Learning To Pause

In this gentle talk, we explore the simple practice of pausing before we react. Through a personal story and reflection, you’ll be invited to notice what’s happening beneath your first response and make room for more compassion, clarity, and choice.

Music: Epidemic Sound. Photo: Unsplash

Transcript

Hi, And welcome to this reflection on learning to pause. Finding space between trigger and response. I've been thinking lately how quickly a moment can change. You can be moving through an ordinary day, Doing ordinary things, And then something happens. A message comes in. Or someone uses a tone that catches you off guard. Plan changes. You feel criticized, Dismissed, Or misunderstood. And then there are those people who, For some damn reason, Have your number. And no matter how much inner work you do, They trigger you. I think it might've been. Ram Dass, I shouldn't say. Who, Because I'll probably get it wrong, But. . . Someone said, If you feel enlightened, Go visit your relatives for the weekend. Almost before we know it, Our bodies respond or react. We feel things like the tightening of our chest. Our minds start racing and we think of all sorts of answers and scenarios that might come up. We maybe begin preparing our defense and we might feel the urge to explain ourselves and correct other people, Shut them down, Walk away, Or say something sharp enough to make the discomfort stop. And I have to admit, I'll tell you a story in a minute, That I know that place all too well. There have been many times when I've wanted to be calm, Curious, And kind. But what comes up first in me is not calm, Curious, Or kind. It's often more like fear and defensiveness. And the need to make sure that I'm heard and understood. When this happens, It's not failure that's being human. There's a part of us that is naturally defensive. It's there to protect us. We're wired to react. Our bodies learned long, Long ago how to protect us. And before we had the ability to reflect. Deeply about our feelings, Our nervous systems. They were already doing their job. They were watching for danger, Scanning for threat, Helping us move quickly when quick movement was needed. So the goal is definitely not to shame ourselves for reacting. That usually just adds another layer of pain. It's what the Buddhists call adding the second arrow. And resisting doesn't work either. I don't know who said it first, But it was. Was said that, That which we resist persists. And that's commonly spoken of in addiction circles. I do believe that we're invited to be transformed and to live. More often from the best and truest part of ourselves. I'm going to sound like an old codger here, But I think. A lot of people have given up on living that way. And there's a lot of. Things going on in society that. Are sort of against that. The thing is we've evolved in a way that gives us the ability to notice what's happening inside us. We can feel an impulse and not immediately obey it. We can sense an old pattern beginning to take over. Even for a second or two, Choose another way. And this is where the pause becomes so important. Recently, Something came up for me and I can't share the details because it's too personal and I might implicate someone and I don't want to do that. And it's not only my story to tell. But I can describe the inner experience because I think most of us can relate to it. And that's why I want to share it. I hope that it's helpful and gives us some signs and signals to know when it's time to pause. In this situation, I could feel myself getting really angry, And I was upset by the way Some people were handling things. The most I'll say is that In my opinion, They weren't really showing up. They weren't responding in the way I thought the moment required. And I was getting frustrated. I was definitely self-righteous. And I was getting angry. I started gathering evidence and thinking why they should be showing up when they weren't. And I was building a case internally. I could feel myself preparing a speech that I wanted to give. I wanted to tell people why I thought their response was wrong and lacking. There's nothing wrong with feeling angry when something matters. Anger is a very human response. And sometimes it tells us that something feels unfair, Uncared for, Or out of alignment with what we value. But the speed and intensity of my reaction told me something. I wasn't only responding to what was happening in front of me. Something in me was causing this strong reaction. And I'm still not completely sure what it was, Even though I've searched for an answer. What made it worse is that I probably wasn't going to be in contact or even talking to the people I was upset with. I was doing all of this internally. I was judging them in my head and I was ready to pop. I don't know what might have happened if I hadn't paused. Quite possibly someone would have been the recipient of my anger. I was probably being quite short with the people around me and not even realizing it. It was definitely stealing my peace. And I was captured by the situation. I wasn't free inside. I was being carried by my reaction, And my inner turmoil. I knew I needed to pause and so I did. I kept trying to get to that place where I was just being aware of what was going on inside me and being open to wisdom and some sort of relief or an answer. And at one point when I did pause, Something softened. Underneath the frustration. I found a deep longing for people to be cared for well. I realized that my anger wasn't wrong. But it wasn't the whole story either. I can't quite describe it, But the pause helped me get in touch with compassion. And that just caused the anger to just melt away. I had compassion for the people that I was worried about and was actually actively involved in caring for. And I had a little bit of compassion for the people who weren't showing up well. At least I was aware that they must have their reasons and there's two sides to every story. And I had compassion for myself because I could see how much I cared. And how afraid I was. Something important might be missed. The pause didn't make me passive. It didn't make me ignore what mattered. It helped me show up more compassionately to everyone involved, Including myself. That's one of the gifts of pausing. It gives us enough room to discover what's beneath the first reaction. And sometimes what's underneath it isn't weakness. Sometimes it's love. Trying to find a wiser way to respond and speak. One thing I realized was that, And maybe this is a bit of an answer, Was that beneath my defensiveness, There was hurt. Some of the things I've realized along the way is that anger may be covering sadness. Defensiveness may be covering shame. Control may be covering fear. And busyness may be covering unworthiness. A sharp response may be protecting a tender place in us that doesn't know how to ask for help or care. When we pause. We give ourselves room to listen for all of those things. The pause also gives us room. To choose. Without a pause, The loudest part of us often takes the lead. The old wound speaks, Our pain speaks. We react often out of pain, As Eckhart Tolle talks about. The old fear answers. The old pattern decides what happens next. With a pause, Something else becomes possible. We still may need to speak clearly or to set a boundary. We still may need to make a decision or ask for change or to tell someone that That's not okay. As I said earlier, Pausing doesn't mean becoming passive. It doesn't mean swallowing the truth or keeping the peace at the expense of our own integrity. It means letting a response come. From a deeper place than urgency. And haven't you noticed that there's a different quality to words that have had a little time to breathe? Or for us wine lovers, We might say to decant. There's a different quality to a yes and a no that rises from inside and comes from wisdom. This is what so many of us want, I think. We want to be kinder in our responses. We want to listen before assuming. We want to be curious instead of certain. We want to speak truth without turning truth into a weapon. We want to be gentle but not false. Clear but not harsh. We want to be authentic. And I'm thinking that Maybe if we don't have the desire to be that way? That's certainly the way we want other people to respond to us. So, Why not be that way ourselves? Sort of wrap this all up. Maybe today. This could be the invitation. Notice when things start to speed up inside and you're close to reacting instead of responding. And before you answer, Pause. Before you agree to something. Pause. Before you judge yourself or someone else. Pause. And before you assume you know what someone meant, Pause. You might ask or investigate as Tara Brock teaches us. What's happening? In me right now. Something I've been practicing quite a bit lately is being the compassionate observer first. It's been so helpful. To just remind myself to observe with compassion. And then see what arises. There's almost always a little bit more space. It gives me the opportunity to consider what would a loving, Compassionate response look like here. And then to just let the answer surface. I don't need to come up with the answer. I can just. . . Allow wisdom to answer when it's ready. When our response comes from the wisest part of ourselves that's available in the moment. We begin to see that we're not our first reaction. It's important not to identify with our reactions or even our responses for that matter. We're the awareness that notices these things. And we have the ability to return, Repair, Make amends, And choose again. Thanks for joining me, I hope that was helpful. Namaste.