More Confidence Isn’t the Missing Piece

If you ever told yourself,

I just need more confidence,

I'm here to tell you that confidence likely is not your problem.

Hey there,

Friend.

Thanks for hitting play on this video.

And I want to share with you kind of a reframe on confidence because so many of us think that confidence is the missing piece.

That if we could just feel confident enough,

We could live our very best life.

And I hear this all the time in with the people I work with and even looking back on my own experience.

Because for a long time when I was younger,

I genuinely believed that if I could feel confident all the time in conversations,

In my decisions,

In how I showed up,

I would be unstoppable.

But here's what I learned that I didn't know back then.

Confidence isn't what actually changes things in your life.

It's something else.

So in this video,

I want to share with you why the act of chasing more confidence can actually keep you stuck.

And what's really going on underneath that chase.

And what actually helps you take action and be yourself,

Even when you don't feel confident yet.

So if you're ready to get started,

Take one breath with me here.

And let's walk through this together.

So let's start with why confidence is so appealing.

I mean,

Who doesn't want more confidence,

Right?

On the surface,

Confidence can feel like the missing piece to all of our problems.

Like the thing that will finally let you speak up and put yourself out there,

Help you share your ideas freely,

Allow you to start the goals you've been putting off.

Without hesitation and overthinking.

Without that feeling in your body that makes you want to pull back.

Because it feels like once you have confidence,

You kind of have like a superpower,

Right?

Where everything in life gets a whole lot easier.

But here's the problem with that.

We're treating confidence like a prerequisite.

Like something we need before we can act.

Once I feel confident,

Then I'll take action.

Once I believe in myself more,

Then I'll show up.

But in reality,

Confidence is really one of the most unreliable states you can count on in your life.

Because in the moments when it actually matters,

Confidence is fleeting.

When you're about to share or express something,

When people can actually see you and there's a real risk of being judged.

In those moments when you need it the most,

That confident feeling,

It disappears.

And in its place,

Your guard goes up.

Your body tenses.

Your brain starts scanning for all the possible things that might go wrong.

You start thinking,

Will this make sense to them?

Am I going to embarrass myself?

What will they think of me?

And just like that,

We don't feel confident anymore.

And then we assume something must be wrong with us.

But what's actually happening is you're not lacking confidence.

You're hitting a moment where being seen feels unsafe.

So really,

This isn't a confidence problem.

It's a safety problem.

And that's the part so many of us don't realize.

Your system isn't trying to sabotage you by stopping you.

It's simply trying to protect you.

Because underneath the chase for confidence,

There's almost always something deeper.

A fear of judged.

A fear of being not well received.

A fear of not being good enough.

A fear that if you show up fully,

You'll lose approval and belonging.

And instead of facing that directly,

We just tell ourselves,

I just need more confidence.

Because to our brains,

That's a lot easier to solve.

It turns confidence into another goal we can chase.

Rather than facing the uncomfortable reality of being vulnerable and uncertain while taking action.

That's why confidence becomes so seductive.

Because it sounds like the one thing that will let you be free.

Show up fully as you are.

Without ever having to worry about being judged or exposed.

But the real tension isn't that you don't have enough confidence.

It's that something in you doesn't feel fully safe being seen.

And once you see that,

The whole conversation around confidence in your head can change.

Because now the goal isn't confidence anymore.

The goal is nervous system capacity.

The capacity to stay present in the moment you'd normally pull back.

The capacity to be imperfect.

The capacity to stay when you are uncomfortable and when people are watching you.

That's the shift.

It's the ability to move forward.

To take one small honest step.

Even when your body feels nervous or unsure.

That's a completely different kind of work than confidence.

Because what actually changes your life is not becoming this endlessly confident version of yourself.

It's becoming someone who can stay present in the moments that make you want to leave.

And confidence is not what creates that.

Confidence comes after that.

It's the byproduct of showing up.

Staying with yourself in those uncomfortable moments and realizing you survived it.

And each time you do that,

You teach your body something new.

That you can do the uncomfortable thing that you always thought would undo you and still be okay.

Maybe not perfectly,

But you prove to your body that you can get through it.

That's how real confidence is built.

So what does this look like in practice in real life?

For me,

It comes down to something simple that I call one breath longer.

Meaning before doing something uncomfortable,

Can you stay with it one breath longer?

Before shrinking,

Before watering down what you're about to say or how you're about to express yourself.

One breath longer before apologizing for your intensity,

For your passion.

One breath longer before editing yourself to make other people more comfortable.

One moment longer of staying before leaving yourself.

That's the real work.

Not becoming louder or more impressive.

Not trying to force confidence.

Just leaving yourself less.

Staying one sentence longer.

One moment longer.

Literally one steady breath longer.

Long enough for your body to learn,

I can be here like this and I'm still okay.

And over time,

That becomes self-trust.

Not from hyping yourself up,

But from lived proof that you can put yourself out there.

That you can be yourself and still be okay.

That you stayed with the thing that used to make you hesitate and you're still safe and intact.

So friend,

If confidence has felt like the missing thing in your life or if you've been waiting to feel more confident to take action or fully be who you are,

I really want you to consider that maybe you're chasing the wrong thing.

That maybe you don't need more confidence and maybe you just need capacity to stay with yourself when it feels uncomfortable being seen.

Because remember,

Confidence is unreliable.

But capacity,

That is what changes you.

It's what lets you stay present,

Keep moving and follow through in the moments that matter most in your life.

So the next time you find yourself searching for confidence,

Just ask yourself,

Can I stay here just one breath longer?

And your body will start learning.

I can be here.

I can be me.

And I'm still safe.

Thanks for watching today.

I'll see you in the next video.

Much love.