We Made Right All The Damage We Caused. Yep, All Of It

This is a talk on step 9 of the 12 steps. It is originally written as "we made direct amends to all people we had harmed, except when to do so would injure them or others." This step will lead to a lot of freedom when embraced and done sincerely.

May it be so.

Transcript

Step nine.

We made direct amends to such people whenever possible,

Except when to do so it would injure them or others.

Is how it's read as originally written?

I would say it probably should include,

I mean,

There's lots of probabilities in this,

Right?

But it's probably say to all beings I harmed.

Um,

You know,

Because if you have been kicking your dog or someone else's dog and that's not on your list,

Why isn't it?

You know,

Why isn't it?

The dog has feelings.

You hurt it.

Just a thought.

But,

You know,

This step can be maybe the hardest one,

Maybe the most freedom available from it,

Though.

And it's,

I think it's often one that can get glossed over pretty easily.

You know,

It's been a lot of,

It's been a lot of amends lists that I've been waiting on and have not received over the years.

And I've let it go,

Of course.

But it just makes me wonder about the depth to which people are really willing to go.

You know,

Like in step eight,

We became willing,

We made a list.

And as I mentioned,

Probably everyone you interacted with for more than three seconds,

And even some of those people,

I mean,

You know,

Belongs on the list.

And if I'm willing to make amends to them all,

That's like,

You know,

Most people I've ever met.

I haven't got a lot of amends made to me.

I'm just gonna say that I've made some to others,

Not all.

But,

You know,

Like I think about how much freedom is available in this.

And owning my harms,

What I've done,

Is like the path to it.

And,

You know,

Like every amends is gonna be different.

So this is,

You know,

Where it's like less and less cookie cutter.

You know,

There's some obvious stuff.

If you stole money from your dad for drugs,

Pay him back.

Unless you shared the drugs with him in which case,

No,

I'm kidding.

That's,

You still owe him the money.

You still owe him the money.

He stole.

You know,

If you embezzle from work,

Pay it back.

Slack another job at work,

You know,

Talk about it,

Own it.

Watching porn on the company computer,

Stop doing it.

Tell them,

Be honest.

It's their choice whether to fire you or not.

Although that segues into the harm yourself or others part.

And this is when it can get tricky and slimy as well.

Because it's real easy to be like,

Oh,

No,

That'll hurt if I do that.

There's like quite a bit of suggestion in the original AA literature,

Which I'm not a member of that fellowship.

I'm just saying that out loud.

So anyone who thinks I'm a violator can just settle down.

There's stuff in that literature that's like pretty indicative of like,

Oh,

Like if you're cheating on your wife,

But you're not now,

Don't tell her because it's just going to make her mad.

And you're going to get like,

You're going to break up the family.

The kids are going to have two Christmases now,

Which is better for them,

Obviously.

But everyone's going to be sad and it's going to hurt.

So there's a lot of permissiveness written in a lot of ways.

Written in a lot of ways.

And,

You know,

For a quick historical lesson,

It's pretty well known that the author of that book,

Bill W.

,

Was the promiscuous to say the least.

Some of the royalties from the old big book go to his mistress's grandchildren at this point.

If you are doubting this is true or care,

The name of said person is Helen Wynne.

You can Google that stuff.

It's really,

It's very available and you're welcome.

History lesson aside,

There's a lot of permissive stuff left listed,

Written in.

You know,

You can just be like,

Oh,

Like,

I can't do that.

I can't do this.

But you have to be careful.

And of course,

Like part of this process,

You know,

Like if we're really engaging and willing and honest about this process,

Probably we're getting guidance from someone other than a recording on InsideTimer.

Please be doing that.

I'm,

You know,

I'm only.

.

.

This is not enough.

You know,

Hopefully you're working with a group of peers,

A mentor of some sorts,

You know,

Maybe a chaplain.

I don't know what.

But,

You know,

Hopefully you're sorting it out and deciding on like what is.

.

.

Because like,

Let's use that example of,

You know,

Unfaithfulness.

Yes,

That will cause harm.

And the partner who was cheated on deserves to make the decision whether she wants to stay in a relationship with someone that's been unfaithful or not.

You know what I mean?

Like that other.

.

.

You're taking their autonomy away by withholding that from them.

Because that's a pretty major.

.

.

That's a pretty.

.

.

It's a pretty major deal breaker for most people.

