Loneliness can take many forms.
You can be physically or emotionally isolated.
You may feel like you don't have a place or like you don't fit in.
This can even happen when you're within a group of people,
That feeling of not being able to connect,
Even while surrounded by others.
So I'd like to consider this whole idea of loneliness,
Where it comes from and how we can manage at least the small parts of it.
Loneliness can be deeper than we can work on simply from within.
And I think it's important to have outside support.
Strong guidance such as a group,
A counselor or another trusted professional can make a real difference.
And while there are many ways we can bolster and build ourselves up internally to combat loneliness,
Please do not discount the importance of professional help when you need it.
That being said,
We can look at some of the reasons loneliness occurs and explore how you might support yourself in moving through it.
There are times when we feel lonely because we don't know how to connect with others.
We might not feel good enough about ourselves or maybe we believe we don't have enough to offer.
In society,
It's not always acceptable to be the quiet one,
To be the person who listens,
To be the person who simply is,
To be among others without speaking or being active in some way.
And I think it's a problem many of us experience.
In social situations,
There's so much pressure to keep conversation going.
That's why some of us avoid going to places where we don't know people,
Where the pressure feels too high or where we would be required to use more energy than we actually have to give.
Some of this is about how comfortable we are with our own personality,
But I think the reality is bigger than that.
It's also about society and our culture and how others judge quietness.
It can make people uncomfortable.
The quiet person in the room is not always the one others find the easiest to be around.
So I imagine part of the journey is getting comfortable with who you are,
Accepting how you naturally present in the world.
It doesn't mean you have to offer a barrage of words,
Information,
Or knowledge.
Really,
Honestly,
Who you are is already enough.
I have a new granddaughter and I think about why she's so special.
All right,
Of course she's new in life and it's very exciting,
But there she is doing nothing.
There's no verbal interaction,
There's not much eye contact,
Not much activity,
And yet she draws all of us in.
We can consider what the baby brings,
A sense of purity,
Joy,
And newness.
She brings wonder and awe and she exudes this simply by being who she is.
There is no thinking,
No creating,
No expectation,
No performance.
She just is and we appreciate it.
Now being comfortable in our own skin is also powerful and that of course is a process in itself.
Can you enjoy your time alone,
Being in your own company,
Valuing the person that you are and all you have to offer,
Your essence itself?
It could be that you need to allow being alone not to feel bad,
Savoring your own company and the gifts it gives to you,
Appreciating the ability to make decisions without needing others' input,
Enjoying the freedom to laugh,
Cry,
Or express emotions without hesitation,
Valuing your autonomy in how you spend your time,
Feeling the relief in these things and the permission it provides.
Now sometimes it does benefit us to take action in order to lessen loneliness both physically and emotionally and that can include finding ways to reach out.
We all get very involved in our own individual lives.
Even when we think of others,
We don't necessarily make the contact.
It might help to use the tools we have easy access to right now because right now communicating doesn't always involve a lot of stress or energy.
It could be as simple as a voice memo,
A text,
Or sharing a meme.
It's making that contact and I know that sounds simple but I know it's also sometimes very daunting.
Consider making a list of gratitudes.
Actually,
Three lists.
One,
People that you're grateful for,
The situations you're grateful for,
And maybe environments you're grateful for.
You can hold on to this list.
Maybe add to them each day.
Maybe take away from them.
Then maybe it's easier to make that connection.
Maybe that person that you reach out to is the first person on your gratitude list.
We can also use that gratitude list to engage in activities,
Situations,
Or the environments that we want to be in.
To immerse yourself in something that already matters to you.
Perhaps that means going to a local park,
Going to a movie,
Taking a walk in the neighborhood,
Watching a favorite TV or talk show,
Listening to a podcast,
Going to the mall to people watch.
It's nice to have a list,
A set of resources to remember that there are places where you feel comfortable during the holiday season,
During particular times of stress.
You may feel overwhelmed by groups or expectations,
By what you should do and where you should be.
So it's a good idea to create your own clear boundaries about how to manage the situations.
