand that,

Right?

So one of the things that I- But that's why it's so important to make sure you filter what comes to you.

Exactly.

What you say,

What you say to yourself,

What you say to others.

And what you hear.

And what you hear,

Of course.

But the reality,

I think so many of us would like to think that we're rational thinkers and deciders,

But the reality is that we're not.

And this is just one more indication of the illusion of our mind.

We believe that what we believe to be true is true.

When in reality,

Science tells us,

Studies have shown that we are prone to believe falsehoods when they're repeated enough.

And to your point,

When an individual has negative dialogue in their head- Which by the way,

Usually comes from what their parents said or told them,

Right?

So imagine the child hears something negative about themselves,

Which is untrue,

Let's say,

Over and over and over again for years and years and years.

Well,

It becomes clear why they believe the things they believe even if they are false.

Right.

And that's why,

Again,

It's so important to really work on,

Do what we can to diminish or shut down if we can any type of negative inner talk.

And then it also connects to another point,

Which is that the damage we spoke until now about the energy that we create,

The negative energy that we create when we speak negatively about other people,

It's not worth it.

It's too much negative energy for us to want to have in our lives.

But the other side is also the fact that on a very practical level,

When you're sharing something negative about somebody else,

Even if it's not true,

Especially if it's not true,

You have now made your friend that you're speaking to have a different view and relationship to that other person you're speaking of,

Even if it's not true.

And now they won't even have a conscious awareness of why they have a negative thought about this person.

I'll share with you that- You basically changed their perception.

Right.

Because now they are now more inclined to see that person negatively,

And they'll even forget that the reason is because they had a lunch with you two days ago,

And you said this nasty thing about their friend.

Now,

When you realize that,

You realize that the damage that you're doing,

That the person won't even remember.

I'll give you an example.

A few months ago,

I was talking to somebody,

And we're talking about a friend of ours,

Somebody who we both love.

And this person I was talking to in the conversation mentioned in a joke this slightly,

You can call it annoying,

Slightly interesting habit that this friend of ours has.

By the way,

Just human nature,

Right now my brain's like,

Who is he talking about?

Who could it be?

I'm trying to figure it out.

Right?

I've never heard anything like this that I could be talking to.

Right.

Don't tell me.

Right.

Don't tell me what it is.

I won't tell you.

I won't tell you.

But I notice now very often when I see this friend of ours,

Whom was spoken,

That one of the first thoughts that I have is this snide remark that was made by our friend.

And I know that it's not true.

And I know that our friend,

In talking to me about him,

Also,

It was just a joke,

But it became implanted in my mind.

Now hopefully,

You know,

If I can be more aware of it and really push it aside,

But this is what happens.

It is so damaging in ways that we can't even appreciate unless we really take the time to understand it.

And I think that's why the studies are so important,

Because that's telling you how your brain works and how your friend's brain works,

And who wants to be responsible for damage done to somebody else's relationship or somebody else's friendship by making a snide remark or just even telling a joke.

It's interesting because I think often people get confused.

It was actually a question we got.

What's the difference between gossip or sharing your feelings with a friend or a spouse?

And I think gossip,

Well,

If you look at the definition of gossip,

It's a person who habitually reveals personal and sensational facts about others and a rumor or report of an intimate nature.

So already,

If you just listen to that definition,

You can see that there's motive and there's intention.

The question is,

Is it good or bad?

And we know full well if we're going to say something,

If that's going to harm the person we're speaking about and also if that's going to negatively influence the person we're speaking to.

Sorry,

What did you want to say?

No,

Just to give an example,

I see this a lot with parents who they're going through a divorce and they're hurt.

Let's say it's a bitter divorce and they start to speak negatively to their children about the other parent.

And it really breaks my heart.

When I do hear this,

I really sit down with the person and I try to remind them that you once loved this person,

You chose to marry them,

And you created children through love.

And that's what they understand now.

If you start to now taint them with this information you're about to give them,

Then they're going to start to deny who they are because now they're going to question,

Well,

Did my parents ever love each other?

Am I made from love or what am I?

It's so damaging.

