The "Inner Patriarch" And How It Holds Women Back #240

The Inner Patriarch is a self (also called sub-personality), in the same way that the Pleaser, the Inner Critic, the Inner Child, and many more internal selves in our psyche. This particular voice is like an invisible force that keep women small from the inside. In order to liberate yourself from the claws of the inner patriarch, you need to be aware of it. This episode is meant as food for thought and recorded live on August 8th, 2022.

Transcript

Welcome to the Soul Infused Monday show. Today's topic, The inner patriarch and how it holds women back. This is your show for an inspired and meaningful week. And thank you for coming back to listen, Learn and grow. I was inspired to talk about this today. I am still in Germany and in my sister's basement, There was still a box of some of my books. Now I'm not gonna take these books with me and they're all in German. However, I picked up one of the books that I remembered back in the days that made a big impact and that I've been working on a lot. And it's a book from Sidra Stone. Now I, And I don't know if you know, Hell and Sidra Stone, They are the founders of the Boy's Dialogue Method. And I was privileged and honored and blessed enough back in the days to got personally trained by them. That was at a time when they weren't doing any group trainings anymore. And I did that training while I was doing my energy therapist training. I have the German version here. So if you're listening and you don't see, But I'm showing a book for any German speaking people here, The book in German is, Looks like this and is called Es ist seit das Du gehst. The English version of it is called The Shadow Queen from Sidra Stone. So I was going through those books and I thought, Oh, This is a good book. And even though I don't, I like to read German so much anymore, I started to reread it again after so many years. It inspired me to talk about it today, Not necessarily as teaching it or giving a solution for it. It's more about bringing it into your awareness. Maybe you are aware of it already, Or maybe you're not, But I hope that it will give you food for inspiration, For exploration. And it is also similar to some of the other sub-personalities or voices in us, Like the inner critic, That are operating often totally unconscious in your life. And as a disclaimer, I'm going to scratch the surface. Obviously I'm not gonna go so deep. There is certainly work to be done if it's something that you struggle with. And maybe you don't even know yet that you're struggling with because you're not aware of it. And I'm only gonna stretch the surface. And I also wanna say that also men have an inner patriarch. However, I'm gonna focus on women, Especially because that force, That voice, That self that is in us operating is obviously out there in the open and the outside. But in women, It is like an invisible force sometimes. Like it's so hidden and so subtle and so ingrained in the psyche that you don't even recognize it as such. So I want to bring this up to your awareness today, Give you a few pointers and invite you to explore that. Now, What is the inner patriarch and what is a sub-personality? So the concept is, And voice dialogue explains it very beautifully. The inner patriarch is the same as, For example, The inner child or the inner critic or the pusher or another part of our personality. We all are constructed of many different parts. Some of them are more obvious and present and primary in your life. And then we have those that we call the disowned, The hidden ones that we are not aware, But they kind of operate anyway. It's like a program system. So you have some programs that you see and they run and you know them and you work with them and you like them, Or you know how to deal with them. And then there are plenty programs in the background that you don't even know they're running. However, They impact and influence your life. What the inner patriarch does is it has a lot of rules. It has a lot of rules. And we live in a patriarchy, Depending on which country you are, Most everybody knows, Or this whole world is led or is conditioned or is influenced by patriarchy. As a woman, Having that voice internalized, Hidden, Invisible, Makes it sometimes even worse because you are acting out on it in a way that you might not be even aware why. And that inner voice, The inner patriarch is designed to keep us down, Hold us back, Tells us that we are no good in many different other ways. But it also has a lot of rules about how are women supposed to be in the workplace? What are they supposed to do when it comes to relationship? What are they meant to be? What are they meant to be? It's like this whole gender battle that is obviously also played out on the outside is happening inside without you even knowing. Now, Before I even continue, I wanna know how does that sound to you? Have you heard about this before? Have you worked on that before? Is this a new idea? How does that sound? Now, I wanna also say that the inner patriarch is not only bad, It has value and it was created like the inner critic in the beginning for like inner critic, For example, Was developed to protect ourselves from shame and pain in the very early stages. So it has a good intention. Now, The inner patriarch is different. However, It also has value and you can take value out of it only when you are aware of it. So it's not about judging it, It's not about fighting it, It's about being aware of it, Exploring it, Getting to know your own inner patriarch because they're individually very different, Even though foundational, They're kind of like the same. But everybody has their own unique flavor and programming in addition. So there's also good in that, I'm not saying judge it, Fight it, Be aware of it. Explore your inner patriarch. Maybe you ask yourself, Oh, How do I do that? Oh, I'm not so sure. But you can sometimes even, You can play with a question