Secret Sangha - Recovery

This talk explores the nonlinear nature of recovery and healing through both personal story and psychological insight. You’ll be guided to reflect on what makes change meaningful, how flexibility supports growth, and why small, consistent actions matter over time. The session invites you to approach challenges with curiosity and compassion rather than judgment. It offers a grounded, honest perspective on navigating life’s difficulties while staying connected to what truly matters.

Transcript

Yeah, Recovery in the broadest sense, It's such a big topic. I was doing my push-ups this morning and there was this little snail that, I always love the snails, But there was a little snail that was headed from my garden to where I was doing push-ups and I was watching it each little round. And the thing that is so fascinating about snails, If you watch them, If you find the snail tracks, Go watch them, You'll see them, They have little squirts. And so a snail is like these little wet little squirt and then they kind of move and it was totally moving in the wrong direction, It was like heading towards my house. So I picked it up and I turned it around and then watched it go back out. And that's what recovery is like, It's not, It's not linear, Whether you're recovering from illness or you're recovering from a breakup or you're recovering from substance abuse or you're recovering from applying to college, There's a non-linear process to recovery and it is often not seen on the outside as this victorious thing. So I used to run a treatment center for eating disorders, An intensive outpatient program, And people would be coming into our program either from the hospital or on the way to the hospital, So we were sort of like the in-between space, Like you can't make it in the world quite yet, You need to be in treatment for most of the day. And on our website was this woman, Like the cover of the website was this woman with her arms up and it said, Recovery is possible. And this art, Like, You know, Two arms up, And this arms up stance is actually, They've done research on it where they found that it's universal, Even people who are blind at birth, When they compete in a, Like a sport and they win the sport, Put their arms up, Chin up, Heart out, Arms up, So it's sort of like this proud victory. And that was what was the cover of our website, Like recovery is possible. And I would have these parents would come in, They'd be like, You know, Dropping off their kid and they're really worried about it, Or the husband dropping off their wife and really worried about her, And they'd say, One of their biggest questions is, Are they going to recover? And I was the, Sort of the face of this treatment center, And they'd be like, Recovery is possible. And I think I would change my, Change my tune on that a little bit, Because it's more like this. It's more squirts and stops and squirts and stops, And ending up in directions that you didn't expect yourself to end up in. So when they look at, Just from a psychological perspective, When you look at recovery from, Like a major life event, If you, If your house would burn down in the fires, Or something really challenging has happened to you, There's predictors around who is it that does well, And who is it that doesn't do so well? They've done lots of longitudinal studies on this. And in general, The folks that do the best are the folks that are most flexible. Most psychologically flexible. And there's actually, There was this large study in 2020 by this guy Bonanno, Where they looked at this recovery, This sort of flexibility sequence. Are you able to, In the moment, Be able to say what matters most here? Are you able to, In the moment, Know what your skill sets are and use them? And are you able to, In the moment, Take feedback around what's not working? So that's the most important thing, Whether you're recovering from substance use, Or whether you're recovering from an eating disorder, Or whether you're recovering from a loss of maybe your partner dying. But then these other things show up as really important as well, In terms of your social network. Who's your tribe? Being able to have positive emotions amidst the difficulty, Making meaning out of things, The sort of concept of post-traumatic growth. And when I think about it for myself, Like I was like, Okay, What's my own recovery? Essential perspective and processes. What I have found over the course of my own recovery is that there's sort of like these ways in which I view the world which are different, And then there's practices that I do daily. There's sort of two layers, Practices, The ways in which I view the world, And then practices that I do daily to support the recovery. And the first way in which I view the world now, And the way I work with clients that are struggling with some kind of life disruption, Is getting really clear on what's worth it. What's worth doing this hard work for? Because it is challenging and hard at times that you're not going to be like at the victory stance all the time, But what's worth it to get up and do it again? And it's more, I think, About who's worth it to you to recover for? And what is worth it to you, And how do you want to recover, As opposed to the big why? So you have to decide what's worth recovering for. And then the next thing that is often really essential for most people is to leave what's called your imaginary box. So you may see this, Do you remember this dot experiment? You might have done it as like a GRE test or an intelligence test at some point when you were a kid where you're supposed to connect the dots using only four lines. Do you guys