And if you look at it that way from a child's perspective,

I think all of us can say,

Wait a second,

Maybe I'll take a little responsibility.

Although we know when we feel hurt or we feel misunderstood or we feel taken advantage of,

We become very reactive and we want to destroy.

If we can push pause and try to remove our emotions from a situation,

We can usually come back to a place of balance.

But again,

With ongoing battles of divorce,

That can go on for years.

So I think that that's a real challenge and I feel I empathize with that.

But I think in those moments,

Especially,

We have to realize what that does,

Again,

To the person speaking and to the ones that are influenced.

Absolutely.

And again,

Unfortunately,

We have had a few people that we know who have gone through divorces and oftentimes that's the result.

There is this negative dialogue that begins sometimes from both parents,

Sometimes from just one about the other.

And I think the worst part,

I was actually talking to somebody about this earlier today,

The worst part of some of our negative behaviors is when we're sure we're right.

And that's probably the most painful.

You meet people who are who desire to speak so negatively,

To destroy with their words,

Their ex-husband,

Ex-wife,

Because everybody needs to know.

Well,

First of all,

Not everybody needs to know,

But if you are in that situation,

Really take the time to think and say,

Is this my ego?

Is this really coming from the right place?

Because I can tell you that I don't ever remember,

And I unfortunately have seen too many people go through this,

Where they were so sure that their narrative,

Their story is 100% right.

Everybody should know,

And they literally use these words,

Everybody needs to know how bad this person is.

Because I want to save them from having to go through this.

I want to save them from having a bad experience.

Exactly.

If you're in that place,

I beg you to take a moment to possibly rethink the damage that you're doing,

Even if you're right.

Now,

This has nothing to do with the fact of truth or falsehood.

You could be 100% right,

Although unlikely,

Because none of us are ever 100% right.

But is that really the energy you want to bring into your life?

Is that really the energy you want to give to your children?

Is that really the energy you want to give to your friends?

I know so many times where I felt so sure about something,

And I was ready to go and march up on a mountaintop and say,

This is wrong,

Or this is unjust.

And then a year later,

I see it differently.

And I might still think I'm right,

But I don't think that I would necessarily feel like I need to do what I did.

I've learned to control that.

I used to go out and I'm right.

And then afterwards,

I'd be like,

Oh,

I was so sure.

And then I realized I was not right.

And I stopped doing that,

Actually,

Because I always regretted it.

Right.

And actually,

Remember,

You brought to mind some time ago,

We were in Mexico for a friend's wedding.

And we were sitting actually around a table.

And this question came up.

One of our friends in their room had a huge,

It's a very nice hotel,

Very nice place in Mexico,

Had a huge ant infestation in their room.

And they had to call the front desk.

And it was a mess.

And the guy was like,

I think I'm going to write a negative review of this hotel,

You know,

Wherever you do that.

So people should know.

And then I asked him a question,

Right?

He was about to tell the truth to the world,

Right?

He,

His experience of that hotel,

He came to the hotel,

He had a huge infestation of ants and so on and so forth.

I said,

Do you want to be responsible for all the people who are going to read that are not going to come?

So the money that's not going to come to this hotel,

That's not going to be paid to the workers in this hotel and so on and so forth.

Do you want to be responsible for the damage that will become affected by your negative review?

And I said,

Unless you,

You know,

And this is true,

Not just about hotel reviews,

But this is true about life.

There are so few times that it's really the right thing to tear somebody down.

So few times.

And even in those times,

Be so careful.

And therefore I think again,

When we see,

Whether you're talking about,

You know,

Talking about your exes or talking about the hotel you stayed in and you were about to go negative,

Just really ask yourself,

Do you want to be responsible for that?

There are people who make,

And again,

Hopefully this isn't most of the people listening to the podcast,

Who make a negative story that really overtakes them.

And so often when you're sitting with them,

They are telling their victimhood story to you about this person and that person.

And again,

The question that we should ask ourselves,

If we're that person,

If we're with that person,

Is that the energy that I want to be putting out to the world?

You will find that most people who are telling these negative stories,

They're not happy because at the end of the day,

If you spend too much of your time creating negative energy through your words,

You can't be happy.

