The Pros & Cons Of People-Pleasing

Sometimes, we seem to be born people-pleasers. We have come to learn that it has a lot of drawbacks and can cause us a lot of pain in the long run. But what about the good side of people-pleasing? It's not all bad. There are actually some lovely qualities to this tendency. Let's look at all of us so that we can be discerning without throwing all of our "caring for others" qualities out the window.

Transcript

So today we're talking about the pros and cons of people-pleasing. And the reason I wanted to talk about this is we often talk about people-pleasing in the negative, You know, The damage or the dangers of being a people-pleaser and all that. And for me this has been a huge journey in my life. You know, I even wrote a book about it because there are a lot of challenges in being a people-pleaser and we've become people-pleasers. Oftentimes, Sometimes it's actually genuinely our nature in many ways, Which is what we're going to talk about today. And some of it is a reaction to living within this curious world we've lived in for millennia. And because of the nature of the patriarchy, Because of the nature of that domination paradigm, Where it's best to keep people happy if you want to have a job, If you want to have food on the table, If you want to keep your family safe. Being a people-pleaser is really important, But a lot of that is reactionary. It's the, You know, How they talk about the fight-or-flight response. One of the responses is also to fawn, To instead of fighting or fleeing, To just simply make everybody happy, To keep yourself safe. And there's a time when that's really important, But the problem is it's actually almost become a generational training to avoid conflict and never actually, You know, We really can lose ourselves in the journey. So it's really important that we do talk about the challenges of people-pleasing, But the problem is sometimes we end up throwing the baby out with the bathwater. And if you identify with being a people-pleaser, Or even at times, Even maybe today's talk, You're not really, I'm not really a full-blown people-pleaser, But maybe there are little pieces that you do identify with. The challenge is that there is a positive side to this coin. Being a people-pleaser is not all negative. It's not some big character flaw, Or some big problem with who we are. As dangerous as some of the qualities are, Or our habits, Or our actions, There are some really nice things about it too. So sometimes it's really important to understand our challenges, But also understand the bright side of them as well. So for example, One of the things that people-pleasers are really good at is they're really good at tuning in to the feelings of other people. This is a beautiful trait, To be empathic, To care how other people think, Or how people are feeling. This is really valuable. It also means that we are connected to the effects of our actions on other people. So that if I do something and it makes you sad, I'm aware of that. I care that what I did made you sad, Or that what I did made you angry. That's important. It's very hard to be around people who are oblivious to how their actions affect you. And so this is not a character flaw. This is a very positive thing, That you are empathically connected to the people around you. This is what empathy is, That not only do you feel their emotions, You are aware when their emotions have shifted. And because you have that, You are also aware of, As soon as I said that, Something shifted in them. That's interesting. This is a really valuable thing to do. But of course the challenge with that, All things come with that good or bad thing, Right? The challenge with that is, We can't always own other people's responses to us. Let's say I tell you the truth about something, And it could be, And I don't mean truth by, Here's what I think of you. That's just judgment. But I mean, You might say, Do you feel this way about me? Maybe someone wants to date you, Or they want to be a part of your life in some way, And you say, I don't really feel that way about you. And you may sense a sadness in them, Because you've said that. But that's not yours to fix. It's simply a natural emotional response to disappointment. The challenge is, We may then take that personally, Or we take it, Not take it personally, But we may own that and believe that now I've made you feel sad. And now I have to fix that. So I'm going to do all these things to make you feel better. Or even worse, I may not tell you the truth to begin with, Because I know it's going to make you feel sad. But now I'm not being authentic. Now I'm not actually existing as a person. I'm actually objectifying myself, So that I can now make you happy. But I have now disappeared as a soul. So we don't want to do that either. And this is where when we care about other people, When we can actually feel the emotions of other people, We need to have a different philosophy of living. If we have a philosophy that says, I want everyone around me to be happy all the time. And if they're not happy, Then it's my responsibility to make them happy. If that is my philosophy for living, That's going to be a tough one. I am going to