Who You Are Is Important

As we grow up, it is easy to completely lose who we are as we adapt to our families and the society we grow up in. If we tend to be people-pleasers who always want to make everyone else happy and we like to keep the peace, it won't take very long before we barely know who we are at all.

Katrina reads Chapter 8 of Katrina's book "You Don't Have to Eat the Eyeballs: A Story of Travel, People-Pleasing & True Self-love".

Transcript

Chapter 8 Who you are is important At another point in my travels,

I decided to visit Malta,

A tiny island in the Mediterranean.

After traveling around Ireland and Scotland in January,

I thought a little warmth and sunshine would be just the thing.

I had chosen a little place through Airbnb as opposed to heading to one of the resorts,

And I assumed that it would be a little spot in a decent sized city.

But as the taxi cab wound its way to the tiny town on the south shore where my place was,

I was really starting to wonder where he was taking me.

All the buildings seemed destroyed.

There were crumbling homes and apartments everywhere.

Nothing seemed to be cared for.

There were people walking along the highway that definitely looked like they had had a tough go in life.

As the taxi drove into the little town,

I was getting concerned.

The homes just looked like lined up cement structures,

And I couldn't tell if they were inhabited,

Deserted,

Or if it was just a very poor neighborhood.

When I got to my place,

It was actually lovely inside,

Like really lovely.

My hostess was absolutely wonderful,

Friendly,

And so hospitable.

She was Maltese,

And she loved her country.

She was passionate about sharing the culture and her island.

She was truly wonderful.

The next day I went for a walk.

Most people I saw were British expats.

Britain had owned Malta up until 1964.

But once in a while I would see an authentic Maltese person.

As I passed them,

I would try to smile at them.

But they just bowed their head and walked away quickly so as not to make eye contact.

When I went to the small restaurants in the village,

I was initially treated the same way.

Honestly,

I felt like quite an intruder.

That was the only vibe I got,

Suspicion and the idea that I shouldn't be there,

That I should leave them alone.

So this would cause me to be even friendlier than normal.

I'm naturally pretty friendly,

But there is another gear that we can go into when we really want to put someone at ease.

When they found out that I was from Canada,

That often helped.

I would ask them questions about Malta,

Talk about my children and about being a farmer.

And by the time the meal was served,

They would have taken me under their wing like I was a local.

A few days later,

My fellow tenant and I decided to take a bus ride into Valletta,

The capital city.

In many ways,

Valletta is very beautiful.

Beautiful architecture,

The seas,

Statues,

Churches,

Etc.

Plus I got to eat pastizzi from a street vendor,

A classic Maltese food that my family friend used to feed us when we were children.

But truthfully,

I found it very strange walking around.

The architecture was a collection of all the cultures that had ruled Malta over the centuries and millennia.

There were signs of all the wealth of the conquering nations like Britain,

France,

The Arab nations,

Sicily,

Etc.

But where was Malta?

Where was the soul of the original people?

Suddenly,

Malta felt just like me.

How long had I been governed by others?

How often had I internalized the beliefs of my parents,

Family or friends?

In school,

I had done exactly what my teacher wanted me to do in order to get good grades.

I had listened to what society thought about the role of women,

Doing what we're told and being a good person.

And I know that I am by far not the worst off.

There are so many people who have been abused by their parents,

Priests or partners.

From the time they were born,

They were taken over completely,

Forced to do as they're told,

With a threat of violence,

Ridicule or abandonment hanging over their heads.

In many ways,

I feel like our psyches are a lot like the city of Valetta.

There are all of these huge constructs that might look great from the outside,

But they were built by others.

We were just the real estate that housed their pride,

Ideals and conquests.

And to make matters worse,

This real estate is also the field for many battles and torment,

None of which had anything to do with us.

This could look like parents working out their personal sadness and abuse by hurting their children.

It could be children being used as pawns in a bitter divorce.

It could be the churchgoer wracked with guilt because they had an impure thought.

But none of this has anything to do with the person themselves.

It's all about other people.

It is only other people's drama simply playing out within us.

As an example,

During the Second World War,

Malta was ruled by Britain.

Because of its strategic position,

It was used as an aircraft base and was therefore attacked mercilessly,

To the point that Churchill called it Britain's unsinkable aircraft carrier.

Malta suffered incredible destruction in battles that had nothing to do with her.

Does this sound familiar?

What happens when we are free?

So now let's imagine what happens to the Maltese people when the British gave them their sovereignty back.

Malta had been ruled by others for as long as anyone could remember.

Who is left when we finally get rid of the conquerors?

This can also happen in our own healing journey.

We heal and or integrate what has happened to us in our childhood.

We change our personal patterns to stop attracting abusive partners.

We increase our own self-worth and start standing up for ourselves.

But then sometimes we find ourselves in a very lonely place.

Not only are we lonely because we don't relate to many of the people in our lives,

We actually don't know who we are anymore.

I have a good friend who is part of the Alcoholics Anonymous program.

She had a horrible upbringing,

Filled with violence,

Neglect and substance abuse that no child or person should ever have to endure.

Since joining AA and doing an incredible amount of personal work,

She has come a long way and has become an incredibly wise woman with a lot to share with the world.

One day she was heading to a retreat and we were talking about a certain drama that was playing out in her life.

It was reminiscent of all the controlling people she had grown up with and she was struggling to separate herself from the pain and drama that was rising within her.

As we chatted about this,

I suddenly asked her,

So,

Who were you before the world started throwing punches at you?