The quote that actually comes to mind while you're speaking,

It's from Benjamin Franklin said it,

Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place,

But far more difficult still to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

That's a great quote.

And the other thing I was thinking about when you were speaking is that,

And I think,

And I really,

It's going to be ugly to actually hear if you catch yourself,

Right?

But when you talk about other people,

You're really just talking about yourself.

And again,

When we feel justified by speaking about a horrible acts or our tragic boss or whatever it is,

We're going to say,

No,

They're behaving badly.

I am justified in how I feel and what I'm saying.

But is your boss really a jerk or is it saying something about your lack of patience and understanding?

Because there's always going to be a spiritual opportunity in every difficulty.

So any person that comes into your life that aggravates you,

That upsets you,

That hurts you even,

They're still no,

I'm sure they have blame and I'm sure they have their own responsibilities that they're going to have to take at some point,

Or maybe they never will.

But if you want to look at why this is in your reality,

What is the opportunity for you to see something unique about yourself that you might want to change?

There will always be something to find.

I'll give you another example.

Let's say a woman talks about how her husband worships the ground she walks on.

What is she really saying about herself that she's feeling insecure?

There's always a truth that's hidden under those things that we say in the way that we use our mouth.

Or if you're gossiping about how one of your friends is annoying you to another friend,

You're really telling your friend that she can't trust you.

I never trust people who often speak about,

Try to speak badly about other people to me.

Because I know that I'm just next on the list.

That quote,

I think you often would say,

Is if somebody's willing to cheat with you,

They will be cheating on you.

And the same thing here.

If somebody's willing to speak negatively about somebody else to you,

They're going to wind up speaking negatively about you to somebody else.

And the point is- I always tell the kids that.

When the kids come to me and they're like,

So my friend said this,

This and that about whatever,

I'm like,

You know what,

You better be careful.

You're next.

I mean,

That's like a running conversation in our house.

Right.

And in our lives,

We have at different times been really at the receiving end of negative speech.

And one of the things,

And again- On a large scale.

On a large scale.

And it's always hurtful.

But one of the things I'd like to say,

Two points on that.

One is that there's a beautiful Kabbalistic teaching.

Next time you hear that somebody has said something negative about you,

The Kabbalists say that besides the negative energy that a person awakens when he or she speaks negative about others or about themselves,

That energy that we spoke about that remains,

Also when somebody speaks about somebody else,

If somebody speaks negative about you,

They take upon themselves,

They become like a magnet to some of your negativity,

Which means we've all done negative actions.

We've all created negative causes,

Negative karma,

That at some point probably has to come back into our lives.

When somebody speaks negatively about me,

Not only are they creating their own negativity around themselves,

But they are actually taking away some of my negativity.

And there's actually stories of many Kabbalists who,

When they heard that somebody was saying terrible things about them,

They would literally go and give them a gift because they realized the tremendous benefit that was occurring to them while these other people were speaking negatively about them.

It's so interesting because I remember at that time,

I used to come to you and I'd say,

Oh,

You know,

I'm really afraid of evil speech,

Evil eye.

And we would talk about this and you'd say,

Well,

There's a protection in that because normally,

You know,

Of course you feel attacked,

You feel harmed,

And that is occurring.

But this idea that they're taking some of your negativity away,

I actually found creates solace in that.

Yeah,

No,

I think it's again,

I can say that I think not that it's ever right for that person to be doing it,

But for the receiver,

The person who's being spoken about to really understand the benefit that actually is being created,

That being caused for them.

But the other thing I want to say on that is that,

You know,

Unfortunately,

We have encountered people who see themselves as good people,

Even people who see themselves as spiritual people who speak negatively.

And I think because one of the important understandings is who am I surrounding myself with?

If there's somebody in your life,

Even if they are or see themselves as a good person,

Or they see themselves as even a spiritual person,

But they spend a lot of time speaking and gossiping about other people,

Or they spend a lot of time trying to bring down or speak negatively about somebody,

That's not somebody you want in your life.

I mean,

Think about who do you want,

Who you have in your life is one of the most important deciders about the qualities,

Both spiritual and otherwise in your life.