if you are noticing you're holding yourself back. Something is holding yourself back. You wanted to do something, But you're too scared. Or you wanna say something and you feel like you talk yourself out of it because you think you're not good enough. Or any other, Or setting a boundary or something. You can ask yourself the question, How would I act? Or what would I do in this situation if I would be a man? Just very, Just ask the question and see what voice comes up and see what you would respond. It's very interesting. Well, How would you feel about this if you would be a man? And oftentimes the first, And I've done this with my inner patriarch and worked with clients as well. Often my inner patriarch often says, I wouldn't care. I would just do it. That's the energy, I wouldn't care, We just do it. Find the voice in whichever way that works for you. Of course, If it's something that you wanna explore deeper and you wanna understand it more and it's really also creating struggle in your life and you wanna do the work. You wanna do the inner work as a therapist and coach is what I do with my clients as well. And I do also have a resource about the inner critic that you can rewatch or if you've never listened to it, To listen to it again, To understand and work through it in the same way that you would work with the inner critic. Does that make sense? I'm gonna check your comments real quick. And you find that inner critic webinar that is totally for free on my website and I'm gonna leave the link here. It's called the self-love cure and you can check it out on my website. Yes, The patriarch is in me as a powerful and damaging. Yeah, It's a very powerful force, Very, Very powerful. And because it's internalized, Again, It's not against, I'm not talking about over fighting now the patriarchy, It's more tuning inside and seeing what is it doing in me and what is my inner patriarch doing? And it's about us also doing the work to value yourself more to be aware of those voices, Those rules, So that instead of being blindly driven by it or being on autopilot, That you have awareness so that you can choose which rules do you wanna follow or not, That you can come from a place of an aware ego versus just being driven by that without even noticing. And it's not gonna happen overnight. It's really exploring maybe something new or if you've done this work, Because I've done this work with the inner patriarch, I mean, That's over a decade ago and I kept working on myself. And right now I'm noticing as well because I'm tuning in. It shows up a lot in many areas. However, It does particularly damage a lot in intimate relationships, Sexuality, In the workplace, But especially also in intimate relationships and dating or when we meet someone or in any type of partnership. And of course also in the workplace, Because besides of the outside patriarchy that even though there's equal pay, It's really not the reality yet, But what does happen internally. And when you work through that and you explore your inner patriarch and you do the work to free yourself and be aware of it so that you can balance it out and you can choose, Then it will create a ripple effect. And I think for us women, The more we do the work, Because the patriarchy damages men and women and any other gender. It's just something that is not only a force within us, But I'm focusing today on women. And it's also a bully. Yeah, It can feel like a bully. Yeah, And also the package. You have the inner patriarch that is often very hidden. You might hear it, You might experience it in a different way, Or you might think that is you, Has a lot of rules. And then the inner critic helps to reinforce them. So through criticism that stays reinforced. Does that make sense? For example, Let's say the inner patriarch, And for them, Any woman is the same. Like any woman, Like men are better than women. Women are supposed to, Whatever your rules are, But they're supposed to stay in the house. They are too much, Whatever the version is, But they are just less. Women are less, They're not equal. When you have that as a foundation, Unconscious and hidden, And then the inner critic jumps in and tells you that, That you're not good. So you are busy with the self-judgment, And you don't recognize that is actually a conditioning that comes even from a deeper collective, Historical evolutionary patriarchy. My intention for today was mainly to just put it out there for you to explore and to play and to put it in your awareness. Because sometimes I've learned so much over the last two decades that I incorporated, And often I don't necessarily say that term, Or it's so normal for me that I sometimes forget that not everybody knows this, Right? And I feel right now at this time in the world, It's an important topic because things are shifting. Things are challenging also. However, Things are also shifting. And when things are shift, They are crooked at first, Or they're kind of, We feel awkward. And sometimes we fall backwards before we move forward. And to really dig deep and revisit what is moving inside of me and the shift and the openness to gender equality, Or women's rights, And so many things that are happening in the world that are shifting things deep, Deep underneath, This is still very strong and operating. And the most important thing that I wanted to convey today, It's what it is that you doing, Not you, But in a way until you are aware, What is it doing to you internally? What are you doing? It's like a broken record that has internalized. You don't even notice. It's so subtle sometimes. I give you an example from the book that I just remembered. So Sidra shares an experience from her childhood, And I can share a few of mine, And maybe it resonates with you, How subtle that is or how it's so normal. So she was playing as a child when she was a little girl with a friend of hers in the living room. I don't remember exactly the game, But she was feeling exhilarated. She