Shame — The Emotion Nobody Talks About

I want to start by saying this is not an easy topic to speak about,

Which is actually part of the point.

There's a distinction between guilt and shame that I think everyone deserves to understand.

Brene Brown has spoken about it beautifully and often.

And it's worth repeating here because it changes everything.

She says.

Guilt says I did something bad.

Shame says I am something bad.

So guilt is about behavior.

It can be addressed,

Repaired,

Learned from,

And released.

Whereas shame is about identity,

About who you believe yourself to be at the core.

And it sits far quieter,

Far deeper and does far more damage over a lifetime.

Shame?

Also high.

That's its nature.

It convinces us that if anyone truly knew what we carried,

Really knew,

They would turn away.

That we are uniquely broken in some way.

That whatever the thing is,

It makes us fundamentally less than other people.

And so,

We never speak it.

Never look at it directly.

We just carry it.

Quietly,

Silently.

Or years.

Sometimes even for a whole lifetime.

It can come from everywhere,

From early messages about who we were supposed to be,

Or from mistakes we never forgave ourselves for,

Or from bodies that did not match what the world called acceptable,

Or from things that were done to us that we somehow through the tender,

Distorted logic of someone in pain,

Decided were our own fault.

None of us.

Arrive at adulthood without some obstacles.

What differs is how much we are carrying and whether we are ever there to bring it into the light.

Here is what I know to be true about shame.

It cannot survive being witnessed with compassion.

Shame?

Feed.

On Hidden Net.

The moment it is truly seen without judgment,

Without recoil.

It begins to loosen.

Maybe not immediately.

Not all at once,

But it loosens.

Because shame is built on the belief that what lives inside us is unacceptable.

And compassionate witnessing is the direct path.

Living contradiction of that belief.

So you don't have to share your shame with another person to begin this work.

You can begin right here.

With yourself.

Here is the practice.

I call it The Witness.

If you are in a quiet space,

Please go ahead and gently close your eyes.

Take one slow breath through your nose.

And while exhaling,

Bring to mind something you carry shame about.

You don't need to go to the deepest thing.

Start with something manageable.

And bring it gently into your awareness.

Now,

Place one hand over the area of your body where you feel it.

Maybe your chest,

Maybe your stomach,

Maybe your throat,

Wherever shame is.

Tends to live in you.

Now speak to it silently.

The way you would speak to a person you love who is in pain.

You might say.

I see you.

I know you have been here a long time.

I know you believed you were protecting me.

I'm not going to push you away.

Just that.

Just witnessing.

No fixing.

No analyzing.

No deciding whether the shame is justified or not.

Simply.

Being present.

With the part of you.

That has been hiding.

Now take one more breath.

And open your eyes.

This is not a one-time practice.

Shame?

Took years to build.

It takes consistent,

Compassionate attention to slowly dissolve.

But this is where it begins.

In the willingness to look.

Without turning away.

You are not what your shame tells you you are.

You are the one with the courage to look at it.

That tells me everything about who you actually are.

Have a wonderful day.

Much Love!

And light to you.