So our story begins with Rabbi Zusha,
Who was on his deathbed.
And Rabbi Zusha was a kind and humble and honest man,
A pillar of his community,
A leader,
A well-respected,
A righteous man.
And his most faithful students were with him as he was on his deathbed,
And they asked him,
Rabbi,
How are you feeling as you are coming close to death?
And the rabbi said,
Well,
To be honest,
I'm not doing so well.
I'm fearing,
Facing God.
I fear that I will be found insufficient and that I will be judged harshly.
And students are shocked.
And how can this be?
They're like,
Rabbi,
You are a pure and righteous rabbi.
You have led your life with the leadership of Abraham,
The courage of Jacob,
The vision of Moses,
The moral fortitude of the greatest prophets.
How can you be fearing,
Facing God?
And the rabbi says,
I don't fear that God will ask me,
Why was I not Abraham or Moses?
For I have neither the God-given talents of Abraham nor the qualities of Moses.
What I fear is that God will ask me,
Zusha,
Why weren't you more like Zusha?
And for that,
I will have no answer.
And like all great teachers,
Even on their deathbeds,
Leaving students with the wisdom to live their lives fully,
To be who we are.
Because our task is not to be someone else.
It's to be who we are.
It's to embrace fully who we are.
That the whole purpose of this life is to be who we are,
With our flaws,
With our imperfections,
With our gaffes,
With our challenges,
Right?
Not just the good conditions,
Not just the praise,
The accolades,
The success,
But to be fully who we are,
To be all of it.
So we spend so much of our lives chasing this idealized version of me,
A more perfect me,
A more polished me,
A more spiritual me,
A more pious me.
And what we end up doing is missing the me that is here right now.
And most of us do not realize this until we are on our deathbed.
Because suddenly there's no more images for me to imagine I could be.
Time has run out.
And the sudden realization,
I was never going to be any of those images,
I was only ever going to be me.
And I missed the whole thing.
I missed the uniqueness of this experience of who I am.
The ride that Meredith is,
All the unique experiences that are being had here,
That each and every one of us have unique experiences making us uniquely us,
Interdependent,
Interconnected,
Arising interdependently,
But a unique viewpoint,
Right?
Our task isn't to be someone else,
It's not,
I can't be Monica,
I can't be Thomas,
I can't be Mary,
I can't be Richard,
I can't be the Buddha,
I can't be Jesus,
I can't be Tara Brock,
I can't be Sharon Salzberg.
I can only be Meredith.
And to even that,
Even when we're bringing it here to recognize,
I can only be Meredith in the present moment.
To really fully embrace who we are in this moment,
How we are arising in this moment.
We throw around a lot,
The word inclusivity.
And we should be inclusive,
Of course,
We should be inclusive of everyone.
But how inclusive are we of our own experience?
We're willing to take the good,
We're not willing to look at the,
Relatively speaking,
The unworthy parts of our lives,
The doubts,
The things that we wish we hadn't done,
The anger,
The disappointment,
The guilt,
The shame,
The jealousy,
The comparing,
The judging.
And we imagine that in some way,
We shouldn't be experiencing any of these things,
Right?
And so we know this is part of our practice,
Right?
This is our mindfulness practice,
To be aware of what it is that we're experiencing,
Right?
If it's just something small,
Just,
Oh,
I see you,
Mara,
Right?
I see that little disappointment,
I see you,
Anger,
I see you,
Jealousy,
Actually,
Always just I see you,
Coming in and feeling,
Breathing,
Being with our experience,
Not pushing it away,
Not saying,
I shouldn't be feeling this,
But really fully being with our experience,
No matter what it is that's arising,
Right?
If self-compassion,
If it is a little heavier,
Of course,
We bring some self-compassion,
You know,
To the embarrassment,
The jealousy,
The comparing,
Right?
We open our hearts,
Right?
It's okay to be here,
It's okay to feel this,
It's okay to feel what we're feeling,
Right?
To even embrace jealousy,
I give you my full attention,
You're here,
Not the story,
That's not being with it,
Right?