These are just some suggestions.
Perhaps you go to an event or a party.
You will only stay for 30 minutes.
Perhaps you drop off what you have,
The food,
The gifts,
Say hello,
Give hugs,
And then head out.
Perhaps you'll choose to just speak to one or two people and once that's complete you allow yourself to move on.
Or maybe you can say I'll feel comfortable in my own space and I can sit and observe and simply listen.
That's a choice and that's okay too.
You could even ask the host if there's something you can do to help,
Something active,
Something where you have purpose during that time.
Maybe you collect the cups when people are done or you hold a pitcher of punch and offer refills.
Having a job or a sense of purpose can make the situation feel more manageable and maybe even more enjoyable.
I just hope that you'll remember that you don't need to change to be worthy of belonging.
Your quiet presence is a gift.
Your pace is allowed.
Your way of connecting is enough.
The world may be slow to learn that but you can know it now and that's what connection begins with and that's where sometimes we can try and move over the feelings of loneliness.
So find your comfortable position either seated or lying down and if it's comfortable allow your eyes to close or soften.
Take a slow inhale and let a long exhale fall out of your mouth.
And try that one more time maybe breathing in a little deeper and releasing just a little more slowly.
Let your body know you are present.
You are here.
Through all of this allow yourself to just recognize what you're feeling.
Loneliness has many shapes.
Sometimes we're physically alone.
Sometimes we feel unseen in a room full of people.
Sometimes the hardest part is believing that anyone would want to know the real us.
And whatever is present for you,
Let that be real.
Let it be allowed.
This is your experience right now.
You are allowed to feel what you feel.
And continue to support yourself with your breath here.
Either pulling it in deeply or just allowing it to be even and present.
If you'd like,
Place your hand on your heart space,
The center of your chest,
And simply feel the rise and fall as you breathe.
And shift attention to some truth that you and your presence matter.
You are not valuable because of how much you speak,
Perform,
Or give.
You are valuable because of who you are.
You are worthy of connection just as you are.
Allow your breath to soften anything that tightens within as we consider these things.
Imagine you're sitting besides someone who truly knows you fully.
Someone who doesn't ask anything of you.
Who simply likes sitting near you.
Let that someone be you.
Feel the quiet companionship you are capable of giving yourself.
Your curiosity,
Your humor,
Your tenderness,
Your wisdom.
Please take notice of even the smallest spark of comfort inside your body.
Maybe in your chest,
Your stomach,
Your jaw.
Acknowledge that it can stay there or you can allow that sensation to gently expand through the rest of you.
Now bring to mind one thing or one person that brings you a sense of comfort.
Now not everything.
It's great if we have a whole list.
Just one.
A familiar cafe,
A favorite walking trail,
A friend who may text you good morning,
A colleague at work who always offers you a smile,
A community you can join briefly,
Even online,
A stranger's hello at the library desk,
An animal that makes you feel supported.
See this connection as a small doorway,
Not a demand.
A place where you can ask yourself,
Where might I reach out even a little?
Let one simple action come to mind.
Something that you could do without pressure.
A message,
A shared meme,
Showing up for 10 minutes,
Joining a group quietly,
Volunteering for one hour,
Sitting near others without speaking.
Hold the thought,
The concept,
The possibility very gently as if a hand is holding this.
Waiting until you're ready.
Take a breath deep into your heart space.
Exhale it down your back.
Consider this.
You are allowed to take up space.
Connection is always possible.
You belong.
Feel your body connected to the space where you are.
Connected to the floor,
Connected to a piece of furniture,
Pillow.
And as you breathe in more deeply,
Really feel your body in the space.
Feel your presence.
Take some time to let your awareness widen outward to the room where you are,
Any sounds that you hear,
The space,
The world still holding you.
And when you feel ready,
If your eyes are closed,
Gently allow them to sliver open.
Connect with yourself using your hands on your chest or any part of your body that feels good.
I wish you all the best and I'd love to hear your thoughts on balancing loneliness.
May you journey toward peace.
