When Others' Don't Like Or Criticize Us

In this excerpt from our Weekly Sangha on IT, we explore the common experience of facing criticism or disapproval from others and how we can approach these moments with wisdom and compassion. We can't avoid the experience but we can transform it.

Transcript

So I thought we might just start off with just a short little talk on this kind of need that we all have, This problem that we have around needing the acceptance and approval of others. Because this is a very common thread, A common thread, A common problem that a lot of that we experience periodically, Right? We just, Things are going really well and then all of a sudden someone's criticizing us or we're perceiving that someone isn't liking us and then just out of the blue we get lost and frightened. Because it's quite a scary thing for us when people don't approve of us, When we perceive that someone doesn't like us. And evolutionarily this makes sense because when we lived in tribes, If we were going to be kicked out of the tribe, But let's say if one person didn't like us, Maybe another person didn't, We were being disruptive. If we were kicked out of the tribe, That would have meant certain death. We would have really struggled to survive. And so while we know intellectually, We know today that we're not going to die, That we know intellectually that it's not even realistic that everyone is going to like us because there's just too many interactions in the world. There's too many people that we're meeting in the world that just it's impossible with the unnatural amount of relationships or interactions that we have that someone isn't going to maybe like us as much as our best friend does, Or that they're not going to be critical of us. And intellectually, We can understand that a lot of this is, You know, We're interacting with a lot of people that are also suffering, And a lot of people that are projecting their own internal despair. And so we're often coming up against that. It often has nothing to do with us, That it's not personal at all, But it feels so personal. It feels like they're really out to get me, That they're really targeting me. And so intellectually, We understand this. And I would think that any one of you, If a friend had come to you with this problem, You would probably go through and explain all of these things very wisely and say like, You know, It's probably got more to do with them than it has to do with you. They're just having a bad day, Right? Everyone can't like us, You know, But I really like you, So doesn't that matter? Right? So we even give this advice to our friends. But then when it happens to us, We forget all of that, Right? We go right into that fear center of, Oh my God, This is a problem, I'm going to die. Right? That's how your brain perceives it. And so this is a common problem. We all face this. We all face it. And we do want to look at how we are approaching this. In fact, Even to look at the strategies, Maybe the unhealthy strategies, The unhealthy ego strategies that we use in these situations where we might, Maybe our favorite go-to is to pretend that we don't care, Right? Whether we're pretending we don't care, Even from a spiritual standpoint where people think, Oh, I'm so spiritually above that now, That those little petty things like that, Someone not liking me, I'm above that now. And so, I mean, It can come across as kind of a spiritual, I'm kind of spiritually above it, Or just people pretending like, Oh, I just don't care. I don't care what people think about me. And I just, I don't think that's true. I don't buy it. Because we do care what people think about us. And I think when we say that, It is the ego trying to protect itself. But what happens when we do that is that we're just suppressing our feelings of hurt. And then we start coming up with more strategies to prevent getting hurt again in the future, Where, You know, We close off our hearts. And we get some indication that someone isn't liking us, We'll back off first as a way to protect ourselves. Well, I don't care about them. You know, We're just, We're so quick to disengage, Again, As a strategy to try and deal with our hurt by suppressing it, Pretending we don't care, Disengaging. Or we go to the alternative strategy, Which I think is what most of us tend to do, Is that we look to try and fix the solution on the outside. We are looking for a thought-created solution to the problem. How can I prevent this from happening? How can I get this person to like me? How can I get them to take back their criticism? How can I get them to see that I wasn't in the wrong? How can I, How can I, How can I, Right? This endless loop of trying to fix it, To try and get them to like us, Right? Or maybe even just when we see them falling all over them, Really just doing everything in our power to try and get their attention, Complimenting them, Turning into a people pleaser, Being very inauthentic, Because we're so desperate for their approval. We haven't found the thought-created solution or the thought-created solution was, I'll just be super nice. I'll be even nicer. I'll compliment them. I'll do all these things, Trying to find a solution, And yet not really finding a solution. And of course, Not find, Well, Not finding an ultimate solution, Because maybe, Maybe you're able to fall in over this person enough that they like you, But then someone else, You know, Maybe not today, Not tomorrow, But in a couple months, At some point, Someone is going to not like us that much. Or criticize us. And so these