She looked at me.

Tears rose in her eyes and she said,

I have no fucking idea.

The problem is that what we experience as children is our first experience being alive.

As a baby we form what we understand about the world.

We are learning about people.

We learn what is right and wrong based on what our parents praise or reprimand us for.

We also learn what the goals of life are.

Maybe it is to get married,

Buy a house,

Have two children and have an upstanding job.

Maybe it's to live close to the earth,

Living off the land and being one with nature.

Maybe it's thriving in corporate America.

Or maybe it's simply about surviving and living on welfare.

Within that specific perspective,

We also develop our own personality.

We may learn to be defensive as self-protection.

We may become a rebel because we deeply disapprove of what our parents or the society we grew up in believes and preaches.

We may believe that people always want something from us because we were either abused or people only gave us things when there were strings attached.

Within these experiences we mix in our own true nature.

We become a complex weaving of our actual nature and our upbringing,

So it's often hard to sort them out.

So we can imagine that at some point when we realize that we have been eating eyeballs to make others happy,

To be loved or to fit in,

It can be quite a challenging journey to figure out why we're doing it,

Where these ideas come from and how to move past it.

Becoming sovereign.

I love the phrase becoming sovereign because it basically means that now we get to be the king or queen of our own land.

We get to make the rules.

We get to decide who we let into our country.

We get to be the judge of whether something is right or wrong for us.

There is no longer another governing body that is able to judge us,

Not our spouse,

The church,

Our parents,

Community,

Family,

Anyone.

We get to be on top of our own mountain.

And even once we are free and allowed to make our own choices,

We may still feel completely lost.

We see this in parents whose children move out.

Their lives have been so completely defined by taking care of and making their children happy.

20 years later,

They are empty inside.

They have forgotten who they were before they had babies.

Sometimes,

When we aren't used to being allowed to have our own identity,

We may find someone or something else to define our lives for us again.

We may marry again,

Join a group that has a strong philosophy of living,

Or simply start worrying about what strangers think or the neighbors.

It's like we just don't know how to be sovereign.

And like Malta,

It may have been many generations since anyone was king or queen of their own land.

If Malta had had just one conquering nation take over for fifty years,

There would still be people who knew the Maltese culture intrinsically.

But when you've been run by others for thousands of years,

There are few people left to tell us who we genuinely are.

Similarly,

If we come from generations of people pleasers,

Then it might be difficult to find anyone in our family to look to as role models.

So instead,

We must dig deep within ourselves and define who we are,

Perhaps for the first time in generations.

Reviews

You have such a calming voice ,thank you,this has made me think more about who am I ✨️🕊🙏✨️

Food for thought. Great little narrative that gets the mind in a place of contemplation. Reminds me of Shakespeare’s quote: “nothing’s good or bad, only thinking makes it so.”

Amazing and very very inspiring story, leading to deep reflections about the person one is before and after our experiences with others.
Thank you!
It hits rock bottom!

This is a very beautiful way to find self compassion. Thank you so much. Your voice is really calming!

Really interesting and mind provoking and it was lovely hearing about Malta which I visited once and what a Beautiful country and the people who were so Welcoming

I chose this reading to listen to upon awakening this morning. It was the perfect choice. It was thought-provoking in such a good way. It left me calm and reflective about the road behind me and the one ahead. I will listen to this story again. Thank you Katrina.

So good! A beautiful analogy sepite the trauma Malta and its people endured. 🙏🏽♥️🕊️

Thank you for this insightful parallel you've shared here. Malta sounds somewhat analogous to my life growing up... and grown up. Ohhhh, how I long for sovereignty. It's never too late and we're never too old.🤞 I WILL find my self one day and then revel in the MaDnEsS!!!!! 💜 💫

A confirmation to find and walk my own path. Thank you.

I loved this 💫 I’ve been to Malta myself and saw things exactly as you described 😏 The only truly Maltese things there are the ancient monuments from 3000 Bc. I also, sadly, relate to how this can be the same in ourselves. A 12 step program helped me ditch a lot of old programming and gave me a new start with a recovering self. It is however a continuing journey as even now, new relationships or situations can lead me back into old ways of being if I am not ever vigilant! Thanks so much for this, I will remember this story if I feel like I am losing myself again 💫 Best wishes ❤️💫

Very insightful use of Malta experience to reflect how we may transform into a sovereign version of ourself. To recognize how we are a complex mix of life experiences that precondition how we relate to the external world. Thank you.

A wonderful talk and so true, thank you! 🙏🏻 I love the anology between Malta and the family and societal systems that try to control us…and how we have to find our own way through them. 🙏🏻🧡🌷

Needed to hear this today. So beautifully said. Thank you 🙏🏽

Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom. You spoke to my heart!

Lovely & interesting, you make it easy for me to think without boundaries & beyond any limiting beliefs. As I've come back to this & I love this look forward to readingmore&❣️⚛️🖤🌟
Thank you kindly♾️☯️⚘️☄️🕊
Namaste🙏🏼✨️🕯🌌

Fantastic. What a great way to help us to understand ourselves. Thank you 🙏🏻

Wow
Love the analogy of Malta and becoming sovereign

Wow! Brilliant!!
Thank you, you have left me deep in thought. Beautifully said.

Not much more tragic than the death of a culture. I’ve visited Corsica a couple times, it sounds similar only it’s still not independent but rather a French playground.

Loved that analogy . Beautiful makes me want to get that book.