I would question very,

Very,

Very strongly from and this is by the way,

From experience,

Anybody who spends in an ordinate amount of their time speaking negatively about anybody.

Well,

That's the thing you want to look at the people around you and ask this very simple question,

What are the ideas that they're elevating?

What is the conversation,

Right?

Because by you can tell everything about a person based on what comes out of their mouths regularly.

You know,

If you really want to know a person is just listen to what comes out of their mouth,

And what things they espouse as being important.

There's this great parable I love that I'd like to share.

So I think it really hones in on what happens when we speak negatively.

It's about a shopkeeper.

What's a cobalistic story?

And I think that the titles right is shopkeeper,

It was a coach,

It's been many,

Many different.

Yeah,

This this this parable evolved many times for hundreds of years has been told in different forms.

So as a shopkeeper who lived in a small village,

And he was a nice guy is agreeable,

For the most part,

But he had a very disagreeable habit of gossiping.

And he just loved getting attention from people who would come in his store,

Day in and day out,

And they would give him little bits and pieces of the latest rumors in town.

And it's a small village,

Right?

So as soon as you hear something,

You share it in a matter of an hour,

Basically the whole town knows of it.

And he knew it was wrong,

But he just couldn't help himself.

It was just too juicy.

So one day,

Here's the most outrageous story about another man in the village.

And he knew though,

When he heard it that if this got out,

It would ruin the man's reputation.

But again,

He just couldn't resist.

So the man that had spoken about it,

Of course,

The rumor gets to him and he is now upset,

And he's worried,

And he's worried about his future,

What's going to be so he goes to the mayor,

And he said,

What do I do?

This is what's going around about me.

It's not true.

What can be done so the mayor knew exactly where to go.

He knew who started,

You know,

Where this initiated,

He goes to the shop,

This is the shopkeeper.

And,

And he said,

You know,

What,

You know,

What did you do,

You've ruined this man's integrity,

And his character.

And he said,

You know,

It's really that bad.

I didn't start the rumor.

I just repeated it.

And of course,

We know it was so the mayor said,

Okay,

You know,

Go get a pillow and come meet me outside.

So he does as he's told,

And he gets to know how we can fix it.

Well,

He's not going to be able to fix it.

How can we fix it?

Well,

Yes,

He asked the mayor,

Okay,

I've done this.

Now what?

How can I fix it?

So he says,

Get a pillow,

Which again,

Doesn't make sense in the moment.

They go outside,

The shopkeeper takes a pillow.

Now the mayor says,

Take a knife and cut it open.

And he sees all the feathers fly out,

It goes over the hills into the farms into the neighbors houses.

I mean,

It's spreading miles and miles.

It's a windy day and it goes and then the mayor says to the shopkeeper,

Okay,

Now I want you to go and collect all the feathers.

And the shopkeeper says,

That's impossible.

I can't reach them.

They've gone too far.

And he said,

Exactly.

This is what happens when you spread evil speech.

Once the word leaves your mouth,

It flies on the wings of the wind and you can never get it back.

Because once people have heard gossip,

The words have changed them.

And I think that's so powerful,

Right?

Because we don't look at words as being they can be weapons,

Right?

Words can be used to create great change and movement and beauty,

Or it can do the exact opposite.

Right.

It's really a mad two things that come to mind as you were talking is that the power of words,

As we've been saying is that it really changes the person who's hearing and how they perceive that other person.

If you got up in the middle of a restaurant and slapped or punched your friend,

The only person who would be viewed as negative as you,

They will not have a negative effect on how they view the person,

The receiver of that slap or that punch.

But when you speak negative words about him or her,

That damages the view,

The relationship that your friends now have to that person.

It's very important to realize that one of the most powerful,

Both positive and negative tools that we have is our mouth.

It's actually interesting.

Because you've taken opportunity away from them.

You've taken possibilities away from them.

You often say the one thing you can really steal from a person is their character.

That can only be done through speech.

It can't be done by hitting.

It can't be done by stealing something else.

And especially today,

Anybody can write an email or post something and attack someone's character.

And that's it.

Somebody might always doubt you.

