You You Close your eyes and as you breathe deeply Allow the sensation of gratitude to fill your body from your toes All the way up through your legs your torso your neck and your head Whether or not the subject of your gratitude comes to mind in this moment Let a smile arrive on your face To remind you of all there is to be grateful for To be grateful for Dancing with addiction Previously I would have wanted this letter to be in devotion to food and my complicated relationship with it The part that it has played in my life has felt so monstrous seductive hateful comforting and destructive Yet What I have found to be true is this an unhealthy relationship with food itself It's merely a part of a much greater topic to be explored addiction Addictions are the compulsive behaviors that offer temporary shelter from feelings we are simply unwilling or unequipped to feel This letter is to addiction itself Thank you,
You saved my life And life was simply too much to bear unthinkably painful or just empty you addiction were there for me You whispered softly promises of relief and offered me a stepping stone from one painful moment to the next You morphed yourself into the form of alcohol food clothes relationships Instagram and gave me a rush of dopamine with each embrace It wasn't always great between us Sometimes you promised relief Sometimes you promised relief Sometimes you promised hope Sometimes you promised relief and it didn't come Sometimes I felt sickened with self-hate after succumbing to you There have been plenty of times I wish that I didn't know you But here's what I've learned about you You show up as a guide You are a barometer of my emotional weather system And these days When I find myself raiding the freezer for ice cream or doing anything in the hope of avoiding the feeling which I am feeling I can see that you are showing up As much as there are times that you are not feeling well As much as there are times that these behaviors have made me feel very ashamed I also know that there is a potential addict in all of us Some people have inbuilt tools and coping mechanisms keeping them from needing you But given the right conditions from the moment of their conception They too could have had a closer relationship with you Having danced with you for all these years I am under no illusion that there is anything in me that is different from a drug addict who ends up homeless and dependent That person's relationship with you has been fraught And in return you have cost them their lives You make friends with the people who are carrying hidden wounds And these wounds leave us open The people who are fully equipped to bear their shame or sense of worthlessness Simply aren't worth your time You make friends with the ones who secretly feel unlovable Who are touched by your love And the ones who secretly feel unlovable Who are touched with despair And find the hand they were dealt simply too hard to bear And knowing my relationship with you I know that had things been different for me If I had not had the friends and family I have Or the support I have been given We could have become much better friends Thank you for watching!
You