are the ways in which the ego most commonly deals with it. We suppress it. We pretend we don't care. Or in trying to fix the solution, We are also in a way suppressing our feelings, Because we're not dealing with the hurt. We're looking for a solution. We're jumping over the hurt, Looking for a solution. So in both ways, Suppressing our feelings, Because it should hurt if someone doesn't like us. Criticism should hurt. We shouldn't go into despair, Right? That's kind of showing there's something that we're internalizing their criticism, And then taking it even further. But it should hurt. There should be an initial feeling of just, Oh, Ouch, Like a little just, Ouch, That kind of hurt, Like getting our attention. And so to come in and feel that hurt, Right? That's what's going on. We're hurt. And we're trying to not feel the hurt, And using strategies that aren't a solution, But they just keep prolonging the problem, And in fact, Creating new problems for us along the way. Because I think also even more so in that hurt, That initial sting, Like you said, Philippa, That initial sting, We need to come in and feel that, Because I think below that is an even deeper hurt that we so seldom come in and feel. Because I think there's a deeper fear that if this person doesn't like me, If they criticize me, They're actually getting a window into the real me. They're seeing the broken me, The me that they're kind of confirming this negative narrative that I have about myself, Of being unworthy, Of being unlovable, Of remembering every mistake that we've ever made, Of every deepest despair that we've ever had, Of from childhood, Feeling left out, Of being excluded in some way, To even as adults, Where we're so constantly comparing ourselves to others and feeling this inadequacy. And I think when we don't come in and feel that initial sting, That initial pain, What we don't also get to is the real driver of all this, Is that there's this deeper fear that they're seeing the real me. I've fooled everyone else, But this person is actually seeing the real me. And it's terrifying for us, Because we so buy into the story of ourselves that I am somehow not measuring up. Everyone else is, Just not me. That no one else gets criticized. No one else experiences this. Even if they do, It's not for the same reasons. It's not because they're not fundamentally broken. But I think there is something inside of us, Because of our childhood, Because of our egocentric culture, The competitiveness, The comparing, That we never get to that deeper fear, To nurture that deeper fear inside of us, That really is just begging for our attention and saying, Please, Would you just come in and feel me and address it? Really bringing our attention to it, Saying like, As we're always talking about when we're coming into our feelings and our feelings and feeling what's here, Giving it our full attention, It's okay, Sweetheart. It's okay that you're here. I know that this fear is here, And it's okay. To really nurture it, Because we skip over the initial sting and go right up into the ego, Whether it's, I don't care, Or trying to fix it. Instead of coming in to what it is that we're feeling and saying, Yeah, There is a deep fear that many of us have to different degrees, Depending upon our causes and conditions, Depending upon our experiences, Where we were raised, How we were raised. But I think there is really a core feeling of unworthiness that, Of course, Resides in this. It is inherent in the ego. I think the egos of our culture, It's just even more amplified. And there was a study, And I think it kind of bears this out where, And I think it was an NPR study. I've not been able to find it, But Jack Kornfield had mentioned it on one of his talks many years ago. And he had, I think, Attributed it to an NPR study. So they were in New York, And they had set up a group of people in the subway station. So a couple of people were right outside as the trains would pull in. A couple of people were there, And then there were another couple of people where the escalators where everyone's then gathering to go up. And as people were coming off the train, They would look at certain people, And they would just say, You're in, You're out. You're in, You're out. You're out, You're out, You're in, You're in, You're in, You're out. That's all they said. Two words, You're in or you're out. And then they, And I think the second person was kind of noticing like who it was so they could write down what their response was. And then as the people got to, Or maybe they had a video camera or something, But as they got to the escalator, Someone would just ask them, We're just doing a quick survey. How are you feeling about yourself today? And you know, Good, Bad, Indifferent, They would kind of say how they were feeling. And what they found was a really, Really high correlation between the people that were told you're in, Feeling really good about themselves, Feeling really happy, Having a great day, Everything seems to be going great, Not sure why, Just feel really good. And then the people that were told you're out, Not feeling good about themselves, Not really sure why. Something's not feeling right today. I'm just not feeling good today. Really translating as a stranger, Simply pointing randomly saying you're in or you're out, Having such an impact on us as to whether we can feel good about ourselves or feel bad about ourselves. But in either case, Of course, We know they're fleeting. We know the feelings are fleeting. Because how we're feeling about ourselves at