spend my life twisting around other people, Trying to make them happy, And very likely not actually being honest with who I really am, Or, You know, My real path. Whereas if I have the philosophy that says, We are all on a journey, And on that journey, Our emotions tell us important feedback for the for our path. So in the same way that I may walk through my life and feel disappointed at times that things didn't work out the way I wanted, Other people also will feel disappointed at times that they didn't get what they wanted. There may be times that I walk through my life that I'm very angry about how something's happening, Something's going. In the same way, Someone else also may feel angry at times, Because things aren't going the way they wanted. It's not up to me to change their angry state or their disappointed state or their sad state. That's their journey. And of course, This is balanced with, Have I done something wrong that has hurt them? This is important. I'm not saying this whole thing that, Hey, That's your stuff, That's your emotion, I have nothing to do with it. I think we are always supposed to be responsible for how we act. Sometimes we make mistakes. Sometimes we're tired. Sometimes we ourselves are triggered, And we say things that are hurtful, That are unkind, That are unthinking. And this is where we, When we're aware of that, We have healthy guilt and healthy shame. We don't stay there and live there, But we actually stop and say, Oh wow, That wasn't okay what I just said. I'm really sorry that that was just me being triggered from something in the past, And it has nothing to do with you. I'm really, Really sorry. It's healthy. It's healthy to be aware, But not to backtrack on something that is simply your truth, But someone else is just disappointed that that's your truth. So this brings us into this, One of the lovely traits, Is the desire to make people happy. That's nice. It's thoughtful. It's giving. Someone's having a bad day, And you show up with flowers and, You know, Coffees, And, You know, It's like, You know what, Let's go for a ride. Let me take you for a drive. Let's go to that favorite bookstore you always love. You know what, I'd love to throw a birthday party for you. You know, I know you don't normally have birthday parties, But would you like that? And if you see them, Because again, You're empathic, And you care, And you notice that they kind of light up a little when you say it, You go, You know what, I'm gonna invite a couple people over, Because you know they're not super social, But, You know, To be celebrated would be nice. So you do those things. You do nice things for people, Because you want to make them happy. This is kind. This is being a good friend. This is being a great parent. This is being a great sibling. This is this is fun. This is the person at work who shows up with, I don't know, Donuts or maybe vegetables if everybody's on a diet. You know what I mean? Like, That's just the person, Because you know what, They genuinely like to make people happy. They're just fun people. Now the flip side is, It's not our responsibility to make everybody happy. Now again, These two sides don't delete each other, Okay? So just because I'm saying it's not your responsibility to make people happy, Doesn't mean you don't bring fun things to work every so often, Because you're doing it because it's fun, And you were inspired, And why not? Like, It's just fun. You know, One time, I have this habit of, If I see you, I'll say, Hey, What's shaking bacon? It's my favorite line, And I've been saying it forever. And so when my husband, When my ex-husband used to work at this one machine shop, I would call up and the boss would answer, And he'd say, Hi, This is, You know, Pitlane Automotive, And I'd say, Hey, What's shaking bacon? He would never know what to do with it, But I thought it was hilarious. Anyway, So then every time I'd call, I would say, He'd go, I don't know, Bacon? And we'd get into this weird conversation about bacon. Well anyway, It just became this thing, And if I walked in, In person, He'd say, What's shaking bacon? And anyway, Over the years, It just became this hilarious thing. So one year for Christmas, I bought everyone t-shirts that had some comment about bacon on it, And because it's funny, And I think that's hilarious, And I'm a people pleaser. So my people pleasing side, The negative side of it, Is that, Let's say you're my partner, Or my child, Or my friend, And you are unhappy. I can easily lose my life, And my entire path, Bending around you, Trying to make you happy. Maybe you have a general melancholy state. Maybe you're just in a depression. Maybe you don't even want to get out of it, Actually. Maybe you need to stay there for a while, And I will lose my entire life's journey, Twisting and bending around you, Trying to make you happy. And when it doesn't work, I may even feel like a failure. I may even feel like I failed you. It was such a massive deal when my children were young, And so most of you guys know this, But in 1999, I was 29 years old, I was married, My children were two and four years old, And I had a huge life health crisis that changed my whole life. And one of the things I