After my breakup,
My heart was cracked so open.
I could feel life at such a visceral level.
It was like a whole new texture of experience.
But through that there was also so much pain.
And I remember having these moments of just wondering like,
Am I ever gonna be happy again?
Am I ever gonna feel stable?
Because the truth was that I was collapsed for a lot of it.
I was taken under by the grief and not even just the pure grief but mostly by my wounding.
By the stories and by the swamp and the heaviness of feeling like there was nothing I could do to fix the biggest problem I had.
And at some point it was like the clouds parted.
I could take a breath of fresh air and the ground felt stable again.
There was consistency.
I cried less.
I felt normal.
And I think a part of me grabbed on to that normal because I needed a break.
I needed to just feel okay.
And I did.
I felt okay.
I felt great.
And now as I'm deepening back into my service and my medicine and my heart is being stretched open as I can feel life flowing through me and life force moving and things wanting to be expressed.
My heart is being pulled and stretched and reopened again.
And I can feel the part of me that says,
No,
I'm scared.
I'm scared to collapse again.
Because that's the thing with grief and feeling is that you don't get to pick.
You feel the deep love.
You can also feel the deep grief.
And I started to feel today the bubbling of that grief.
That spot where I thought,
No,
It's still here.
And it's still here.
The reality of loving someone who's no longer in my life and the pain of that in many ways is still here.
And there was this part of me that wanted to just stop.
But I can't.
There's like no option to.
And I was on the treadmill four minutes into a walk and I felt the emotion bubble up and I stepped off to collapse and to quit.
And then I heard the voice,
No,
You can feel and move forward.
You can feel all of life and move forward.
So I got back on one step at a time.
I breathed and I pulled my attention in to my body.
Into the present moment.
Into every motion.
One step.
One step.
One step.
And I said I'm not stopping until this is baked and transmuted through my cells.
Until I've alchemized it.
Until it's my power.
Four minutes became ten minutes became twenty minutes became thirty-four.
And by the end I could feel an openness and a rootedness at the same time.
I could feel strength.
I could feel but I was not collapsed.
I was holding.
I was moving.
I'm just so grateful for my body and the lessons she teaches me.
Because we can feel and move forward.