one moment versus another is always changing. But we're very drawn to the unworthy view. We're very drawn to that. We see that when we get compliments, How quick we are when someone says, Oh, You're such a good person. And we go, Oh, No, No, No, I'm not. You don't know all the things that I've done. I'm not a good person. We're so quick to deflect on that, Because we don't really understand ourselves that we are complex beings. We are complex. We're not binary. We're not good or bad, Worthy or unworthy. We are contradictions. We are kind, And we are generous, And we can also be stingy, And we can be unkind. And depending upon the causes and conditions and the seeds that get watered depends on what's arising. And so the more that we look at this through the lens of spirituality, Not trying to increase our self-esteem, Again, Making our feeling of worthiness dependent on the external world, But to move away from that by seeing the reality that how I see myself is always changing. And the more that I can understand that, And that when I have, When we all experience that sting of someone giving us a disparaging look of criticizing us, Criticizing who we are, Criticizing our behavior, Something we've done, The more that we can recognize that and think, I don't want to keep propelling this narrative of unworthiness. I don't want to keep coming up with strategies to deal with this. I want a solution. So if in any way I'm trying to suppress this, If any way I'm trying to fix this in the external world, I know I'm coming up with short-term strategies that are not solutions. That the solution is really seeing, The solution is coming in and feeling the hurt. It should hurt. It should hurt. It should be a sting, Right? To come in and feel it. Because again, When we come in and feel it, We can get to those deeper layers then of, Yes, There's this fear. You can see that little six-year-old girl that was still sitting on the, You know, In the playground that hadn't gotten picked for the dodgeball team or the baseball team or something. And you can be with that little girl then and say, It's okay, Sweetheart. It's okay. You're okay. I'm here with you. It's okay. Right? Or, Or remembering just a time that you were rejected or that you failed at something. And maybe even seeing that. And at that time, Probably not dealing with the hurt in a healthy, Skillful way. So taking that opportunity now to be with it, To breathe into it and to say, You've got my full attention. I'm here for you. I'm here for you. So I think that the more that we do this, The more that we acknowledge it's going to happen. Everyone on the planet gets criticized. All you have to do, In fact, Just an interesting exercise. Think of your favorite books and go on Amazon. And even though you'll see there's like a 4. 8 or 4. 7, 4. 8, Let's say reviews, If there's enough reviews, Then go look at the one-star reviews. And you can see like, Oh my God, How could someone say that? This was my favorite book, My favorite spiritual book. Everyone gets criticized. No one escapes criticism. And no one escapes not having someone dislike us. There's always going to be someone. Not everyone can like us. So the solution isn't to say, Well, I'm just always going to be extra nice and kind and that way no one will ever judge me or no one will ever criticize me. Doesn't matter how nice and kind you are. Someone will even find fault with that. The solution is to recognize this is a part of life. It is definitely a part of the world that we live in today with this huge number of relationships that we have that we didn't have when we were in tribes, As many relationships. So it is a part of life, And we need to have solutions that bring us to freedom, Not strategies that just propel the ego narrative that we're unworthy. Right? Because this is what compassion and kindness and care is, Is coming in and being with our hurt feelings. And every time that we do that, Every time we explore our feelings, The physical sensations, Not the stories, Every time we feel what's going on, What you find so much is that there's always something a little bit more underlying there. Right? You can start to get to what's really there. Oh, It is still that hurt from when I was six or seven or nine or 10 or 13. Wow, It's still there. I need to really come in and feel this. I've been, It's been 50 odd years, I need to come in and feel this now. Right? Because that is where the freedom is, Not in expecting that people won't be, Will always like us, But in recognizing sometimes people won't. But I can always be kind to myself. I can always comfort myself. I can always be compassionate with myself. And in that way, We take every one of these situations, When it happens, Like we don't go out seeking it, But it will happen. And we transform that sting into compassion and kindness and wisdom. That's our practice. Right? This is where real kindness and compassion come in. When we really need to comfort ourselves, When we need to be with the sting, With the hurt, And deal with all of the old hurts that have not been dealt with, That it's time for them to be dealt with. It's time for us to acknowledge them.

Reviews

Thank you for this compassionate reminder ❣️🙏

So much wisdom and compassionate understanding. I feel years of unhappiness fading as I listen. Thank you 🙏 for this beautiful teaching

Thank you so much!

I interesting about not everyone is going to like us and the sting of rejection and what’ is beneath that. Thank you. Very insightful

Having a moment with my daughter. TY for this lesson.