realized in that time was that I was allowed to have emotions. I was allowed to wake up on the wrong side of the bed, And maybe stay there for a couple days. It never meant that I could be mean to other people, Or make other people kind of pay for my bad mood, But I was allowed to be in a bad mood. I was allowed to be sad. And I remember when my children were young, Before I was sick, If they weren't right, Oh my god, I would just bend around them. I would just be like, What can I do? What can I do to make you happy? What can I do to make you happy? After I was sick, I realized they're allowed to be sad. They're allowed to have bad days. They're not allowed to take it out on each other. They're not allowed to take it out on me, But they're allowed to be sad. It's a huge deal to allow people their own journey, And not think it's our responsibility to change that. So this leads into another lovely characteristic, And this is this characteristic of being responsible. People pleasers are often very responsible people. You can always count on them. If you make a plan with them, They will move heaven and earth to make sure they're there, To make sure that they satisfy the promise they made. This is a really lovely quality to have in a friend, Or a partner, Or a family, To know that if we made a plan, Everyone will still stick with the plan. It's really important. For me, It's very important because, Of course, I'm a responsible person. I'm a people pleaser, And it's very disappointing when people don't follow through when they've promised to do something. It's just a challenge, And eventually you just stop making plans with them, Because they can't be counted on. I have lots of friends who aren't people pleasers, But they don't make plans unless they know they can commit. If I say, Hey, Do you want to do this thing three weeks from now? They say, I don't know. I can't commit to that right now. But if they can, They do. If they know for sure, Then they do. Now, Of course, The flip side of this is maybe I should have said no, Because I wasn't feeling well. Maybe when the time came, I actually needed to honor my truth and say, I am so sorry. And I have to risk disappointing someone. I have to risk not doing the thing I said I would do, Because the situation changed. It's a massive deal. If you not only like being responsible, But you like being able to depend on other people as well, It's very hard to actually say no and back out of something when you need to. The other challenge with that is, Is when you always want to be responsible, Sometimes you won't be honest with people as to whether you actually can do something or not. A very good friend of mine who's not a people pleaser, She once said to me, She said, You know, I really appreciate that you are always there for me. But it also makes it very hard to ask you for help, Because I can't trust you that you'll say no if you need to. I can't trust that you're not going to sacrifice yourself or bend your whole life inside out to make it happen when it really wasn't that important to me. But if it was easy, I would love your help. But I don't want you to sacrifice yourself if it's not easy. And so it makes it hard to ask you for help, Because I don't want you to do it and I can't trust you'll be honest with me. So it's a very interesting thing that it's great to be responsible and it's also really important to be able to sit with ourselves and say, Is this a yes or is this a no? In my journey of healing back in 1999, Of course, This was a huge problem because in the end I didn't even have, Because I didn't have a no, My yeses meant nothing. I was just like almost an automatic robot that would simply just do whatever you asked whether I liked it or not. You know, So again, Katrina, The soul, Doesn't even exist. There is no discernment from Katrina's perspective. It's just the answer is always yes. And then I will bear the burden of that. And so back in the day, 1999, We of course only had phones on the wall and only one phone. And so my teacher told me to put a little sign above my phone that said, I'll call you back, Let me think about it. And so when someone called and asked me something, Instead of me just saying yes, I actually had to learn this new script that said, I have to think about it, I'll call you back. Because I actually had to give myself the time and space to possibly say no if that was my truth. Because of course that was my whole journey to healing, Was to come into alignment with my truth. Who am I really? You know, I once heard someone describe truth as your communication with the divine. Well, If I am never communicating with my own divine self, My higher self, God, Consciousness, The universe, Like what am I? It's not really me. I'm never going to be in alignment with who I am. Having a solid yes and a solid no, That actually is the most responsible thing we can do to ourselves and to our friends. It makes everybody happy to ask and fully understanding if you say no. And if you say yes, You can still show up with bells on. Another common trait of people pleasers is they tend to be great hosts and hostesses. They tend to be really good at making social connections. They meet somebody and they're