They won't know if it's true or not.

It's that easy to destroy.

It's interesting because we're probably at a time in human history where negative speech is the easiest to accomplish.

You just have to push a button.

I hate you,

Send.

And with that,

We have to really understand that,

And this is on a spiritual level,

All of that negative speech creates a negative energy in our world.

And at least we can begin with making sure that I am not part of that.

And I think it's so important again to really appreciate the damage.

And the great power and responsibility we have.

And the damage that I've just done to that person.

I think it's so,

It's one of the most underestimated effects of our lives.

We go through life and we just spew,

Again,

All of us to some degree or another,

Hopefully after this podcast less so,

But we're spewing this damaging venom and we're hurting this person and then that person and then that person and then that person is that powerful.

We can destroy lives,

Really.

It does.

It has.

I was thinking about this too.

I think that our culture is so concerned about what we put in our mouths.

More than ever,

We're a health conscious culture for the most part.

We talk about it a lot.

Live younger,

Take these vitamins,

Eat better,

Don't have sugar,

Cut out dairy,

Paleo,

Vegan,

I mean,

On and on.

If we gave that much,

Not even that much,

Just a little bit more consideration about what comes out of our mouths,

That's going to create the most health benefits possible.

For sure.

I mean,

I was going to say,

You are more conscious of what you put in your mouth for instance than I am,

But I am also relatively conscious after all these years of marriage.

I've learned a few things,

But there's an ancient story where the students of a certain spiritual sage were traveling and they came to a certain inn on their way to their master and they were questioning the waiter and the owner of the inn about their food,

How it's done,

Is it kosher,

And so on and so forth.

Then they spend 20 minutes and then they sit down,

Their food comes,

They start talking and gossiping and somebody comes up to them and he says,

You know,

You should spend as much time thinking and questioning what comes out of your mouth as you spend on what is coming in.

And when they went back to their master,

They repeated the story and they said,

Yes,

That person was actually a great soul that came to teach you this lesson.

And this is true.

We give almost no thought to spewing words,

Especially negative ones out of our mouth or through our hands on the keyboard or on our phones.

That is one of the greatest dangers of our time.

One of the greatest dangers of our time.

Well,

There's a way that we can stop participating.

And I always like quick tools,

Not quick,

But effective and short,

Right?

Because that's how we learn.

And I think that we can catch ourselves when we have little kind of things that we've set ourselves up for to have success rather than fall prey to participating in gossip.

It's called the Socrates Triple Filter Test.

Have you heard of it?

I heard about it from you yesterday for the first time.

We're going to pretend that we.

.

.

Mikhail!

But by the way,

I was,

As I will share with everybody today,

I think it's one of the greatest tools that we can give.

We're going to go through this again and you're going to act surprised like you've never heard it before.

What?

The Socrates?

Triple Filter Test.

Triple Filter Test.

Never heard of it.

Okay.

There we go.

One day,

One of Socrates students approached him and excitedly shared,

Socrates,

I've just heard some news about one of your friends.

Before you tell me this news,

We need to make sure that this passes through the Triple Filter Test is what Socrates responded.

What's that?

Asked a student.

The first test is to truth.

Do you know what you're about to tell me is absolutely true?

The man thought and then responded,

I heard it from someone else.

So I'm not sure it's at all true.

The second filter is goodness is what you have to tell me something good Socrates required queried.

No,

It's not good.

So what you have to tell me is neither true nor good.

The man was embarrassed and Socrates continued.

The third and final filter is usefulness is what you have to share useful.

Probably not the man replied.

If you're not going to tell me something true,

Good or useful,

Then why tell me at all?

Right.

It's beautiful.

Again,

I think those three,

Right?

True,

Good and useful,

Which means every conversation we have should have all of those three,

Right?

See,

That would elevate conversations everywhere.

Absolutely useful,

Right?

How many times do we have?

And again,

Not that there's anything wrong with just,

You know,

Speaking about silly stuff.

Not everything has to be useful,

But it can't be bad,

Right?

And unuseful or untrue and bad and unuseful.

But I think again,

For me,

The one word,

The one filter that resonates the most is good.

