Breathwork To Develop Intimacy With Difficult Emotions

Cultivating intimacy with something means becoming sufficiently close to it to know it very, very well. But if we get too close to it, to the point of fusing, we lose the ability to keep it in focus. Learn how to methodically develop intimacy with those difficult parts of your emotional experiences. This session includes breathwork, guided meditation and a talk.

Transcript

Welcome,

Welcome to Sunday Morning Joy with Jay.

My name is Jay Chodagam.

I'm a meditation teacher here in the San Francisco Bay Area.

I've been practicing for 20 years.

I was a monk for 18 years and now I have been a teacher on this Inside Timer app for approximately four years.

I've been doing lives.

This is episode number 132 and today the flow is going to be as follows.

I'm going to start off with some breath work,

Pranayama,

Ancient Indian wisdom around how do you channel the energy,

The life force in your body.

I'm going to do some sonic resonance full body breathing exercises that's going to completely rejuvenate you,

Bring you into a state of presence and then when your heart is open,

Your mind is calmed down and your being is still,

Then I will lead you into some matters of the heart around how do you deal with difficult emotions and finding ways to become intimate with them.

So with that said,

I ask that you go ahead and downshift your gaze or close your eyes as I lead you through the pranayama practice.

Today I want you to start by doing something called rhythmic breathing where you're going to breathe in deep into the belly through the nose and relax out through the mouth.

Nice and long five in through the nostrils and five out through the mouth.

Go ahead and put your palms on your belly,

Watching the rise and collapse in through the nostrils,

Out through the mouth.

Feeling this air going in and out of your body.

One more time in for five and out for five.

Now we're going to transition to something called box breathing in for five,

Hold for five,

Out for five and hold for five.

Hold.

Out.

And hold.

In through the nostrils,

Out through the nostrils and hold.

In through the nostrils,

Hold.

Out and hold.

In hold.

Out and hold.

In hold.

Out and hold.

Okay now we're going to go into a faster breathing,

Bow breathing.

You're going to be inhaling for a count of two from the nostrils,

Exhaling for a count of two through the nostrils.

We're going to do 30 rounds of that and then I'm going to make you hold for longer.

Let's do this together in out in out in out in out in out in out in out in out in out in out in out in out in out in out in out and hold.

Hold with empty lungs.

Hold till I tell you.

Count of 30.

I'll do the counting.

You do the holding.

You can do it.

Five four three two one inhale.

Inhale out.

Second round of bow breathing.

Fast two counts in two counts out.

Inhale exhale.

Inhale exhale.

Inhale exhale.

Inhale exhale.

Inhale exhale.

Inhale exhale.

Continue.

Inhale exhale.

Exhale exhale.

Exhale exhale.

Inhale exhale.

Inhale exhale and hold hold at this next exhale.

To hold till I tell you we're going to do slightly longer.

If you simply cannot hold and go ahead and inhale.

But if you can believe me this tremendous benefit you're going to get a whole lot more oxygenation into your bloodstream than you would otherwise be doing when you're shallow breathing.

Tremulous benefit of this being able to regulate your brain bring you into the state of presence.

It's going to help you to become more calm your mind is going to become more still and your body is going to get more oxygenated.

Believe it or not it sounds counterintuitive but that's how it works.

Bandha is a powerful profound practice of being able to deeply improve your resilience.

Five four three two one and inhale.

Well done.

And exhale.

Inhale exhale inhale exhale inhale exhale inhale exhale inhale exhale inhale exhale inhale exhale inhale exhale inhale exhale exhale inhale exhale inhale exhale inhale exhale inhale exhale and hold hold we're going to do this a little bit longer.

Hold if you can if you simply cannot it's OK go to release and go ahead and inhale.

But then if you can hold this is going to improve your resilience.

And now I want you to squeeze the buttocks in your the muscles in your buttocks squeeze the muscles in your thighs squeeze the muscles in your calves.

See if you can clench your feet.

See if you can cleanse your abdomen squeezing the navel towards the spine squeezing the muscles in your breasts your chest your upper shoulders your arms forearms triceps biceps upper arms.

Then go ahead and make a frown with your face squeezing the muscles with your face.

Opening up the scalp stretching the scalp and inhale.

Well done now let's go in and go into a regular state of breathing five in and five out.

I want you to go ahead and breathe nice and deep into the belly.

And as you're releasing keep your lips closed and let yourself be singing um this next time as you're doing the word um I want you to be playing with your tongue and trying to change up that note a little bit still saying the word um.