good at speaking their language. You know, They're good at making them feel comfortable. And so they kind of, They find common ground. They find really good ways of relating with people. This is a really good quality. And again, This goes back to tuning in with what other people are feeling. Being an empath. Being an empath isn't just about sensing negative energy or sadness or anger or anything like that. Being an empath is actually being able to, In a heartfelt way, Connect with other people. So if there's somebody new showing up at work or coming to a party or meeting the family, You naturally empathically connect with them and say, Wow, They're kind of nervous. Okay, What can I do to help kind of shift that out? What can I do to help them? This is the natural role of empathy. So this is awesome, Obviously. Now the flip side is, Imagine every time you meet a new person, You kind of have to put on the role of the meet-and-greet person. You're always smiling and you're always happy. It's like, Hey, So glad you're here. Wow. You know, Have you met everybody? You know, Oh, This is so-and-so. This is so-and-so. Oh. And you're out actually putting on a role. You're actually putting on this hostess with the mostess. But what if you end up locked in there? What if you do that for decades? And one day you realize that's not really you at all. And maybe this new person, You don't even really like them very much. Or maybe they're actually very awkward antagonistic people. Not that awkward antagonistic go together. But what if you actually don't want to interact with this person? What if your spidey senses are like, I don't really want to interact with this person. But you've been doing this for so many years, You just do it anyway. And you're just playing a role. That's not always right either. So it's just always important to have discernment. It's great to make other people feel comfortable. Why not? We're all social social creatures. We all want to belong. We all want to feel like we fit in. It's a beautiful trait. But somewhere along the line we really have to find that discernment so that we're always being authentic. And we're not putting on a face. We're not playing a role. This also brings in the wonderful quality of being a peacekeeper. A lot of people, It's almost built into us. Sometimes it's because we genuinely just love when everything flows in harmony. And we really just want everyone to get along. Sometimes it's a response from our childhood. That maybe there was a lot of anxiety or violence or fighting in the home that we grew up in. And being a peacekeeper was the only thing that made life tolerable. And maybe it kept people safe. Maybe it kept you safe. So then it's actually almost an unconscious self-preservation response. It's good to have peacekeepers. It's good to have them in family, At work, In relationship. That you're not always on the offense. You know that if something happens it's not always this attack at the other person. That you do have something in you that says, Hold on a minute. I don't actually want to be fighting with you. What's going on here? And it just pushes us back, Sends us into our witness mind and says, All right let's look at this. Being a peacekeeper, Having peacekeeper qualities is really positive. It's a really good thing. But on the flip side, What if the bottom line is you are such a peacekeeper, You actually avoid all conflict. And what if you avoid important conflict? What if you end up ignoring true issues that need to be resolved? And when we avoid conflict, When we avoid the discussions that have to be had, We may end up prolonging very unhealthy situations. We may stay in workplaces much longer than we should. Family dynamics that are actually very toxic and very unhealthy for everyone involved, May go on for years. Because we're afraid of a blow-up. We're afraid of causing any problems. We're afraid of whatever. But it always reminds me of, Like it had to be ten years ago, This man came to me for counseling. And he said, I just don't know what to do. My wife, She's never happy. She's always yelling at me. She's always berating me. She's always just, It doesn't matter what I do. She criticizes it. And I just, I just don't know what to do anymore. So I said to him, I said, Well what happens when you mention this to her? And she, He says, Oh I've never mentioned it to her. I don't want to cause any trouble. He's not causing trouble. There is trouble. He's naming trouble. He's bringing trouble onto the table, So that theoretically two full-grown adults can discuss it. And this is where it's really important. There is a time for peacekeeping. And there is a time for holding our ground. And saying, Now that's enough. Now this is going to be discussed in sober mind. And we are going to have a full-grown adult conversation about this right now. And that could be even with children. It's like, I've talked about it before, When my kids were two and three years old, They went through all the normal struggles and temper tantrums. This world is very frustrating when we find out that we don't get everything we want. That is a very annoying reality that many of us to this day do not like very much. And when we're