Chapter 10 What About Our Triggers?
Why are you wearing makeup?
The father presses,
Staring at his teenage son,
Who is experimenting with eyeliner and lip gloss.
And girl's clothes,
The mom adds,
Gesturing at the fitted jeans and flowing top.
Ari,
Who is assigned male at birth but is beginning to explore a female identity,
Sees and feels the worry,
Concern,
And anxiety radiating from their mother's face and the confusion and judgment coming from their father.
I'm fine,
Nothing's going on.
The mother nervously looks toward her husband,
Adding another layer of tension to the suddenly quiet kitchen.
Clearly everything is not fine,
But it doesn't mean things are bad.
This could have been a great opportunity for these parents to have first become aware of their unconscious judgment and anxiety,
Set it aside,
Then inquire with genuine curiosity and care about what's actually going on with their kid.
Let's understand what's really happening beneath the surface of this interaction so more moments like this aren't tarnished with unconscious reactions.
The Missed Opportunity Ari is starting to feel liberated and empowered by this new self-awareness about their gender identity.
They're taking courageous steps toward expressing who they truly feel they are inside.
But they have zero intention of sharing any of this profound personal discovery with parents whose immediate reaction is judgment and interrogation.
Ari is beginning to understand they might be transgender.
Despite being born male,
They feel female.
This is scary and beautiful and confusing all at once for them.
It's deeply personal.
But instead of curiosity or support,
Ari is met with,
Why are you wearing?
As if the young person's authentic self-expression is a problem to be solved rather than a person to be understood.
What happened in that kitchen is a perfect example of how emotional triggers can hijack our best intentions.
These parents love their kid deeply.
But in that moment,
Their fear and discomfort eclipsed their capacity for curiosity and compassion.
Their triggers about gender norms,
Safety concerns,
Social acceptance created exactly the opposite response from what their child needed.
Now,
Here's the thing.
We all have moments like this.
Moments when our emotional reactions sabotage the very connection we're wanting to create.
The question isn't whether you'll get triggered,
You will.
The question is what you'll do with those triggers when they arise.
Your triggers are roadmaps to freedom.
Listen,
Being emotionally triggered sucks.
You feel like you're at your worst and can't seem to find a way out,
Even if you wanted to.
You don't like how you feel and usually don't like how you act,
At least upon reflection.
But when you look at the anatomy of those triggered moments,
They reveal the most important ways you sabotage yourself.
Triggers show you how you create barriers in your relationships and,
Unfortunately,
How you affect your kids in ways that are completely opposite to what you intend.
Yes,
They always have their origins in keeping us safe,
But for most of us,
Those uncomfortable moments of defensiveness,
Frustration,
Or withdrawal have limitations that have far outlived their initial intent of keeping us safe.
When you become familiar with what's getting emotionally triggered inside you,
Not the circumstance,
Not the other person,
Not the systemic issue,
You'll find a key to unlocking your own freedom.
You'll become aware of the obstacles you've created that limit your ability to live fully.
These obstacles make your relationships,
Career,
Health,
And especially your bond with your kids more challenging.
When you reflect on how you're getting upset,
You get the opportunity to see how your kids reveal an unspoken blind spot in your evolution.
But what happens when parents don't do this reflective work?
Living in historical wounds.
Those parents who don't take time to reflect navigate feeling triggered by attempting to control how other people feel and act.
They stop being strategic or curious and become reactive and impulsive because they're being driven by an internal historical wound misplaced from another time,
Another situation,
And usually another person.
They aren't present with their kid in front of them or the real-time situation occurring.
They're stressed,
Anxious,
Upset,
Angry,
Frustrated,
Worried,
And all of these become a lens through which they see and experience their wonderful kid.
When they show up in these unintentionally reactive ways over long periods of time,
Kids may start making life choices based on navigating the parents' emotional difficulties.
The identity example.
Let's take our example of Ari,
Who is exploring their gender identity.
They don't tell their parents about their inner discoveries because of their parents' obvious triggers about the trans and queer community.
Why would this kid unveil something so deeply meaningful about who they are,
Something that is currently under construction,
To parents who clearly aren't curious or open-minded?
Ari's parents could take away their phone,
Not allow them to see inappropriate friends,
And who knows what else.
When triggers push kids away.
The parents' emotional triggers,
Which they've never reflected on,
Communicate loud and clear more than any conversation could.
So kids who are exploring who they really are find friends who unconditionally accept and appreciate their non-conforming ideas.
Unfortunately,
Their friends often don't have the ability to appropriately guide their fellow youth through potentially challenging explorations like this.
The parents of Ari have unintentionally repelled their beloved child into the social jungle.
Out there,
Ari is far more willing to abandon the wonderful core family values they actually believe in just to get the connection they could have had with their parents.
Their parents unknowingly sacrifice their influence in order to keep their judgments.