The second round inhale lies into the belly and um.

Third round.

Now we're going to move to the word ah or the phrase ah the note ah.

Ah Um Um Um Um This time I want you to feel yah yah in your heart Yah Put your hands on your heart and feel that yah Yah No one else can accept you like you do for yourself Yah Now feel the sensations in your body as you awakened,

Awakened the child Awakened yourself on this beautiful day Feel the tingling sensations,

The aliveness,

The dancing of every cell in your body The ease of breath you may be feeling completely energized Just 15 minutes of breath work,

Profound impact It compensates for those times when you have been distracted,

Subtitled Fixated about something and you have deprived yourself of the deep breathing that your body needs to get the life giving force of oxygen Just feel the state of your being starting with the mind Perhaps you become much more calmer,

Much more present Acknowledge that Acknowledge the ease of your breath Acknowledge the lightness in your entire being Now I want you to go ahead and close your eyes as we prepare to go into this exercise on developing intimacy with difficult emotions Think of an emotion that you're unusually uncomfortable with Something that you're least comfortable with And if there's more than one,

Pick one that stands out strongly right now And as you have your eyes closed,

Bring this to the third eye,

The mind's eye,

A situation in which this emotion strongly emerged Breathe a little deeper,

Letting yourself assume the body position that you were in at that time Remember how you felt with this emotion Let your facial expression reflect this as much as possible Now instead of keeping your distance from this emotion,

Pay close attention to it,

Bringing it more into focus,

Simultaneously feeling and observing it Now I want you to start taking your attention into particulars of this emotion as if you're wearing a miner's lamp and heading into the mind cave Feel the emotions however slightly or slowly,

Even though you are feeling an aversion to this emotion It may feel like it wants to take you in the opposite direction,

But just be gentle,

Patient and trust as you look deeper and pure,

Bringing as much precision as possible to your exploration of this emotion Take note of its texture,

Take note of its directionality,

In which way does it feel like it's moving as you're becoming more and more intimate and focusing on it Does it have any density?

Does it feel heavy?

Does it feel like it's light and just lingering somewhere?

And as you're feeling into this,

How is the temperature?

Are you feeling a sense of warmth or coolness or lukewarm?

And is there a color to this?

Do you see any coloration associated with the feeling of this emotion?

And what about its intensity?

Is it pretty strong?

Mediocre?

Light?

Do you feel any movement?

Is it stagnant or does it feel like it's traveling?

And how does it interact with other emotions as you're feeling into this,

As you're getting comfortable with being with it,

Does it trigger,

Does it seem to be surfacing other emotions?

Now as much as it's maybe discomfortable,

As you're sitting with this emotion,

Match that discomfort with curiosity Now if you stay with this practice long enough,

You'll develop an intimacy with this emotion to the point where its arising is no longer a major concern Instead you will begin to feel that the rising of this emotion is an opportunity to get to know yourself better and improve your capacity to develop intimacy Because remember,

It's only when you know how to be comfortable and intimate with everything that's going on within you,

For who you are,

That you can even begin to become intimate and relate to people outside of yourself So begin to be comfortable with this as we sit with this emotion that you're having difficulty with And now I'm going to walk you through four steps to developing emotional intimacy The first is to identify that which you're feeling And at this point,

You begin with just recognizing the emotion without the need for you to know all the details For example,

If you're feeling fear,

Simply notice and acknowledge its presence without getting absorbed in any dramatics that accompany it And if you're not sure what you're feeling,

Ask yourself as directly as possible Am I feeling a little sad?

Am I feeling shame?

Am I feeling peaceful?

Am I feeling disgust?

Am I feeling happy?

Do I sense any guilt?

Am I unhappy?

Am I feeling angry?

Am I jealous?

Am I afraid?

Am I feeling uncomfortable?

And ask sincerely,

And it's likely that you'll receive some kind of a near-instant response to each question Usually in the form of relatively visceral yes,

No,

Or maybe And look for such a response not in your thoughts but in your body The intuitive knowingness To locate a bodily response,

Notice where in your body you most clearly feel an increase or change in sensation when you ask any one of these above questions Then bring more attention to this place in your body,

Noticing what kind of an answer,

What are you feeling,

What's emerging from here And this response may be verbal,

Non-verbal,

Or maybe some combination of both Place your attention,

Not your thinking mind,

But your bare attention on awareness On whatever it is that you are feeling The second step is to directly state what you're feeling Once you've identified your feeling,

It's time to state this as simply and straightforward as you can This means no fluff,