two and three years old, It often comes out in a tantrum. But when a three-year-old is having a temper tantrum, First of all, I can understand it. I feel the same way when I don't get my way. But one of us has to be the grown-up. One of us has to be of sober mind. And so you sit with them while they have their tantrum. And you let it, All that energy, Tucker them right out. And eventually they sit quietly and they look at you and they say, But mommy I really wanted that thing. I know, Honey. We just can't have it right now. Somebody has to be of sober mind. Sometimes it's the peacekeeper, But sometimes it's the one that says now this is going to be discussed, No matter how old we are. It's really important. The other challenge with being a peacekeeper is we may end up desiring peace so much that our life becomes a fantasy. That we look at the people around us and we tell ourselves stories about them. Oh yeah, Well he has a bad temper, But you know what? I mean, He has so many other good qualities. And he's so this and they're so that. And you know, She's okay. I mean, Yeah, She can really get mean at times, But you know what? You don't. And we tell ourselves stories, Like we kind of create caricatures of the people around us. But we don't realize that there's actually damage happening, Whether it's to ourselves or to other people. And we tell ourselves these stories for a long time. And it's just a case of every so often stopping and saying, Actually it would be really good if you go for counseling to deal with these anger issues, Because it's really pushing us apart. And I think it's really hurting you and it's hurting your relationship with the children. Ending the fantasy is really, Really powerful. Another great thing about people pleasers is we want to be good people. And I say good in air quotes. We want to be good people. And of course it often may come from as a child wanting to be a good little boy or a good little girl, Making our parents happy, Making our teachers happy. There's nothing wrong with that. In the Buddhist tradition, There is the Eightfold Path, Where you aspire to right thought, Right speech, Right action, Right mindfulness, Right attention. No matter what you're doing, Find the best way to say it. No matter what you're doing, Make sure that your attention is on the right thing. This isn't completely wrong. This idea of trying to be quote good, Trying to be a righteous, Literal righteous, Not the weird religious stuff, Truly righteous person, It literally means living in alignment with your truth. This is a really good quality. This is a really healthy quality to aspire to, Because it straightens our spine. It allows us to find our path, You know, And it allows us to speak in truth. It's really important, You know. And in this case, Right and wrong simply means that the righteous path is my path. This is how I speak. This is, These are the actions of Katrina, This incarnation. I'm not acting like someone else. I'm not doing this. My effort isn't being brought over here. It's actually in direction of the dreams that I want to manifest. This is a really healthy aspiration in life. But unfortunately, We live in a weird world that is full of judgment. And not discernment, But judgment. And that judgment is often defined by external things like the church, Like society, Like our family. This is right. This is wrong. If you do this, Very often, If you try to make me happy, That's good. And if you do anything to disappoint me, That's bad. So then what happens is, If we are really bound by what other people think is the right path, What other people think is right speech, What other people think is right effort, Then we're in big trouble. Because who's to say it's right? Who's to say it's right for you? One person might say, Oh you can't say that. Don't say that. It's gonna cause trouble. And you're like, But it's my truth. I have to share that. And it's, Or someone else might say, You don't want to waste your time doing that. That's a waste of energy. And yet it's the only thing your soul wants to do. So for you, It is right action. It is exactly your path. So it's a very interesting thing to be really clear that it's okay to want to be good. It's okay to want to be right and to do the right thing for you. Again, It's just so important that we don't define it by other people. The last thing I want to mention is very often people who are people pleasers don't want to be a burden on other people. So if we're struggling with something, You know, We just put on a happy face. And we're like, I'm fine. Like, Don't worry about me. No, Really. Really. I'm good. I'm good. Yeah, I mean, Yeah, There's been some tough things happening lately. But you know what? Other people have worse stuff going on, Right? Like, I mean, I'm lucky. I've got a roof over my head. I've got food on the table. What more can a person ask for? And sometimes it's really nice to not be a burden on other people. And I mean that because, Or I say that because sometimes we can get into the habit, Not people pleasers, But sometimes people can get into the habit of always offloading on other people. It's almost like you're afraid to ask how they're doing. Because you're just