Healing Trauma 13: Regret, Anger And Grief

We feel emotion when we look back on our life and see how it could have been. If I had different circumstances, I wouldn't have struggled so much with staying awake at school. If I had secure attachment, I wouldn’t have been drawn to disastrous relationships. We feel ripped off and angry. Why did this happen to me?

We're back to this question of what I can do to support my nervous system so that I'm more stable, grounded, don't take things so personally, and have more resilience. Could I have some compassion for myself that I've had difficulty in my life, and could I let it go of shaming and blaming myself? Join us for a guided somatic inquiry.

Transcript

Welcome back to Healing Trauma.

Today we are working with regret,

Anger,

And grief.

When we look back on our lives and we see how it could have been,

It is natural to feel a lot of emotion about that.

If I had had different parents,

Different circumstances,

I wouldn't have struggled so much with staying awake at school if I'd been able to sleep at night.

I wouldn't have had this series of disastrous relationships.

There are so many things that would have been different if only our childhood had been different.

It's natural and healthy to feel regret,

To feel grief and sadness over what could have been.

When we think about someone who grew up in an environment where they felt safe,

Where nobody was yelling at them,

Nobody was scornful,

Nobody was pressuring them,

Nobody was pushing them,

Nobody was pushing them,

To be better all the time and to be perfect,

Where they felt included,

Where someone was paying attention,

They were being protected,

They were being cared for,

They were being parented.

So often that is just not the environment we were in as children.

And even people who have fairly good environments,

It's never perfect.

Some of the studies show that if you have good environments with your parents or other adults,

About 30% of the time,

That that's enough for us as a child to feel like we're cared for,

Like we're protected,

We're included,

Like somebody cares.

And our brain develops in a more optimal way.

We need to have a feeling that we're not on our own.

When we look into intergenerational trauma,

We can see the effect of the circumstances that our parents were in.

Look at the broad historical movements over time.

What was it like for grandparents' parents to be in World War I,

World War II,

The Vietnam War?

I can see and have compassion for my mother,

Who was one of the millions of women who were forced back into the role of homemaker and mom after World War II finished.

If she had been born 30 years later,

She would have been very successful in business.

We live in such difficult circumstances,

And we often blame ourselves for what's not working well in our life.

Even when we go back and we see,

This is what was happening with my grandparents,

My parents,

My teachers,

Other children,

We can understand on an intellectual level what might have been going wrong,

Or what was causing suffering for ourselves and others.

And yet we feel like we're in a world where we're not.

And we're not.

And we're not.

And we're not.

And we've been ripped off.

It should not have happened that way.

Many people question why it happened to them.

Why did that person get the good parents?

Why did I get the ones who were addicted or violent or mentally ill?

We go into blaming others or shaming ourselves.

We go into court efficiency beliefs.

There must have been something wrong with me.

I've got bad karma.

The past has changed.

I've got bad karma.

I've got bad karma.

I've got bad karma.

I've got bad karma.

The past is what it was.

We can't actually change the past.

We can change our relationship to the past.

And we can certainly heal a lot of the trauma and the damage and the less than optimal brain development that happened in the past.

If our circumstances were such that most of our neural networks were developed for protection instead of connection,

It's going to be more difficult for us.

We might have social anxiety.

We might have trouble.

Coming up out of freeze and connecting with other people.

With trusting other people enough to connect with them.

That's not how we're wired.

Or we might be someone who goes into more of a fight response.

The way we keep ourselves safe is that we're angry all the time.

We try to control everyone and everything.

The only way we can feel safe is if our house is in perfect order.

We fly into a rage when someone disappears.

Respects us.

We take things very personally.

We're left with this mixture of this isn't working for me.

I can see that I need to make some changes in how I approach this.

How I think about this.

And also how my nervous system works with this.

Part of it is we're back to this question of what can I do to support my nervous system so that I'm more stable,

More grounded,

That I don't take things so personally,

That I have more resilience.

And also somatic inquiry is really helpful here.

What is it that really sets me off,

Gets me dysregulated,

Puts me into a funk,

Into a rage,

Makes me want to escape into screens,

Addiction,

Some kind of avoidance.

And how can I approach that in a different way?

How can I approach that in a different way?

How can I approach that in a different way?

How can I stay grounded and centered and work with it instead of being in a reactive state all the time?

These are not easy things to work with.

So let's start there.

Could I have some compassion for myself that I've had difficulty in my life?

And could I let go of shaming and blaming myself?

Let's do some inquiry.

I'm not to blame for what happened to me as a child.

