The Difference Between Preference And Grasping

In this excerpt from the Q&A of our Sangha meeting, we explore the difference between preferences and grasping and why grasping is what creates suffering. There is nothing wrong with having preferences. We naturally prefer comfort over discomfort, ease over difficulty, a cool room over a hot one. The problem begins when the mind believes: “This is going to complete me.”
Or: “I can’t be okay unless life goes my way.”

That's where the suffering begins.

This track is from a live event.

Transcript

Your preference for something, One thing over another, You can't, You know, That's also part of conditioning, Whether you like something or you don't like something. It's not that we would have less preferences, It's that there would be less grasping at what it is that we like and less pushing back on what it is that we don't like because the understanding that there is no one here that is going to be complete by that preference. Like if you have your favorite meal and oh my god I can't wait to get my favorite meal and it's going to be so amazing right and all this grasping and all this thinking about my favorite meal right and then you get there and you have the favorite meal and it's over and all we've done is reinforce the sense that there's a me that's going to be so ecstatic when it gets this, It's going to be so complete when it gets this meal. But look at all the different ways that that could turn out. Maybe you get to the restaurant and they're out of that. And then people have a meltdown, Oh my God, I can't believe they, I'm never coming here again, Right? The outrage now that comes out because of the grasping at the preferences. Right? Or then the difference, If you're not grasping at it, Like, Yeah, You would prefer to have this versus that. And they say, Oh, We don't have it tonight. Oh, OK, No worries. Let's try something else. Because the preferences of what it is that we would like versus what we don't like, We can't decide what they are. But there is the belief that there's a little solid, Separate, Independent me that is going to be complete if it gets what it wants and it pushes away what it doesn't want. And so we start to see that, Oh, Yes, Oh, Yeah. You know, If you have the option for a comfortable bed versus a bed of nails, Take the comfortable bed, Right? We're not saying that we would take the the hard road for this because that's not helping in any way. But to recognize the grasping at it. I used this example a while back. This was like 25 years ago when I used to go back to Australia fairly regularly. And my brother-in-law in Australia had a ton of United Airlines miles. And I would buy the miles from him cheaply, Enough that I could have an upgrade to business class. On a wait list. And I cannot tell you the amount of suffering weeks before getting on the plane. And this would have been Actually, The first time, It was 2004, Was the first time he sold us the miles. So I guess there wasn't as much on the internet. There was the internet, Of course, But you'd have to call and you'd find out how many people on the waiting list, Where am I, Right? And it would be weeks up until like getting to the airport, Oh, Am I going to get the upgrade? Am I not going to get the upgrade? The suffering that I would go through, Whether or not I would get the upgrade or not. Now, Sometimes I got the upgrade, Sometimes I didn't get the upgrade. But the suffering beforehand was horrible. And even the time then I would get to Sydney, Let's say I got the upgrade, I'd arrive in Sydney, You know, Oh, It was great, I got the little pod, I got to lie down, It was great, Right? Enjoy it, No problem. And at the time when I was working in finance, Yes, I could afford it. And I was getting the miles fairly cheaply. As soon as I would arrive in Sydney, I'd get off the plane and I'd immediately be thinking, I hope I get the upgrade on the way back. I better get the upgrade on the way back. And so, Again, The preference was, Yes, I would like the upgrade, Right? If that's the option, I was going to take the upgrade. But the grasping at it that there was a me that was going to be devastated if I didn't get the upgrade or a me that was going to be ecstatic if I did get the upgrade, The reality of the me that was here was suffering for weeks at a time, And literally suffering on the holiday as well. I'd be visiting my sisters, Visiting my family, And the whole, Oh, Let me call and check. Let me see where I am on the waiting list, Right? And so it was just so much suffering. It was so much suffering. So the preferences, Ruth, And I'm so glad you brought that up because I think that's a difficult one for us where we think I shouldn't have any preferences. Like, You're gonna have preferences, Right? I would prefer, You know. I use this example all the time. I would prefer a Diet Coke over a Diet Pepsi. In fact, I wouldn't even have a Diet Pepsi if that was the option. But if I don't get it, That's fine. The Diet Coke wasn't going to complete me. But yeah, That would be my preference. Yeah. So I think the difference, And what I've found the difference here, Has been the grasping, The grasping at it. I mean, Even today, Actually, It's a very cloudy day today. And I'm fully on solar. I'm off grid. I haven't turned my generator on in a long time. So I went to go turn it on a while ago, Thinking, Oh, I'm supposed to turn it on fairly regularly, And I just don't. And it didn't turn on, Because the battery was dead. And then I had a friend come over, And he had something, But his thing wasn't fully charged to get the battery going. And so, Yeah, That might have an effect on whether I can run the AC later or not, Right? And, And the fact is, I can't control like, Yes, My friend's going to come back later. And we're going to try and get the generator going. If we don't, And I would prefer as it's hot here, Even with the clouds to have the air conditioning going. But if it's not going, I'm not going to die. I'll be okay, I will survive, I will be okay. And so yes, There's a preference that yes, If I can get the generator going, But there's not this grasping at it, Right? Or even the beating myself up, You knew you should have run the generator more often, Meredith. Like I know that's the consequences, I don't do it. I don't do it as often as I should. And just because you're supposed to do that to keep the batteries going. And I don't do it as often as I should. I should be doing it. And so there's no beating myself up for it, It's just the consequences might be that I might be sleeping with a wet towel on me tonight because that's the way I can stay cool. If I can't run the air conditioner. So yes, I have a preference that it would be cool, But I'm not gonna have a meltdown. I'm not gonna feel like, Oh my God, And I can't believe I did this, And how can I prevent this from ever happening again? I mean, Yeah, I might think, Yeah, Run the generator a little more often. Especially as we're getting into the heat of summer right now. And maybe I will. Maybe I will run it a little bit more. But it's the difference is the grasping at, Oh, My God, I'm only going to be okay if it can be, You know, If I can run the air conditioning or I'm, Oh, My God, I can't believe I didn't do this. I can't believe it isn't working, This stupid generator that needs to be run all the time, Right? All of that. Is absent. And that's the suffering.

Reviews

I appreciate that you made this separate talk answering Ruth’s question. such a good explanation and reminder of the difference between grasping and preferences 😊🌹🤍♥️🌹🤍♥️🌹🤍♥️🌹😊

Helpful words. Thank you! It isn’t going to complete me.