Class 6 | How Judging Others Quietly Hurts Us
Judging others often feels automatic and harmless, yet it quietly shapes how we relate to ourselves. In this talk, we explore how judging the person (not the behavior) cuts us off from empathy, feeling, and connection, reinforcing the illusion of separation. When judgment softens, clarity returns — and with it, a deeper sense of peace. Please note: This track was recorded live.
Transcript
We are up to the fourth mantra,
Peace is not judging.
And we have seen really throughout this whole series a lot of this mind movement of judging.
When we are judging something as good and then we're chasing after it thinking all of our happiness is in that good thing.
Or when we are judging something as bad and we're resisting that thing.
Or even in comparing,
When we make the comparing an identity about ourselves,
A lot of self-judgment that's coming in.
So we actually have seen a lot of judging already throughout this series.
And it really what it shows is there's a lot of overlap in these mind movements.
That judging is resisting.
And I talked about that in the beginning how it's these two main mind movements,
The chasing and the resisting,
The wanting and the not wanting.
Everything falls underneath of these two main mind movements.
And yet so we could be chasing something,
You know,
Comparing ourselves,
Wanting something what someone else has,
Resisting what we have,
Judging ourselves in that moment and then of course the comparing that started it.
So we can have all these mind movements going at once.
And yet we have a mantra for each one because each one is an insight into what's really going on.
And sometimes when the mind just gets so busy and all these things are happening and we're not really clear,
It's just kind of finding that one thread,
It's like we might be judging but we're just we're noticing the resistance of the judging.
And so whatever thread we can pull that helps us then bring in some mindfulness so that we can really look and see what's going on,
It's like great,
Whichever one you're able to identify at that moment,
That's your hook into really pulling yourself out of the suffering of that mind movement and seeing what's going on.
So,
Like all of the mind movements,
The judging also has its place in that it's useful for us and it evolved for survival,
For us to be able to have this very fast,
Very reflexive way of judging situations,
Of judging people,
Trying to determine is this safe or dangerous,
Is it nourishing,
Is it nurturing moving towards something or should I be moving away,
Is it toxic?
So very helpful for us to be able to make quick snap judgments about whether something is safe or not.
And yet the judging that we are doing today is not so much about survival as it is a feeling maybe threatened about our identity or about some control or just even more commonly where we're just judging differences or judging just a little bit of discomfort that we're feeling.
Like when we just look at someone and we think,
Oh,
They look really weird,
Right?
We just judge them so quickly,
They look different than us or we're judging a situation and we're like,
This is really bad,
You know,
I don't like this situation,
I'm uncomfortable.
And so every time we do this,
Every time we judge something,
Every time we put that label on a person,
On a situation,
Our brain is doing everything it can to find information that supports that view and it will filter out anything that is not supporting that view.
And so we can get really locked into a view simply because of the judgment that we have just reflexively put on a situation that we've put on a person.
And it's where this phrase comes from where it's really important to make good first impressions because the first impression people have of us or when we're having a first impression of someone else is usually the one that sticks.
So whether we're judging someone good or bad or trustworthy or untrustworthy,
Whatever judgment we tend to come up with in the beginning is the one we tend to get locked into.
And I think we all can have a familiar example of this.
Sometime in our past when we were dating and we started dating someone and we were like,
Oh my gosh,
This person is the best thing ever,
They're the greatest,
They don't do anything wrong and,
You know,
And it's the desire,
Right?
And we talked about that in the first class and we're putting all the feathers on them,
They're so perfect,
They don't,
You know,
They're the one for me.
And even as the feathers start falling off and the behavior,
You know,
The flags are there,
The red flags are there,
We keep rationalizing it and saying,
Oh,
They're stressed or I don't think they really mean it and I'm sure they're going to change that,
That's not who they really are until eventually enough red flags pile up and we have to acknowledge my first judgment was not correct.
And so we do this all the time,
We do it in relationships,
We make it in purchases,
We do it in investment decisions,
We're doing it all the time,
We make this snap judgment and we kind of narrow something down to this one fixed view and then just filter anything else out that doesn't conform to that view.
And the real price that we pay for this that I think we're completely unaware of is how when we are judging other people,
The effect that it is really having on us.
So when we judge another person,
It can just be something little,
Just,
Oh,
They look a little different,
They're talking too loudly on their phone,
It can be a situation that we don't like,
It can build up into something,
Someone that's really done some harm,
Maybe they've betrayed us,
Maybe they've lied to us.
And while I wouldn't deny at all,
In fact,
I would emphasize that we can clearly judge behavior and identify when it's time to set a boundary to end a relationship with someone.
But the moment we start judging the person,
The moment we put this fixed identity,
This thing on them,
This label on someone is the moment we start dehumanizing them.
We no longer see them as a living,
Feeling human being,
As a human being that has fears and worries and hopes and desires and insecurities and doubts just like us.
Because that label really,
It puts them in a category and it objectifies them.
And so every time we judge the person,
When we dehumanize them,
When we close our hearts to them,
We are also closing our hearts to ourselves.
We are dehumanizing ourselves.
Because the same system,
The same process that allows us to have empathy for others is what allows us to have empathy for ourselves.
To be able to sense our feelings,
To feel our feelings,
To be with discomfort,
Same process,
Different directions,
One's outward,
One's inward,
But the same thing.
And so we imagine though that this is like an on-off switch that we can compartmentalize somehow,
Our judging others and then being able to feel ourselves that we can flip the switch off for empathy when we're judging another person because they deserve it,
Right?
We justify it in our minds,
No,
No,
No,
They deserve our judgment.
And then we think we can turn it back on when it's time to have empathy for ourselves,
When it's time to have warmth for ourselves,
When it's time to have compassion for ourselves.
But how we are relating outwardly is how we are training to relate to ourselves inwardly.
And so in judging others,
When we call them bad,
When we call them a jerk,
When we call them an idiot,
When we call them stupid,
Of course first that judgment can easily turn on us.
I'm an idiot,
I'm so stupid,
I can't believe I did that.
And then in our moment of self-judgment,
When we're feeling badly about ourselves,
We're not able to have empathy for ourselves.
We're not able to come in and feel what's here,
To embrace our feelings,
To open with curiosity to what's here.
Because in all the judging of others,
We have been training ourselves away from empathy,
From feeling,
From sensing what's here.
And I know when we talk about this with mindfulness,
And I've said this many,
Many times,
Not just through this series,
But in many Dharma talks,
The hardest part of our practice,
And I saw this in my own practice,
I see this as a teacher,
The hardest part,
The part that people struggle with the most,
Is actually feeling our feelings.
We're good at naming what's happening,
Recognizing what's happening,
Rationalizing,
Explaining away what's happening,
And thinking that we're practicing mindfulness.
When we find ourselves comparing ourselves to someone else,
And then we start rationalizing it by saying,
Well,
No,
I have so much,
So I should really feel good about what I've got,
Right,
Using,
So Alice,
Using your term here from the other week,
You know,
Gratitude band-aid,
Right,
Not real gratitude at all.
But we're rationalizing it,
Right,
And we think,
Oh,
I'm practicing mindfulness.
But in fact,
We're not coming in and feeling what was it,
What unmet need,
What wound is it that we're carrying around,
That was fueling the comparing in the first place,
Or the resisting,
Or the jealousy,
Or the envy,
Or the regret,
Or the resentment.
What is it in here that we're feeling that isn't being acknowledged?
Because if we cannot come in and feel what's here,
It's going to keep coming out in other ways.
I mean,
One week,
It'll come out as comparing,
The next week,
It's going to come out as resentment,
The week after that,
It's going to come out as regret.
And each time we keep staying up in the head,
Intellectualizing,
Oh,
I named it,
I rationalized it,
I explained it away.
But we never got to the feeling inside that was really needing our attention.
We keep it all at a very intellectual level.
It's almost like we read the label on the medicine bottle,
But then we don't take the medicine.
And so,
In this challenge that we have here in feeling our feelings,
I'm not suggesting that it's all related to judging,
Because of course,
There's traumas,
And there's conditioning of how we were brought up,
And there's all sorts of reasons.
But judging does seem to be a practice that we are actively training ourselves away from empathy,
Actively training ourselves away from feeling.
And in the research around self-compassion,
And a lot of the research that Kristen Neff has done,
What she found was a very strong correlation,
Not causation,
But a very strong correlation between,
And this is self-reported,
People self-reporting that they judge themselves harshly,
That they judge other people harshly,
And their inability to come in and feel their own feelings.
We are a very disembodied culture.
We don't know how to come in.
Not only do we not know how to come in and feel,
We have been actively training against it.
And from a Buddhist perspective,
When we judge others,
When we see people as different than us,
As me over here,
And you over there,
It feeds into this illusion of separateness,
Of not seeing how interconnected and interdependent we all are.
Instead,
We see others as objects,
Right?
Separate.
And then we see ourselves in the same way.
And what this really cuts off in us is this feeling of wholeness,
Of belonging,
Of connection.
Because it's not just that you're separate and over there.
I am also separate over here.
And this is where this kind of existential feeling of almost despair,
Of loneliness,
Of not belonging,
Of being unworthy,
Where it keeps getting fueled in this illusion of separateness that we all keep feeding into in many ways,
But judging being a really big way that we feed into this.