Like the average person,

You know,

Like if you're having affairs,

That's a deal breaker.

So like to rob them of that choice,

You know,

Like obviously like you won't.

.

.

You won't have to face the consequences if you don't tell them.

But it's.

.

.

I wouldn't say it's exactly in line with spiritual values and principles,

Which is what we're doing here,

Right?

Like we're not,

You know.

.

.

I would suggest that we're not here trying to live by the like the letter of the law.

Like doing this in a legalistic way probably won't get you the most freedom.

Like what is the spirit of what we're trying to do here?

Like that's the point,

You know?

Like one guide here that I'm looking at in my hand says that the question attached to step nine is,

What is integrity?

What is integrity?

So,

You know,

Would integrity be to just like have kept the affair behind,

You know?

Have had affairs,

Not tell anyone.

All right,

So I've beat that affairs example to death.

But there's others,

You know?

Like what if,

You know,

What if you stole a bunch of stuff and it's not past the statute of limitations and to disclose it would send you to jail,

You know,

Thereby like robbing your family perhaps of income.

Or maybe you're single,

In which case go to the time.

It's fine.

You'll get it.

You'll get out.

It's just scarier in theory.

I mean,

It's not like whatever.

Just don't get yourself thrown on a gang unit.

You'll be all right.

But,

You know,

Like if you have people to support,

Whatever,

Like,

You know,

Maybe there is something to it.

You know,

Like maybe there's something to like,

Oh,

Like maybe then I can make,

You know,

Because the step says we make direct amends when possible.

When it's not possible,

We can make direct amends.

You could give this company some money anonymously for what you've stolen,

You know?

Like if you're embezzling at work or slacking off,

You could put in a few extra hours whatever.

That's very direct,

Obviously.

I'm jumping around here.

But there are ways to make direct amends.

You know,

Someone's dead.

They still are owed amends.

Because like,

And in truth,

Like,

You know,

I say they are owed amends.

But really you owe yourself amends.

And that's like kind of the whole thing.

Like it's all about you.

And I know you already know and believe that deeply,

That it's all about you.

But I'm here to tell you it's all about you.

But in this,

Just in the sense that this is for your freedom,

Right?

Like the byproduct of making these amends may indeed grant others freedom,

May indeed mend relationships,

May indeed allow some other people to breathe a little easier.

You know,

Like maybe someone on the other end of one of these amends has been just like fuming and hurting and sad for a long time.

And the act of you coming clean or owning your part or giving them the money you stole is just going to like free them up,

Free up their spirit a little bit,

Maybe.

But I'm pretty sure it will for you because you're taking responsibility for your life.

And you're taking responsibility,

You know,

Like I'll stop saying you,

Like,

I mean,

Talking to you is what's hard not to.

But like for me,

Like this stuff showed me that I can get through it,

You know?

Like from minor to major,

You know,

Like this one time I was at the mall and,

You know,

There's those like gals that can like stand outside the mall,

Like the cosmetic stores and they'll like put cream on your hands and stuff.

One of them like lured me into the store and eventually she gave me her phone number,

Whatever.

And I was like,

I'll totally take it.

I'll totally call you.

I was like,

I'm never going to call this person.

I'm totally not interested.

That wasn't,

I shouldn't have even taken her number.

I saw her later in like a winner's and I was like,

Hey,

Look,

I'm sorry I led you on.

I was never going to call you.

I shouldn't have taken her number.

And like,

She was like,

Oh,

You're being really honest.

I'm like,

Yeah,

You know,

I'm working at it.

And like,

I think she appreciated it,

You know?

Like,

I don't,

Like,

I mean,

Maybe there was a part of her that was sad,

But I think she like felt it man.

And it just,

It didn't hurt her.

It definitely healed me.

You know what I mean?

Like it showed me that I can be honest and that people will be okay with it.

I can tell the truth.

I can,

I can be real.

You know,

I've made some amends with people from like many years ago and had often had the response of,

Yeah,

I forgave you a long time ago.

I mean,

I heard one that was like,

I forgave you a long time ago.

I hope you forgive yourself.

That's my cousin.

I paid her back the money anyways.

And it's empowering,

Man.

Like I've felt empowered a lot by these amends.

And you know,

Like there's some that I've kind of like done in a way that was like half-assed,

You know?