You know,

There's a there's a beautiful teaching from the capitalist.

There's a verse in Song of Songs.

It says my soul went out with my word.

My soul went out with my word.

Nafshi at Sabi Dvam.

And the capitalist teach that every time we speak,

We are actually taking a spark of our soul and it is invested in every word that we say and where we have manifested it,

Which means if we've said positive words,

If we've said words of goodness,

If we've said words that are useful to somebody else,

Then now my soul has manifested.

I am attached eternally to those words of goodness.

If on the other hand,

I speak negatively,

My soul sparks become manifest in negative words eternally.

Now I'm attached forever to that negativity.

And again,

All of this is just to bring us back to this appreciation of the power of our words.

Our soul goes out when we speak.

These aren't sort of,

You know,

Thoughtless sounds that never come back,

But actually we are attached to them.

They are part of our soul.

And let's think about our words in that way.

This is where my soul is going.

This is what I am becoming.

This is the direction to which I am taking my life and myself.

This is your expression in the world.

It's exactly that.

And I know all of us,

Myself included,

Monica included,

All of you listening,

We want to be going in the direction of goodness.

But if your words are going in the direction of the negative,

That's where you're going.

You know,

Recently we lost a very dear friend of ours.

And at his funeral and at the service afterwards,

I was trying to think,

And he was a really special,

Beautiful,

Accomplished person.

Kind also.

Right.

And I was thinking to myself,

What was it about him that I appreciated the most?

And the answer for me was that he was good,

Desiring to do good,

To bring goodness into our world.

And I think if you ask myself,

Monica,

Everybody listening to this podcast,

We all want to be that.

Is that who you want to be?

You want to be somebody who is good,

Bringing goodness into this world.

That's great as a eulogy.

But the question is,

Where are my words leading me today?

How are my words manifesting today?

Well,

If my words are leaning towards negative manifestation,

Negative words about other people or negative words about myself,

That's who I am right now.

And I think maybe one of the great motivators to really limit the amount of negative speech that comes out of our mouth is to realize that that's not me.

That's not who I want to be.

I really want to be a good person.

I really want to bring goodness into this world.

Well,

One of the most important things that you need to be doing is making sure that the majority,

We're not meant to be perfect,

But that the majority of the words that are coming out of your mouth are words of goodness.

The way I see it,

We only have two choices as to what we connect to in this life.

We can either connect to the state of goodness,

Right,

Which is all those things we spoke about expressing kindness,

Empathy,

Compassion,

Sharing into the world,

Or we can connect to everything that's wrong.

And there's always going to be something wrong that you can find if that's what you're looking for.

So I think before we speak,

We just have to make sure that it's what we want to put out in the world.

If your words don't support what you intend to put out in the world,

Then don't say them.

And I think that far too often we make things difficult.

This can just be a decision we make now.

And then we can be strict with ourselves.

Once you decide something,

Anything in life,

You decide on a diet,

On a fitness program,

On learning a new language.

Once you decide something,

You're now putting it into motion.

Your mind is an obedient servant,

And it's going to work very hard to achieve the things that you have dictated that you want to create.

If you decide you want to be a person that only speaks positively or says kind things to yourself and others,

Then be strict with yourself.

Decide and let that be your new reality.

It can be that simple.

Again,

It has to be backed up and it has to be with lots of repetition and be consistent with it.

But if you decide and if you're really strict with yourself,

Then it's something that you'll start to be living.

I remember yesterday when you said this and again today,

That word strict is a word I think that most of us do not apply to our mouth.

We apply it maybe to food.

We apply it maybe to exercise.

We apply it maybe to work.

Or we also apply like I'm never speaking to that person again.

We get really specific with certain things.

And usually it's connected to negative things like our ego.

We are hurt.

I'm never going to do or even if we drink too much,

I'm never going to drink like that again.

And I think we forget,

But with this kind of commitment to yourself,

If you really understand the power of your words,

The power of your thoughts,

The power of your consciousness,

Then you can be very strict and follow up with it every single day.

And it might be a choice you have to re-choose every morning when you wake up.

Maybe you should listen to this podcast every day.