And it is a horrible feeling.
And I know,
And I will share,
And I remembered this feeling recently when I found myself judging someone.
It was a situation where someone,
Someone who I would have some email exchanges with,
We'd sometimes exchange some things on WhatsApp.
And they had emailed me recently,
And it was really aggressive what this person had written in their email.
And I realized in that moment,
I'm like,
You know,
This was really passive aggressive.
Like,
This is just,
This is not a healthy relationship.
And it also,
I could look back at some of the other emails and realize like,
Man,
He's actually been doing this for some time.
It's rather,
It's not healthy.
And so in thinking about,
You know,
What am I going to say to him because I'm going to,
I want to end this relationship.
I mean,
It's just a friendship,
But I,
I thought it was a friendship.
But in thinking about,
Okay,
I've got to say something to him.
As I was thinking about it,
It very quickly went from judging his behavior to judging him.
Whereas it started out in my mind,
You know,
This isn't healthy behavior.
This isn't something I want to be around.
Then it started turning into,
He's passive aggressive.
He would never speak to a man this way.
He's a misogynist.
He's being a jerk.
And then I noticed this,
Just this feeling like it just kind of this closing in feeling,
The contraction,
The contraction that I always talk about.
Like we always feel that contraction and the tightness and that feeling like,
Like feeling threatened in that moment because I've got to set a boundary with this person.
And it was the setting the boundary was fine,
But it was when I started judging him that things started going south.
And so the mindfulness comes in,
Right?
Okay,
Finally,
I'm recognizing what's here.
It's the judging.
Here it is.
Here it is.
Allowing the feelings,
Right?
Really being with the feelings.
This is the judging.
It's okay.
It's okay to feel.
We don't ever want to judge ourselves for judging.
It's,
It's part of our conditioning.
So we're never judging ourselves for judging.
So I allowed the feelings here.
And as I was then inquiring,
Because as I've said,
Throughout this series,
We are never upset for the reason we think,
You know,
And kind of looking really through that lens of we're never upset for the reason we think and questioning what else is here,
What else is here.
Of course,
There was hurt here,
Right?
There was disappointment here.
But what I also found that I was,
I had disappointment for myself because I was also starting to beat myself up.
How could I have allowed this to happen?
Why did I not see this before?
Why did I let him continue to speak to me this way?
And in allowing that feeling of the disappointment that I even just had for myself and saying,
That's okay.
And there's room for you to,
There's room for you to,
Yeah,
Not to judge it,
But to acknowledge it,
Right?
And into feeling it that way and nurturing it that way,
Because we're welcoming and bringing everything in.
So again,
The physical sensations,
We're just saying,
It's okay that you're here.
It's okay that you're here.
Yeah,
Sweetheart.
Yeah.
You got a little caught off guard.
No problem,
Right?
And so in talking kindly to,
To myself and having compassion and,
And feeling what was here,
The empathy was here.
And when the empathy was here for myself,
I was then able to extend the empathy to him because he is a living,
Feeling human being,
And he has his flaws just like I've had.
I have my flaws,
Right?
No one is perfect.
And so it enabled me to be able to let go of the judging him.
And it was like,
Like taking off a backpack that weighed a hundred pounds.
Oh,
Thank goodness.
Thank goodness.
It's gone.
That feeling that I,
That something's wrong with me,
That feeling of disconnection of not feeling whole.
It was,
It was all gone because I was putting that in there through the judging.
I was creating the sense of separation through the judging and all of that was gone.
And there was this sense of just,
Oh yes,
I can be with this and I can have this conversation now.
I can talk to this person without judging him,
But letting him know how hurtful his words were and how because of this,
I don't want to engage with him anymore.
This isn't a healthy relationship.
And so it's in bringing,
When we use the RAIN acronym,
When we use mindfulness in this way,
In bringing the empathy and the,
The nurturing to ourselves,
We start to see the other human being as a human being again.
And we don't have to say,
Well,
I forgive them.
I don't have to like them,
But I can acknowledge they're a real human being too.
And that sense of separation then dissolves.
Dissolves.
And of course,
When we're getting stuck in the judging,
What's happening in there,
We're looking for a solution.
The more that we judge a person,
If I just keep calling them names,
If I just keep telling myself why this shouldn't be happening,
Why they shouldn't have spoken to me this way,
Somewhere I'm going to find a solution here,
But we're never going to find a solution.
It's just going to lead to more and more judging.
So the freedom is in seeing that,
In fact,
They are a human being just like me.
They want to be loved and accepted and included just like me.
And this is what,
You know,
Whether we're using the RAIN acronym,
We're using self-compassion,
We're breathing mindfully,
Maybe we're using loving kindness when it comes to a difficult person.
And I often recommend that meditation.
It's doing the same thing.
It's trying to help us let go of the story of what we've told ourselves about this person,
Putting them into one little fixed identity box,
Making,
Turning them into an object.
And instead seeing them as a real human being that has flaws and has feelings and hopes,
You know,
Just like us.
And that we can still then act with wisdom and compassion and do what we need to do to end the relationship,
Set a boundary,
Keep a little bit or maybe put some space between us and the other person.
But we don't do it with a closed heart.
So we're not cutting off the empathy to ourselves either.
So when we're saying this mantra,
Peace is not judging,
We're bringing more awareness to the ways in which judging cuts us off from feeling.
And we might notice then that we're in a,
You know,
We're in line at the supermarket.
And just that habitual,
It's just,
It's a habit,
Don't judge yourself for it,
Because the conditioning in our culture is very strong for judging.
We just start judging the person in front of us and could just be we're in the 10 items or less checkout lane and we happen to see they have 12 items and we know how quickly we judge them and then think what kind of horrible human being for having 12 items in the 10 items or less checkout lane.
But with the awareness of the mantra,
With peace is not judging,
Using it in our meditation,
Saying it over and over,
Right,
And then we can notice in that moment,
The contraction and the distance and the seeing this person is not a real human being in that moment.
Wow,
Look at what is arising through judging this person right now for something for a crime of 12 items in the 10 items or less checkout lane,
Right?
And we don't judge ourselves for it,
But we notice it,
We might even have a little kind of giggled to ourselves about how quickly it happens,
Right?
Just a little laugh at like at ourselves,
Right?
Oh my God,
It happens so fast.
Yeah,
It does.
It does.
And then as we remember,
Peace is not judging,
Peace is not judging,
Peace is not judging.
And then as we notice the judging dissolving,
And then in the absence of the judging,
The illusion of separateness also fades away.
And now this person a moment ago that we were considering an other,
An object separate from us,
Now we're seeing that in fact,
There's no separation between us at all,
That we are all arising interdependent,
Interconnected,
Right,
That we are all a part of this.
And it truly is we are seeing things more clearly in that moment,
Simply through the absence of the judging.
And it might even be someone maybe,
Maybe it's someone we don't like.
And I'm not suggesting that we need to like everyone,
That we need to love everyone,
Like that's not realistic.
But maybe you're around someone,
Maybe it's a colleague,
Maybe in your group of friends,
There's one person you just don't particularly like as much,
Like no judgment for that.
But then we can notice just when we're judging them.
And again,
Just all peace is not judging,
Peace is not judging.
And notice when the judging starts to fall away,
So does that sense of separation,
So does that sense of disconnection,
So does that sense of not being whole fall away.
And so we can be there with someone we don't even particularly care for,
Whatever habits or things that we don't particularly like about them,
In not judging them,
We feel whole.
We can even feel a sense of connection to them,
Someone that we don't like when we're not judging them.
And this is really what the Buddha is pointing to when he's saying,
You know,
Seeing the world clearly,
Seeing the world as it is,
Not that each of us are separate,
Separate little silos,
Separate independent beings,
But in fact,
That everything is arising interdependent,
Interconnected.
Everyone is the result of their countless causes and conditions,
Where they were born,
What kind of DNA they have,
What's their biology like,
What's the environment they grew up in,
Every interaction that they've ever had is giving rise to us in each moment.
And so when we look at the person that's having the meltdown at the Starbucks or in the airport,
And where everyone's standing around judging them,
We can have the wisdom to recognize,
You know,
There but go I for the grace of God,
There but go I for the grace of causes and conditions.
If I had all their causes and conditions,
Every single one of their causes and conditions,
I would be having that meltdown too.
Because we have no idea what people are going through.
We have no idea of the wounds that people are carrying around or the the weight of the world that they might be carrying on their shoulders,
The stress,
The sense of being overwhelmed,
The self-judgment that maybe they're enduring.
We have no idea of the conditions that people are experiencing.
And yet in that moment of judging,
We can label them down into one little thing.
And then we notice,
Oh,
Peace is not judging.
And then all of a sudden,
More possibilities open up.
I wonder what happened just before they had this meltdown.
Maybe they got some bad news.
Maybe this was just the final straw that broke the camel's back.
And while we can't know exactly what all of the conditions are,
We know that they exist.
We know that they exist.
When we are not acting our best,
When we are behaving badly,
Every single one of us,
It's not because we're feeling great inside.
It's not because everything is going our way.
It's that we've reached our limit.
And I'm not excusing anyone's behavior.
And of course,
Everyone,
You know,
We all feel the consequences of our actions.