Like the kind of instructional video ways,

Like you really be clear about like,

Hey,

I did this at this juncture and I'm,

You know,

This is what I'm gonna do to make it up.

And that's cool.

You know,

That's totally cool.

And like,

You know,

Like I think of the amends with my dad.

There was so much,

There was so much.

I kind of,

Like I should have had like a PowerPoint of like,

In summary,

I'm like going through the years,

Right?

Like,

So I mean,

I pretty much just like did it in a very succinct,

Like,

Hey man,

Like I really,

I mistreated you over the years,

You know?

Like I just want you to know that I'm sorry.

And I know how much harm I caused you.

And he's,

You know,

He did the same,

You know?

Yeah.

So this process can be really freeing.

I mean,

You can take it to any limit,

Right?

Like you can take it as far as you want or don't want,

But it's,

You know,

You're going to get as much freedom as you put in.

You know,

Like I know like a lot of people that just make the big,

Like three or four,

You know,

Like they make amends to their parents,

To their wife or their husband and their children.

And like,

Those are the things,

Those are the people that really matter.

And that's,

You know,

It's like,

Yeah,

Sure.

I mean,

That's a way to approach it.

I mean,

I think it's,

I don't think it's in line with what we're doing here.

I mean,

I think honestly,

Like if I'm,

If I'm being really honest,

I think that's a really like self-centered approach to this step.

And it's also not going to lead to the best,

Like the most results,

You know,

Like,

It's like a very much like,

Get on with this kind of method,

In my opinion.

You know,

There's like,

It doesn't,

And it doesn't need to be a big thing with everybody either,

You know,

Like,

I remember one of my old sponsors,

I was just too,

Like,

I didn't know how to like,

Tell him I was finding a new sponsor.

And I just like ghosted him.

I just ghosted him.

Stopped talking to him.

I love this man.

He loved me.

We're in a great relationship.

I just ghosted him.

A year later,

I just talked to him,

You know,

I just owned it.

I was like,

You know,

I made amends.

I just said,

Man,

I really should have called you.

And I'm sorry,

I didn't.

And I wish I would have.

I'm like,

That's a simple thing.

And it lightened my load,

Man.

Like it lightened my shoulders.

You know,

Like I,

Everything I avoid,

Like for me,

Everything I avoid is weighting me down.

It's weighting me down.

You know,

And I can pretend I don't give a shit about stuff.

And I'm like,

Oh,

That one doesn't matter to me.

And like,

You know,

You could argue that,

Right?

Like,

Well,

These amends aren't affecting me.

These wrongs I've done,

Like,

Like I stole $50,

000 worth of things from Superstore.

I don't feel bad about it.

Nonetheless,

I bet you I might feel better if I try to do something about it.

So I'll wrap this one up.

It's,

There's not much more to say.

You know,

It's just like,

Don't rush into this.

You know,

Like don't rush into this.

There's like old jokes,

But it's like,

I mean,

I want it,

People want to do step one,

Nine and 12.

I'm here,

I'm sorry.

And how can I help?

That's not the best approach.

You know,

Like there's a reason that we look at our maladaptive patterns and or,

You know,

Quote unquote character defects before jumping into these steps,

Before jumping into the amend steps.

Because like those patterns are what led us to make damage in the first place.

And if I'm not,

You know,

If I haven't dealt with impatience,

Chances are I might be rushing into making amends that end up getting me smacked or punched or who knows,

Kidnapped and thrown in the desert.

Worst case scenario,

You know,

Like,

Well,

Who knows what could happen?

You know,

Like if you're making,

If you don't consider the harm that can be done,

Harm might happen to you,

To someone else.

It's like,

And you know,

You might have like a part in something where you amends where someone else was involved as well.

And if you like come clean,

It's going to harm that person.

So like,

And I can't tell you what to do.

Like,

I know I've been telling you what to do a little bit and then forgive me,

I get a little excited.

But the truth is like,

Consult with someone you trust,

Maybe even some people you trust and sort out like,

Look,

What's the cost benefit,

You know,

Analysis here.

Because like,

You got to do what you got to do.

And if you can't make direct amends,

Just making direct amends,

You know,

Like there's always options.

Just give yourself a break.

You deserve to feel free.

You deserve to be free of your past,

Don't you?

I mean,

I think I do.

So until next time,

Maybe free,

Maybe well,

Maybe joyful.

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