But I think that that is such an important word.

It's a powerful word and one that I don't think we often enough associate with this commitment.

Hopefully there's enough that we shared in this podcast to realize why it's important for me to restrict more on negative words.

It's one of the most important decisions we're going to make,

But all that is really for not unless we accept Monica's statement.

I'm going to be strict with my words moving forward.

Thank you for joining us and let's make a commitment for the rest of the day that we only say things that are true,

That are good,

And that are useful.

And as Monica mentioned in the beginning,

This is the second time we're recording the podcast on the power of our words.

I liked it better this time.

I liked it both times,

Maybe a little bit better this time.

But I think.

.

.

Well,

No,

By that,

I mean I feel even more excited.

Yes.

And more energized.

Yes.

And this needed to be said at least twice.

Maybe.

Let's do it.

Maybe.

Yeah.

Let's not.

.

.

We're good with two.

Yes.

Hopefully we'll record it well this time.

But I think that whether we think about ourselves or whether we think about our world,

Really for every single person listening,

If we make that commitment not to be perfect,

But to be getting more strict on having goodness come out of our mouth and limiting the negativity that comes out,

We will see,

We will absolutely see a difference in our lives.

And I believe in the long term,

We will see a difference in our world.

So again,

I hope that you all enjoy listening to this podcast as much as Monica and I have enjoyed recording it.

And please continue sending in your questions to Monica and Michael at Kabbalah.

Com,

Monica A.

And D.

Michael at Kabbalah.

Com.

And we will try to get to all the questions over the course of these podcasts.

Also,

Make sure you go to wherever you get your podcast and review,

Hopefully five-star reviews and write your reviews.

Especially since you'll be using very positive words for the rest of this day.

Write your review now.

Exactly.

This is probably the perfect time for you to write down and write your review and share this with as many people as you can.

I know for ourselves,

For Monica and I,

The reason we do this is because we really want to bring goodness into our world.

And by sharing this podcast with others,

With your friends and family,

Hopefully you'll be bringing goodness into their world.

And by the way,

Probably less likely to be saying anything negative about you.

Thank you.

Bye.

Reviews

Awesome thanks

Wonderful podcast. Thank you 🙏 -do you have any suggestions if the person who speaks or sees the world negatively is a parent? I have tried several strategies and I’m struggling on how to be supporting but not walk away feeling depleted and angry. Sometimes I feel it best to simply listen but then I’m in a bad place. Sorry to ask but if you have another talk that addresses this would you mind please telling me where I can find it? Thank you 🙏

Amazing podcast!

Powerful words. No pun intended. 🙏🦋💕🌈

Thank you so much. I found this talk really helpful. It makes so much sense. Real good for thought. Thank you 🙏💖🙏😘

Speaking nothing but love and light into your lives. Gratitude for this reminder. It was for me.

Feeling inspired by this talk! I set the intention to be more mindful of my speech going forward. I am also left wondering about the impact of making ourselves or others 'bad' for negative talk, and wondering instead how bringing a sense of compassion towards this habit might be more helpful, in the vein of consciously choosing to speak more wholesomely. I wonder how this intention can also be applied to our thoughts.. thank you for helping plant these seeds of awareness, reflection and contemplation through your talk 🙏🏼

Thank you 🙏

Excellent... I hope many listen to this... thank you...it was definitely worth recording twice :)

Yes..that was excellent..I did learn and shared it and n fb

This is so appropriate for the time ! Kudos for bringing it to IT and sharing

Very powerful! Definitely how we should speak in the affirmative about ourselves and others.

Thank you for this much needed reminder!!

Thank You, for the reminder of this important lesson. And will change my words both internally and out.
Your words of wisdom continue to transform.
Muchas Garcias :-)

ANOTHER Awesome Discussion FULL of Insight, Wisdom and MUCH FOOD FOR THOUGHT❣️
Thank you for sharing your Personal Life Lessons to help better our own Personal Journey. 🙏🏻💕

Very powerful stuff. I am in a space in my life where I was seeking more spirituality. I am so thankful for finding this podcast it ring so true. Thank you for bringing your words into my life.