I'm not excusing behavior.
What I'm saying is that when we judge another human being,
We are not seeing things clearly.
And in dehumanizing them,
We are dehumanizing ourselves.
In not having empathy for them,
We are having a lack of empathy for ourselves.
We are not seeing the world as it is.
We are seeing it through the lens of,
In Buddhist terminology,
Ignorance.
We are not seeing reality.
I mean,
Once we put that judgment on something,
It's very hard to see beyond it.
And so there's a story about two men that are walking towards a corner.
They're in a very busy city.
It's the evening,
And one's really rushing.
He's late for something.
And the other man's carrying some groceries,
And he's walking kind of slowly.
And as they come around the corner,
They run into each other,
And all the groceries go flying,
And it's a big mess.
The jar of tomato sauce cracks and breaks,
And tomato sauce everywhere.
And the man that was in a big rush,
He is ready to lay into the other guy.
He,
Oh,
You jerk,
You weren't looking where you were going.
You know,
You idiot.
Just before he opens his mouth,
He notices the long stick.
And then he notices that the man is wearing dark sunglasses in his evening.
And he realizes in that moment that he's blind.
And in seeing things clearly,
His anger immediately dissolves,
His judgment immediately dissolves,
And in its place is compassion.
And he immediately jumps to the other man.
Are you okay?
Let me help you.
We'll get this sorted out.
Don't worry.
Don't worry.
We'll fix it.
And that is seeing things clearly,
Right?
We can't always see it as obviously as someone is blind.
But we can know that when someone is acting badly,
There are conditions that we don't know about.
We can know that they are there.
And we can judge the behavior,
But we don't have to judge the person.
Because when we judge the person,
We close our hearts to them,
We dehumanize them,
And we close our hearts to ourselves,
We dehumanize ourselves.
So we're all still going to judge.
Let's be clear about that.
The conditioning has been very strong in our culture for judging.
So we don't want to judge ourselves for judging.
We want to be mindful of that.
But in recognizing the judging,
And the more that we bring our practices,
Our mindfulness,
Self-compassion,
Using love and kindness,
Where it's really sticky,
The story about the other person,
Really finding,
Using our tools in a way that releases us from the story,
That releases us from the judgment of the person,
So that we can start to see reality again,
That every time we do this,
And we're judging others less,
Then we also find that we are judging ourselves a lot less.
And so it really has this reciprocal,
Positive feedback.
When we catch ourselves judging others,
Just little things,
It doesn't matter.
We think it's so inconsequential,
That just,
Oh,
I'm just judging,
They look different than me,
Or they have a different lifestyle than me.
We think it's so inconsequential.
It's not.
It's not.
It's having a massive effect on us.
And it is having an effect on the other people as well.
People can tell when we're judging them.
And I think one of the most beautiful gifts that we can give to people is to not judge them,
To let them be who they are,
Let them live their lifestyle.
Because all of these conditions,
These countless,
Countless conditions that is giving each and every one of us a unique perspective,
Of course,
Is leading to countless different expressions of life.
Right?
And so it really,
It's more of an appreciation of understanding the reality of nature.
Yes,
They're having that expression.
And just as over here,
There's an expression in this way.
And if I can let them be who they are,
Then I can let myself be who I am.
I don't have to judge myself either.
So it does have this positive effect that we're judging ourselves a lot less.
And it doesn't mean that we don't act.
It doesn't mean that we can't,
You know,
We see things that are happening in the world.
We see things that,
You know,
Injustices or someone,
Someone else is being harmed.
It doesn't mean that we can't act in the world that,
Of course,
We do.
But we do it without judging the person.
We judge the behavior.
We judge the behavior.
And I think about if we look at the people that really inspire us,
Made big changes in the world.
Martin Luther King,
Mahatma Gandhi,
Nelson Mandela,
Right?
They could judge the injustice.
But they didn't judge the other people.
There was such wisdom there.
And I think it's interesting because Nelson Mandela,
When he came,
When he came out of prison,
He didn't come out resentful,
Vindictive.
He wanted to bring South Africa together.
And he worked very closely with the the final head of the apartheid state,
F.
W.
Kerkel or something was his name,
To bring South Africa together.
And while we always hear about Nelson Mandela getting the Nobel,
Thank you,
De Klerk,
While we always hear about Nelson Mandela getting the Nobel Peace Prize,
In fact,
It was jointly awarded to him and de Klerk.
Because they also recognized that this man had changed.
And he was now trying to bring South Africa together with Nelson Mandela.
And I doubt that could have happened if Nelson Mandela had judged him and impugned him.
He could see the injustice and fight against it.
But he didn't judge the people.
And I think there is a huge distinction there.
The people that we look up to are the ones that are able to act without hatred in their hearts,
Without anger in their hearts.
And I feel personally that we're acting more out of wisdom and compassion,
We're more able to bridge the gap when this happens.
I think it's also why it's so rare when something like this happens.
So we're not judging other people for judging.
We're not walking around on this path telling other people,
Oh,
You're judging,
You shouldn't be judging.
This is just for us to know.
This is not a proselytizing path.
And if we're judging others for judging and telling them they shouldn't be judging,
We're judging,
Right?
It's for us to know.
It's not for us to feel badly about ourselves for doing it.
It's part of the conditioning.
So we're in pieces not judging.
We're not pretending that everything's okay if it's not.
We're still able to discern behavior.
We're still able to set boundaries to take action,
Whatever is necessary.
But that we recognize that when we judge another human being,
When we dehumanize them,
When we lack empathy for them,
When we imagine they don't have feelings,
We are putting all of that on ourselves as well.
We can't compartmentalize our practice.
How we do one thing is how we do everything.
And so the more that we remember that peace is not judging,
Again,
Behavior,
Fine.
Situations,
Even in situations,
Don't,
You know,
Be cognizant of the fact that we're starting to lock some things in,
Try to be a little bit more,
Okay,
This maybe doesn't seem safe,
Or this isn't comfortable,
But what else is here?
Try to have a little,
You know,
Softness around it.
But in remembering that peace is not judging other people,
We find the freedom that we're looking for.
Because every time we walk around and we're seeing other people,
And we're interacting,
And we're having a lot of interactions,
And we're not judging them,
There is a sense of connection,
There's a sense of wholeness,
There's a sense of wonder,
Of mystery.
Oh,
They're having this experience over here,
There,
And there's an experience happening over here.
And there's just this quiet,
Like,
Almost kind of feeling the threads that hold us all together,
That really allows us to flow more easily with life,
To move more easily in life,
And to really feel that sense of wholeness,
That sense of connection,
That sense of belonging,
That is truly what we all want.
And the judging is taking us away from that.
The judging is what's always taking us away.
So,
Peace is not judging.
And just a reminder,
This isn't negative,
It's negation.
We're trying to see one of the way,
All of these ways,
That we are habitually taking ourselves away from the peace that is always here.
Okay,
I see there has been a lot of questions.
And thank you,
Alison and Philippa for kind of monitoring that.
So,
Yeah,
Peace is not judging,
Isn't it?
Yeah,
That's what I've been saying,
Peace is not judging.
Yeah.
And so,
Alice,
Great point.
And I'm going to get back,
Kimmy,
Because I saw you had a question.
Since you can't control the first thought that comes out of your brain,
If you have a judging thought,
Do I simply say judging,
So I don't beat myself up for having a judging thought?
Yeah.
And just as a great reminder,
None of us knows what our next thought's going to be.
None of us knows.
And so,
When the judging arises,
Ah,
Here it is,
Here's the judging.
Here it is.
This is the judging,
Right?
And so,
In the naming,
In the recognizing,
Here is the judging,
Right?
There is,
Hopefully through this talk,
A reminder,
Okay,
Not to go a step further into judging myself.
It's like,
Ah,
Okay,
Now feel.
Feel what's here.
Maybe you're in a situation,
And it's just,
Again,
It's just that little judgment.
We're just,
We're so reflexive and fast with our judgments all day.
It's nothing sticky,
And you just,
You breathe mindfully,
Ah.
And you can say to yourself,
Peace is not judging.
You can do the counting as you're standing there in line or in the traffic or the airport.
Peace is not judging.
Peace is not judging.
And notice how that's pointing you now to,
Um,
To what the obstruction is of the judging,
And peace is not judging.
And then noticing the feeling of openness,
Right?
Because this is a practice for each of us to see this for ourselves,
For each of us to see this for ourselves,
To see how this works.
And it is,
Kimmy,
It is about accepting humanness.
And so we do have the one side where we could say,
Yes,
We,
We can accept humanness,
Right?
The more affirmation side.
But the reason we've done this whole series in the negation,
Not the negative,
In the negation,
Is because we have these habitual patterns.
Every one of these mantras that we've been going through,
The chasing,
The resisting,
The judging,
The comparing,
And then we have one more final mantra next week,
Are all based on the ways in which we habitually mind wander.
Everybody's mind wandering in the same ways.
Characters are changing,
Stories slightly different,
But they're these,
These same mind movements.
And so we can say that,
Yes,
It's accepting what's here.
But if we keep doing these habits and they keep going under the surface,
Like we just keep doing them,
We're not really,
Uh,
We're not really getting to the acceptance part.
We have to see what is the obstacle that keeps getting in the way.