It was not my fault.

It wasn't bad luck.

It wasn't bad karma.

It wasn't God is against me.

Bad things happen and some of them happen to me.

It's not helpful to obsess about why.

Take a breath.

Let yourself open to that.

I'm not responsible for my environment as a child.

I had some difficult circumstances.

You might put your hand on your heart.

I can feel compassion for myself that I had a hard time earlier in my life.

If your mind comes in with the inner critic,

Well,

If you were smarter,

It wouldn't have happened.

If you had listened to your gut instead of going out with that person,

You wouldn't have been in that awful relationship.

That kind of backseat driving into the past is not helpful.

Not when we're shaming ourselves.

We might look to the past and see what we've done wrong.

But if we're not careful,

We're not going to be able to do the right thing.

Wow,

I was really disconnected.

And that's why I got into that relationship.

That was the first person who ever seemed to care about me.

Or the first person who ever protected me.

And I couldn't see how toxic it was at the time.

And now I can.

I'm going to take responsibility for healing that so that I'm not so vulnerable to someone else going forward.

I could have healthier relationships with trustworthy people.

Let yourself notice all of the responses that your body has as you're saying those things.

Sometimes it doesn't feel true.

Yeah,

I don't think I'm healed enough to have a healthy relationship.

I don't trust myself.

I don't trust other people.

Overall in my life,

Relationships have caused a lot of trouble.

I don't know.

Maybe I want to just stay on my own now.

Or I'm going to really be cautious.

Come back to the original.

I've had bad things happen to me.

I don't need to know why.

I'm not to blame for what happened when I was a child.

I could offer myself compassion.

Allow yourself to feel that in your body.

Regulate through your breath,

Through your body.

Notice your feet and seat.

If you have a lot of thoughts coming into your mind,

You could work with those directly.

You could do some tapping.

Put the image on a wall on the other side of the room in a frame.

Notice the space around the outside of the frame.

Take your eyes around that empty space a few times in each direction.

We might use tools like that when we feel like we're really getting sucked into a train of thought.

Otherwise,

We could notice.

When I think about my past,

These are the thoughts that come up.

Can I stay grounded in this present moment and work with them?

Allow them in.

Another inquiry statement might be,

I can afford to see the truth now.

I trust that I will stay present and grounded and compassionate with myself.

When I start to go into shame,

I'll notice that.

I'll come back out.

I'll offer myself some kindness.

Sometimes when we look at our past,

It seems so unfair because it is unfair.

We didn't do anything to deserve what happened to us.

And yet it happened.

Racism,

Sexism,

Homophobia,

Being without food or housing security.

There are some broad societal conditions that lead to trauma within families and within individuals.

Those are not our fault.

We didn't set that up and we are very personally affected by it.

A parent with mental illness,

Addiction,

Anger,

Someone who was so wrapped up in their own misery that they couldn't really be a parent to us.

Those are difficult conditions for a child.

And even as we recognize some of the dynamics that were at play,

We're still left with the fact that that wasn't fair.

I'm angry.

Notice what comes up.

I'm angry at the way I was treated as a child.

I'm angry that my parents were too messed up to actually protect me and parent me.

I'm angry at those bullies at school.

I'm angry that the teachers didn't see,

Didn't intervene,

Didn't protect me.

I am furious.

Sometimes it's helpful to let that anger be here.

Not to go into a rage response or a fight response.

We're not fighting for our life in this situation.

We're not spewing that anger out on somebody else.

We're allowing it to be here so we can feel it.

What does that feel like in your body when you're angry?

Oftentimes we're hot.

We're agitated.

Our throat might have a lot of sensation.

In a private environment,

We're angry.

We're angry.

We're angry.

We're angry.

We're angry.

We're angry.

We're angry.

We're angry.

We're angry.

We're angry.

We're angry.

We're angry.

We're angry.

We're angry.

We're angry.

We're angry.

We're angry.

We're angry.

We're angry.

We're angry.

We're angry.

We're angry.

We're angry.

In a private environment where you feel your anger and you can express it safely,

Let it come up.

I'm really angry about that.

How dare they?

Couldn't they see what that was doing to me?

Let yourself rage against that.

Let yourself feel the anger.

That was not fair.

It wasn't right.

I didn't deserve to be treated that way.

I'm angry.

As you're letting that be here,

As you're letting yourself feel that,

Notice what's happening in your body.

You might have an urge to run or to kick out,

To use your arms and legs.

If you do,

You could follow that urge as long as you're not hurting yourself or someone else.