was winning. She was feeling great about herself. And so the boy was losing. Now her mother took her aside and said, Let the boy win. Boys don't like to lose, Especially not against a girl. I mean, We've heard this many times. It's so subtle, But that's what you often learn as a girl, Because someone says, Hey, Let them win. That's just one example. Or when you, I noticed that the other day when I was talking to someone that I was interested in and talking, Sharing, Talking, Sharing, And at some point I noticed myself getting a little bit insecure and nervous, And I felt like, Oh, I don't want to be too much. Don't be too much. And I was like, Wow, Where is that coming from? And so I was tuning into it. It's like, Okay, Certain rules about what is okay, How much are you being okay, How much is too much. And I was listening to that voice. And because I was aware of it, I could breathe through it and be as I wanted to be. Of course I might still be afraid of rejection or that somebody might judge me and that's okay. We all have those fears. And yet, It didn't matter. It didn't change for me who I am. And what I share, Because there's so much more that I can say. But what I want to invite you for this week is explore it. Look inside yourself in outside and imagine, Okay, What does my inner patriarch says? What, How do I see the world here? And what, How would I see it now if I would be a man? And what are the rules? And what are the conditioning that I got that I might have not been aware? So explore it in a playful way. Imagine as if you would be someone that gets to know someone new, And you didn't even know it. Maybe it's a new neighbor. Maybe this neighbor was living there with you already 10, 20, 30, 50, 60 years. And you didn't even know about this neighbor. Now you kind of knock on the door and you look and peek and look into the window and you observe this new neighbor and you get to know him. If you have a question, Or if you want to take this further, There are different ways to do that. First of all, If this is resonating with you, If you feel this is a subject that you want to dive a little deeper and you are someone that likes to read books, I recommend the book, The Shadow King from Sidra Stone. Helen Sidra Stone's books are all amazing. I was trained by them personally. That is still one of the best things I've ever done. And then if you want to dig deeper and do the work, Because we all need work. That's what I do with my clients, That what I did with myself. And it's about awareness. It's not about judging. It's not about fighting the system. It's not about rebelling. It's about first looking inward, Embracing, Getting to know so that you can choose and you can liberate yourself. It's an ongoing journey. As a whole in this world, Women get to liberate themselves and you value themselves. To get to value yourself first, You gotta feel equal. You gotta feel knowing. And of course the system needs to change. And of course there's other big other forces. But one thing that you can do is to do the inner work to liberate yourself. And if you want to see the self-love cure or listen to it, I think it's an audio that talks about the inner critic. It will give you a little bit also of a background on the psyche and why these parts are here and how they operate and how you can also work to separate yourself. Take a moment. Take a deep breath. Tune in and let me know what resonated with you today. What's your takeaway? What is your takeaway today? Just take a breath. Tune in. What is your takeaway from today? I know it was only scratching the surface here and yet I hope I gave you enough food for thought. And I would love to hear what is your takeaway from today. And leave me a comment. Send me a message. Leave a review. I always love to hear from you. So I'm gonna take a moment and check your comments. And then I let you go explore your inner Patreon. It's new for me, But interesting. Great. I like knowing it's bigger and more evolutionary and I'm not the only one. Oh my goodness. Yeah, Good. I'm gonna take this one that you're not the only one. No. First of all, An inner patriarch. I mean, It just exists in everyone. And in women particularly strong. So you are so far from being alone and the only one. So yeah, This is a great takeaway. So much bigger. I really relate to the voice saying, Don't be too much. Yes, Yeah. Also relates a lot to boundaries. Next time you wanna set a boundary and I say the boundary because I know Tina who just shared that comment. If you're struggling to say no or set a boundary, Just ask yourself for a moment. I would be a man. What would I do? I'm pretty sure if you listen to that voice, It's like, Well, I say no, I don't care. There's also some things that you can pick from the inner patriarch that is actually valuable as well. So it's not, Again, It's not only that. It was a reminder that it comes back to working on what is within me. It's not out there. Yeah, Good takeaway. And you're right, It is out there. It's big out there. However, That's out there. That's obvious. But what it does to you internally, That's where you can do something about it and where it has the grip on you, Stronger than on the outside, Especially the time that we're living now. As women compare looking back, We have more freedom, At least in most Western countries than before. So the outer patriarchy is still there and it's obvious. However, It's not as obvious as you would think. So you might not pay attention, But internally it is so real in there, I can tell you, Right? It's there. Thank you for being here today. I look forward to seeing you again on another episode of Solid Fused Monday. May you have a wonderful week. Remember to take deep breaths, Explore your inner patriarch. And if you want to have resources, Get the book or the free audio here on my website. I just put it there again. And if you have any follow-up questions, Please don't hesitate to reach out to me. Much love.