Because the peace and the accepting and the connection and the belonging and the wholeness,
It's all here.
It never left.
But our attention goes to the judging or the comparing or the chasing or the resisting.
Our attention left everything it is that we want.
And so in no way are we judging ourselves for any of these mind movements,
But we're bringing awareness to where they go too far.
Because mind wandering is not a problem.
Thinking is not a problem.
Wanting a latte is not a problem.
Comparing to someone when it's based on information is not a problem.
When it turns into an identity about ourselves,
It's a problem.
When we're judging the behavior,
It's fine.
When it turns into judging the person,
It's becoming a problem.
And so,
So the reason that I have designed this course in this way is to show us the ways in which our attention keeps taking us away from what it is that we want.
We're not trying to become something here.
This is a big mistake that's made in spirituality,
That I'm trying to become something better.
I'm trying to become more perfect.
I'm trying to become more spiritual.
We just need to see all the ways in which our attention just keeps taking us away from it.
That's it.
I mean,
It sounds so simple,
But these mind movements,
Are very ingrained in us,
Very conditioned in our culture.
And,
And so it's bringing more awareness.
And so the result of peace is not judging is,
Is not just even accepting,
But it's,
It's just,
It's the,
What I find it's the,
It's the resting in the wonder and the mystery of all of this.
I find all of you,
128 of you all over the world,
That we're all connecting here in this moment,
Your comments affecting how I'm speaking over here.
The fact that you're all here,
If you weren't here,
I wouldn't be here.
You know,
Each of us is arising interdependently,
Interconnected.
None of us knows what's going to happen in the next minute.
None of us knows.
I don't know what's going to come out of this mouth in the next minute.
And I find that there's just this,
The,
The acceptance is,
Is more of a kind of a byproduct of all this.
It's not even,
It's just the,
You know,
In the absence,
It just,
The absence of these mind movements,
It is,
It's a resting in the mystery of all of this.
Of how this little thread over here in Mexico is reaching out to you in Australia and Philippa in the UK and Alice in Santa Barbara and,
And then your little thread comes back and does a little wave over here and how this is all affecting each other and,
And it really keeps us just open to what's here.
It's open to what's here.
So,
Okay,
I'm going to go back because Kimmy,
I know you're going to be a little bit more focused.
I know you had a question back here to start off.
And hi,
Marion,
Good to see you and Mari and Michelle,
And I see both Michelle's.
I see Michelle from Montana there.
I see Michelle from Ohio.
Oh,
And Kimmy did,
I think,
I think Philippa and Alice answered very well about,
Yeah,
Identifying what the feeling is,
Is a challenge.
Maybe I will just talk for just a moment a little bit more to add on top of that,
Because it is a challenge.
We are very disembodied as a culture.
We are not used to feeling our feelings.
We live in our heads.
We live in our thoughts.
And so feeling can feel very foreign to us,
Right?
But if I were to ask you right now,
Kimmy,
And everyone here,
If I were to ask you right now,
Come in and feel what's in your chest right now.
See if there's any sensations that you can notice,
Any tension,
Any tightening.
Can you feel your heart beating?
All right,
You would bring your attention in there and notice you're kind of scanning around the chest area.
What's here?
Maybe breathing mindfully.
And just noticing,
Where are the sensations?
There may not be any strong sensation there,
So maybe you move a little bit lower,
Maybe to your solar plexus,
The diaphragm area,
Maybe down to your abdomen.
Are there any sensations that you can feel there?
I know I can feel around my diaphragm a little bit of tightness right now.
And in just noticing that that tension there,
You can just breathe a little bit into it.
And just really staying with the feeling,
Not pushing it away,
Not pushing it away,
But just being with it.
And then maybe you go a little,
Then you do go into the abdomen.
Do you feel anything there?
Maybe there's not a whole lot there.
But it's,
The thing is,
We walk around all day long,
All wound up in this state of contraction.
And it's propelling our feelings.
It's,
Excuse me,
Propelling the stories and our thoughts.
In fact,
Usually the feelings are really adding to our stories about what we're telling ourselves about what's going on.
So we're aware to some degree that we are all wound up.
And so in the moment that we come in and we feel that tightness,
That tension,
And breathing mindfully,
Right?
Breathing mindfully,
Not pushing the feelings away.
So the more that we get practiced at being with what's here and starting with little things,
I mean,
Of course,
Deal with whatever situation happens to be arising,
But really noticing those little self judgments,
Those little judgments of others.
Oh,
They're driving too fast,
Right?
And then,
Oh,
Let me feel that.
Let me feel that.
Let me notice.
Yeah.
Yeah.
There we go.
Yeah.
Wow.
Wow.
It's just a subtle feeling,
Right?
But it's that subtle resistance that we're kind of holding onto there,
Right?
And then just a great example,
Kathy,
Because you're saying the Sunday scaries,
Right?
The shallow breath and the pressure in the head anticipating work tomorrow.
Isn't it interesting?
This is kind of a little side on this.
Sundays,
For most people,
Obviously,
Sunday is a workday for me.
But for most people,
And I worked in the corporate world for a long,
Long time,
Sunday was the day we didn't work.
Saturday and Sunday,
We didn't work.
Fridays,
We're typically working.
And we're so excited on a Friday,
Because we've got the whole weekend in front of us,
But it's a workday.
And Sunday,
That is not a workday,
Because we've got the whole week ahead of us.
All of a sudden is the Sunday scaries,
Right?
Notice that.
So this is a great thing,
Too,
Just to notice that kind of,
You know,
You're not at work now,
Right?
But we're already anticipating.
And so feeling,
Breathing more deeply,
Right?
Noticing the sensations,
Noticing the pressure in the head,
Noticing,
Ah,
Here it is,
Here's the Sunday scaries.
Oh,
Okay,
Let me breathe,
Let me feel.
Let me give them some space.
We're not pushing the feelings away.
We're breathing and giving space for them to exist.
Yeah,
It's okay that it's here,
Right?
It's okay that it's here,
Right?
And as you breathe,
And you allow the feelings,
You can start inquiring what else is here.
And what else is here?
Okay,
Oh,
The fear,
The fear of everything that's piling up on my desk,
Or the presentation that I have to give,
Or this deadline.
Okay,
Let me just,
Let me give some room for that,
Too.
Yeah,
Let me give some room.
So you keep welcoming in all of the fears,
Or the little anxieties,
Or the little,
You know,
Anticipation,
And you welcome it all in.
And now you're fully present with your feelings.
Because the scaries are really getting you lost in this story.
You are not even here,
Or excuse me,
That's not even happening.
It's not even happening,
Right?
And so the more that you can be with what's here,
Right?
Just acknowledge,
Yep,
Sunday's scary is here,
No problem.
Or even Kimmy,
Where you're saying you struggle naming what the feeling is.
Just say unpleasant feeling,
Unpleasant feeling here,
No problem,
Right?
Just,
We just want to say unpleasant feeling,
Okay,
Right?
Or there's a feeling here.
Okay,
Whatever feeling you are here,
It's okay,
You're here.
It's okay that you're here.
And I'm going to breathe,
And I'm going to give you some space.
And when you're here,
When you're present with what's here,
When you're breathing mindfully around the sensations,
The terror that was happening a few moments ago in the story about what's not happening,
Because it's not happening,
It's Sunday,
You're not at work,
Right?
All of a sudden,
You're feeling more grounded,
You're feeling more present,
You're feeling more kindness and compassion and empathy for yourself.
Yeah,
Because that's a habit too.
It's just a habit.
Oh,
No,
Now the whole work week's ahead of me.
So we sacrifice a day where we don't have any work,
Where we have the whole day off,
We sacrifice it for what's going to happen in the future,
Right?
And so this is where the practice just to keep coming back and noticing.
I'm just being with it and keep inquiring and what else is here?
What else is here?
Oh,
The I hate my job.
Oh,
Okay,
You're there too.
Okay.
Here you go.
Hate your job.
Yep,
You can be here too.
Yeah,
Let me give some room for you too.
Yeah.
Right?
Because the more that you do this,
The more you can acknowledge what's here and all of these feelings,
These,
These deep feelings that we have,
And yet we don't tend to,
We keep thinking that we can,
Um,
We can jump over this feeling part of mindfulness and that,
Uh,
And that somehow we're going to heal that way.
Or these,
These,
These trigger responses,
These reactive responses are not going to,
Um,
That they're not going to keep repeating.
They will keep repeating every Sunday.
It will keep repeating and it will still even repeat for a while.
But every time you come to it,
Yeah,
It's okay.
Sunday scaries all Sunday scaries.
I know,
I know,
I know,
Sweetheart.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And you talk so sweetly.
I know.
I know you're already thinking about the week.
It's okay,
Sweetheart.
You can be here.
Right?
And so we're breathing in,
We're creating space,
Right?
Opening up.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And,
And in bringing that empathy,
That kindness,
That compassion to our experience,
Being present with what's uncomfortable,
Right?
Because it is an uncomfortable feeling.
Yeah.
But then we're with it.
And we,
We're,
We're,
Um,
Like Tara Brock will often say like that,
That trance of separation,
That trance of fear,
We're out of it.
You know,
The trance is gone.
And then the peace that you,
The peace that you want is here because the peace never left,
But your attention was already going to the work week.