remember doing this? Like a psych 101 class? Do you remember what you have to do to connect the dots using four lines? You have to go outside the box. And we have this sort of what's called functional fixedness, Which is we have an imaginary box around ourselves, And then we try and solve our problems within that imaginary box. When I was in graduate school, I share about this a lot in Wise Effort, But when I was in graduate school, I was doing randomized controlled trials with eating disorders with women with bulimia. And I would work with these women. We had this very specific protocol that they went through of this 12-week program where we'd work on appetite awareness training, We'd work on emotion regulation and DBT skills, And I'd be teaching them all of these skills in my little audit, My little office in graduate school while I'm working towards a PhD. We'd meet in our little lab meeting. We'd talk about these women and their struggles and their lives. And then when the day was sort of like super stressful or when the day was done and I had a break, I'd go up to the cognitive wing, The cognitive floor, And that is where I would purge. And then I'd go back and see these clients again. I was inside this box that I thought that I had to stay within. And the only way that I actually found my recovery was getting outside of that box. I actually had to let something go. I had to leave my imaginary box of this is what a PhD, I'm on the trajectory of PhD program. So if you're recovering from cancer, You have to get outside the box in lots of different ways, Not by choice, Right? You have to figure out how to make this work in the life that it does not fit within. Or maybe you're flying places or maybe you're depending on people. So you have to leave that sort of functional fixedness and get outside your box. Box. And then the third principle and perspective is stop doing what doesn't work. So maybe you're in recovery, Recovering from a fight with somebody, You know, Dropping it, Stop doing what doesn't work. And then start doing what does like the snail does little by little. I just interviewed this guy, Eric Zimmer, Who was he was a heroin addict and then became podcaster. His podcast is called The One You Feed. Maybe you've heard that one. Yeah, The One You Feed. So he just came out with this book called Little by Little Becomes a Lot. And what he talks about in his own recovery from heroin addiction is these little things that accumulate over time. And how important it is to focus on the little. Could you do just three minutes every day of your essential self-care practice and how that accumulates over time? And relatedly, Don't wait to feel different. Because what happens with recovery and for those of you that are in 12-step programs is you don't feel different and then you start acting. You start acting and then you feel different. These last three of making your rat park, Building your sangha, And finding your current karmic assignment have to do with designing the life that you could be in recovery in. So your rat park, When they look at this classic old study around rats that would press a lever for heroin, But then when they put that same rat with the lever for heroin in this like amazing environment with lots of other rats to have like playgrounds for rats to run on and all sorts of things, They don't press the lever for heroin. They go out into the world. And if you are, Whatever you're in recovery from, Creating something that's outside the box, That's your own version of a rat park, Which we have a very accessible to here in Santa Barbara. I remember when, Who was that? Cass, That Cass guy came to talk about AI. And he was like, If you're in Santa Barbara and you're like stuck on a screen, What is wrong with you? We live in rat park. But creating your own rat park and then building your sangha, Your community, Your supporters, And sometimes that's with substance use, The best predictor for recovery is changing your group, Your social group. So building the people who are on speed dial for you when you need them and using them, Last night we got this text right before bed from our little group saying, Who's getting up at 333 tonight to go howl at the moon, You know? And we all texted in to go, That's sort of your sangha, Have many sanghas, Not just this one. And then finally, The last thing that I think is probably the most important in essential recovery practices is, What is this current struggle or thing that's happening in your life that you're in recovery from or wanting to recover from? Teaching you about your current karmic assignment. And a karmic assignment is like the lessons that come back to you over and over again. And when it rears its other ugly head, Whether it's a relapse or an unexpected tragedy, There's something in there that is your karmic assignment to heal and transform and learn from and then offer to the world. And that's part of what this building is all about and also what my life has become about in my own recovery. I live my karmic assignment every single day and everyone has different ones. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of the Wise Effort Podcast. Wise Effort is about you taking your energy and putting it in the places that matter most to you. And when you do so, You'll get to savor the good of your life along the way. I would like to thank my team, My partner in all things, Including the producer of this podcast, Craig. Ashley Hyatt, The podcast manager. And thank you to Bangold at Bell and Branch for our music. This podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only, And it's not meant to be a substitute for mental health treatments.