The story is not being with it,
Once we've identified and we've come into our body,
Feeling it,
Embracing it,
Not saying,
This is a part of me that shouldn't exist,
Because it is,
It's arising in this moment,
It's not permanent,
It's not solid,
It's not inherently you,
But it's part of you in that moment,
Don't push it away,
Embrace it,
Open your heart to it,
Right?
This is what we're trying to do,
To not push away our experience and not to spend our lives trying to always get to the next experience,
Because we're always,
We're chasing happiness in the next moment,
A happier me in the next moment,
As though somehow I'll get there,
The happier me,
You know,
We imagine once we get there,
We will be eternally happy,
But all we're doing is we keep just jumping over mundane moments,
Unpleasant moments,
Trying to get to a happier me,
And when we get there,
All we do is want to jump again,
Because we don't even know how to be happy in the moment,
Our idea of happiness is grasping at happiness,
We don't even know how to feel it,
Right?
We're so excited,
We don't know what to do with it,
Right?
We can't contain ourselves,
Give me a drink,
I need something,
I need to tell someone,
We don't even know how to come in and feel like,
Wow,
That was some good news,
Can I just be with it here before I share with someone else?
Can I just feel it?
Because this is good,
But our whole lives,
We're always jumping over,
We're jumping over the mundane,
We're jumping over the unpleasant,
Trying to get to this version of me that's going to be happier in the future,
A different me,
Not me,
But a different me.
And this is what our mindfulness practice is teaching us,
Is how to be me in this moment,
To slow down a little bit,
To notice that momentum that is just so,
Such a constant momentum of always chasing,
Right?
We're doing the dishes and we're already on to the next thing and just noticing it,
No judgment,
Right?
Mindfulness is no judgment,
Just noticing our experience,
Oh,
I can see him,
It's already on to the next thing.
There's a me,
I think,
In the future that's going to be happy and therefore the me that's here cannot be happy because I don't even notice the me that's here,
I'm so believing in the imaginary me in the future.
And so to come back,
Right,
Oh,
I noticed it,
No judgment,
That's what was arising in this moment,
Old habits,
Patterns playing out,
No problem,
Breathe,
Come back,
Pay attention to what you're doing,
If you're doing the dishes,
Feel the soapy water,
Do your best,
Right?
Always doing our best in the mundane moments is such a good way for us to really be present,
Right?
We're always thinking,
No,
There's a me over there that can only experience the happy moments,
Not the mundane moments.
The mundane moments make up most of our lives.
If we take the mundane moments and then the unpleasant moments,
That is overwhelmingly the majority of our lives.
So what are we doing?
This offer,
This little bit of cream on top to always try and get there and then even when we get there,
Not even really knowing how to be with it because all we know how to do is grasp at a future me,
Not really being me.
So slowing down,
Being mindful,
Being aware,
Bringing ourselves back into our experience,
Being aware in the mundane moments,
Doing our best,
Doing our best.
I have a talk on that on my teacher's page,
I think it's called Leaning into Contentment,
That whatever you're doing,
Do your best so that you're present,
You're seeing,
You're hearing,
You're feeling,
You're eating,
You're tasting,
You're smelling,
You're here,
Your experience is here,
You're fully here doing your best in this moment.
Even if it's something you're feeling sad,
You're feeling angry,
You're feeling discouraged,
You're disappointed,
You're doubting yourself,
Whatever it is that's going on,
To really be here with it,
To not push it away.
As much as we say this,
I know there's still this,
Always there's this little bit of trying to push away the unpleasant,
To open ourselves to what's here,
To breathe,
To accept it,
To surrender to what's here.
It won't last,
Everything's always changing,
But it's who we are in this moment,
That's how we are arising,
Always changing,
Interdependent,
Interconnected,
Previous conditions,
Old habits and patterns still playing,
Getting triggered,
Working their way out,
It's like,
Ah,
That's what's arising.
Not to deny who I am in this moment,
Because I can only be me if I'm happy,
I can only be me if I'm getting what I want,
If I'm getting praised,
If I'm having the success,
Because I won't be me then either,
I have to be with me here now,
Whatever it is that's arising,
To open my heart to whatever it is that's here,
Oh shame you're here,
You're here sweetheart,
I have not given you my attention before,
Have I?