And so you keep practicing and being with it.
You just keep practicing and being with it as best you can,
As best you can.
Right?
And,
And to remember,
And we talked about this,
I think in last week's class,
You can bear almost anything in this moment.
It's the fear of how are you going to handle in the next moment?
So even just saying to yourself,
Sweetheart,
Just be with it in this moment.
Can we bear it in this moment?
Yeah,
I can bear it in this moment.
Yeah.
Just keep to keep just being with what's here in this moment,
Right?
It's a practice.
It takes time.
We're not used to feeling our feelings.
So Kimmy,
And just for anyone else struggling,
Don't get so caught up in the naming of it.
If that's not coming to you very clear,
Very,
Very easily,
It will start to come more clearly to you.
And I,
And I hope with the mantras,
It helps to also kind of point you a little bit more quickly to what's going on.
Um,
But it will come,
Right?
So just be patient with yourself.
And,
Uh,
And so you can just say unpleasant feeling.
Okay.
It's here and just breathing into it and just doing your best to feel it in the body in this moment.
Anytime it starts to,
You know,
Oh no,
No,
No.
It's getting a little out of hand again.
It's because now we've gone back into our thoughts and now we're imagining how we're going to handle it in the future.
Or we've,
We've brought back,
Um,
Isn't it funny you put back Philippa and that word exactly in this mouth,
Right?
Or that we're,
Um,
Uh,
So when things start to get a little bit,
You know,
We're here with the feelings and then all of a sudden the intensity,
The contraction,
The tension starts to build up again.
It's just,
Okay.
And this too,
And this too,
And this too,
And you do get better at it that I promise you,
You get better at anything that,
Um,
We keep persisting at,
We get better at.
How do you think we've become so good at judging?
We persisted at it.
We kept doing it,
Right?
We're good little judgers,
Right?
And so this is the same.
We get good at feeling our feelings and there's always compassion in there.
Oh,
Okay.
It's a little bit hard right now.
It's a little bit hard right now,
You know,
And,
And don't underestimate also,
Um,
You know,
Going for a little walk sometimes as well,
Like going outside,
Looking up at the sky,
Right?
And then taking that big breath there,
That can also be really helpful,
Can be super helpful as well.
Yeah.
And Kathy,
It's,
Yeah,
It's not to judge.
It's just,
It's energy moving around,
Right?
It's usually energy that we're,
We're kind of getting stagnant in fact,
But as we're,
We're,
We're with it,
We're not pushing it away.
I cannot have,
I cannot emphasize that enough.
We are not pushing anything away.
We are welcoming what's here.
The story,
Whatever we're telling ourselves,
The Sunday scaries,
What appointment we have tomorrow,
Whatever story we're telling ourselves is not happening,
But the feelings are happening.
The feelings are real.
And this is where the healing is in the feelings.
We get so caught up in this loop of the story and the contraction in the body,
And then the contraction in the body feeding into the story and really keeping us tracked in that loop.
And so we think we're going to get ourselves out in the story.
Well,
A thought,
A thought,
Uh,
Is what created all this.
I don't want something to happen tomorrow.
So I must,
The solution must be more thinking.
You're not going to find the solution in more thinking.
Even if you get yourself there for a moment,
You rationalize it,
You explain it.
Well,
It's Sunday today,
So it's okay.
I'm not working today.
Don't,
If we keep it at the head level,
We'll go,
Oh yeah,
I feel better for a moment.
Yeah.
I feel better for a moment because it is Sunday today and I'm not working.
And then it's going to start back up,
But Monday is going to come around.
If we,
The,
The,
Uh,
Way to break the loop is to come in and feel,
Is to come in and feel them.
The story isn't happening.
The feelings are happening.
And if we aren't able to come in and feel our feelings,
Because essentially what we're doing is resisting,
Feeling our feelings,
Fearing,
Feeling our feelings.
We think that if I come in and feel,
Then in fact,
I'm going to be overwhelmed.
That in fact,
I'm going to fall apart.
It's not the falling apart,
Isn't coming in and feeling the falling apart is the pushing them down is the,
Is the not wanting to feel them trying to distract ourselves,
Suppress us,
Suppress them,
Numb our emotions in some way.
They don't go away that way.
In fact,
They often come out in a way that we least expect it.
And so the,
The,
The more comfortable that we get being with the discomfort of these unpleasant feelings,
Because they are unpleasant feelings,
They are unpleasant sensations,
But it is the story on top that makes them so terrifying.
When we come in with kindness,
Open,
Curious,
Compassion,
Right?
What you find even in the unpleasant sensations is the peace.
We're no longer pushing back.
And every time that we do this,
Right?
We notice the feelings,
We come in and we feel them,
We open to them,
We bring compassion,
We bring empathy,
We bring kindness.
And there's,
It's like,
We've walked by a door every day in our household for our whole lives.
And we've always thought,
Oh,
There's something scary in that door.
I don't want to open what's in that door.
But every time we walk by,
We're sweating and we're panicking and our hearts beating fast and we're Oh my God,
I wonder what's behind the door.
But then every time if we open it,
You know,
And we step inside,
And we realize,
Well,
It's a little uncomfortable,
Maybe it's a little cooler in there,
Maybe it's a little warmer in there,
Maybe there's not such comfortable furniture in there.
But every time that we do that,
Then as we walk by,
We go,
Oh,
There's just a little discomfort.
Yeah,
A little something going on,
Maybe something I need,
Maybe something I do need to pay attention to.
Right?
Because maybe you have a presentation tomorrow at work.
And it's like,
Yeah,
I should probably do something about that.
Right?
But not from a place of fear,
Coming in and feeling what's here being with what's here.
And then acting skillfully,
Acting with wisdom,
Acting with compassion.
Right?
This is the key.
Breaking the loop,
Breaking the loop.
As you're saying,
Isabel,
Yeah,
The healing is in the feeling.
And so,
So thank you,
Kimmy,
So much for just for even mentioning that,
Because you are not alone.
You asked that question on behalf of most people here.
We really struggle to feel,
We really struggle to feel.
So be kind to yourself,
Be patient with yourself,
Be practicing,
Be practicing.
And Abigail,
You feel the hurt as long as the hurt is here.
There's no time limit on this.
There's no time limit on it.
If the hurt's here,
The hurt's here.
We don't say you can be here for five minutes and then you have to go.
That's still resisting.
There's something to learn in the hurt.
But we're so busy wanting to push it away.
We're so busy not wanting to feel it,
We don't even learn what's there.
Because in the hurt,
We judge it,
It's bad.
I was betrayed,
This is bad.
Right?
But maybe there's something else that we can see in there.
And this is,
Again,
The teaching of interdependence,
Of interconnectedness,
Of emptiness.
Right?
Nothing is one thing.
Nothing is one thing,
But we get so locked in to know,
I was betrayed,
This was a nightmare.
And while I feel for you,
I feel for you,
Because it's painful to be betrayed.
Right?
But in the being with the hurt,
Being with our hurt in a way that is compassionate and empathic,
Empathetic,
Sorry,
And empathetic,
Right?
Right?
Think of what we're bringing now to this experience.
Now we're bringing kindness.
So in the hurt was also that compassion for ourselves.
And maybe that's it.
Maybe that's the lesson here is to teach yourself how to be kind to yourself.
That's a pretty good lesson.
Right?
Yeah.
And if it's a hurt child,
You know,
Or a child that hurts,
And it's painful,
And I know a lot of you,
I've spoken with many people that have struggles with their children or with their parents.
Right?
And it's just when it gets triggered,
You know,
And it might be if it's too difficult to do on your own,
This is where it can be very helpful to work with a therapist if we're really struggling to get in there.
Right?
But as best we can,
To recognize the problem isn't so much what happened out there,
Because everyone in the world has had experiences where people have been unkind to us,
Where people have lied to us,
Where people have betrayed us.
There's just,
There's a variety of different,
There's an endless variety of different experiences.
We've also had so many people that have been kind to us,
And that have been helpful to us,
And have been there for us when we've needed.
We get the full array.
Right?
We get the full array.
And so in recognizing,
You know,
Something happened,
And it hurts.
Okay,
So where do I heal?
In the hurt.
In the being with my hurt.
Being with what's here.
Char,
Beautiful.
This and that are both true.
Yeah,
Yeah.
And hi,
Harvey,
Good to see you.
Good to see you.
Okay,
I'm going to go back,
Because I think there were a few more.
Oh,
And Abigail,
So I did come back just to your message.
And in fact,
I do want to say something real quick,
Because I see Moj going across,
Or I saw Moj a few minutes ago,
And I just wanted to thank you so much for alerting me to the problem on the time,
On the live event.
So Abigail,
Now your message has kind of gone away,
Just on that last message there.
But I do get a sense something's happening here.
Some more things are happening.
And I know you've had a lot of challenges.
And sometimes it can feel like,
Man,
Like,
You know,
How many more challenges can we face?
And just as best we can,
As best we can to be here with what's here in this moment,
To be with the fear,
To be with the disappointment.
Not the story of why we're disappointed,
But to be with the fear,
To be with the anxiety,
And to know that you're not alone.
Just like me,
Millions of people around the world are experiencing the same thing.
We're never alone.