This pattern plays out in countless families,
But it doesn't have to be this way.
Deal with your stuff.
The takeaway?
Become aware of,
Then deal with your stuff.
Please.
Then practice extracting yourself from it.
So how do you do this?
Find community,
Therapy,
Coaching,
Personal and spiritual development seminars,
And other helpful insight and growth-based support systems.
The two most critical aspects of these support networks?
Feeling supported and being challenged.
Not just one or the other,
Both must exist.
Find someone or a group of people who can supply you with equal amounts of compassion and a near intolerance for you living in your own smallness,
Victimhood,
Or limitation.
For myself,
Two core principles emerge whenever I am an attendee or a leader of transformational workshops.
I was loved when I thought I didn't deserve to be,
And I was compassionately confronted on something I thought I didn't want to see.
Finding the right people who can both support you when you're stuck and challenge you when you have a blind spot is critical to transformation.
Why?
These people can give you what so many of us never received,
Unshakable care combined with appropriate,
Attuned boundaries.
These kinds of communities can provide a living example of something we didn't have the ability to do for ourselves,
Let alone for others.
And here's a beautiful truth that can benefit you when you engage in this work.
Your external world becomes your internal world.
The more you surround yourself with people and in communities you want to be like,
The more you become like them.
The more your results look like theirs.
Your relationships will get better.
Your circumstances will improve.
Your life gets upleveled.
And yet even with the best support system in the world,
You'll still get triggered.
The goal is to change how you relate to triggers,
Not to get rid of them.
So let's talk about how you do that in the moment when you're overwhelmed.
Acceptance deactivates triggers.
Over the 20 years I've been both practicing and teaching transformation to people,
The one practice I've found to have the most surprising effect with people feeling remarkably better?
Acceptance.
Acceptance of what?
When we practice accepting the feeling we don't like,
It dissolves.
Our acceptance of triggers dissolves them.
If you accept you're having an unpleasant experience and face it for what it actually is,
A feeling in a moment,
The trigger suddenly changes from being immovable and rigid to something malleable and navigable.
It might make the experience more emotional,
But that's good.
That means it's moving.
Through acceptance of our emotional experience,
We give it the permission to pass through us so that something new can be created.
With consistent dedication to accepting the unpleasant emotional experience inside of us over time,
It will dissolve.
It has to.
Why?
Well,
Acceptance is the lack of resistance.
Eliminate resistance and you have acceptance.
Acceptance means you activate your heart and open yourself so the energy of life can flow.
Emotion means energy in motion.
When you fully accept any emotion inside you,
Something powerful happens.
You remove the internal obstacles to feeling it.
Resistance,
Defensiveness,
Blame,
Victimhood,
Unworthiness,
All of these come and go and you allow the original emotion to pass.
For example,
You're irritated with your spouse because they are always late.
But you don't want to be irritated because you have an important work meeting with clients where you need to be on your game and delightful.
Instead of stuffing away your irritation,
You take a deep breath,
Relax,
Realize you'll have to have another conversation with them about the importance of being on time,
Which has you feel irritated again.
Then you take another breath,
Accept the experience of the irritation,
Allow it to pass and continue on to your meeting.
Something is different,
You realize.
You're more spacious.
This isn't compartmentalization.
This isn't avoidance.
This isn't even moving on.
It's allowing the experience you're actually having to move through you.
Because when it comes to emotional experiences,
What we resist persists.
As we allow it to move,
It does.
As long as we don't hold on to it or bring it back with an emotional charge like resentment or righteousness.
This whole process sounds simple,
And it is.
But it isn't easy,
At least in the beginning.
The three-step process.
When you're really connected with whatever difficult emotional experience exists inside of you,
It won't last long.
It may mean you cry,
You let yourself be pissed,
Or finally feel the depth of your own despair.
But eventually,
With the right support and right attention,
It will run its course.
Once even a hint of relief occurs,
Take some kind of productive action.
This will reinforce the space the relief is making inside of your own system.
Go for a walk.
Talk to a friend.
Have a hard conversation where you take ownership.
Express vulnerability.
Hold a boundary.
Give feedback.
Or maybe take a bold step towards something that will move your life forward.
Here are the steps.
Awareness,
Acceptance,
And action.
Become aware of what's happening inside.
I can't believe my kid skipped school again after we had what I thought was a real heart-to-heart last night.
I can't believe this is happening.
I'm so effing pissed right now,
And actually quite heartbroken.
I really thought he meant every word he said.
If he's high when I get home,
I'm going to lose my shit.
Then practice acceptance.
I'm just going to take some deep breaths.
Oh my god,
I can't believe he did that.
What the eff is wrong with him?
Oops.
Right.
I'm breathing and welcoming and accepting this anger inside of me.
Welcome the feelings of anger,
Resentment,
Fury,
Disappointment,
And heartbreak.