gonna hear about every rotten thing that happened in the last two days, The last ten years, In their whole life. And that is a burden. It's almost like you walk away and you literally feel like there's this weight on you. Because there is some, There is this desire in the other person that you also carry this weight that they're carrying. It's normally quite unconscious. But that does exist. And sometimes we become like that because maybe that's the kind of people who are around us a lot. People who are always offloading their stuff on you. So you're like, Inside you're like, I am never gonna be like that. I never want other people to feel like I feel when people do that. So again, We throw the baby out with the bathwater and we never share at all. But what that means is we never end up being vulnerable with people who love us. If someone says, How are you doing? And you really are going through a tough time, It's okay to say, You know what? Do you have a minute? I actually am going through a tough time right now and I'd love to talk about it. Sure. If they have time. Or if they have the space or the bandwidth themselves. And then you actually get to share what's going on in your life. And this is really, Really important. Because otherwise we may live our whole lives never feeling like anyone knows the real self. Again, I come from a long line of people pleasers. And I often think, I often think about my mom. And she was just like the light of the party. The light of the family. She was just everybody's best friend. She was just the most wonderful woman. But in hindsight, I mean, I didn't really know her as an adult because she died when I was 25. But I often wonder if she felt very alone. If anyone ever really knew the real woman. Because all we ever saw was the one that she wanted you to see. She wanted you, She didn't want you to be unhappy if she was unhappy. You know, I mean, So she was unhappy. You go and live your life. You'd be happy too. But then you end up just feeling very alone. Like nobody knows you. Nobody knows the real you. Plus, If we actually don't get to share with other people, We may miss out on some very important emotional processing. We can do a lot of work on our own. We can. We can journal. We can meditate. We can do yoga. We can go for long and angry runs. We can do these things to try to work through our emotional stuff. But there is something about sitting with someone and sharing those deep truths. And having them witness that. And allowing them to mirror for you. And to be able to say, Are you sure? Is this an old thing? Is it current? And for you to be able to go, Oh okay, Hold on, Let's let's look at that. It's so important. And maybe you find it in a counselor or a coach or someone like that. But to have that with your friends. To have it with a partner. You have this person that that you love. And that theoretically are your most intimate other in the world. To be able to be open like that. You know, And not everybody's healthy enough to be open with, Right? That's that's that's common. But as long as we're not hiding who we are. You know, As long as we're not hiding our truth or our sadness. Because what this can also do, It can leave us with a lot of repressed anger towards the world. And resentment. Because deep down here we are and we are busting our butts to make everybody happy. We are sacrificing ourselves at every turn. So that everyone else is happy. And nobody even cares. Nobody even knows what I'm going through. Nobody even realizes the sacrifices I've been making. That's a challenge. But if you have no one to talk to about that, You may never figure out that you're even doing it. We don't want to have resentment towards the people we love. We don't want to have resentment towards anybody. You know, It chooses from the inside out. We don't want to have anger that we have not released. And I don't mean releasing it at people. I mean that we've even admitted that we've sat with a friend on the porch and gone, Oh I am so sick and tired of whatever. This is really important. And so it means that on the one hand it's good to be conscious that if someone else is going through something, They probably don't need anything else in their sphere. They probably don't, They maybe can't handle our stuff today. But it doesn't mean we never share. And again, If you don't have anyone in your sphere, Then find a coach or a counselor or somebody who you can trust and you do enjoy talking to. And you can just share that with them and just say, All right that's out. And you can say like, Do you have any suggestions or what do you think? Maybe they do, Maybe they don't. Maybe the best thing was that you simply got it out. Because the key is, The positive side of being a people pleaser is really positive. So what matters is that we're aware of the flip side, That we share, That we're honest, That people still get to know the real self, Not just the smiley self. And then we get to go forward with all the good stuff too. So thank you so much for being here and I hope you have a wonderful day.

Reviews

I am to 100 % resonating with everything you shared. And i am deeply saddend by being mirrored so clearly and emphathically. Thank you.