We feel so alone,
Because in this illusion of separateness,
Me and my problems,
And the way that we get kind of focused on this narrow focus about,
Oh,
All these things that are happening to me,
The way we see the world,
You know,
It feels so existentially despairing.
But the more that we can come in and be with what's here,
And even just acknowledging,
Just like me,
Millions of people around the world are experiencing X or Y or Z,
Or X,
Y,
And Z,
There's that sense of,
Okay,
This is a part of the human experience.
It's not a pleasant part of it,
But there is something here.
These are the moments,
We wouldn't ask for these situations,
But where we find the courage,
Even in our fear,
Just to be with the fear in this moment,
To be with what's here in this moment.
Okay,
I'm going to,
Alice,
I'm going to get to yours in a minute.
I just want to make sure that I'm not missing too much back here.
I did see your comment before,
Sandy better call ICE.
That was good.
And yeah,
Marion,
Yeah,
This is Marion from Texas,
Right?
Is this Marion from Texas?
It is.
Hi,
Marion.
Yeah,
Judging others,
We judge ourselves,
Like it just goes back and forth.
I mean,
I think a lot of it is in fact,
That we are judging ourselves,
We're very harsh on ourselves.
And I think that makes it very easy to judge other people.
Because of course,
We see the world,
Not as it is,
We see the world as we are.
And yet,
It's often very hard for us to catch the judging ourselves.
So still be in pieces,
Not judging,
We are looking at that self-judging,
And in the comparing,
We're bringing attention to it.
So I do find that,
Yeah,
When we catch the judging outwards,
It more easily also brings more awareness to how we're judging ourselves as well.
And it really does reduce it because no one here is perfect.
And our practice is not about being perfect.
That's not this path by any stretch.
It is not about finding perfection,
Because there is no such thing as perfection.
There's no such thing.
It's about learning how to be with our imperfections in a way that is compassionate and kind and wise and skillful.
Right.
Okay,
I want to keep going here.
So Alice,
Oh,
Sorry,
We did do that.
Oh,
And Felipe,
You were answering Alice.
Okay.
Oh,
And I'm glad Michelle,
Michelle from Montana,
That yeah,
Judging the situations is helpful.
Yeah.
Judging the behavior helpful.
Yeah.
Oh,
Is this David from Australia?
I think of you as David for a lark.
And Michelle,
You were just feeling the Sunday scaries.
I know.
Oh,
What is that?
Good to see you,
David.
I mean,
I do remember those Sunday feelings when I was working.
When I was working a corporate job.
I mean,
I work,
I'm working here.
I work probably five,
Six days a week,
Probably only about five hours a day.
But so I don't really have that kind of break in it like that.
But,
You know,
I can notice a different feeling around something,
You know,
I can feel maybe about,
You know,
Just something going on,
You,
We can kind of notice that feeling,
Right.
And we all experience it.
And so just,
You know,
You notice the feeling and and you come back and you're here again,
Because you're not working today,
Michelle,
Kathy,
David,
None of you are working today.
And,
And to notice it as you're driving into work tomorrow and to notice,
You know,
When you're at work,
Because,
You know,
We,
We do tend to again,
Like I was saying that,
You know,
We,
We,
We can bear almost anything in this moment.
But it's our fear of how am I going to feel it in the next moment?
That's what's really sending us over the edge.
But and it's the same with with just,
You know,
There may be aspects of your job that you don't particularly like.
And so just noticing that too,
Like when you're at work,
Stay with stay with whatever it is that you're doing as best you can.
Notice when the mind is already getting to the next item on the to do list or the part of the job you you know,
You don't like,
It's like,
Just be where you are,
Be present with what's here.
So much of what we're not liking in this moment is this resisting that we're adding on I shouldn't have to do this,
This,
This job is so boring,
You know,
We,
We put the suffering into it.
I'm not saying it may not be a pleasant job.
It may not be something that's filling our hearts,
So to speak.
But we tend to put the suffering into it when we resist it,
Instead of just okay,
I'm here in this moment.
And and when we do that,
As well,
We can be present with what's here,
I think also,
Then we can act in ways that we might realize,
Okay,
I'm not acting out of fear,
I'm not acting out of desperation.
But I do have enough awareness to recognize that this job isn't fulfilling.
And maybe I want to start taking some classes to do something else,
Or start looking for another job.
You know,
Maybe I can take some actions to be able to be doing something else.
Noni,
I'm going to come to you in just a moment.
Let me actually Noni,
I am going to,
I'm going to just come into your question right now.
Because you were saying you've become so uncomfortable in solitude since your beloved past.
That for the first time in your life,
You look forward to work so you can focus on something other than your grief.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry for sounds like losing your partner that you lost.
And,
And as difficult as that is.
And I know,
Alice,
You can really speak to this as well,
You might have some words for Noni.
Try to be with the grief.
And that's a feeling.
It's a feeling,
It's a part of us.
In that grief is the love for your partner.
Right?
In the loss is the love.
And,
And as best you can,
And if you need grief counseling or in a group,
But I would encourage as best you can to find a way,
Again,
Maybe it might be you need some help with it.
But in really opening to,
To what's here,
And like you said,
Your husband said,
He would say just feel all the time.
So great.
These are his words.
They're right there.
He's telling you to feel what's here,
To be with it,
Right?
And the tears come,
The tears come,
And the flood comes,
Right?
And,
And being here with it in this moment,
Being with the grief in this moment,
The fear is how,
How am I going to feel this in an hour?
That's when it becomes overwhelming.
You know,
Just being with it here in this moment,
As best you can,
As best you can.
Yeah.
It's,
It's not easy.
It's not easy.
Yeah.
Oh,
And Pamela,
Pamela from Ireland,
You're here.
I'm so glad.
Yeah.
And I know you and I just exchanged a message recently,
Kind of about,
We've had some similar experiences and,
And it's,
It's feeling,
It's feeling what's here.
Now,
And,
And again,
Using that self-compassion phrase,
Just like me,
Millions of people around the world right now are grieving.
We feel like such a sense of isolation around it,
That we're the only ones that are experiencing it.
And in,
And in recognizing there's millions of people around the world that are experiencing grief,
And it is painful to feel what's here,
But you can bear it in this moment,
In this moment.
He would want you to feel this in this moment.
He said to all the time to feel it.
So it's really,
I think in the feeling of connection there with him.
So Michelle,
Are you saying with the mantra,
As you say the mantra,
Like maybe you say the mantra piece is not resisting and you feel it starting to dissolve?
Yeah,
Yeah.
I mean,
I do find the mantras,
This is why I came up with them.
They really point us,
As we say them,
Peace is not judging,
Or peace is not resisting,
Or peace is not comparing,
Right?
That as we say,
Where peace is not chasing,
Maybe our eyes are falling on something that we want,
That as we say the mantra,
It really starts to,
Um,
The comparing,
The judging,
The resisting,
It starts to melt away,
Right?
Because we're here with it,
Right?
We're saying the mantra and we're feeling what's here.
Yeah.
Yeah,
Philippa,
That's beautiful.
Storm clouds pass and so do uncomfortable feelings,
If we don't deny them.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah,
I mean,
We do,
That's kind of in the mantra of resisting,
Right?
Denying,
Suppressing,
Pushing back.
It never works the way we think it's working.
It never does.
Yeah,
It's not,
It doesn't act in the way that we think it is.
And in being with our feelings,
And of course,
Grief being just one of the most,
Uh,
I mean,
There's a lot of really,
You know,
Heart-wrenching feelings that we can experience.
But if that's what's happening in our world,
Then,
Then that's what's here.
And that's what we're to be with.
That's where,
That's where our compassion is needed.
You know,
We can't choose these situations.
We can't choose what's arising,
But we can be with what's here and heal in being with what's here.
And it,
And it,
And it truly does.
Like I have just found over the years,
You know,
Decades now of this practice,
That it's like,
It kind of,
You feel it coming on,
You feel a little bit of fear coming on,
You feel a little bit of anxiety about something.
And it's just,
It's not a tsunami.
It's just like,
It's a,
It's a,
It's a decent little wave,
You know,
And you feel it and you just,
And it's like,
Oh,
Here it is,
Right?
Oh,
What's here?
Yeah.
Oh,
Just a little anxiety.
Oh,
Just a little resisting,
A little fear,
Just a little unpleasant,
Right?
Oh,
Just something unpleasant,
Right?
And you're just,
You're here with it and you realize like,
Like it does pass.
We're not doing it.
We're not doing it to make it go away.
That's what's so important.
We're not doing it to,
To,
To push it away.
We're opening to it because that's what's here.
And whatever feelings,
Like whatever feelings that are being,
Um,
That are arising in that moment,
I do find very often they are the same things that just keep repeating,
Keep repeating,
Keep repeating.
It comes out in fear one day,
It comes out as anxiety the next day,
It comes out as comparing or envy or jealousy,
Or then it comes out as regret or resentment.
So much of this is coming up because we're,
And just expressing itself in different ways based on what's kind of being triggered in our environment or interactions.
And yet we don't go below the surface to see what is it that keeps getting triggered in such a,
A crisis way?
You know,
What unmet need,
What wound are we feeling here?
Or are we denying here that needs our attention?