Heartbreak's a big one.
I can't believe he would do this.
Tears start to run down your cheek,
And you just keep breathing in your heart.
A tenderness comes over you because you're letting all of this just happen.
Then you take an action from the more open place inside of you.
You text him.
I just got a call from the school.
I'm really upset with you.
I'll see you tonight at 7pm.
He texts back right away.
It's no big deal,
Mom.
The school just made a mistake,
I promise.
I might not be home for dinner.
The boys are going out after practice.
Love you.
You take another deep breath,
Become aware of the flood of all of those feelings coming right back again,
And respond.
I'll see you at 7pm.
This isn't optional.
You're still upset,
But it's more manageable now,
And you're definitely more aware.
Practice gave you some space to put together at least a few rational thoughts.
You feel good about your clarity,
Your boundary,
And are pensive about how you'll handle tonight.
You're surprisingly relaxed because you remember he's the one responsible for his choices,
Not you.
The school will reprimand him.
You'll probably take away his phone and not let him go out for a while.
But at the same time,
You're actually curious what he's going to say,
Despite having your doubts about this being not a big deal and just a misunderstanding.
You practice these steps a few more times throughout the afternoon,
And get in the routine of making dinner as you await his arrival.
Huh,
This actually works,
You reflect.
The more you use this practice,
The less emotional triggers will reign their dominion over you.
You'll be able to parent from conscious choice rather than unconscious reaction.
You'll be able to respond as the parent your kid needs,
Instead of letting your triggers do the parenting.
Understanding your triggers also reveals something crucial about how you approach parenting itself.
Triggers inspire people to lock down under tension and stress.
They create compelling reasons to control rather than remain open,
Seek to understand through curiosity,
And lean into trusting with verification when appropriate.
In the former example,
The parent unsurprisingly discovers there wasn't a misunderstanding,
And that in fact her son did skip class.
However,
He sincerely owns that he lied.
He really effed up,
And he knows he shouldn't be allowed to go out.
He's getting the severity of having so many unexcused absences at school,
And is realizing he's not on a good path.
You're surprisingly relieved that there wasn't a huge blow-up,
And you can't help but wonder if your own inner work helped create this outcome.
It did.
Because you didn't allow yourself to get so worked up before the conversation,
You actually have a delightful night of popcorn and a movie with your sweet,
Sometimes idiotic,
Son.
And even though you're still a bit upset that he broke his word from the night before,
You're getting that this is his mess to clean up,
Not yours.
Plus,
Something seems to have clicked for him after the talk last night and the guilt he felt from hurting you today.
Which is good,
Actually.
It seems like it could be a turning point for him.
And all of this was made possible because you became emotionally available to actually connect with him.
How?
You softened,
So he softened.
You didn't react,
So he was thoughtful in his response.
Your vulnerability and openness compelled him to do the same.
Your open communication about how you felt hurt and betrayed,
Combined with letting him know you expect him to keep his word with you,
Woke something up in him.
That something was his heart,
His goodness,
And his remembrance of who he is and who he wants to be.
Well done.
The foundation beneath the practice.
This example shows what becomes possible when you practice the three-step process consistently.
Your emotional work created space for your son's transformation.
Your acceptance of your own feelings made it possible for him to accept his own responsibility.
But remember,
This process only works when it's built on a foundation that many people resist.
One that might challenge everything you've been taught about emotions,
Responsibility,
And what it means to be a good parent.
This foundation is both the most difficult truth to accept in this entire book and the most liberating.
It's the key that unlocks every other practice we've discussed.
Without it,
The three-step process becomes just another technique.
With it,
Everything shifts.
So let's go there.
Take responsibility no matter what.
The outside world has an endless supply of triggers,
And we think the world is responsible for why we feel the way we do.
But the key that can completely shift every relationship in your life is this.
You and only you are responsible for how you feel.
You are also responsible for the meaning that creates those feelings.
Most people talk about being upset by things happening out there in the world.
Something happens and we're understandably affected.
War,
Disasters,
Loved ones die,
People betray us,
The economy tanks.
There's nothing wrong with getting upset by these things.
Most people would say it's natural to feel these ways when something awful happens.
The distinction most people miss,
However,
Is that it's not the circumstances that create our emotional experience,
It's how we relate to them.
People think circumstances are responsible for how we feel.
But they aren't.
They just provide compelling reasons for us to feel the way we do.
The choice of how to respond is really up to us.
This doesn't mean you should immediately be grateful when you find out your husband has cheated on you or when your mother dies.
It means recognizing the distinction between out there and in here.
You can't necessarily control what happens out there,
But you do have a say over what happens in here.
A Personal Story of Loss The text came at 11.
47pm on a Wednesday.
Call me when you get this,
It's about Marcus.
I knew immediately.
You don't get calls like that about good news.