No smokescreens,

No dramatics,

No obfuscation,

Just the bare facts I say bare facts are supposed to be more vague,

Something that's debatable such as,

I feel unheard Or I feel like you're not here for me,

Or I feel like I'm wasting my time here,

Which aren't actually expressing an emotional feeling At such times we are sharing our perception,

Our opinion of what's really going on rather than the simple facts of what you're feeling So the practice here is to simply state the feeling,

Such as,

I feel angry And you're refraining from stating what you're angry or fearful or sad or happy about,

It's just stating your feeling itself Practice directly stating what you're feeling in your relationship as much as possible After you've said what you're feeling,

Don't immediately follow it with details If you've just said that you're feeling angry,

Let the bare fact of that sink in,

Giving yourself and your listener time to settle into and resonate with the reality of what you've just heard Not jumping too quickly into the storyline of what you're feeling lower and the odds are that you'll lose yourself in emotional dramatics The third step is to make sure the other person is really hearing what you're saying Unfortunately,

More than a few of us tend to give the cultivation of empathy and emotional resonance a back seat in our interchanges Without a significant degree of empathetic attunement,

Our dialogue can easily degenerate into an argument,

Prolonged withdrawal,

A heart-crushing distancing In which we are actually feeling what we're feeling becomes secondary and our interpretation or the debate of it becomes primary And if you're on the receiving end,

Let it,

Let in the other sharing of their emotions and their feelings and their whereabouts be clearly felt Whether you like it or not,

You're just being there receiving And if you're the giver,

If you're the one sharing,

Keep it simple,

Resisting the temptation to cut loose with what you're angry or fearful or ashamed about Don't lose touch with what you're feeling And if you're alone,

Breathe in what you're feeling and keep opening to it Stay with this rawness Its storyline,

However relevant,

Does not have to be given energy or attention at least at this point Don't argue with yourself,

Don't get into a debate with your inner critic about what you're feeling,

Just stay consciously embodied Bringing your awareness back to your breath You may be quick to find a feel-better resolution when you're upset And notice your urge to make this happen and keep your focus on your bare feelings Bringing into your heart whatever desperation for resolution there may be As if you're holding in your arms a crying child Access as much compassion as possible for yourself when your feeling is far from being comfortable And the fourth step is to get into the details without losing touch The point of articulating the details is to flesh out the context of what you're feeling To make sense of it with regard to both your current circumstances and your conditioning of the past Once what you're feeling is out in the open and acknowledged for what it is,

Then it's quite natural to give it more context This can be done both alone and in the company of others And if you're by yourself,

Resist getting into the details until your contact with what you're feeling is deep enough to prevent you from being seduced by whatever dramatics accompanied the arising of your emotional state And in the context of a relationship,

Especially intimate relationship,

It's essential to feel,

To resonate emotionally with the other More important than agreeing or disagreeing with the content of what they're saying Just feeling and resonating emotionally with the other Making your connection with the other person primary and the working out of relevant details secondary And if you find yourself losing touch with the other person as you get into the details,

Admit this as soon as possible and stop Then go back to the beginning step by step and remain with them until you feel more connection There's no rush But the time that it takes is well worth it And if you find yourself still getting emotionally overwrought somewhere between being hot under the collar to about to blow your lid,

Resist reducing what you're saying to courtroom dramatics Back away from the content becoming nothing more contentious and just loving yourself to express just the feeling And if you notice that there is an underlying feeling occurring that,

For example,

You'll be feeling sadness that you are not sharing going instead for the anger on top of it Express that as well.

Let it be known So these four steps identifying,

Stating,

Sharing and then providing the relevant details of what you're feeling Will help you along your way of investigation of your emotions both today,

The current and also the history Sometimes it'll be enough to just simply do the first step And there may be other times where it feels in the flow to complete all four But the most important thing is to learn to treat yourself with compassion throughout this process And that compassion involves not rushing,

Neither putting it off Now put your hands on your heart Notice how you feel about this difficult emotion that you chose to relate to today Please bring your palms together in prayer position at your heart center And imagine from the heart of your being there is a ball of loving energy glowing And this loving,

Healing,

Bright aliveness,

This energy Shines towards that person,

People or place where you felt this difficult emotion with And let this light radiate as a beam towards that person,

People or place Such that they may feel the love and the light of your own being And then bring your intention back to the heart center I invite you to share how you're feeling right now in one word Thank you

Reviews

I loved his session. I feel more grounded, relaxed and grateful. Thank you!