It's so important that we are able to be able to feel what's here because whatever is here is what's here.
That's what's happening in the present moment.
And it's not just one thing.
In being with our grief,
We're slowly healing.
In having compassion for ourselves and holding space and opening to what's here,
That's healing.
We're always going to feel.
We're never not going to feel.
And there will always be unpleasant situations.
It's not the majority of our lives,
Right?
Like we talked about the other week.
I mean,
Probably 15,
20,
25% of our experience is pleasant.
Another 15,
20,
25% is unpleasant.
The bulk are just neutral moments.
And so,
You know,
We kind of keep that balance of remembering,
Yep,
There's something here.
It's unpleasant.
It needs my attention.
And how you tend to what's here has a great effect on the next moment,
Negatively or positively,
How you tend to what's here now.
And you can bear almost anything in this moment.
Okay,
Let me go back and see if you and we do have a meditation still to do,
But I want to just see if there's any other questions that I missed here.
Yeah,
In fact,
Marion,
I just appreciate all your comments back to Abigail,
Because I think there,
I think,
Marion,
You're really,
And I know you and I have exchanged the messages online,
Offline as well.
And I think you've really come through some really difficult conditions through being with what's here.
Yeah,
In fact,
I see a lot of wisdom from you here,
Marion.
I appreciate it.
And Char,
Yeah,
That's a great analogy,
Like trying to push a balloon underwater.
The more force applied,
The faster it pops back up.
Yeah,
That's a great analogy.
Great analogy.
Thanks.
Yeah.
And so now,
Noni,
Just one thing,
Because you were saying eight years of pure,
Unconditional love.
How about some pure,
Unconditional love for yourself?
Right?
Some pure,
Unconditional love for yourself.
Yeah.
And I'll just add a little bit on,
And then,
Terri,
I'll get to your question here,
Too.
Rejection hurts.
Rejection sure hurts.
And all of us experience rejection.
And it's tending to the feeling,
Not that it shouldn't have happened.
It's tending to the feelings,
The hurt,
The sadness,
Maybe the anger,
The resentment.
Right?
We get so focused on the story of rejection as though we're going to find a solution there.
You're not going to find it in your thoughts.
You're going to find the solution in healing,
In being with what's here.
Yeah.
And Terri,
So in how do we deal with judgment from others?
Because,
Yeah,
That really,
That hurts,
Right?
It hurts being judged by other people.
We come in and we feel it.
We don't get lost in the pushing back of the judgment.
People will continue to judge us.
Right?
And so,
When someone's judged us for something,
We recognize that feeling,
The pain of being judged,
The anger at being judged,
The resisting of the judgment.
And we come in and we go,
Wow,
This is the feeling of being judged.
Right?
Breathe into it,
Feel it in the body.
Feel what's here.
This is the feeling of being judged.
And it's okay.
And I can feel this.
I can bear this in this moment.
I can be with what's here.
Okay.
And as you sit with what's here,
Right,
The feeling of being judged,
Just like me,
Millions of people around the world right now are having the pain of feeling judged.
I'm not alone.
I do think that one phrase is such a beautiful phrase at normalizing,
We are not alone with this.
Whatever experience,
Emotion you're feeling is a normal human experience.
So just that even allowing you to be with what's here,
And I'm kind of doing this,
Like touching my upper arm,
Like petting ourselves in a really caring and kind way.
And then as we allow ourselves to feel it,
To be with the feeling of being judged,
And then we can inquire what else is here.
What else is here?
Oh,
Maybe,
Maybe in being judged,
I was starting to doubt myself.
Oh,
Doubt.
Oh,
My dear doubt.
Here you are.
Come on,
Come on,
Doubt.
There's room for you too.
Maybe it brought up some insecurities.
Oh,
My insecurities.
Sweetheart,
Here you are.
Yeah,
There's room for you too.
Yeah,
There's room for you too.
And we use the experience of being judged to bring compassion,
To understand that what we're experiencing,
We're not alone with.
But we were judged by someone once,
They called us a name,
They told us we were an idiot,
We were dumb,
They told us whatever it is.
And then we repeat it 100 more times.
We stay lost in our thoughts and our worries about it,
Repeating it over and over and over.
Right?
That's not helpful.
It's coming in and feeling it and being feeling and being with what's here and bringing compassion and kindness and yeah.
And opening up to all the feelings that are here and in the empathy and the compassion and the nurturing for us,
For ourselves.
What we find in that empathy for ourselves that we can recognize,
Yeah,
Now at this point,
We can remember they're a human being too.
They're a human being too.
And it probably,
They're probably really struggling with something right now.
Because as I was saying before,
Mostly when we're judging other people,
Not always,
But I would say mostly when we're judging other people,
It's because we don't feel good ourselves.
Right?
You know,
Those times when we were on top of the world,
Maybe you're in that new love phase,
Or you just got some promotion,
Or you're on holiday,
Or just everything's feeling great,
Right?
And you can see someone doing something behaving a little bit off,
Or maybe saying something to and you think,
Ah,
Whatever,
You know what,
I feel so good.
I feel so good.
Yeah,
Let them be who they want to be,
Right?
Kind of all just falls off our back.
And then we have those times we're in a difficult relationship,
We've just been dumped,
Or we've got stress at work,
We're concerned about something,
You know,
Just worries and fears,
Right?
And from that place,
It's very easy to judge people,
Even when there's nothing there.
And so once we've come in and tended to our feelings,
Once we've really tended to what's here,
With compassion and kindness,
Then,
Not before,
But then we can really say,
Yeah,
This probably has more to do with them than it does to do with me.
Or we might even be able to say like,
Well,
Is there any truth in that?
Maybe there was something I need to know.
Yeah,
Maybe there is a little truth in there,
And we're so busy pushing it out,
How dare they say that about me,
Right?
Maybe sometimes there is a little bit of truth in it,
And then we miss it,
Because we're so lost in the hurt and the resentment and the anger and the pushing back.
But through the nurture and the compassion and the kindness to ourselves,
And coming in and be,
Now we can see it,
I can see that,
You know what,
There is a little truth in that.
They could have said it a little bit nicer,
But yeah,
Okay,
I can see there's a little truth in that.
That's helpful.
Okay.
But we can hear it now.
We can hear it now as well.
Okay.
Yeah,
Sandy,
Your spiritual practice is what is healing you,
Not the reminiscing of past mistakes.
We all have a laundry list of past mistakes.
There is no going through this world without making mistakes.
There's no way.
There's no way.
And mistakes are how we learn,
Oh,
That wasn't the right way to go about it.
Maybe I rushed a little bit.
Maybe I had judged it as good or bad,
And so I was locked into a view,
Right?
We can learn from them.
And this is where in the mind-wandering where I think,
Yeah,
It can be helpful to reflect on the past,
And it can be helpful if we're in the right mind state to be able to look back and say,
Yeah,
I could learn from that.
And maybe if a situation comes up like that again,
Maybe now with this new condition of having reflected in a healthy way without making an identity about it,
But just kind of understanding what happened,
Perhaps it will go differently.
But a mistake is still going to happen in another way.
Like there's just no way.
There's just no way to go about,
To go through this life without making mistakes.
We are imperfect.
We are imperfect.
Yeah,
And Marianne,
Exactly.
We learn.
In fact,
We learn so much better from mistakes.
We learn so much better from mistakes.
It like gets tattooed on our brain because in fact,
The stress of kind of learn of the mistake kind of does imprint it a little bit more in our brain.
So yeah,
We do learn from our mistakes.
And one of the biggest things that we can learn from our mistakes is that,
Is humility.
Humility.
Yeah,
Yeah,
You make mistakes.
Oh yeah,
Me too.
I'm not perfect either,
Right?
We would be unbearable if we were perfect or to be around someone that was perfect.
It would be unbearable for the rest of us,
Right?
And I do find there's a lot of humility that we find in going,
Yep,
Meredith,
Not your best moment.
Oh,
You kind of screwed that up a little bit.
Yeah,
Yeah.
Oh,
I guess you're still imperfect.
Yep,
Yep.
And so if I can accept my imperfections,
Then can I accept the imperfections of others?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm so glad,
Michelle,
That was a nice question to put out there.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean,
Just in coming on and doing this together and doing this together and being a part of this and sharing this journey together,
Look at how this can shift our energy.
Yeah.
And I just want to say,
Is that Barb from Canada going across?
Oh no,
That's Barb from New Jersey,
But I thought I saw Barb from Canada going across as well.
Maybe I missed it.
Oh,
You are here.
There you are.
Yeah,
There you are.
Oh,
Good to see you.
And Terry,
Yeah,
Nature is,
Yeah.
And the little imperfections are what,
You know,
Make things interesting,
Make us more interesting.
You know,
No one would really want to be perfect.
How boring,
How boring life would be,
Right?
And it's just not the way,
It's not the way it is.
It's not the way reality is.
So,
Okay,
With all this,
Yeah,
What is perfect,
Kathy?
What is perfect?
Great question.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's,
You know,
Everyone's idea of perfection would be different,
Too.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And that's nice.
Yeah,
Viva,
And I always notice your beautiful,
Bright flower there.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay,
I'm going to suggest,
Yeah,
Ken and Barbie,
No thanks.
Yeah.
You don't think they suffer.
