The Confidence Shift In Men

Hey,

What's going on?

This is Ish,

And in this talk,

I'll be going over the confidence shift that happens in men as they go from a more immature,

Louder form of confidence to a more quieter authority that happens with mature confidence.

So this is something I observed even when I was a lot younger where A lot of older guys seem to have this sense of groundedness where they commanded the room and gave this authority of confidence without seeming to do much.

They would just speak and everyone would just stop what they're doing and listen.

And I always wondered,

Why does this work?

Or how did this happen?

And I've definitely noticed this as I've gone from my 20s to now entering my 30s,

Where there's been a subtler shift where I simply need to do less and I still appear more confident.

And I'll go over this process with you.

So let's talk about the more immature,

Louder form of confidence.

You can definitely see this a lot in younger guys trying to prove themselves.

You can see this in Conor McGregor when he was younger,

The UFC fighter,

Where he was kind of walking with a little bit of swagger and challenging people and he's very loud.

Or you can see a lot of rock stars or rappers,

Especially when they're trying to come up,

They are constantly bragging or boasting or talking about the different possessions that they have,

Whether it's cars or money and all these things.

And there's a certain air of trying to prove oneself.

Hey,

Look at me,

I'm awesome.

But before talking to you about some of the disadvantages of this form of confidence,

Actually there are a lot of advantages I want to go over.

Something that Ian Robertson talks about,

Who has written books like The Winner Effect and How Confidence Works,

Is that when you appear overconfident,

Other people actually prescribe higher status towards you,

And they see you as a leader,

Which is really interesting.

Because you evoke those responses in other people.

People typically don't have a lot of time to sort out other people's confidence.

So if you simply appear very confident and very sure of yourself,

Other people automatically defer and listen to you.

It may not be everyone,

But if you get enough positive responses from other people in the way that you act and behave and present yourself,

Then this becomes a self-fulfilling loop.

Where you start to believe in your own hype.

And actually influence the world all around you in a favorable way,

Or the way that you want it to be.

And when you also are overconfident,

You'll also start to begin to open up more doors,

Just because you're trying more.

And again,

You're knocking on many doors.

But there's a lot of effort involved in this sort of confidence,

And it's also very loud,

And it is a bit try-hard.

So what do I mean by this?

True power and confidence does not need to announce itself.

And that's a huge key here.

In these more immature forms of confidence.

It just seems like you are trying a bit too much and trying to prove that you're the best or whatever it is.

But what happens gradually over time as you begin to relax and settle into your confidence and power as a man.

.

.

There's a settling period.

And what you can do is,

Since you've accumulated a lot of positive responses from your confidence,

You can take that with you and you don't have to keep trying to gather more from the environment.

Instead of being externally validated,

For your image.

You instead shift your focus and you're more grounded within and more internally validated and self-sufficient.

Now when you are self-sufficient,

You need less from the environment and you don't actually care as much.

Because what happens,

And a big problem with this immature form of confidence,

Is that you're constantly needing the environment to respond in a certain way.

This is obviously a problem because you won't get what you want all the time.

And if you try to place a sense of self-worth in these things,

Your emotions will go up and down.

So you want to develop this spiritual quality of equanimity where you're unbothered by how the world reacts and rather you're basing your confidence on something more internal to you.

Now when we start to think about this form of mature confidence and authority.

Exercise you can think about is.

.

.

How would you act if you already knew that you are the leader in the group,

Or you're the most confident person in the room,

Or you're the most capable person in the room?

You'd find that you would simply need to do less.

So it is less of a showboaty kind of confidence where it's very visible and external,

But it's more of a quiet groundedness.

It comes from certainty.

And this is very important because you're now replacing this very try-hard way of being with the more quiet confidence that other people can actually pick up and read.

And as a result,

You can achieve the same results by doing a lot less.

And this form of effortlessness is actually a good sign because If you had already made it in life,

Let's just say you've been the the leader for years and years,

You wouldn't need to prove anything because you've already made it.

So as a result,

Your behaviors are more chilled out,

You're more calm,

You're more collected,

And you're more centered from within.

And this is very interesting to observe because you can actually get the same results of your confidence by doing a lot less.

And it comes from a place of calmness,

Of being grounded.

And of being certain.

And these are three qualities that you can learn to step into more and more as you learn to develop your confidence.

So now let's go over how to actually make the shift between this louder form of confidence to a more mature,

Quiet authority.

The first thing is that you still want to be taking action.

So you want to remember that part that you still want to take action in the world because confidence is built through taking action.

It's not up in your head and just believing things.

That's a part of it to have a good self-belief.

But the second part is actually taking action in the world.

So you still want to take action.

But instead of running around with your head cut off and having too much energy that spills over everywhere,

Instead you take action and you're relaxed.

So you can incorporate this quality of being grounded,

Of stepping back,

And just chilling out just a bit.

Think of it like relaxed action.

And relaxed effort in action is a sign of leadership and high confidence or high status if you want to use that word.

Because think of it like royalty,

A king or queen.

When we think of these royalty figures,

It doesn't seem like they're doing a lot.

For example,

A king or queen just sits on their throne and other people come to them and they just give different orders out,

But it doesn't seem like they are visibly sweating on anything.

And that's the more mature form of confidence you want to step into of this embodied.

Effortless Action and Effortless Calm.

So again,

This first tip is to step into effortless action or action that is taken with ease and relaxation.

The second tip is to speak less and observe more.

So instead of being the chatterbox that is very noisy,

You're actually taking a step back and relaxing and observing.

The environment all around you.

And this is actually a power principle talked about by Robert Greene,

Where he says,

Always speak less than necessary.

And you'll really start to realize the power of taking pauses,

Of silence,

And not revealing so much all the time.

And this is one way to step into this more mature authority.

Now,

The last tip is to be internally validated and try to step into this.

So this is something we talked about earlier.

Where the more flashier,

Immature version of Confidence Swagger is more externally based.

So it is dependent on other things and it is outward focused.

And this tends to have this air of approval-seeking,

Because you want others to acknowledge the certain image that you have of yourself.

And again,

There's a lot of problems with it because,

Again,

You're basing your happiness on something external to yourself.

Instead,

When practicing this more mature form of confidence,

You are being self-sufficient.

And you want to practice this by eliminating different ways that you seek approval from other people.

How do you live your life if you're not trying to.

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Gain validation or approval from other people and start to do that.

And now you can even start to see how this more immature form of confidence is actually very insecure,

Because it's constantly needing other people to react in a certain way.

And here we can actually step into more spiritual principles.

This is something talked about in the Bhagavad Gita,

For example,

Where you are entitled to the action itself,

Not the fruit of your actions.

So when you're taking actions,

You still have to take action in the world because you're a human being,

But you're not dependent on outcomes,

Which is more externally focused.

Instead,

You do things because it is simply the act of doing it,

But you have no attachment to the outcome of how things will be.

And this is great because you are now stepping again to this quality of taking action in the world,

But you're relaxed,

You're non-needy,

And you are more settled and composed.

So I hope you liked this talk on stepping into and transitioning to a more mature form of confidence,

Of authority,

Where you can actually do a lot less and still achieve the same result,

If not more.

And It is a lot smoother of a process and you'll find yourself settling into your groundedness a bit more.

And again,

This comes from doing less,

Of still taking action in the world,

But coming from a more relaxed and internally focused point of being.