Marcus had been a beloved client of mine for two years.
We had an easy,
Collaborative,
And jovial connection.
He was a brilliant,
Sensitive kid from a family farm who had studied film at a prestigious art school.
For months,
We had worked towards this moment.
He had just moved to Brooklyn to pursue his passion of getting on movie sets.
Just yesterday,
We'd laughed on the phone about his rookie mistakes in the city,
Getting busted for jumping turnstiles to impress his friends,
Saying please and thank you so much that New Yorkers told him to cut that shit out because he sounded like a tourist.
Tomorrow,
He was supposed to start working with my friend's production company.
His lifelong dream was finally within reach.
Loss Teaches Love His mother's voice was steady but hollow when I called her back.
Marcus died in his sleep.
Fentanyl overdose.
He relapsed Tuesday night.
I was gutted.
I'd just spoken with him.
We'd celebrated his new apartment,
His upcoming job,
All the possibilities stretching out before him.
24 hours later,
He was gone.
I immediately thought of his mom and did what I could to comfort her.
We cried together,
Shared memories and laughed.
Then we cried again.
I told her I would do anything I could for her and the family.
She thanked me.
I thanked her for calling to let me know.
We talked about staying in touch over the coming days.
Then the rage came.
White hot and consuming.
Why didn't this beautiful kid get to live his dream?
I hated that he chose to get high the night before the biggest opportunity of his life.
I hated that some dealer had sold him poison.
I hated that all his intense therapeutic work,
All his promise had ended in a Brooklyn apartment where no one found him until it was too late.
And I'm a monk.
I'm supposed to be chill and understand there's some greater plan,
Right?
Well,
In that moment,
I thought,
Fuck the greater plan because I hated everything about this.
And suddenly and viscerally,
I was reminded again why we run from pain.
Why we cut ourselves off from people that care about us.
Why we stop doing things that are good for us.
Because sometimes it's just too fucking much.
So I screamed.
I sobbed.
I raged against the injustice of it all.
And I shared it with the people I was closest to.
After some time,
Something shifted.
The edges softened.
The anger shifted to sadness.
The sadness melted into regret.
The regret became gratitude.
Gratitude for what he brought to my life.
What he taught me about being a kind person.
About being someone who followed their dream.
About the insidious nature of addiction.
And more than anything,
He reminded me about the preciousness of life.
It didn't mean I liked what happened.
It meant I stopped fighting the reality of it.
Nothing could have stopped me from feeling these various dimensions of grief.
I'd given everything I could to Marcus.
My support,
My guidance,
And all of my love.
Then he was gone,
Taking all of his potential with him.
But after the emotion ran its course,
I saw the choice that remained.
What meaning would I make of this experience?
I chose to let it teach me.
To become more grateful for every pivotal conversation I facilitated.
More open to understanding the depth of others' struggles.
More aware of how attachment brings both love and inevitable loss.
I chose to let this pain expand my capacity for compassion rather than contract it.
I realized I got to know love more deeply after tasting its loss.
Loss doesn't diminish love,
It makes it precious.
This is what responsibility can look like in the face of tragedy.
We don't choose what happens to us.
We choose what it means.
And the meaning I choose will always promote love,
Growth,
And deeper connection.
Even in the midst of devastating loss.
This isn't just philosophy.
It's practical wisdom that applies directly to parenting.
Your relationship with your teenager works the same way.
You can't control their choices,
Their struggles,
Or their pain.
But you can choose how you respond to them.
You can choose what meaning you make of their difficult moments.
And you can choose to let your and their triggers teach you about your own capacity for love.
The Mirror Your Child Holds Up The bottom line is this.
Your triggers aren't your enemy.
They're your teachers.
Every time your child pushes your buttons,
They're holding up a mirror showing you exactly what needs healing in yourself.
Every moment you choose awareness over reactivity or acceptance over resistance,
You're not just transforming yourself.
You're inspiring the same courage and resilience in your kids.
Remember,
Your kid doesn't need you to be perfect.
They just need you to practice being open,
To be willing to look at your own stuff,
And to take responsibility for your inner world so you can show up as the parent they need you to be.
The question isn't whether you'll get triggered.
You will.
The question is,
What will you do with those triggers when they come up?
The Space Between Let's be honest.
This is hard fucking work.
Facing your own wounds,
Understanding your triggers,
Taking responsibility for your inner world.
It's a lot.
And it's so critical because it isn't just personal growth.
It's the most practical and effective parenting strategy you could ever learn.
When you do this inner work,
You stop projecting your pain onto your kids' choices.
You stop taking their struggles personally.
You start responding instead of reacting.
And in that space between trigger and response,
Healing is born.
So let's take the next step of understanding how your old patterns of control and fear can damage relationships.
Let's learn new ways of relating with your kid that invite connection instead of resistance.