You don't think Barbie's comparing herself to whatever other thing there is.
So,
Yeah,
Let's do,
Let's just do a 10-minute meditation with pieces,
Not judging.
We do need to get a meditation in here.
And,
But I will say for our daily practice,
That now we should be shooting for 17 and a half minutes.
So,
It was 15 minutes last week,
So now we're shooting for 17 and a half minutes when you're,
For your practice on your own.
Still one-minute minimum,
Still more concerned with the consistency versus the quantity.
But if you can set your insight timer for 17 and a half minutes,
Again,
Set that one-minute interval bell.
You can get up after one minute.
But if you could even just get through saying a couple rounds of the because saying the mantra really imprints,
Imprints it in our,
In our mind,
In our brain.
All right,
Sandy,
Good to see you.
And,
And when we count the mantras,
And I'll just say this real,
Because there might be a couple of you that are new.
So,
We're going to count the mantras on our hand,
Bringing the top,
Excuse me,
The top of our thumb and the top of our pinky together is the first count.
So,
We'll silently say to ourselves,
Peace is not judging.
One full inhale and exhale each mantra,
Each count.
Then we go the middle of the finger,
The crease,
And then it's just these three points on each finger,
Okay?
So,
By doing this,
By counting the mantras on our hand as well,
We are recruiting other parts of our brain,
Specifically in the motor cortex.
And the more parts of our brain that are involved in this,
The more likely we are to remember,
To remember,
Okay?
And I also suggest doing it with your left hand,
Because then we're engaging the right hemisphere of the,
The motor cortex on the right hemisphere.
And,
And the right hemisphere is really more about big picture,
More about seeing how interconnected everything is,
Right?
It's not as myopic as the left,
The left hemisphere.
And I have a talk on left hemisphere,
Right hemisphere.
It is important for us to kind of understand the way that these hemispheres interact with the world,
The way that they pay attention.
Not in the pop psychology way that people typically think of it,
But that we have become quite a left hemisphere dominant world.
And,
And it's not quite the logic that we thought that we used to think it was,
Or that really was just kind of pop psychology.
So,
The more that we can bring the right hemisphere in as well,
So I would recommend doing it with your left hand,
Doing the counting.
So,
We'll come into the meditation,
We'll take a couple of deep breaths.
We'll ask the questions.
I'll give a lot of guidance in the questions if there's anyone here that's new.
And then we will bring our attention to the breath at the tip of our nostrils,
And then we'll begin counting out the mantras on our hand,
As we're silently saying,
Peace is not judging.
For the first few mantras,
I'll put my hand up like this again,
If you need to take a little peek.
And there's nothing scientific about the three specific spots,
But we are developing a pattern.
The brain loves patterns as well.
And so,
You will find yourself by doing the mantras,
And Michelle,
Like I think,
Like you're saying,
You're finding,
You just start kind of counting them out on your hand,
You're standing in line,
You're doing something,
And you're just kind of peace is not judging,
Peace is not judging,
Peace is not judging.
So,
It's really coming more to the forefront of your mind,
You're more likely to catch it in this way.
So,
Really,
The mantra is really aiding our mindfulness practice.
They're really helping us to see,
Oh yeah,
And here is the judging.
Not to judge that we were judging,
But just to notice it,
And okay.
We breathe mindfully,
Feel the judging in the body.
Maybe it was just a little thing,
Okay,
And it's already dissolved,
Just a little mindful breathing,
A little self-compassion,
Or we go through the acronym of RAIN to really help bring us into what's really going on here,
Bringing us deeper into what's going on here.
Okay,
So with that,
Let's go ahead and meditate.
So,
They said,
We'll just do a,
We'll do a,
It's 143,
We'll end right around 152.
So,
Just,
Yeah,
So close your eyes,
And just make sure that you're comfortable if you need to make any adjustments.
And we'll start with a few deep breaths.
In and out through the nose.
So,
Really taking big inhales,
Really filling up,
And long,
Slow exhales.
And at the end of your next exhale,
Allow your breath to be natural.
Just let it flow at its own rhythm.
And ask yourself,
What is it that you want more than anything else in the world for yourself?
So,
When we ask this question,
We're looking inside,
That our answer is not dependent upon anything in the external world,
But really the feeling that we're always thinking external world things are going to bring us.
So,
We're cutting out the middleman and just identifying,
Is it peace,
Contentment,
Connection,
Belonging,
Love,
Not romantic love,
But that love of this shared experience.
And now ask yourself,
What could you do more of or less of that could move you closer to what it is you most want?
And when we ask this question,
Do not be in the slightest bit concerned about whether you're ready to do more of something or you're ready to do less of something.
We're simply being honest with ourselves,
We're looking where we're giving our attention,
What kinds of activities we're doing,
Things that are taking us away from the peace.
And maybe considering things that we could be doing more of,
Some practices,
Some lifestyle changes that could move us closer,
But we're not concerned about whether we want to do it or not,
We're simply identifying.
Now,
We'll just allow all our answers to dissolve into our heart center,
Just planting seeds,
That's all.
And we can bring our attention to our breath at the tip of our nose,
And bringing in the mantra and the counting,
Bringing the top of your thumb together with the top of your pinky,
And silently saying the words,
Peace is not judging.
Peace is not judging.
One full inhale and exhale for each mantra,
For each count.
And any thoughts that arise related to the mantra,
You can pause there for a moment,
Maybe you're reflecting on a memory of judging and now you're really noticing how it was distorting your perception of yourself and the other person,
How it was closing off your heart,
And without any judgment,
Just noticing,
Yeah,
Peace is not judging.
You might notice you're judging the meditation,
And in that noticing the judging and then breathing a little more mindfully into the body,
Wow,
Peace is not judging.
And now let the mantra go for the last minute of the meditation,
Let the counting go,
And just allow your attention to rest on the rhythm of your breath.
And as we begin to come out of the meditation,
With a big inhale,
Take your arms over your head,
A big stretch at the top.
And as you exhale,
Gently,
Lower your arms and slowly open your eyes.
Okay,
So,
For our daily practice this week,
Peace is not judging.
If you can get to 17 and a half minutes for the meditation time,
And again,
You know,
When you're meditating on your own,
You might just do three,
Four,
Maybe five rounds of the counting of the mantra,
Then let it go and just let your attention rest on the breath.
I find the mantras also by saying them and settling down that mind movement,
Those last few minutes,
Whether it's five minutes,
Six minutes,
Seven minutes,
Where your attention is on the breath,
Your attention is quite focused on the breath,
Because you've already identified one of the ways in which the mind is constantly,
Or the way in which our attention is constantly getting distracted.
So it often really helps with the meditation.
But again,
It's also just really leaving that imprint in our mind,
On our brain,
So that we're more aware of when we are actually doing the judging.
So much it happens,
And we don't even realize it,
We don't even realize it.
So we're catching it more often.
And that is the point.
So the mantras are to really help us to be more mindful throughout the day.
And then also to remember that the teaching that went along with it,
That no matter who you are judging,
It can be a parent that's wronged you,
An employee,
A boss,
It can be someone who's judging us,
It can be anything that's happening,
Where we feel justified then in judging someone else,
To be able to see that it is in fact not giving you what you think.
It is enclosing your heart to this other person and narrowing them down into a label,
A category,
A fixed identity,
Enclosing your hearts to them,
You are closing your heart to yourself.
And you are training,
Training in not being able to have empathy,
And to be able to feel yourself,
Feel what's here,
To know what's here.
Right?
And so it's just to bring more awareness to this.
So we're bringing more awareness to the ways in which we're taking ourselves away from the present moment.
The present moment piece is not somewhere to get to.
We don't need to get anywhere.
We just simply need to see how our attention keeps leaving it,
The habitual ways that we keep leaving it.
So it's not to judge ourselves for it,
It's just the conditioning.
Right?
And just to notice all these little ways in which we're judging others,
Just little situations,
Little just they look a little different,
They're talking too loudly on their phone.
All of these little ways in which we judge others and close our hearts off to ourselves as well.
Really,
Really another way in which,
You know,
It prevents us,
It creates a greater struggle for us with our own practice when it comes into feeling our feelings.
And so we have one more mantra next week in this series.
And so in the meantime,
We'll keep working on peace is not judging.
Don't forget the other mantras,
Peace is not comparing,
Peace is not chasing,
Peace is not resisting,
Not for our meditation.
Ideally,
I would like you to just do peace is not judging this week.
And then,
But if something's really coming up,
You notice you're really resisting something,
And you're noticing or that you're chasing something or comparing like,
No problem,
Sit down and feel free to use that mantra as well.
But we do want to give judging,
We want to give it its week,
Right?
Its full week if we can.
Because the more we say that mantra,
The more likely we are to catch it.
Right.
And Tracy,
Thank you so much.
This is Tracy from Australia,
Right?
Who's coming to Mexico?
Yes,
It is.
Yeah.
Mainland Mexico.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh,
Thanks.
Okay.
All right.
Thank you all so much.
Have a wonderful Sunday.
We'll see you guys next week.
5.0 (6)
Recent Reviews
Alice
February 21, 2026
thank you for recording your talks. It’s always helpful to go back and listen 🙏✨🌞🙏✨🌞🙏✨🌞🙏