Let me give you my full attention now,
Let me hold you here in my heart,
In my feelings,
Let me make space for you,
Right?
Let me be with you,
Not the story of shame,
But the feelings,
Embracing it,
It's okay to feel this,
You can be here as long as you need to,
Right?
Notice how we change our experience when we open ourselves to it,
Not denying any part of us,
Not hating any part of us,
But embracing every part of us,
Because we are simply the result of causes and conditions,
And why would we hate any part of us?
But to welcome and open it,
Open to it,
Be with it,
Surrender to it,
To accept it,
So that we can fully be here,
Who we are,
We cannot be who we are if we are always living in our heads,
And imagining that there's somewhere out there,
That there's a future me that's going to be happier.
But in the accepting of who I am in this moment,
Whatever it is that's arising,
Even again just the,
Oh my God,
The exciting news,
But just,
Ah,
This is what's here,
Because even that contraction starts to loosen,
If it's an unpleasant,
The heaviness goes away,
Right?
There's a sense of peace and ease in our experience,
Because we realize this is,
Whatever is arising is changing,
It's just,
This is who I am in this moment,
Let me embrace every part of me,
My flaws and my mistakes,
My incompetency as well as my competency,
You know,
My talents as well as my weirdness,
We all have a little something strange about us,
Right?
That's what makes us uniquely us,
Right?
I think there's some artist that he always or she always makes a little mistake in each painting,
Which is like,
Ah,
That's what makes it unique,
It's what makes us unique.
Too many people are walking around not liking themselves,
And imagining that somehow I'm going to catch up to this version of me,
This idealized version of me and find this eternal happiness.
You're never going to find it,
Because it was never out there,
It was accepting who you are in this moment,
It's being with who you are in this moment,
Allowing yourself to arise as you are in that moment,
With wisdom,
With mindfulness,
With compassion,
And flowing and changing and just being so mindful,
Being so aware of that tendency,
That momentum,
That little bit,
I can just get over there,
There'll be a happier me over there,
Just notice it,
There you are again Mara,
I see you,
I see you,
I see you,
Come back,
Breathe,
Keep being back here.
Our task is not to be someone else,
And it's not to be some future idealized version of ourselves,
It's to be who we are right now,
To really enjoy the ride of who you are,
That's the gift that each of us has been given,
Of Lotus,
Of Thomas,
Of Monica,
Of Libby,
Of Philippa,
Of Kara,
Every single one of us,
We have this gift of being who we are,
To not deny that gift,
It's rather rude,
We should appreciate it and care for it and love those parts of us that need healing,
Because a lot of us need healing as well,
Love those parts of us,
And when we're having a tough day,
We're having a tough day,
Don't imagine you'd be happier if you were someone else,
Because someone else has tough days too,
Everybody has tough days,
It's part of life,
The wisdom is in accepting,
Yeah okay,
Meredith is having this challenge today,
How can I best be with it,
I can accept it,
If I have a little bit time and I can just pause and breathe and be with what's here,
Right,
If I have to move a little bit quickly,
You know,
I don't have that time,
Okay,
Still breathe and be with what's here,
Noticing any pushing it away and going this is what's arising,
It's not going to be like this forever,
It's a little bit unpleasant,
It's okay,
It's okay,
It's okay sweetheart,
It's not going to be like this forever,
To be our own best friend,
To really appreciate,
To embrace ourselves in a way that appreciates the uniqueness that makes up every one of us,
To not wait until we get to our deathbed to realize,
Oh there was,
I was never going to catch up to that future me,
To be mindful now,
To be mindful now,
To be who you are now and to just keep catching that tendency and keep coming back and just keep coming back and begin again and begin again and begin again,
Be kind to yourself,
Appreciate the life that you have,
You cannot have any other life,
All that will happen is you will miss the ride of this life and that would be a tragedy,
That's the story that Rabbi Zusha was trying to pass on to his students,
So we can take that story to heart and not fear that we weren't ourselves,
But to be brave enough to be ourselves in every moment,
To love ourselves enough to be who we are.