Let your body do what it needs to do as you're feeling into this experience.

I'm really angry.

Remain aware of your breath.

The way we breathe when we're angry is different than how we breathe when we're calm.

You could allow yourself to remain a little bit grounded through your breath,

Even as you're allowing yourself to feel that anger.

If you're holding your breath,

Let it go.

You could let out your anger in a gusty sigh through strong words,

Actions.

And notice that anger is an experience.

It feels a certain way in our body.

It has a beginning,

A middle,

And then it starts to change or dissipate.

If you feel like you're going into a fight response or you're getting out of control,

Then do something to dampen that a bit.

You could break the pattern with some cyclic sighing.

Big double inhale through the nose.

And long,

Slow exhale.

Exhale through the mouth like you're breathing out through a thin straw.

You could move your body,

Shake.

Release that out of your body.

We're always working with this edge.

I'm not suppressing it.

I'm allowing myself to feel it.

And I'm also staying present and grounded.

I'm not letting it take over.

And notice what else is here.

What is under the anger?

As that heat evaporates,

That heat of anger subsides.

Often we're overtaken with waves of sadness,

Of grief.

Allow yourself to move into that as well.

Let that sweep through you.

Let yourself feel.

Notice there might be heaviness or tightness in your chest.

Maintain your breath.

If you're holding your breath,

See if you could let that go.

Let yourself breathe.

If tears come up,

Let them come.

I was really hurt.

I was so scared and so alone.

We grieve for the past.

And we also grieve the loss of the life we would have had.

That we could have had if we hadn't had so much trauma as a child.

If we had been protected and nourished and parented.

What might our life have been like?

And as you inhale and exhale,

Let yourself feel whatever is here in your body right now.

Knowing that we can come back to this whenever we like.

It's very helpful to do this many,

Many times.

I was really ripped off.

Through no fault of my parents.

Certainly through no fault of mine.

My parents were really struggling and they were not able to parent me in a way that was okay.

Or I was always discriminated against.

I wanted to be that kid.

Who was smart in school.

But I was always so exhausted.

I could never sleep at night listening to my parents fight.

What would my life have been like without all the trauma?

I feel so sad just thinking about that.

What I've lost.

How that intergenerational trauma has affected my parents.

Me.

My children.

People around me.

Let yourself come into that in your heart.

Let yourself feel.

And when it's too much,

Let yourself move away from it.

You don't have to do this all at once.

Allow yourself to ride the waves of what's coming through.

And at the same time,

Stay grounded in awareness.

I'm here for myself in a way that I haven't been able to be in the past.

And in a way that nobody else was there for me.

And now I'm building this capacity.

To be present and grounded and compassionate and kind.

I can allow what's here to be here.

I can look at some of those thoughts.

Why did it happen to me?

It's not fair.

And I can see them for what they are.

There's always a validity in them.

And many of them are not a pathway to healing.

There's a balance here.

Of not repeating.

Of not repressing.

Not avoiding.

And not being totally caught up in them either.

Being able to look at reality and accept it as it is.

I can see the effect of childhood trauma.

As a child.

As an adult.

I can feel it right now.

And I have the capacity,

The strength,

Determination.

I am on my own side now.

I can really be present for myself.

In a way that I've never experienced in the past.

Not like this.

I'm here for myself now.

It's legitimate to be angry and sad and grieving.

To feel regret.

To wish things were different.

And to also be grounded in the reality of this moment.

It is what it is.

This is helpful.

This is not helpful.

I have the strength.

The strength and the courage.

To work with reality.

And to do that from a base of kindness.

Present moment awareness.

And being on my own side.

This is what really heals.

Reviews

I am so grateful for your support. I reached out for help today from the depths of my pain and found this talk. Thank you.

I will return again and again to your talk Lynn, it was so helpful ! Thank you 🙏

Wow! Just what I needed to hear this morning. It’s not my fault, it’s ok to feel this way. Thank you 🙏

You were talking for me. I know I'm not alone in this group but I don't really want to be here either. I'm not in denial and don't wish to be a victim. More than anything I don't want to jump on the trauma bus. But still it is so.

Wow, this talk was excellent! I'm going to share with loved ones. Thank you!! 🙏🏻💚🙏🏻

Verify written and spoken , I did this first thing in The morning today, I’m constantly arguing w my husband and especially when we wake up and go to bed , I’m in transition of life w a toddler and this just opened me up to new possibilities of grounding I love the mantras in this class

You are the whole package! So succinct and so very helpful with all your live practices, you are awesome Lynn! 👏 🙏